Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

Those asking where in Devon, I don’t want to be too precise but a small town in the South Hams. On mainline trainline to London in 3 hours.

Your daughter is anxious, so you want to uproot her from her life in the middle of her gcse course - possibly force her to repeat year 10 - all to ease your own (somewhat irrational) anxieties?

Seriously?

Some children are resilient. Many are not.

It's crass and ignorant to suggest you can or should subject a child to any degree of difficulty or suffering and it will all be fine. It's simply not true.

"I'm bigger than you so I have the power to fuck your life up if I want" is the rationale of an abusive bully not a responsible parent.

From your update it sounds like a new school would be good for her anyway although it’s not often possible to get out of the correct year group age. If a private school is an option for you then they would be more likely to facilitate it. I think it’s perfectly fine for the parents to make a decision about what is in the best interests of the whole family. I don’t think your 14 year old should have the right to veto something which would be good for her and the rest of the family because teenagers aren’t known for their rational decision making.

My DF had an opportunity to do this when I was a teen. 2 DSibs mostly away in boarding school. 2 DSibs about to go to Uni. But 2 DSibs still in secondary school locally.

Of the 6 DCs- 2 didn't care, 3 quite excited at the thought of being based in the city (were rural), but Daddy's Little Darling (not youngest, just his Favourite) had a hissy fit and a half at leaving her school and moving. So she mounted a campaign against it.

I don't know if cost of housing and issues with extended family and the change of job itself also had an impact. I know DLD definitely tends to get her own way a lot. But the end result was that they never moved. And still live rurally in their 70s, where they need to drive everywhere, even for a bottle of milk.

I have a 14 year old and live in London. I plan to move "home" once she is settled in uni/apprenticeship/job because she has her friends and support systems here, and she goes to a very good school. I wouldn't want to disrupt that.

@Hamnet

Those saying teen life in Devon would be miserable. I spent my teen years in the town we are considering. It was great. Most of my friends in walking distance, lots of house parties etc. In London non of DDs close friends are in walking distance, all a tube ride away and I’m much less likely to let her ride a tube at night than walk down a local high street.

So you'd be moving to a town?

You said 'countryside' in your OP.

Bit of a difference there ... which has meant most of the replies that posters have taken the time to write are largely irrelevant.

Your driving force in all of this seems to be coronavirus and the impact it will have.

But you don’t know what the effects on this will be on anywhere - london is no more going to be in tiers for years to come then anywhere else (indeed London is sadly often the driving force for lockdowns and comes out before anywhere else) or the effect it could be on other places. I’m sure hanging out on the beach with friends is a big part of Devon that will be affected the same

Anxiety and fear are not good reasons to push a move

And holding a bright child who puts pressure on herself back a year trust me as that August born child the worst idea ever

Which part of Devon are you looking at?

Like some other posters I am not impressed with the comments about schools not being as good as those in London etc. It’s 2 1/2 hours on the train from Exeter to London so not completely the arse end of nowhere

Years ago I worked with someone from Wales. He & his wife decided to move back there from London (think she was also Welsh). Their son was absolutely miserable so they ended up moving back to London fairly quickly. But by then house prices had gone up by a huge amount....

I think country living suits some people but not everyone. As an adult (who grew up in a fairly rural area) I know it’s not for me. I honestly don’t think it would be fair on a teenager (and if you are worried about safety, check out the rates of drug abuse in rural areas where there is nothing for young people to do). But if you do go ahead, rent for a year before making it final.

I think it's a really bad time to move, personally. Teens need their friends around them while they negotiate everything that comes with that age, exams etc, not to mention the pandemic. If it was a house I'd always wanted, I'd buy it and rent it out. After spending a few holidays there (possibly in a different house if it's rented out) your teens might come to live it and want to move there at a later date.

I had to move several times at that age, at 12/14/16, not even within my own country, across another countries due to my parent's work. It was hard at the time, but didn't damage me at all. I was quite motivated, so my education didn't suffer either.

OK, I think this move really does involve a level of fantasy thinking.

You're wishing away problems.

It's highly unlikely your daughter can start in Yesr 10.

You haven't even checked which schools have vacancies yet.

You're wishing away your daughter's evident preference for academic achievement (however much it makes her anxious).

You're dreaming that this move will magically get rid of problems you already find hard to cope with. God knows how you'll cope with the issues the move will throw up!!

You're dreaming your daughter will magically turn into your rose-tinted memories of yourself - trust me on this one : she won't.

I reckon the real issue here is that you are anxious - about your future, about your daughter - and this is your magical solution.

Trust me, it won't be. If only because you're contemplating it for wish-based, not reality-based reasons.

If your solution to real-world problems is to invest heavily in wishes, you are unlikely to face the real-world challenges of a move like this in any meaningful or successful way.

Yes, people do manage changes like this. But the successful ones usually sit down, with a hard-headed idea of challenges, and work out serious solutions. Then put a ton of effort into meeting them.

I probably should add that 5 of the 6 DCs, as adults, have lived/are living abroad, and the last lives in the city that the move was available to. But 2 have come back and now live relatively local to DPs (in a large town though, not in the countryside). (But all the DGCs are either abroad or at least 90 minutes drive away).

I think you've had a slightly rough ride here op

Only you know your family and if you and your OH are sure that your whole famiy will benefit from the move you will both have to help your 14 year old child come to terms with it.

Look at schools together, find schools that will offer the same subjects. Contact them and ask the pastoral team to talk with your daughter.

I agree that I would absolutely get out of dodge if I lived in a major city right now. However I rurally (cumbria) my high school age child has access to a school offering multiple languages, all the arts, food tech and more as GCSE subjects and also 7 BTEC courses in place of standard GCSE courses of a child is a more practical learner. It also has a sixth form and our two local colleges have some of the highest pass rates in the country. Our Uni is in the top ten for the country.

Rural isn't the end of a child's education and to say so is pretty silly or ignorant.

No, I wouldn't do this. I get that it's frustrating - I have missed out on a dream job for similar reasons, but happiness is fragile in the teenage years, and I'm not willing to risk rocking that boat.

Move next summer? If your house sells, of course - unless you're financially secure enough to rent in Devon first and get your DCs into school there for Sept 2022.

Your later posts sound like you've made up your mind to go.
I wouldn't do it for one major reason. If your DD ultimately settles (post uni or whatever) in London which is very possible if she has moved reluctantly at 14/15, will you regret having moved to quite a remote county for the big house? It's very different if a child grows up there and wants to stay in the general area.
I also think 14/15 is a hard year to make friends because it's past the age you can swap friends regularly as you find your crowd. Her village crowd could be wrong 'uns who will in pubs or doing drugs or they could be lifelong friends. It's a gamble in a small pool you join aged 15. I'd go if she was 11/12 with no hesitation.

I live in beautiful countryside and id say definitely no. Retire there.

Also, if she's doing any subjects that depend on coursework which is completed throughout the course (not all subjects are based entirely on terminal assessments) then the chances of her being able to continue that same qualification in another school are slim. If her subjects are all terminal assessments then that's less of a problem.

No, it’s a terrible idea to move the poor girl on a whim in the middle of her GCSEs away from all her friends.

School that offer the same subjects is only half the issue, by the way.

It's finding a school with the same subjects, that has followed exactly the same syllabus, that is an issue.

And I think it's highly unlikely she can start in Year 10.

Partly for pastoral reasons. Your daughter would have to be a fuck ton of resilient to cope with being in a class of children shd perceives to be a year younger than herself.

I really doubt that is the fast-route to establishing her with a great friendship network.

Of course you can move, it's your choice not your daughter's at that age. How do you think families manage who have no choice but move with their jobs to where their next placement is? Children have to go too.

If there's a real problem with GCSEs she could possibly board with a family member in London? But I realise that may not be possible. Get her help with the planning, choosing rooms, decorating, visiting new schools....we had to do this with our two at similar ages, they survived and weren't in the slightest traumatised by it.

I think people who have called you cruel etc here are ridiculously ott, my dh moved at that age from big city to country and they all thrived. Kids will hugely react to something if it's put in a certain way to them, so if offered tentatively of course they'll jump. Saying that you know your daughter and if you think it will damage her then you do secretly know that and have to decide. I also think rural living can be much better for teenagers

IF shes broght and halway through GCSE then it makes no sesne to push her back a year (assuming the schools accept that most wont) is there even space in teh schools? have a look at in year admissions on teh council website...
I really think its teh wrong time to move someone - after gcse -yes ... not great but starting 6th form is more 'usual' and will be easier for her to join...
None of your reasons for moving benefit her particlarly or directory - quite naturally the teen brain is ego orientated so will be wahts in it for me?
Its all about you and the picture you have of life at the moment - maube you should get some help with catastrophising.? If this had always been your plan you would have done it pre-gcse surely- I think you have serious rose tinted glasses/grass is greener going on

if her school is too pushy and its affecting her then you should address that....not running away to the country and having her isolated - that will not sort out her anxiety .....

I too miss my/our family london /city life no restaurants/theatres/galleries etc so do lots of people...but I do think it will be back at some stage .... we will possibly move out of london once dc have done a levels as think they need the stability of friendhsips/schools during these harder times even more

Well this is a very London centric thread isn't it!

If you are moving to a town rather than middle of nowhere then I think it could work, even with her reluctance. How far by train is it to London?