Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

[dairydairy]

@Hamnet

I think my stance is also influenced by the fact I was moved a long distance against my will at 16 and was furious but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me. Obviously I can’t guarantee the same for my DD but I’m sure that’s a factor in my considering this.

My experience is the opposite, we moved long distance when I was 15 to a small village with one bus a day to the nearest town which was useless as the one return bus was the same bus 15 minutes later.

[MrsBennettsSecretSon]

You’d have to be able to sell it to her, or it’s off. So need lots of research. The house is only part of it. It’ll be a new life

I would not move my 15 and 18 yr old now

[ThelmaNotLouise]

I disagree about London being in lockdown/tiers for years to come. I think people may continue to work from home and that will dilute how buzzy the centre usually is, but I think you're projecting London's demise as an excuse to make this move. Like PP, I think it's the worst time schooling-wise to move your teenager and she deserves to have her feelings taken into account.

[OrangeSamphire]

Could you suggest viewing the house together as a family (online with the estate agent doing a live tour I suppose) and then discuss it again?

I really think the whole family needs to be on the same page to make a move like this, especially during the times we are in where as individuals we have less control over our lives than ever. Everyone needs to feel a bit in control.

Devon is full of opportunity. But you all need to be in it together.

[AbbeyBelfast]

I was moved at 14, I was livid!

But it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I often now thank my parents some 15 odd years later! Get her a tutor to help catch up, make sure she's going to a good school and you'll be fine. Don't miss out on your dreams and don't listen to the constant negativity on here, it's shocking how many think you need to martyr yourself and suffer for your kids benefit! It's nonsense, your dd will be fine and will thank you in the long run. And do it now before you're stuck there another 11 years!

[Hamnet]

Those saying teen life in Devon would be miserable. I spent my teen years in the town we are considering. It was great. Most of my friends in walking distance, lots of house parties etc. In London non of DDs close friends are in walking distance, all a tube ride away and I’m much less likely to let her ride a tube at night than walk down a local high street.

[RealisticSketch]

I don't think op sounds entitled and selfish, she's allowed a pov and her own desires and is also considering her daughter's. Trying to get a handle on the things to consider over a big decision where conflicts of interest exist is a valid thing to do.
Ultimately I think it's a gamble, it could be the making of the DD or it could blow up in your face for a long time. Suppose DD sees that her social life is all virtual anyway currently and you have a plan for regular trips to see her friends when allowed and making new ones where she is, the transition could help her mh if she builds a new life successfully, perhaps a great new school and sometimes it's rising to a challenge you thought was impossible which gives you a confidence you didn't know you could have. Perhaps stops some of the teen naval gazing which can drag your MH down (I speak from personal experience but this might not apply to your dd). Maybe her friendship dynamics perpetuate her problems (obviously I don't know, just speculating a possibility), I know at that age I had some friendships I would have clung to for dear life but actually were doing me no favours.
Or she could be so resistant and resentful that she sabotages every attempt to make a success of the love and you all end up miserable. She might meet wonderful new people, or be a pariah... Would the local community see a big shot from London buying a dream home as needing taking down a peg or two, would she be slated for her accent, or enjoy some novelty factor? These are all things beyond your control or ability to predict,I imagine, so I guess it boils down to whether you are willing to take a gamble.
Sorry if a bit waffly. Just some off the cuff thoughts.

[thecatfromjapan]

Well, if you did it at her age (though I think post-GCSE is a very different kettle of fish), you'll know how to support your daughter through this.

It'll be hard - you'll be giving a lot of emotional support, facilitating building friendship groups, and probably paying for tuition - but it sounds like you're up for it.

I'll just repeat the point that she is extremely - as in, she won't - find a school that can offer the same GCSEs she's studying and has covered the same parts of the syllabus.

It's usually hard - but right now it's not possible.

You're going to have to get involved in your daughter's education to a greater extent than previously. And, if you don't, your daughter will have some grounds for thinking her future was sacrificed fir your dream of living in your childhood fantasy home.

That can be really damaging for your relationship over the long term.

All of this can be dealt with, but you have to acknowledge it in order to put the work in to ensure it goes well.

[Hamnet]

@RealisticSketch I think the part of Devon we are considering is very used to out of towners so hopefully wouldn’t try and take DD down just for being a Londoner. But I know what you mean and it’s worth me testing with friends from my school days who still live in the same town and have similar aged kids.

[Itsjusttoohard]

Quite apart from your daughter's objections, this isn't the time to move a family more rurally. I often hankered after the country life when DC were small and I expect their early childhood would have benefited from it, but as teens they have so many more opportunities and so much more independence than they could have rurally and we're in a fairly small ordinary town, they're not used to London. They can cycle on safe cycle paths to almost anywhere or if not get the bus. So many more options for interests and social stuff and work.

Does she have career plans? How would they work in Devon? Devon is such a long way from anywhere, if she moves away to work/study it's not even easy weekend trip home territory. You'll be lucky if she visits a couple of times a year. How does that sit with you?

[ScarfAndGlassesgirl]

Sorry not read the full thread

My parents did I was 16 but my sibling was 12

We moved Around 300miles for context

I settled into sixth form brilliantly and made loads of life long friends and my life is honestly so much better than it would have been in home town

My sibling struggled. Was picked on as had a different accent. Never fit into the "culture" here and now as an adult feels like a nomad home wise but more recently settled in Italy and seems to be happier there- sibling doesnt feel at home anywhere i would say and although academically did really well socially struggled.

Kids are resilient and do cope. It was a huge wretch to me initially and right on the cusp of a-levels but it worked

Its your life too!

[TheVanguardSix]

No. No way. This would be a terrible time to move your teen. A move like this is done only when absolutely necessary, not on a whim, OP.

[Lucieintheskye]

I moved aged 15, just before GCSEs. In the grand scheme of things, some exams and moving to a new school is nothing and she will adapt. Teens, especially now, are so much more resilient than we think and she's going to kick up a fuss because she's nervous but she will be fine. In 2 years she'll likely be going to a different college/school anyway. If you don't go now you'll keep finding reasons not to move and Level 3 qualifications/uni is much more difficult than GCSE's.

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Not in a million years, sorry. I would have been beyond heart broken at that age, friendships and relationships are so over the top and feel like all that matters in the world at the time. My oldest is 11 and I wouldnt consider moving her even, I think maybe 5-6 would be my absolute limit. My stepdaughter has moved from town to town a lot with her mum going back and forth between relationships and it has really affected her - she has no friends and never really has. Her self esteem is rock bottom and she refers to my DD (who she sees once a month if that) as her only friend. I know that's extreme but it has brought home to me how important consistency and stability is for kids to form their sense of self and their place in society outside of the family unit.

If you could afford to, buy it and rent it out with a view to retire there. But moving a 14year old would be absolutely out of the question for me.

[Hamnet]

I’m also wondering whether DD could start year 10 again in Sept. She is a late August baby anyway so she wouldn’t be too out of place age wise.

Her current school is very pushy and high achieving. The stress to get amazing grades has caused her serious anxiety. She is very bright and doing well but she puts enormous pressure on herself so maybe a reset could be good for her. Although she doesn’t accept this.

[RealisticSketch]

@Seasaltyhair

You will not ruin your daughters life by moving to a better area/house. Children are very resilient. They have access to Skype, FaceTime, trains, public transport ect..

Your dd will be going uni or leaving home in a few years leaving you behind in a area you don’t want to be in and missing the chance of a house you’ve always wanted and would love to spend the rest of your days in - she’s got her whole life in front of her.

I really don’t get this ‘you must sacrifice your happiness for your children’ vibe on MN. Your not moving to a god awful place - it’s Devon and it’s bloody beautiful and a much better way of life.

My friend is moving to Devon next week from the NW for the exact same reasons as you. I’m very jealous.

Make the most out of your life, she will benefit from it too. You shouldn’t let a 14 year old dictate whole family decisions.

I'd be leaning to this pov myself. I think good things often come from tough times and that's not a bad thing there are loads of things you can do to help her make the change. .

[boymum9]

When I was a teen, and my siblings my parents wanted to move from west London to Cornwall, we all protested and it was a nightmare, we didn't want to go and leave friends and school but they wanted to go. They bought a house there and then changed their minds and we stayed. When we'd all left home but my youngest sibling was still home (going into year 10) they decided to move. For them it was the best decision they ever made, youngest sibling was never really settled into school so was happy to move, he loves it there, they've been there 6 years now and all my other siblings have moved there to be close, my brother loves living there so much, he's made a great life for himself and a successful business at a young age.

[merrymouse]

I love the house but it’s more about getting out of London which is not a great place to live when gatherings are banned which I fear they will be for a long time to come.

If gatherings are really banned after everyone has been vaccinated, it will affect the whole country, not just London.

You can move a teenage child (although they might not like it), but moving a child half way through a 2 year exam course will harm their education, more than likely in a way that will have a long term effect. Sometimes that is unavoidable, but that is not the case here.

Unless you have lots of children born close together, you will not have to wait 11 years to avoid doing this.

The countryside is not full of freedom, and I say that as somebody who lives there. It is great if you like doing some activities, but public transport is expensive and limiting and work opportunities are fewer.

[EssentiallyDelighted]

The thing is, nowhere is great to live while gatherings are banned. I live in a medium sized market town and none of us are currently able to do any of our usual hobbies and activities except by zoom or by ourselves, can't go to the nearest big town for any justifiable reason, bored stiff of all the local walks. Moving after GCSEs is a bit different as many teens move for 6th form / college then anyway. If you wait another year will you have a window after her GCSEs and before your next DC goes into y10?

[Sittinbythetree]

It’s hard to say without knowing where in Devon, suburbs of Exeter vs middle of nowhere? I think moving now would be very traumatic for your daughter. Could you not buy the house and let it out or rent a flat in London and go there for weekends. I think you need to compromise and avoid burning bridges.

[turtledovelove]

My parents did exactly this when I was 18 and my sister was 16. So slightly different circumstances & ages to your DD.

I stayed up in London and moved in with my boyfriend at the time. Whilst my sister had no choice but to move to Devon with my parents which she couldn't forgive them for at the time. She was heartbroken. She had to leave her very best friends behind and life as she knew it.

I will say though that she quickly adapted to life and met new friends. Started college and got a little job which she loved.

Fast forward to now, some 20+ years later and we all live down here with our children etc. Lots of people seem to gravitate towards this neck of the woods

To some extent I agree with others who have said 14 is a tricky age to move. I have a 13 year old and I'm not sure how I'd feel about re locating. Then again people must do it all the time.

[TheVanguardSix]

My sibling struggled. Was picked on as had a different accent. Never fit into the "culture" here and now as an adult feels like a nomad home wise but more recently settled in Italy and seems to be happier there- sibling doesnt feel at home anywhere i would say and although academically did really well socially struggled.

That was me. My parents sold our home when I was in my late teens. I'd just left home myself, came home one Christmas to find the house was on the market and viewers were coming in and out. It was awful. So abrupt. I've been a nomad since. Ironically, I too moved to Italy and to France. I felt more at home in those countries than I have anywhere else. When I'm in France, it's like the whole of me comes together and snaps into place. I can't understand why, but that's just the way it is. When I moved back to the UK, I never stopped missing France.

I'd just wait out the move until she's either done with secondary and going into sixth form or until she's off to uni. And give her lots of warning! My parents literally sold the house without telling me until it was too late. It really screwed with me, that did.

[TheVanguardSix]

Her current school is very pushy and high achieving. The stress to get amazing grades has caused her serious anxiety. She is very bright and doing well but she puts enormous pressure on herself so maybe a reset could be good for her. Although she doesn’t accept this.

Are you sure you're not projecting, OP? Maybe she's a high achiever and can handle it. Maybe... she's happy with the status quo. It's very hard. Believe me. I have my own 'other life' that I'd like to make happen, but to do so would have such an enormous impact on my kids that it's not even worth contemplating at present. I know, its our life too but we are also mature enough and adult enough to realise that waiting can be the wiser option in certain circumstances.

[SpiderGwen]

I’d make the move.

My parents did. It was bumpy for a bit but turned out really well in the longer term. You don’t want to be stuck somewhere you don’t want to live for the next 11 years.

[Avaganda]

I wouldn't move a child that age across the country. I am from London but have lived in Devon for 3 years. It is absolutely beautiful here and my children love it but they are all primary age. To be honest there isn't much here for a teenager or young adult. Jobs are scarce and unless your teen enjoys wandering around a muddy field they are going to be incredibly bored!