If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

”...people choose to take their husbands name because of choice...!

If they have chosen to take their husband’s surname for good reasons, how is it not a choice

People genuinely think that 90% of people choose to take their husbands name because of choice.

Tbh I think most women just follow the convention without really thinking too much about it.

@ErrolTheDragon Yes, changing names is asymmetric and the convention derives from a genuinely oppressive history. Now? Just a convention which you can adopt if you want but don't have to and which makes absolutely no material difference.

You don't think that 'choosing' to perpetuate a still hugely dominant tradition that is 100% patriarchal, unequal and misogynist has anything to do with feminism?

If it makes 'absolutely no material difference', why isn't it 50/50?

I'm due to get married and still undecided. My considerations are...

In favour of keeping my name:

1. I like my maiden name better
2. I have a close family and my name is a big part of my identity
3. I'd like to do my bit and play even a small part in changing the status quo and making it less of an assumption for future generations that the woman should take her husbands name.

In favour of taking his name:

1. While I'm a feminist I also do like history and tradition 🤷🏻‍♀️
2. Am I really making a huge difference on the feminist front by keeping my dad's name?
3. I am excited to get married and do like the novelty of being known as Mrs Hisname

Then aside from that, there is the question of kids names, and having the same name as any future kids. I've a DSD who has her dad's name, and I do think it'd be nice for any siblings to at least have the same last name.

It's easy to say kids should have their mums name - I honestly think it's hard either way. It's no more fair for kids to automatically get their mums name as it is for them to automatically get their dads. And I don't personally love the idea of making a new name up, or double barrelling.

I chose to get rid of my family surname (horrible memories) - and DH has a crap surname I didn't want, and also I didn't want to be known as Mrs (his mum's surname).

So we chose one together. We all have the same surname, and I am still Miss.

@crabette It's no more fair for kids to automatically get their mums name as it is for them to automatically get their dads.

Well, luckily/unluckily, pretty much zero kids (in the UK at least) 'automatically get their mum's name'.

Given your reasons for keeping your own name (which I think are rock solid and very important), I think it would be a real shame for you to capitulate to the norms of society and lose your own name.

By the way, it's not 'your dad's name'. It's your name.

I didn’t want to because I liked the name I had before, but ended up doing so because I wanted to have the same name as our children. I know they could have taken my name but I felt like that would have bothered my DH and because I love him and he doesn’t ask for much at all I decided it wasn’t worth making a fuss about. I still consider myself a feminist though!

Because I wanted the same name as my husband and future children, and because it was easier, being what people expected- social convention.

@sausagerole

I don't know why I wouldn't have. My surname isn't 'mine' anyway, it's my dad's. And my mum's maiden name is her dad's. If I had to choose between sharing a name with my dad or my husband, I'd choose my husband.

Using that logic your husbands surname isn’t his, but his Dads. So really you share a surname with your father in law.

I just wanted to.

@Parkandride

I didn't change my name and now we're pondering what surname to give our baby. There's no perfect answer, double barrelled can be clunky, a brand new surname has no family links or heritage and involves paperwork, picking one parents name means someone is left out. I'm a bit confused right now.

I can see why people opt for the easy route of going with tradition. And I say that as someone who loves it when women don't change their name. Now I'm pregnant I do have a weird longing for family unity which I'd have scoffed at before, I think as I feel closer to DH and unborn DC than my parents - hormones I guess!

Sometimes you can't make perfect feminist decisions, I let my dad walk me down the aisle. I could argue why thats fine but I'd be kidding myself, tbh it just wasn't worth the argument during wedding stress and I can own that decision.

Similiar.

We went double barelled and the children -now we are divorced and the eldest went to my surname and the youngest is now demanding to be known as just my surname.

Legally it will be a bugger with GCSE Certificates etc -and paperwork. If they still wants to at 18 -we will do it before the A Level exams.

I'm a pretty staunch feminist. I took my husband's surname because it is more visibly Jewish than mine, and progressive Judaism is a massive part of my life and identity.

Because I liked his name more than my own family name.

@Sheleg I am Jewish and that is a bloody weird mental contortion.

Double barrelled sounded stupid with our names. He had changed his via deed pole already and felt a string attachment he didn't want to lose, I wanted the same as him. It was my choice though, no pressure from him.
It was the only thing i struggled with getting married. However, inmade rhe right choice by chosing to use his name.
I don't think it's anti feminist to have matching surnames if it's done through choice.

Didnt like my maiden name!

@crabette
But the ‘history’ and ‘tradition’ of it is that women were chattel, less than full people, were traded in marriage and had no rights no property no money and no vote. By any other metric than ‘women’ it was a kind of slavery. Why do you want to uphold THAT history?

The wedding reception chat: ‘Well, traditionally he would have OWNED me at this point, you see, and I very much wanted to honour that by henceforth calling myself by my father-in-laws name!’

I mean tbh the ‘his name was nicer/I hate my dad’ arguments are less horrifying in a way.

My maiden name was clunky, and didn’t look nice written down. My husbands name is a thing of beauty, and quite unique. I love it almost as much as I love him.

I wanted us to all have the same name. I have 3 brothers who have and use my maiden name (and subsequently went on to have children with that name). Where my husband is the only boy so I wanted his family name to have a chance to carry on.

Also, I am a feminist but I'm also quite traditional. I wanted to be married, it was important to me to be married before having children.

I was very clear that whoever I married had better not ask permission from either parent and of course I didn't promise to obey him (17 years later he still jokes about me promising to obey him, err no buster!) and I was adamant I wasn't being given away. I didn't have the best relationship with my dad anyway and so 2 of my brothers walked me down the isle. I don't recall the vicar suggesting asking about the 'who gives this woman' part but I might have blocked it out.

Double barrelling wouldn't work it sounded ridiculous.
Same name as my kids, no border hassles. Looks like Brexit will cause this in due course anyway.
Could have kept maiden name for work but then passport name different to work name which meant endless travel visa hassles (colleagues experience) and I travelled a LOT for work at the time.

Not a huge fan of my married name but I knew that when I decided to change it.

My banking is still in my maiden name Have been married for a long time but never got around to it

I was quite happy to swap one man's name for another.

I wanted DH and I to be a single no unit and had no intention of carrying my dad's name longer than I had to.

Turned out his family was even less stable than.mine, but hey! When you're 20 what do you know?!?!?!

Because my surnames in childhood were my violent father's one and then my alcoholic (now dead) stepfather's one. I couldn't wait to take my husband's name because I love being part of his family, and looked forward to this also being recognised legally. Nothing about ownership and everything about joining another family, so nothing to reconcile for me. I didn't want to just make a surname up, and short of doing that or double bwrrelling there's no escape from having a man's surname.

You say no judgement but many women are very judgemental about this and I find it quite annoying. You're not a better person or 'feminist' just because you keep your father's name or go to the faff of making up your own. Each to their own.

@JaimieLeeCurtains

I didn't.

You're making assumptions, anyway. Big ones.

Same...

Firstly because I didn't want to double barrel my children's names and secondly because his was nicer than mine! I spent 28 years having to spell my last name to anyone I have it to and having it mispronounced constantly. Dh's name is much simpler and I never have to correct anyone!