If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

I can relate to those with abusive fathers.

I'm one of them. My father was an abusive psychopath. Oddly enough it was my brother who seriously considered adopting our mother's family name to achieve the disassociation with their fathers some PPs have spoken of.

From my viewpoint, my family name was given to me shortly after birth and that makes it mine. As I didn't borrow but owned it, The question of my changing it because of someone else's behaviour was therefore irrelevant.

Other women's choices are none of my business. The only issues frequently arising out of this oft-had conversation are 1. the insistence that feminism is about 'choice'. It isn't. It's about levelling the field of opportunity; what women then choose to do or not do with those opportunities is up to them. And second, I'm completely with the OPs who brought up the question of the 'maiden name'. I agree with them. I find the term repulsive.

@tootsytoo - what counts as a reasonable excuse? You didn’t say.

Love all these women pretending it was a choice. Why, when you wanted the whole family to have one name, didn't you double-barrel or he take your name?

Feminism, of course, is about choice, but real choice, not taking his name because of all the bullshit reasons listed in pp. Otherwise there'd be just as many men taking their partners names for similar reasons. Except there aren't, because most women won't break the cycle.

Well I broke the cycle. I've always been Ms for a start, not Miss then Mrs, always Ms. Just like adult men are always Mr.

We double-barrelled, but if my husband hadn't wanted to do that or take my name, then DC would have had my name, or we would have chosen a new name altogether.

Women really do need to stop blindly taking their husband's name.

@DramaAlpaca

If you knew my original surname you'd know exactly why I changed it.

My DC feel very sorry for their cousins who have it, and are glad we didn't give them both surnames. Teasing/bullying would have ensured, without a doubt. I know this all too well from school.

I got married in 1990. I didn't feel under any pressure to change my name from anyone. DH certainly didn't have any expectations that I would. I gave it a lot of thought. He has an unusual, very nice surname and my first name sounds really good with it. My surname as I've said is awful and my first name sort of blends into it. Not good.

Plus I'm the first person that comes up if you Google my name, which is very shallow but pleases me rather more than it should

See, this really really puzzles me. I don’t blame you for one minute for changing such a name.

But why did your brother (s) keep the name and pass it in to your nieces / nephews?

In a free world your brother (s) had as much choice as you to not inflict that name in their kids!

And why did your Mum do it? I am in my early 60s. LOADS of my contemporaries did not change their names or give their kids the father’s name.

Because it's more important to him than it is to me.

I will be keeping my 'old' name for work purposes though

It’s looking to me as if some people will only believe a woman has made a valid choice if she makes the choice they approve of - which cannot be taking their husband’s name. That is not a choice, and it is certainly not a valid or reasonable choice. Ohh no.

Because my DH's name is awesome and can be traced back to the 12th century. My was awful and I was glad to change it.

My grandmother's husband was Russian and he took her name in 1935.

My name had 15 letters. DH's and now mine has 17 letters. We were hardly going to double barrel. It would have been an act of cruelty to the children. I suppose we could have chosen to adopt the name Smith .

Women really do need to stop blindly taking their husband's name.

Women are starting to do so, you're an example yourself. This sort of societal convention takes time to change. It's not a failure of feminism or feminists that we're not at parity on this.

One of the reasons may well be that because it's still common for women to change their names and men not to that boys are more attached to their birth surname than girls. It's arguable that men are at this point more constrained in their choice than women.

@ErrolTheDragon

Women really do need to stop blindly taking their husband's name.

Women are starting to do so, you're an example yourself. This sort of societal convention takes time to change. It's not a failure of feminism or feminists that we're not at parity on this.

One of the reasons may well be that because it's still common for women to change their names and men not to that boys are more attached to their birth surname than girls. It's arguable that men are at this point more constrained in their choice than women.

You're right that there is some change, but the numbers are still low and I don't think men are any more attached to their names than women are. I just think that most men are socially conditioned to feel that taking his wife's name would be emasculating and most women have been socially conditioned to not even question the patriarchal practice of taking her husband's name, or giving their children his name.

It's time we taught this in schools, with girls snd boys learning together that their surnames are of equal value. It's sexist and ridiculous that this practice continues in proportions it does.

Teach your daughters to question everything!

@YakkityYakYakYak

Cause I want my family unit to all have the same name, and DHs surname is nicer than mine.

This^

@RainingBatsAndFrogs I'm only a few years younger than you. My mother is in her 80s, not changing her name simply wouldn't have occurred to her.

As for my sibling, what they did was up to them, nothing to do with me. I don't think my sibling was bullied for their surname so maybe they have a different take on it, who knows?

What is certain, however, is that I don't feel the need to apologise for changing my name or justify it in any way. I wanted to do it, I'm happy that I did and other people's opinions are totally irrelevant.

Erm.... Because I want my family to have the same name and don't want the stigma of or a long and complicated double barrelled name.

I also don't use the title Mrs, I use Ms as why should men be the only ones to have a title that doesn't give your marital status away.

I am 29 and have been married 2.5 years when I went to the bank to change my name on our joint account the cashier asked me what I wanted my title to be, I was about to say Ms and then she said "oh its Mrs obviously" erm no not obviously. That really peed me off!!!

@SalemsPot22

We are double barrelling ours when we get married.

But what happens to the next generation...quadruple-barrelling?

Because its about choice , womens rights wtc was about women having choices and it is a choice to keep maiden name or go double barrelled or change it.

I find much of this so ... depressing

All these men with lovely surnames. No men with abusive fathers that they don’t want to extend the family name.

Why is it only women in this situation?

@dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby

Yes agree, also feel by double barrelling I am taking the choice away from my daughter or daughter in law!!!

Also if you give your child both names , what will ypur children do

@Blessex

In fact that’s the next stage isn’t it. You can’t be a feminist if you get married to a man. Why get married? Because it’s romantic. Why take their name. Because I see it as the same. Absolutely zero to do with how women should be treated.

Frankly, I have no problem challenging the idea of marriage for "romance". Marriage is, first and foremost, a legal contract which offers the potential for financial protections.

@glitterbiscuits why do you feel you need to judge another's choice though ? It affects you in no way and has nothing to do with you.
All these people giving children double barrelled names what will they do when they get married , be very long surnames or will you be telling your daughters they can not change their names.
The point of womens rights etc is about having choice and equal rights , which in regards to married names we have ,.
I find it quite insulting that other women feel its ok to look down on other women because they made a different choice to them .

Also about DH not taking my name, that is a much more complicated process (and yea it shouldn't be) I can just change surename with passport and marriage certificate but DH cannot do this it's a much more complicated process.

I didn’t change mine. It felt really wrong. So glad I didn’t.

We didn’t double barrel as the name would’ve sounded ridiculous. And in fact, my pretty progressive DH suggested the family took my surname at one point but I refused as I think his v traditional family would’ve cut him off.

My two DS have never once questioned why we don’t all have the same name. Children only see difference when it’s pointed out to them.

• All these men with lovely surnames. No men with abusive fathers that they don’t want to extend the family name.

Why is it only women in this situation?*

There probably are men with abusive fathers who would do well to change their name - that's what I meant about perhaps men being more constrained at this point.
But it's not the primary function of feminism to fix that.

I didn’t. We both changed our names.
And a surname doesn’t necessarily originally stem from a patriarchal source. Surnames haven’t been around very long (in the grand scheme of things) and some originated from the link to the mother. At the end of the day though, you can call yourself whatever you want but your only legal name is the one on your birth certificate.

My surname is a fish. Not a particularly grand fish. My OH has a great name which can be traced back to landowners in the 17th Century. I took his so I am no longer a fish. We are not married. Now if only we could find the land that he owns.

I liked my husband’s surname more than my maiden name.
Feminism is about CHOICE!