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If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

427 replies

OrIsTheWorldNuts · 24/01/2021 16:43

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits Grin

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

OP posts:
TheOpen · 24/01/2021 20:18

I hated my maiden name. I was bullied because of it and resented my dad for not taking my mum's lovely surname when they married. His pride inflicted misery on my brother and I. It wasn't character-building, my brother has a myriad of confidence related problems and I wince whenever I have to disclose my maiden name.

I'm in my 40s and have admiration for women who don't take their husbands name - however I do think each to their own.

OrIsTheWorldNuts · 24/01/2021 20:19

Interestingly, I see a lot of women here who mention their surnames were ugly, hard to spell, etc. I get that. What if your husband's surname was also ugly, hard to spell, etc? What would have happened then?

I mean, I'd like to know if anyone didn't take their husband's surname only because they think it was ugly or hard to spell, etc?

OP posts:
OrIsTheWorldNuts · 24/01/2021 20:25

@gluteustothemaximus

I chose to get rid of my family surname (horrible memories) - and DH has a crap surname I didn't want, and also I didn't want to be known as Mrs (his mum's surname).

So we chose one together. We all have the same surname, and I am still Miss.

I've just asked this question before seeing your post. Smile
OP posts:
MissJeanLouiseFinch · 24/01/2021 20:27

Is having 2 surnames (or “double-barrelling”) that bad? It seems to be so loathed as an option to give children on here. I didn’t change name, I never have wanted to, my birth name is my name and who I am. Can’t say I’m that bothered if people get it wrong though and assume I have my husbands name.

OrIsTheWorldNuts · 24/01/2021 20:29

I get, as some pp said, it's not your dad's name but your name. In that case, if you say your surname is your dad's name, then you're not taking your husband's name but his dad's name.

OP posts:
EileenGC · 24/01/2021 20:33

But why is it that so many women consider their surname to be their father's and hence disposable, when men almost universally consider their surname to be their own and kept for life.

This. If you have 2 children, do you tell little Oliver that his name is Oliver Smith, but to his sister you say 'darling, your name is Sophie and you also use daddy's name Smith'?

What the hell are we teaching our daughters with this attitude? That they have less of an identity than their brothers? That their surnames are their dads' and disposable, but their brothers can keep them forever and 'pass them on'?

Unless there are cultural reasons, who will honestly care if in 6 generations down the line X name isn't in the family anymore? We'll all be dead by then. After having continued this patriarchal system that only benefits men.

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 20:35

God the men really have done a number on us.
I would bet my house, that most men don’t mind if you keep your own name, but would feel very staunch about their children having your name.
So it’s simply easier for women to capitulate and make themselves believe it’s choice

Catty1720 · 24/01/2021 20:39

It makes it sound wrong for a women to be able say actually I like the tradition so I’m sticking with it!!

bluebluezoo · 24/01/2021 20:42

Interestingly, I see a lot of women here who mention their surnames were ugly, hard to spell, etc. I get that. What if your husband's surname was also ugly, hard to spell, etc? What would have happened then?

Funny isn’t it. i often wonder if their brothers find women with even uglier hard to spell names, then their brothers have to find women with even more difficult names..... where does it end.

I like my name, for several reasons people have said they hated theirs. It is hard to spell, it’s irish, but it’s mine and I don't want to change it.

Personally I think much of it is women are conditioned into knowing they will change their name one day, so don’t feel the same attachment or permanence men do. They know their name will always be the same so never imagine changing it...

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 20:42

@Catty1720
It’s not wrong. But just own it. And understand what the history means. I think if most people did. They wouldn’t own it half as much.

Blessex · 24/01/2021 20:45

I am a big feminist but took my husbands surname. He is a lovely man and I want both me and him to feel like I am his and his only. And by the way this is my second marriage so I know it is hypocritical as I changed my name both times but I find it romantic and nothing to do with women’s rights.

EileenGC · 24/01/2021 20:48

@MissJeanLouiseFinch

Is having 2 surnames (or “double-barrelling”) that bad? It seems to be so loathed as an option to give children on here. I didn’t change name, I never have wanted to, my birth name is my name and who I am. Can’t say I’m that bothered if people get it wrong though and assume I have my husbands name.
Well, I don't use my 2 surnames in the UK. Because people assume my first surname is my middle name, and then use my second as the surname. I'm not Name SN2. I'm either Name SN1 or Name SN1 SN2.

Everything in the UK, apart from my NI number and HMRC paperwork, I have done and applied to using only one surname. The UK is one of the most multi-cultural countries in the world, but people still don't understand other cultures do things differently. I've given up trying to explain it, I keep being called by my wrong surname, or people send emails to [email protected] which I will never receive. Just because they read my email signature and assume the last word is my surname. It is, just not the first one.

I'm in another European country now and I have no issues using both. The only 'problem' I've ever encountered is an airline deleting the space between names so instead of Name SN1 SN2 my ticket read Name SN1SN2. A non-issue as the agent could read my passport and see those were both my names. The airline actually sent me an email saying this is just how their system works and not to worry about it.

I only use one surname as my professional name. Very international industry so we all adapt to what the common rule is. I still use both when working in Spain as everyone gets it.

But everything paperwork-wise is done in my official name. With both my surnames, which indicate I'm the daughter of both my dad and my mum. I can't imagine having another identity or taking the name of someone who hasn't raised me. Like I said before, sometimes there are reasons why people change their names in adulthood (like a history of abuse) but marrying isn't one I understand.

BiBabbles · 24/01/2021 20:49

I had already planned to change my full name before I married. It had been my plan since I was about 8 or so. I spent a lot of time when I was bored at school writing out new names.

When I married, I was an 18-year-old immigrant who had concerns about being found by my birth family and worried about how it would look to the Home Office to be on a spousal visa to change my name in any way that might seem dodgy.

Replacing my birth surname with my spouse's was the easiest, safest option - though I do often joke when I see horrible surnames in credits that I'd have pushed for a change at the beginning even if I had to take the risk a bit longer rather than be Ms Cock for example. It's a fairly beige name so didn't have those concerns then.

By the time that was all done, I had ILR and we considered picking a new name together when I went to change the rest of my name, my BIL was terminally ill and had feelings on 'losing' the family name - we didn't want to cause unneeded stress at a difficult time.

By the end of that, we'd lost so many people in just a few years, it's only ours now, at least of those we know. All the names we'd considered while waiting were up our maternal lines, but there didn't seem much point. I had the feeling that my current surname is just as much mine as everyone other names I've chosen to take on, we'd already made something new all those years, I didn't need a new name for that at this point.

Around that time is when I learned that as much fun as it can be to discuss theory, fitting the complexities of an individual life into an ideological structure is too often just a stick to people with and rarely looks at the structures that incentivize those choices. The original reason was fitting into a social norm for fear of the government throwing back to another government that had failed for years to protect me from those in the community who had power over me. Keeping the name my parents gave me and giving that to my children wouldn't have fixed anything.

tootsytoo · 24/01/2021 20:51

I agree OP and it's the reason I didn't change my name. Bollocks to that.

Each to their own but I don't understand why by default of being female I have to change my name.

I also find it odd so many women make excuses for doing it instead of just owning it and saying they changed because they wanted to which is equally fine.

But saying they did it because they hate their name, I'm sure there are men that hate their name but still to the tradition of keeping it!

TawnyPippit · 24/01/2021 20:52

I have been married for 25 years and have never used DH’s name.

The thing that always boggles me is the “we need to have a single family brand” reason. I have asked before and will ask again why people think this is important? Because - non goady - I genuinely dont get it. My DC are just leaving education and having been all through a variety of school situations literally no one -teachers, fellow students, whatever - threw us any shade for having different surnames in the family. My Dc could honetstly not be less bothered. They have about a zillion non-existent things they like to complain/whinge about, but me having a different surname has literally never crossed their radar, they just think it is a fact.

vinoandbrie · 24/01/2021 20:52

Because my father was awful, so I certainly didn’t want to keep his!

TriflePudding · 24/01/2021 20:56

But it’s not as simple as framing it as a feminist/anti feminist choice because our choices aren’t made in a vacuum- it’s our society’s tradition that women take their husbands surname, it’s a tradition that’s very much rooted in patriarchy we know that, but as we don’t currently have a suitable ‘universal alternative’ then there isn’t really a solution yet.

OrIsTheWorldNuts · 24/01/2021 20:57

I am a big feminist but took my husbands surname. He is a lovely man and I want both me and him to feel like I am his and his only.

Do you think he's not yours since he doesn't have your name? Does being someone else's only go one way?

OP posts:
crabette · 24/01/2021 21:06

@ButwhereisMYcoffee I get that. In the same way that keeping my own name is essentially keeping my fathers name 🤷🏻‍♀️ To me there isn't an easy answer in terms of sticking it to the patriarchy!

When I talk about history I'm not talking about the history of feminism and patriarchy - in real terms, I'm talking about family history, family names, family naming traditions. I subscribe to forename family naming traditions, why wouldn't I to surname too?

I'm not trying to argue, I genuinely am undecided of what to do and don't judge anyone for either choice. Just trying to give my own perspective, as the OP requested.

Ohalrightthen · 24/01/2021 21:07

@Pollypocket89

Because I want to. Surely the most 'feminist' answer, no?
This. Because I like his name more than mine.
SenorFrog · 24/01/2021 21:08

I have the same surname as my dh, I took his name. It's now my name, just like my name pre marriage was my name and not just my fathers, gives me the rage when feminists say my name isn't mine, fuck off with that. Were I to have my time again I'd keep my pre marriage name, I was 37 when I got married and I really miss my old name, when I get round to it I'm adding old surname as a second middle name. My ds who is 19 said he'd like that too. I've told my dd she can have whatever surname she wants when/if she gets married, we are both feminists, my name choices years ago don't negate that.

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 21:09

When will people realise that most of the choices they make are not really made of free will.

MeMarmiteYouJam · 24/01/2021 21:13

@Narniacalling

When will people realise that most of the choices they make are not really made of free will.
Well, this is true. Our array of supposed choices are bound by the limits of convention, law, expectation, family culture, societal culture, etc. To push against all of these, in every area of one's life, is probably impossible.
lachy · 24/01/2021 21:14

Because I wanted to.

I can be a feminist and make my own choices. I chose to change my surname.

Blessex · 24/01/2021 21:14

I really struggle to see what this has to do with feminism. It is a name. I did it to make it feel romantically as if we are together. I love the fact we share a name. It’s a damn name. It has nothing to do with who I am inside or the fact I am a passionate feminist. I adore my husband. I am a romantic. I want to share names. Nothing to do with how I wish to be treated as a woman.