If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

I didn't. And wouldn't have. And exdh didn't mind and didn't really expect me to. Even more sure it was the right decision now we're divorced. My girls have double barreled last names and I do appreciate they will have a tricky choice if they choose to marry and have children.

It will cease to be a feminist issue when as many men change their names on marriage as women, and when as many children are given the mother’s birth name as the father’s.

Until then, yes, everyone should make their own choice for their own reasons, but it is only a feminist choice if it bucks the traditional status quo.

Bad memories associated with my maiden name. Feel more settled with this surname.

@corythatwas I take it your child has never been asked to go home to his own bloody country then.

What?

Why on earth would you assume that?

FWIW I'm neither White, British nor Christian by heritage. Which is yet another reason that I didn't opt to erase my entire identity and history to become Mrs HusbandsName.

For the original kids. Definitely helps at passport control. Also, let's say you keep your name, what happens to it if you have original kids? Second marriages with existing kids is another conversation. In that instance, sometimes makes sense for husband to take wife's name is wife has kids and husband doesn't.

I have two close relatives whose businesses are called after their maiden name. I love it. Wish I had something like this. I know a person who is so senior in her workplace and kept her maiden name there. She then went on to publish books under her married name. Scratches head because her married last name is more popular than her maiden name...

@ErrolTheDragon Clearly then you're someone who gives a shit about their name, and so you're harshly judging other women who really don't.
Of all the irrelevancies to get judgemental about, this seems like one of the least important to me. Clearly you think it's of more significance.

If it's so irrelevant, unimportant and insignificant, and just due to random factors like who has the nicest dad or the easiest to spell or most interesting name, why isn't it equal numbers of men and women changing their name on marriage?

And all the people saying because it’s easier for forms and children etc etc

OF COURSE IT IS. Because MEN MADE IT SUIT THEM

And until it’s regularly challenged and no longer normal then it’s a massive feminist issue

For me, it was partly because I hated my maiden name - it was used as the basis for the nickname with which I was bullied throughout senior school - it made my life a misery, and even now, I don’t think I could ever want that name back.

Also, I wanted dh and I to have the same surname - it made me feel we were a family (though I am sure that is more to do with my insecurities, and that there are plenty of people who have kept their own surname and are entirely secure in their marriages).

So since dh did like his surname, and I hated mine, it made sense for me to take his surname. But I think it is good that we live in a time where it is a genuine choice for women whether they change their surname or not.

I married 25 years ago and kept my name. I'm not young either, approaching late-60s, but a feminist since my teens. DH not bothered.

Because I chose to not because of tradition, it doesn’t make me any less of a feminist.

I didn't. In fact, I took my own surname many years ago and kept it on marriage. Kids have both surnames.

But yes, I don't see the huge difference in keeping the "family" name, which is invariably the name inherited from your father, and taking the name of another man.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius So since dh did like his surname, and I hated mine, it made sense for me to take his surname. But I think it is good that we live in a time where it is a genuine choice for women whether they change their surname or not.

You don't think that the fact that, even on this thread full of self-professed feminists, the overwhelming majority still took their husbands' names, might suggest that there is anything influencing that 'genuine choice'?

@Beyondfedupnow Because I chose to not because of tradition, it doesn’t make me any less of a feminist.

That's your opinion. Others may disagree.

@biggreengrinch But yes, I don't see the huge difference in keeping the "family" name, which is invariably the name inherited from your father, and taking the name of another man.

1. No, it's not 'invariably inherited from your father'.

2. My family and my husband's family have completely different ethnic, religious and cultural backgrounds. Do you really think there is no difference between me keeping the name I was born with, and erasing my identity by taking a name of a completely different family and culture?

You don't think that the fact that, even on this thread full of self-professed feminists, the overwhelming majority still took their husbands' names,

the op/title (plus, tbh, the age distribution of FWR) will almost citing make this a biased self selecting sample.

@ErrolTheDragon Lol. You think this is unrepresentative of the UK population?

What percentage of women in the UK do you think change their name to their husband's when they marry?

What percentage do you think keep their own name?

What percentage of men in the UK change to their wife's name when they marry?

What percentage keep their own name?

I mean, you think this is a 'self-selecting sample', so presumably you think those numbers are all equal in society as a whole - right?

@SomersetHamlyn

I changed my name from my family name for various reasons and kept that name when I got married, I'm firmly in the keep your name if you want to camp!

But generally, the name a woman keeps upon marriage is one that was her father's, as others have pointed out. If you want to keep a cultural hold then surely having 2 names is the way forward, unless you're absolutely dead against taking someone else's name, in which case then you do you.

I don't think there's a wrong answer here, people change their names for a variety of reasons, not just marriage, and ultimately unless a woman is being told by her husband to be that she "must" take his name then I don't see an issue.

It’s similar to asking “why do you shave your legs” or “why do you wear dresses”. We’ve grown up conditioned to these societal norms and, as a result, want to participate in them. As long as we know the reasoning behind why we feel this way, and ensure we don’t pass this oppression to others, it doesn’t make us any less of a feminist.

To save your embarrassment, @ErrolTheDragon , I'll give you the answer:
approximately 90 percent of women in the UK take their husband's name when they get married. 90 percent

www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200921-why-do-women-still-change-their-names

Only one woman in ten keeps her own name. hardly equal, is it? But you think this thread is unrepresentative, do you?

@SomersetHamlyn - I am sure you are right, but I do think women have more of a choice now than they did in the past.

I liked my maiden name but I love my husband's surname
I don't like nouveau DB surnames, just too try hard
I wanted to
I don't give a toss what other people think or if they think this makes me a non feminist. All that matters is that I am comfortable with how I live my life. It makes me that others are so judgy about it
I wanted to
I shave my arm pits too
I wanted to

It makes me v happy to share a name with DH, makes us feel like even more of a team, like we are even more connected

You think this is unrepresentative of the UK population?

Unfortunately the majority of women in the U.K. don't necessarily identify as feminists so you're muddling up different groups.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius please see the link i just posted above. 90% of women in the UK still change their name when they get married. This figure has not changed.

It means nothing at all to claim that women 'have a choice' when, as this thread amply demonstrates, nine out of 10 women bizarrely, coincidentally, and completely freely, make exactly the same 'choice' that they have always been told to make.

www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200921-why-do-women-still-change-their-names

But why is it that so many women consider their surname to be their father's and hence disposable, when men almost universally consider their surname to be their own and kept for life.

@ErrolTheDragon Unfortunately the majority of women in the U.K. don't necessarily identify as feminists so you're muddling up different groups.

The question I asked, which you keep trying to obfuscate, was very simple.

do you think the fact that the overwhelming majority of women in the UK, even those who call themselves feminists, make exactly the same 'choice', suggests that there might be anything constraining or influencing that choice?