If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

If being a feminist is judged by whether or not you choose to take your husbands name or not then god help us all!

@Narniacalling. What is feminist behavior, in your opinion? Not being goady, I genuinely want to know. What should women be doing ( that many of us aren’t doing) in order to be feminists?

Oh and because Dh saw how dc was treated by her father and the new woman, he understandably refused point blank to take what he saw as my ex h's name.

I never took my husband’s name. DS has a double-barrel one.

[quote Blessex]@RainingBatsAndFrogs I am sure we could. But what has that even got to do with me a feminist and believing in women’s rights[/quote]
Because it is the patriarchal status quo that women change their name to that if the man they marry.

You can make a free choice to fit in with that patriarchal tradition but until as many men choose to take their wife’s name there is a feminist context to that decision.

You can still be a feminist, but that particular choice was not a feminist one. IMO.

Isn't feminism equality of the sexes? So if both husband and wife are in agreement to using the wife's name they can choose that, it the husband's name, they can choose that too? My husband offered to take my name if I preferred that. Equal choice is the thing, right?

@Onlinedilema my story is much the same as yours. And honestly I am pissed off that other women judge my feminism by the fact I choose to take my husbands name. Feminism runs deeper than names.

I much preferred his name to mine

@RainingBatsAndFrogs yes but it has eff all to do with the fact that I am paid less than the men I work alongside. That would happen whatever name I had.

@Cameleongirl
Honestly, I think to call yourself a feminist you really need to be constantly aware and actively fighting for equality, not stand up and shout daily, but do everything you can in little ways to make your mark. It’s a cause that people have fought and died for.

Otherwise you’re just a woman that likes some of the outcomes that feminism has fought for but you’re not bothered enough not to really rally against the patriarchy. And you’re happy to go along with whatever makes your life easier. Even if the things that make your life easy are made by men who want to keep you down.

@AlwaysLatte

Isn't feminism equality of the sexes? So if both husband and wife are in agreement to using the wife's name they can choose that, it the husband's name, they can choose that too? My husband offered to take my name if I preferred that. Equal choice is the thing, right?

Yes.

But it seems that many couples don’t actually make a choice, they just go with ‘tradition’, and where there is any discussion very very few men choose to change their name to the woman’s.

If it is a free choice in a level playing field, why is that?

@RainingBatsAndFrogs you really really think that if I hadn’t changed my name I would be paid the same as my male counterparts. Oh give over!

I would love it to be an equal choice!!! If it was 90% of women wouldn’t be the ones losing their names

It honestly didn't occur to me to take DH's name when we got married. 15 years later and after quite a bit of time on FWR, I'm half disappointed that I didn't put forward the suggestion of using my name instead. I think my DH would have struggled with the idea though, so I'm also half relieved that I didn't think about it at the time - I think it would have ended in a (very rare) major argument. I definitely wanted us all to share a name, and personally I'm not a fan of double barrelling (definitely wouldn't have worked for our names) so I'm not sure what the ideal solution is tbh, it's a tricky one.

Because I want to

I don't t think a name is that important, it doesn't 'define' me, it's only letters of the alphabet. For various reasons I have never used the surname on my birth certificate - and it has never been an issue when applying for a passport, driving licence, getting married etc. During my first marriage I kept the surname I had always used, for the perfectly shallow reason that I didn't like my first DH's surname. When I married again I used the same surname as my DH - a nice, short, easy surname.

But it's only a word, I fail to see why people get so worked up about it when there are so many more important things that define you as an individual rather than what you call yourself.

Isn't feminism equality of the sexes? So if both husband and wife are in agreement to using the wife's name they can choose that, it the husband's name, they can choose that too? My husband offered to take my name if I preferred that. Equal choice is the thing, right?

It isn’t equal choice. Or even free choice. If it were there would be a more even split between women taking his mane, men taking her name, both keeping their own, or some other choice.

99% of women change their names though. Society expects it, and it’s hard to go against that, whether you realise it or not.

[quote Blessex]@Onlinedilema my story is much the same as yours. And honestly I am pissed off that other women judge my feminism by the fact I choose to take my husbands name. Feminism runs deeper than names.[/quote]
I think most of us would agree that feminism runs deeper and wider than names.
But that doesn’t mean that stopping to ask why men seem to carry their name forwards like a dynasty and women don’t isn’t a valid thing to do.
And lots of us who are feminists also make some non feminist choices.

Why don’t men change their names?
Why don’t men ‘hate their names’ and change them?
Why don’t men change their names to be different from an abusive father?
Why do men feel strongly about their names where women do not?

Why don’t men change their names because they want the same name as their wife?

Ragwort
But it's only a word, I fail to see why people get so worked up about it when there are so many more important things that define you as an individual rather than what you call yourself

I agree. So why do men cling so determinedly to their names and refuse to change?

It’s not only a word or a mix of letters

Do people really think that

@Narniacalling

And all the people saying because it’s easier for forms and children etc etc

OF COURSE IT IS. Because MEN MADE IT SUIT THEM

And until it’s regularly challenged and no longer normal then it’s a massive feminist issue

Lots of women on this thread tying themselves in knots to justify changing their names or not passing their own names on to their children. The patriarchy has done a real number on us.

[quote Blessex]@RainingBatsAndFrogs you really really think that if I hadn’t changed my name I would be paid the same as my male counterparts. Oh give over![/quote]
Er, no I don’t think that.
I specifically did not say that because I don’t think that.

Pay, health, law etc are the fundamentals.
Doesn’t mean other issues don’t have currency.

Why do defensive?

If you knew my original surname you'd know exactly why I changed it.

My DC feel very sorry for their cousins who have it, and are glad we didn't give them both surnames. Teasing/bullying would have ensured, without a doubt. I know this all too well from school.

I got married in 1990. I didn't feel under any pressure to change my name from anyone. DH certainly didn't have any expectations that I would. I gave it a lot of thought. He has an unusual, very nice surname and my first name sounds really good with it. My surname as I've said is awful and my first name sort of blends into it. Not good.

Plus I'm the first person that comes up if you Google my name, which is very shallow but pleases me rather more than it should

I'm not married to "DH" but our kids have his surname. He wants to get married and I would like to have the same name as the kids, but I hate being a mrs. I know that sounds weird, I was married before, a long time ago ( when I was very young )and if someone called me Mrs exhusband I hated it, nothing against my ex or his surname, maybe it was my age. But if someone dared to be formal enough to call me Mrs husbands-first name I'd be in rage, I don't want be to owned, but I would like to be a family.