If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

@TawnyPippit

I find much of this so ... depressing

All these men with lovely surnames. No men with abusive fathers that they don’t want to extend the family name.

Why is it only women in this situation?

Agreed. Whether people change their name or not is, of course, entirely up to them. But, all these couples making completely free choices... with women overwhelmingly doing the name changing. I know several men with terrible surnames. It doesn't seem to have crossed their minds to take their wives' more innocuous ones. If it came down to it, I'm sure most men wouldn't change their names for the sake of being a "family unit", that's something which lies entirely with women.

Because my maiden name was Smellie.

I didn't like my maiden name, it was tricky to spell right and often pronounced wrong. My father is also a piece of work.
I liked DHs surname, it's pretty easy to spell, it's short. I didn't want to come up with a new name. I feel in the future if someone wanted to trace back my family tree taking DHs surname would make that easier. Also DHs family are lovely and I like feeling like part of that.
My DSis is engaged, both her and her fiancée have had difficult family histories with the people who provided their surnames and they intend to adopt a new one when they marry. There is no right answer, it's just what's best for you.

Out of interest, everyone here with a really terrible maiden name, if you hated it so much, why did you wait to get married to change it?

I have a funky foreign surname that no one can spell or pronounce. It was a good opportunity to ditch it for something English sounding. Years of ‘can you spell that for me?’ ‘How is that pronounced?’ ‘Where’s your name from?’ It was a blessed relief.

Because he's is quite normal . Mine was truly awful. (Think 'Roberts' vs Slappedarse' ) Simple as that. If it had been the other way round we would of used mine.

@MissingLinker

Out of interest, everyone here with a really terrible maiden name, if you hated it so much, why did you wait to get married to change it?

Because to me - that would be just weird. Adopting some random surname. At least taking my husbands name had some meaning. But yes - one of the big plus points of getting married to me , was the chance to ditch the awful surname after years of squirming when ever my name was called.

For me it's because my maiden name is linked to belonging to my father, which I had no choice about and which isn't a choice I'd make. I chose my husband. I had agency over that decision and he is a good man. So the name change denotes an empowered choice on my part. If DH had wanted to take my name, I'd be fine with that.

If my DD gets married, I'm intending to ask the pair of them if either or both is planning to change their name.

Someone upthread said 'Teach your daughters to question everything!' ... yes, but hopefully those of you with sons do likewise.

Because I made one of the most stupid decisions of my life. Even though I am now divorced, I kept the name so I match with dd. And as a result, if I go for a job, I have to take my marriage certificate to prove my qualifications are mine.

Hi, interesting thread.

Just saying that here in Ireland it is quite unusual for married women to take their husbands surname, applies to all parts of society. My sister wed 20 years ago, and my sil 18 yrs ago and as an example never changed their birth names. They are not alone. No one bats an eyelid.

No need to change bank accounts, driving license, ID or passport either, win win! Kids have Dads surname or double barrelled, but that's often seen as being "above your station " or pretentious lol.

For me, because 'my' surname wasn't mine I'd had from birth, it was my stepfather's and was changed when I was about 10. I wasn't particularly attached to it and I liked my husband's surname better. I also wanted to have the same surname as my children, who I had given my husband's name to before we were married. It meant more to his family than it did to mine, I wasn't that bothered.

I 'proposed' though.

I did not take DHs name. I don’t think it’s a big deal for my kids to have his name, although I am a little sad I didn’t double barrel.

Because I wanted to.

@veeeeh yes, I agree. I moved to Ireland ten years after I got married and noticed this. Two of my Irish SILs changed their names when they got married 30 or so years ago, the other two didn't. I would guess that a higher proportion of Irish women don't change their names, compared to British women. Nobody comments, it's an individual decision.

Hmm.

I think women are or have been conditioned into thinking they either should or could change their names. So they get to 20-25-30-35 whatever and think that the name they have is ‘not good enough’. And the way they have to change this is by changing to the man’s name (which seems luckily/magically to be much better than theirs).

I didn't because I'm just not keen on his name in comparison to mine which is very rare (never known of another outside my family). I also had a not very nice father though but I see it as my name, not his. We moved away so no-one I know associates it with him. DC have husbands name. I never really got the whole 'I wanted us all to have the same name' thing. But growing up, myself and sis had one name, mum remarried so had a different name, brother had his dad's name. We were all different but it never caused an issue and certainly didn't make us feel like less of a family.

@MissingLinker

Out of interest, everyone here with a really terrible maiden name, if you hated it so much, why did you wait to get married to change it?

In my case, because it would have hurt my father terribly. I wouldn't ever want to cause unnecessary upset, I'm a kinder person than that.

@CheesePleaz

If you're a feminist why keep your father's name?

You realise how stupid this makes you sound, surely?

Why is your husband’s name his name but your name....is your dad’s.

Whenever this ‘argument’ is made (by idiots) I always wonder why they chose to change their name to that of their father in law? As that’s what you did, obviously.

Unless of course you’re the kind of misogynist who thinks men own the names they use but women just borrow them.....

Misogynist or moron, you decide.

Anyway OP - not every decision a feminist makes is a feminist decision. You must know this.

I won't take OH's name when we marry. Not because of feminist convictions, but because my first name would look/sound stupid with his surname.

It's also the reason why DD has his surname.

It's shallow and very superficial, but that is/was my thought process for both.

Can’t wait to change mine:
Hate my surname, is the butt of jokes. Have to spell it out constantly.
Want to sever all ties with my dad.
Love my fiancé’s surname.
Love my fiancé’s family and look forward to being one of them.

Men have won on this thread

Women still do what they want
Women think it’s free choice
Women get angry that other women say it’s not feminist
Women berate other women

MEN - sit there and get what they think they want, NO CHANGE - what so ever

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby

“But what happens to the next generation...quadruple-barrelling?”

Well in my case we used one of my surnames and one of my husbands, so no. Still just two.

I didn't. I didn't feel like I had a different name after getting married so I didn't change it.

I kept my name and the children have my name