Why don't people talk about how hard it is having a baby?

[Lelophants]

I feel like I've tried to be really open about the ups and downs and be there for anyone going through it all (I have one friend who is similar and it really helped me when sleep deprived and going through hard times to know it'll pass and in not alone). Most people I talk to just don't talk about it though!

We have friends with a baby just slightly older than us. When they ask how we are I am always pretty open, but all they ever reply is "great, really good!" when I ask how they are. Then later on they always tell us it was actually really stressful and they had the same issues. 😅

Another two friends have recently had babies and when we ask how they are, they just go "yeah really amazing, so perfect, so happy" etc. I know that can't be true as heard from one of their partner they had 3 nights of no sleep.

We're not the kind of people who go around giving constant advice (as we know how annoying that is!) And we also don't complain 24/7 either, we just try to be honest.

It's made me want to just say everything's fine when asked now, even if it's not 🙈 I feel like it's still taboo to mention anything that isn't 100% positive? Is it just me?

As with Bluntness, we alternated doing night feeds. My eldest didn't sleep through until gone 3, but alternating meant that we both got good sleep, irrespective of how much the baby woke.

I find this quite offensive. My daughter wouldn't go in a car, buggy or sling without fighting it and screaming so much she was often sick.

Why are you offended? You must realise that a baby that cries to that extreme for a year and a half with no medical reason isn't too normal and not the experience for many. Fwiw my second was like this too - she had severe silent reflux. I changed my pram for one that I could elevate quite high whilst still having her lie flat. I changed her car seat from an infant carrier that put her in a position that aggravated it terribly, got her medication and timed trips out for when she'd had her after feed scream and was exhausted- I would crawl up to traffic lights from a distance because of I stopped she'd wake instantly and scream. Yes she screamed in her buggy but she'd scream at home too so I might as well go out. I remember getting on a bus when she was 11 months to take her to a paed appointment and could tell her mood. I apologised to the passengers on the bus when I got on knowing she was going to scream for the entire journey because of the timing. (Tbh by this stage I think it was more temperament as her reflux wasn't really an issue by then). Like I said lucky for most people this isn't really the norm. Can relate to the standing to have a coffee, the only way she wouldn't cry was standing holding her facing forward with my arm down the front of her so spent many a lunch out standing and eating. Different things stress different people out - no need to be offended. They are now 7 and 11 and their constant fighting stresses me out far more than any of the baby stuff did.

OP, I hear you - and I believe it's because we're currently living in a second iteration of the 1950s cult of motherhood and domesticity, but with less mummy's little helpers benzodiazepines to dull the pain.

You only have to look at how many women talk about being on a range of antidepressants and anxiolytics, e.g. all the threads on sertraline, to see that our current time is utter shit for women, but the overriding media narrative always returns to how lovely and easy it is to be a SAHM vs "career woman", how wonderful it is to be a wife and mother and what a great failing and loss it is not to "achieve" the above and do it to perfection.

I think there's lots of reasons, sone people dobt find it hard, some people don't always want to admit to finding it hard - it's supposed to be a blessing! Some don't want to be a baby bore (me!) Sone expected it to be hard, some (Also me) do better on their own. That's not to say I didn't use mumsnet LOT in the early days, I prefer the anonymity of it.

Before I had kids and others said it was hard I honestly thought they were being dramatic/how hard can it be type of thing.

When I did have a baby I found it hard but was surrounded by gushy, isn't this amazing types so didn't feel I could say much

There's a lot of hype and excitement around a new baby so its difficult to feel able to be honest.

I think it depends on the baby. DD has been much easier than DS!

@Dyrne - No one was talking about childbirth at all. She brought it up. I am well aware I should not know about it hence I did not ask. She actively volunteered the information.

@PicsInRed

OP, I hear you - and I believe it's because we're currently living in a second iteration of the 1950s cult of motherhood and domesticity, but with less mummy's little helpers benzodiazepines to dull the pain.

You only have to look at how many women talk about being on a range of antidepressants and anxiolytics, e.g. all the threads on sertraline, to see that our current time is utter shit for women, but the overriding media narrative always returns to how lovely and easy it is to be a SAHM vs "career woman", how wonderful it is to be a wife and mother and what a great failing and loss it is not to "achieve" the above and do it to perfection.

Absolutely this, we also have the added pressure today of "having it all" i.e. working our arses off at work and then coming home to cook organic meals, keep the house hinched to perfection all while educating and entertaining the little angels. The expectations on women today are unrealistic and unsustainable.

I wonder if that's just because lots of people just don't talk about how they are in general and the babies talk is no different. i have recently come back to the uk (i am foreign, lived here for a bit, lived abroad and have since come back) and am constantly surprised by how little people talk and open up to each other. I had DCs abroad and definitely talked to my friends about all this stuff so did they and we all had different babies etc, but then i would talk to them about everything thats going on in my life. isnt this in part precisely friends are for, to be able to talk and express yourself to other people and be listened to and understood - there are clearly many other reasons for friends etc. My impressin is that Brits are very private

A baby doesn''t have to be hard work it really does depend on the baby / babies though.
DS1 was a poorly baby in and out of hospital for 18 months. I love him to pieces but by golly he was a hard baby to care for. Even when we were home he had (has) additional equipment, lots of emergency trips to PAU, medication etc. I don't think him being a hard baby is about me approaching or wrong or being a shit Mom.
6 week olds twins are frigging hard in a very different way
Again o don't think silent refluxy tiny babies who like to wake up an hour apart every 3 hours are anyone's definition of easy.

When I tell people it FINE it because

1. I can't actually be honest about how shit it is without crying and I don't feel I can cry on you.
2. I actually don't have the time to get into how shit it is
3. You're pregnant and I'm already mindful that my first born is enough to scare most pregnant friends, and my second pregnancy to scare anyone who's not had their 12 week scan
4. You don't want to hear the answer, you're just asking to be polite

Some of the posts here are part the reason why others find it so tough. Banging on about positive attitudes and how your baby was some perfect angel doesn’t help and just makes others feel shit about themselves.

I hate the baby years, I would quite happy have an 18 month dropped off and miss it entirely. I've had two allergy babies who never sleep.

I do think some people do have an easy time, some people have family support, we don't, we've not been out for six years, the only break we've had away from DC is when we work so we just haven't had any down time at all. I think some people's experiences are very different. My sil for example had free childcare from in-laws and pre covid they'd go out 3 nights a week even when their DC were a few weeks old.

Pretending. It certainly feels like to me that everybody is pretending these days. It is an epidemic.

It is a breathe of fresh air when you find someone who actually wants to be real, and you can tell, even if their experience is a good one they are still real about it not false.

I used to try and make out I was finding it harder than I was, being a lone parent with twins people used to say , oh I bet you don't get sleep etc. My boys slept through from 5 months and were very contented. If I'd have said I was getting 9 hrs sleep I'd have been lynched.