If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

But equally, all those who hated their surname/had issue with it for reasons of abuse/bullying... why on Earth did it take you getting married so you could take another man's name to get rid of something that brought you so much pain?

Are people aware that deed poll is a thing and does not cost much?

But women don’t really have choice

And if women themselves can’t see the real reason they chose to take someone else’s name then they’re extremely naive.

The patriarchy truly does persist and more strongly in name changing than in pretty much anywhere else.

I’m not sure why you are so fixated on what I am saying, @SomersetHamlyn - all I did was share why I made my choice, and my opinion that women have more choice now than they used to.

But in the hopes that it stops what feels like bullying, I will say that you are 100% correct, and I know nothing. That better?

@Bangable I don't give a toss what other people think or if they think this makes me a non feminist. All that matters is that I am comfortable with how I live my life. It makes me grin that others are so judgy about it

Do you have any daughters?

I wanted us to be a family and share a name and I just didn't care that much about my own name - I didn't feel it an essential part of my identity. My husband offered to take my name, but I decided against it. FWIW - 10 years on I am the main breadwinner, my husband does the bulk of childcare, shopping, domestic chores, so I don't feel it has had any impact on our ability to defy gender norms in the way that is right for our family.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I’m not sure why you are so fixated on what I am saying, @SomersetHamlyn - all I did was share why I made my choice, and my opinion that women have more choice now than they used to.

Not remotely 'fixated' on you, SDTG. I am replying to many posters on this thread, as are others.

I asked whether you think that the fact that exactly the same proportion of women continue to take their husband's name when they get married, namely nine out of every ten, suggests that perhaps this idea of 'choice' might be a bit of a myth?

Like many others, my maiden surname belongs to my father who I’ve had no contact with since I was 4. It’s also a horrible, impossible to pronounce and spell name that has haunted me my entire life. DH’s name is incredibly common and I like being more anonymous. There are only a small handful of Lasttango Maidensurnames in the world (well, on social media anyway) and I felt really identifiable. Now I’m one of millions, think along the lines of Sarah Brown. I much prefer the anonymity of it.

However, I have several friends who had lovely maiden names, who took their husband’s quite frankly ugly surnames and I don’t understand that at all.

@SomersetHamlyn and that’s fine with me, each to their own. We all have different thoughts on feminism. I was answering ops question not looking for a punch up.

I've got a daughter, I don't know what she'll do when and if she marries - my guess is she won't change her name. Different times.

As Jo Brand said: 'Because I don't think Bernard would suit me!' 😀

When did feminism become all about policing other women's choices to make sure they are pure enough?

I'm in my mid 50s and as it happens I didn't change my name - not for "feminist" reasons (although I consider myself a feminist) but mainly for professional reasons - reasonably well known in my field etc.

I would otherwise have been happy to get rid of my maiden name as it's ugly and hard to spell. It has also, occasionally, been mildly inconvenient having a different name AND nationality from my children when travelling.

I haven’t RTFT, but for me, it’s about choice. I chose to take my DH’s surname when we got married; many of my friends chose not to do this.

@Mistigri There was no need to have a different name from your children.

It's a bit disingenuous to talk about 'purity' when no one else has said that. Feminism seems to be an unusual belief system in that apparently literally anything done by a woman is supposed to be feminist by definition.

If we all started really sticking to our own names then the next generation might say, oh I’ve got my mums name or my dads and it will all get so equalled out no one would even know!! Imagine that.
Then it won’t be a feminist issue and we will be equal
Currently 90% of people of which a fair few think they’re feminists are just keeping the status quo for the patriarchy.

@Beyondfedupnow each to their own. We all have different thoughts on feminism. I was answering ops question not looking for a punch up.

Do you think communism can be just as much about people making maximum profit out of the labouring class, if that's what people think it is?

Can capitalism be about redistributing all of the resources in society, if that's what someone says it is?

Can anarchism be about powerful government, because someone calls themselves an anarchist and espouses that?

Or is it uniquely feminism which has no actual tenets or content and is just whatever anyone says it is?

Somerset - well, I could have given them my own father's ugly, hard to spell name. Or their father's plain and easy to spell one. Because I don't have my head up my arse I opted for the latter.

I don't understand. Why was your surname your father's? But your husband's surname was his own? Could you explain please? TIA.

I think @SomersetHamlyn and I are on a highway to nowhere. People genuinely think that 90% of people choose to take their husbands name because of choice.

It's mind-boggling, isn't it, @Narniacalling ?

The only reason was to make dh happy. He couldn’t come up with any logical reason why I should change my name and I think it’s just that he’s a traditional bloke. The look on his face when the registrar announced us as Mr and Mrs ... do still kinda wish that I’d double barrelled my name though.

If 90% of women do take their husband’s surname on marriage, that means 10% don’t - so there is a choice - it is not a myth.

Plus, as my story shows, some women choose to take their husband’s name for different reasons, not just ‘because it’s what they’ve been told to do’ - so choice was not a myth for me. Clearly I made the wrong choice, in some people’s opinion - but that doesn’t make it less of a choice - and I think my reasons were good ones.

@EileenGC

Can I ask, what happens when the children grow up? For example if Ana Perez Martinez marries Pablo Garcia Fuentes, what are their children’s surnames? This has always puzzled me so seizing on the chance to clear it up.

Their children would be called X García Pérez. Or Pérez García, if they use the mum's name first, which more and more people choose to do these days.

It's actually a bit of a pain if you don't have the two surnames, when it comes to official paperwork, school rolls, hospital and GP, and basically anything that requires a form of any kind. If you don't have a second surname (foreign residents for example) you're always having to write --- or . on forms, and explain why you don't have two. Online forms will most likely be declined as the system doesn't recognise a dot as a surname... Speaking from my parents' personal experience, as they weren't born in Spain and struggled with this for many years. The default option is two surnames.

Thank you! I have always wanted to know, but never met anyone I could ask!

Or is it uniquely feminism which has no actual tenets or content and is just whatever anyone says it is?

It's not remotely that.
And neither is it just about individual choice.
One standard definition is 'the liberation of women' ... I guess there are various issues which some people make mountains out of and seem to delight in being judgemental and divisive about which many women find to be unoppressive molehills.

Yes, changing names is asymmetric and the convention derives from a genuinely oppressive history. Now? Just a convention which you can adopt if you want but don't have to and which makes absolutely no material difference.

@SomersetHamlyn
It is indeed baffling

I don’t care if someone is or isn’t a feminist, or does or doesn’t take their husbands name.
but to truly think in your heart that 90% of what one sex does is done through absolute choice is frankly bonkers. Especially when that choice was only really given recently.

I didn’t change my name. I had absolutely no problems vowing to love, honour and cherish, but I fail to understand why that means I have to change my name to do that.

If you're a feminist why keep your father's name? Because my mum changed her name when she married, so it was her name too. It was then given to me when I was born, so now it’s mine. Plus, a line has to be drawn somewhere.