If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

@EileenGC

I'm Spanish, I have two surnames, they're not double barrelled. I have one from each parent. When I have children I will pass on one of mine and combine it with one of my husband's, in any order we like. It used to be dad first and mum second (mine are like that) but it's not a legal requirement anymore, people do what they want nowadays.

Women in Spain don't change their name when marrying. Ever. It simply doesn't exist. When we learnt at school about other countries, where you have 'the Jones family' or 'the Watts family', we were all very confused. In Spain it's always 'the Pérez Martínez family' for example.

I could not imagine changing my name when I marry. It's my name and it will always be my name. If I didn't like it I guess I could change it by deed poll, but when it comes to marriage, why would my husband be more entitled than me to pass a name on to our children? It's still a bizarre concept for me 😅

That said, I don't think the number of sexist men (and women) is lower in Spain, just because we keep our names. There's still plenty of sexist pigs around, so I don't think feminism-wise it makes a huge difference.

Can I ask, what happens when the children grow up? For example if Ana Perez Martinez marries Pablo Garcia Fuentes, what are their children’s surnames? This has always puzzled me so seizing on the chance to clear it up.

Because mine is a pain to spell and I already have to spell my first name. I still use it unofficially as part of my name and the kids have it as a middle name.

He could have changed to mine, but see above spelling issue.

Everyone saying 'my maiden name'.

It's not your maiden name. It's the name you were born with. If you have a boy do you teach him how to write 'his name' but if it's a girl, you teach her that her name is her 'maiden name'? Just until she marries? We teach children of both sexes what their names are. I would be very surprised if growing up I'd discovered that my name would normally become my 'maiden name' after I'd married.

It's also not your father's name less than it is (or was) your aunt's. If your father had a sister, they were both born with the same name. Their family name. Doesn't matter if they were male or female.

Why does a woman's name turn into her 'maiden name' when she gets married. It's still her name.

‘ The name-changing tradition is absolutely about wives being part of their husband's possessions.’

I would never marry a man who still had this outlook. I wouldn’t take the traditional vows either. There’s two options either I take his or he takes mine a decision we will make together doesn’t mean he owns me or i own him.
It annoys me that in this day and age women still have to justify whatever choice they make because they feel if they take the name they aren’t feminist enough and if they don’t they are too feminist.

I am interested in women who get divorced who then change their name back to their birth name.

I actually really get all the reasons for changing (family pressure, wanting the same name, disliking own name, general societal patriarchal pressure which tbh is huge) BUT. I don't get why then some women (not all i know) then if they get divorced go back to their old name? And ex-husbands can seem annoyed if they don't? In that scenario it seems like women are only having the honour of the name bestowed on them while married, then yanked away! Is it not really weird being like, yes i'm sarah jones, no now i'm sarah smith, nope, now i'm sarah jones again?

We both double barrelled because DH (and me too, but to a lesser extent I think) wanted us all to have the same name when we have kids. I don't know that it was necessarily the most feminist choice as I don't especially like his surname - both of ours are boring but I prefer mine - and without any pressure I think I'd have kept mine on its own, give children mine, and have DH take it too if he wanted.

In practice neither of us actually use the double barrelled name, we just use our original names - baby number 1 is due later this year so that might change then in personal lives, but not at work I don't think.

Can I ask, what happens when the children grow up? For example if Ana Perez Martinez marries Pablo Garcia Fuentes, what are their children’s surnames? This has always puzzled me so seizing on the chance to clear it up.

Their children would be called X García Pérez. Or Pérez García, if they use the mum's name first, which more and more people choose to do these days.

It's actually a bit of a pain if you don't have the two surnames, when it comes to official paperwork, school rolls, hospital and GP, and basically anything that requires a form of any kind. If you don't have a second surname (foreign residents for example) you're always having to write --- or . on forms, and explain why you don't have two. Online forms will most likely be declined as the system doesn't recognise a dot as a surname... Speaking from my parents' personal experience, as they weren't born in Spain and struggled with this for many years. The default option is two surnames.

Just be honest. You did it because it's what you're meant to do.

I take it your child has never been asked to go home to his own bloody country then.

We chose a new name, dh double barrelled his surname and the new one and I just switched to the new one and ditched my old name as I hated it.

In all honesty I didn't really think about it at the time. I just went with tradition because I wasn't overly bothered. I have fought sexism in the workplace it just didn't register as an issue when I got married.

Now I am divorced its something I struggle with because I don't want to keep my ex husband name (I will with the school etc as for my particular DC it would cause upset if I changed it) but I do see my maiden name as my fathers. I am genuinely not sure what to do. I am not convinced I want to pick a new name but my df is remarkably traditional and it is very much "his" name. I don't actually know what the answer is but I very much do not se much difference between my married name being socially seen as my ex husbands and my maiden name as my fathers. I don't personally see any feminist win being achieved for me by keeping my maiden name.

They are both mens and I am struggling with the feeling that I have never really had my own surname but I am not sure what the answer is .

I took my DH's name because I liked it (was a bit longer than mine so balanced out my one syllable first name better than a one syllable surname did, eg Jane Bassett rather than Jane Smith). DS has my name. DSS has double barrelled his name with his wife's.

DH would have changed to my name if I had wanted him to, we discussed it, but I preferred to change to his. The combination of our names didn't work for double barrelling, it sounds silly.

Our names sounded ridic double barrelled and my maiden name is a nightmare to spell. Not having to spell your name 19 times when phoning utilities is bliss!

I did. I don’t care about my last name, happy to rid of it! Husband liked his name.

Because it was easier for me to get a passport in advance in his name than vice versa, for some crazy reason. And we needed one as we were emigrating straight afterwards and needed visas.

We wanted the same surname, and for him to change was extra paperwork. Looking back I wish we had done it, but it was another chore at the time and we didn’t have much time.

I chose to take my DHs surname, because I had always found mine a tiny bit embarrassing.
Not very high-brow, but there it is.

I’m 57. I’ve always kept my own name. In fact it was a point off honour in the 80’s.

I used to ask my mum why she changed her name on marriage. Her maiden name was awesome, her married name and subsequently my name was bloody awful. Not just bullied at school awful, but grown adults thinking you are taking the piss awful. When I asked why she had burdened me with this horrific legacy, she said she took the name 'because I loved your dad'. I said if she knew she wanted children she should have known she would love us and have kept her own name, I was a pissed off teenager who thought she had deliberately made my life a bit more crap than it needed to be. I got married young and obviously took his name, in my case if we lived in a world where only 10% of women changed their name on marriage I would have done it. As an adult though I realise how much people do the done thing / maintain the status quo . In anything to do with marriage in particular people follow traditions. And mum obviously didn't make decision in the full knowledge of what a drag it is to have that name. My dad knew though, but teenaged me didn't give HIM any shit about it, and he's more traditional than my mum!

I had a maiden surname that people made fun of, and I liked his name.

Because I wanted to. Feminism is having the choice.
Feminism is being able to be Mrs Husbandname or Mrs/Ms MaidenName. Feminism is being able to choose a career and be paid fairly as a women. It is also being able to be a SAHM if you want.

I don't know why I wouldn't have. My surname isn't 'mine' anyway, it's my dad's. And my mum's maiden name is her dad's. If I had to choose between sharing a name with my dad or my husband, I'd choose my husband.

Why do people keep saying feminism is the choice to change my name to my husbands.

fine, if it was split 50/50 with men and women changing their names, but it’s not. So don’t pretend you’re a feminist when you’re just taking the easy route given to you by a patriarchal society.

Feminism is about equality, and name changing for marriage is one of the most obvious places where men and women are not equal, because of societies expectations, given that our society is mainly still run by men for the advantage of men. Ergo a patriarchy.

I thought being feminist was about having choices, not about feeling forced into something because it's expected of you.

• I wasn't particularly attached to my name, after all it was my father's, and his father's etc.
• mine and DHs names are very similar sounding so sound ridiculous double barrelled (think Watson-Matson)
• I'm a Dr and pre marriage I was Dr Watson, which I didn't like.
• I wanted us all to have the same name. We consider a mash up (difficult as both so similar) and considered a completely different name but DH likes his surname and I wasn't fussed.
• I'm not very bothered about names, I have a long name with lots of different shortenings/ common nicknames, I answer to and am known by all of them.

I thought being feminist was about having choices, not about feeling forced into something because it's expected of you
Feminism is about liberating women from the patriarchy, not deciding any action done by a woman is feminist.

FWIW I changed my name on marriage.

@cherrypop86
Do you really think that deep down? I mean on the surface yes. But if society has drummed into you that you should make a choice that’s the old norm, do you feel you have more power?
I mean they’re just laughing at us now, look at all those wimin, we gave them choice and they really want to all the choices we made for them for thousands of years!! Of total free will.

I mean that’s fine, but at least examine WHY you’re truly making the choices you are.