If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

Because my parents double barrelled my first name and last name and I was sick of writing four long names down on a piece of documentation every single time much easier now.

I’m a feminist who didn’t take her husband’s name

Feminism is about choice though

EileenGC Thanks for your answer. my DC have 2 surnames but a lot of people on here seem to hate them as they’re clunky or pretentious or whatever and want that one “family unit” name. Interesting you can’t get people in the Uk to use both. Can I ask if yours are hyphenated? I didn’t want to add the hyphen in my kids names but my husband said it would confuse people if we didn’t - seems like he is right! I actually do have a hyphenated surname too but have typically only ever used one (at school, work etc) so a lot of people don’t realise. It’s on all my official paperwork, bank accounts, ID though. I like that I have that connection to both my maternal and paternal families.

@Shoxfordian exactly. It is about choice. And I chose to take my husbands name because I love him and want us to be a unit. Same as getting married. Why get married in the first place unless you want to be seen as a unit?

In fact that’s the next stage isn’t it. You can’t be a feminist if you get married to a man. Why get married? Because it’s romantic. Why take their name. Because I see it as the same. Absolutely zero to do with how women should be treated.

Any explanations as to why men don’t (often) change their surnames from that of abusive fathers?

People who changed their name because their birth surname was embarrassing / difficult to pronounce / spell etc, did your brothers keep that name? Did your bothers’ wives take that name?

Blessex, could you be a unit with both of you havjng your surname? Did you discuss that?

@RainingBatsAndFrogs I am sure we could. But what has that even got to do with me a feminist and believing in women’s rights

It just wasn’t a big deal to me. His name would have died with him if he hadn’t kept it (unlike mine), and I wanted us and our future children to have the same name, so it worked for us.

In the grand scheme of things it’s not an issue I hang my hat on, so long as every woman is free to choose for herself what to do.

Of course you can be a feminist and get married. Marriage is a contract that should benefit both parties.

Why can’t men change their names? How many women actually have that conversation.

Double barrel is perfect. Then the next generation chose the two they like the most that they can give to their kids ad infinitum, suddenly know one knows or cares who’s name it belongs to.

I took my husband's name as I had no connection to my surname before marriage.

My DM took my DF's surname on marriage, and gave me their surname. They split when I was 6 months and divorced when I was 2. I had very little to no contact with my DF or his side of the family.
My DM kept her married name (so we would have the same surname) right up until she remarried when I was 18.
My DM died 3 months before I got married so there was no reason to keep my surname as I had no connection to that name than I would if just made one up on the spot.

I took my husband's name because my family were awful to me, years of abuse and abandonment, couldn't wait to ditch it!

Because I wanted to. Nothing more or less than that.

Because that is the point of feminism

• to have a choice ...

Like wearing makeup, Like not wearing the make up Wanting a man to open the door, Don your power tools

Just to have the choice is feminism.

@tootsytoo

I agree OP and it's the reason I didn't change my name. Bollocks to that.

Each to their own but I don't understand why by default of being female I have to change my name.

I also find it odd so many women make excuses for doing it instead of just owning it and saying they changed because they wanted to which is equally fine.

But saying they did it because they hate their name, I'm sure there are men that hate their name but still to the tradition of keeping it!

@tootsytoo - what are you classing as ‘excuses’, though? I’m one of the people who has given my reasons for wanting to change my surname - am I just making excuses, or do you deem my reasons to be sufficient?

It is about choice. And I chose to take my husbands name because I love him and want us to be a unit. Same as getting married. Why get married in the first place unless you want to be seen as a unit?

Having the same name doesn’t make you a “unit” . Although him taking your name would have the same effect, why didn’t you do that?

Tbh i don’t care how others see us, and I don’t care if they think we’re a “unit” or not.
I actually like having a different name and not always being seen as part of that unit, it helps me retain an identity outside of wife and mother. I like having a different name to my kids too, especially these days- it’s DH who gets all the social media requests from school, clubs, sports etc while I stay anonymous...

I didn't, he took mine. But isn't the whole point to have a choice, maybe they just chose to

@Perdigal
Because that is the point of feminism

• to have a choice ...

Like wearing makeup, Like not wearing the make up Wanting a man to open the door, Don your power tools

Just to have the choice is feminism.

That’s the funniest shit I’ve seen in a while

I can fundamentally say, feminism is dead, if this is our base idea of it

I didn't. Because I didn't want to.
He would prefer us to have the same name but won't change his.

Mine is nicer.

(And my kids have my surname)

@MissJeanLouiseFinch no, mine aren't hyphenated, in Spain we just take one from each parent and they're just two different names. Some people have a double-barrelled first/second surname though (especially old aristocratic families). So you can end up with 3 or 4.

I think in the UK having them separate does cause some small issues. It depends whether it would bother you or not. I'd spent my whole life being called Name SN1 as the shortened version of my name, so I didn't want the confusion of becoming Name SN2 in the UK, especially as internationally I already had an established name in my industry. It would be a bit like growing up being Name (Middle Name no one uses except for telling the kid off) Surname, and suddenly 20 years later someone decides to drop your first name and use your middle instead. The odd time it happens it's fine, but on a day to day basis I didn't like it.

If mine had been hyphenated, I'd use both I think. If my kids aren't born and raised in Spain, I'll give them both surnames separately on their Spanish documents, but will probably double-barrel on local documents, so for day to day use it's easier for people to get the 2 names. Hope all that rambling made sense

I didn't.

There's no legal, cultural or moral compunction to relinquish your own identity because you've chosen to commit to one partner for life. My family name is not on loan to me from my father, any more than my brother's is. It's mine.

@bluebluezoo and I respect that. It is your choice. I took a different choice. And we are both feminists. Isn’t that amazing.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I made it perfectly clear SOME people make excuses or rather convince themselves it was because they hated their name because they don't like to admit it's a very archaeic and sexist thing to do.

Key word - SOME so I you're not one of those women then there isn't an issue, is there?

Dh is my second husband. He was absolutely fine about my name, he told me it was up to me to chose to do. The reason I changed my surname to the same as dh was down to the fact that I did not want to keep my ex husbands name. My children asked me not to change my name when I got divorced and I did that for them (also professional reasons). In all honesty my eldest child had a row with her father and his new partner, I heard the way they spoke to her and decided there and then that I would not be keeping that name.
I also had no desire to go back to my maiden name due to personal reasons. In hind sight ( a marvellous thing), I wish I had double barrelled my surname when I married my first husband but it was a very long time ago and not the done thing then.