Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee I lived there from 0-16 and have been back every year of my life since. I still have many friends from school who never left and who I talk to regularly. I’m not some Londonder with no idea of what Devon life is like.

@Hamnet - are you expecting your dd to be able to make new friends on your fantasy socially distanced walks on Dartmoor?

Also SAGE themselves have said with its ruins etc it may well be that tiers remain for quite some time. I’m not unrealistic to assume normal life will not resume for a year or two. I’m also not unrealistic to assume Devon will often be in lower tiers as it was throughout the tier system.

I agree there's a world of difference between a child who's grown up "in the country" whose family have social networks and who has life long school friends there, being happy and someone being uprooted from London at a crucial time.

If you are seriously thinking of going please do make sure you are very well educated on County Lines. Not something your peers would have had to contend with, but I'm afraid a child who is unhappily uprooted, without a friendship group and possibly distant from her parents is exactly the child they target.

@Walkaround no. But she can’t see her London friends at the moment either. Also I do have friends in that part of Devon with kids her age so we have possible openings into friendships but I appreciate they may not click.

I'm going to go against the grain - I'd probably do it. After lockdown, I'd go to the area together, view the house (bet she'd have a better bedroom), view the school and local amenities etc. Also the bars/restaurants.

But then, I am anti-London generally. My Mum was a Londoner (altho I grew up in Midlands), so I spent a lot of time visiting family there, and I also I lived there myself in my 20's. I have now lived in 5 different towns in the UK, and by comparison London comes out bottom : it's too busy, too much crime, dirty, and homes are massively over priced.

I'm now in a seaside town which is beautiful, in a big house that would cost x10 in London. If I was in London, I'd be in a dingy 1 bed flat.

We actually moved towns when my DD was 14 and my DS was 15. Not quite the same situation, as it was 30 minutes away, so I kept the kids in their school and just did a long school run for 3 years. Much like you, it was because our dream home on the seafront came up for sale, and we knew we would never get that opportunity to get that house again.

Anyway, yeah, I'd hightail it down there when restrictions are lifted.

I would look at finding a way of doing it. Get the home report etc on the house. Get your current house valued. Look at what you can afford. Could you buy the house and also buy a small flat in London? Or if not, buy the house and rent in London, once lockdown ends spend more time in Devon, there will be all the school holidays. Could you buy the house and let it as a holiday home until you can move there full time

Yes you know Devon, your London teen certainly doesn’t. That’s my point
Career opportunities and study for a teen are markedly different in Devon
Evidently something compelled you to leave Devon, what was that. Why did you stay away in london? If it’s that great why did you leave

I’m not some Londonder with no idea of what Devon life is like.

Perhaps not, but your DD is a Londoner.

You could have gone back at any time before now as an adult. I'm guessing that your reasons for not doing so were related to education or job opportunities. Have you honestly assessed the impact on not only your daughter's schooling but also her young adulthood?

I’m wondering why you moved from Devon to London to begin with? Was that about job opportunities? I grew up in a small town in a rural area. I was quite into horses and dogs etc so spent my early teenage years knocking about on farms and riding. I started to get ants in my pants about my social life about 15 and by 18 was less enthralled with the limitations of my town. There was quite a lot of waiting around for buses in that time and being a bit bored with the limited attractions of the town. I imagine if you’re not horsey, outdoorsy then it was even more limiting. How will all the children cope with the move? Are they all very urban? Do they hang out a lot with their friends getting Bao buns and bubble tea. You mention the Tate & China Town which is not necessarily attractions that can be found outside big cities. If they’re outdoorsy then that will obviously be a great deal easier than transplanting 100% urbanites.

I moved house aged 13, I would never in a million years do the same thing to my children. I am not going to share all the details but it had a major impact on my mental health, education, life chances, grooming, you name it. I understand why my parents did it, but it was the wrong age to move a child.

No I wouldnt. That ship has sailed. If you were going to move far away, you should have done it when the children were younger. As it is, you should now wait till at least post 18

Btw I do see the attraction and esp of it’s a house you’ve always loved and imagined yourself living there
However I think it needs careful thinking.

I think what you really want is a holiday and for London to be back to normal.

That aside, I wouldn’t move if I was already worried about my teen DD’s mental health, unless I had no other choice.

For those asking why I moved. As I said earlier in the thread I was forced to leave Devon aged 16 when one my parents moved me to pursue a relationship on the otherwise of the world. I really hated the thought of that move but it turned out to me amazing. I then moved to London on my return to the UK aged 21 because that’s where my other parent then lived. I did indeed stay for job opportunities. I’d fully expect all my children to consider living in a city in their 20s if the pandemic allows for a return to that kind of life.

Absolutely would not, mainly because of the friendships that the kids would never be able to replicate.

When my mum inherited her mum's like for like house in Cornwall, my parents talked about selling ours and moving there but as a teenager, l remember freaking out and saying no way. They never did and as much as l love Cornwall, l am glad they didn't uproot me and make me go. Not saying l got the final say, there were other factors but l know l would have been miserable.

My parents did this because of my Dad’s job. We moved from a London suburb to a rural village when I was 14; I struggled to adapt to the culture change and it was a very lonely time for me. I’m quite academic and the only local school wasn’t a good fit - I didn’t really make friends. It got easier when I started sixth form in the city, but that meant daily bus journeys and a lot of taxiing for my mum. I moved back to London for university and I’m still there 20 years later. My sister was 11 at the time and she adapted better, but tbh I feel moving at that age was very tough; in your position I’d be inclined to wait - your kids will be moved out in a few years and there will be another house.

I'd do it, OP.

My parents moved around lots when I was younger - yes it pissed me off and was unsettling for short periods of time, but they always did it with the best of intentions and we settled quickly. Kids will make friends easily and quickly, and life in London sounds bloody horrific to someone born and bred in the countryside.

The beloved friends that she doesn't want to leave could be old news in a few months time - and I'm amazed that so many on here would let their children dictate a family decision that ultimately will give them a better quality of life.

Devon is a beautiful county - it's not the fucking outer Hebrides We brought our 3 DC up in a small rural hamlet and have never regretted it for a second. We lived in a small city for a few years and I hated every moment - the pollution, the noise, the volume of traffic and people. We've never been so grateful for country living in the last year.

I had friends who grew up in Devon, and whilst they were all lovely people, until you can drive it's hellish. You will be her chauffeur for years even if she can make friends, which will be so hard for her, especially with the pandemic. I'm not sure why you're so confident that London is doomed forever but aren't considering that if that's the case, and it's all that gloomy, in-person schooling may not be possible for a long time. And then how on earth is she supposed to make friends?

My London friends have been walking around the city during lockdown, not round and round a park- they all say that seeing it more empty has been amazing.
You sound completely fed up, but everyone feels this. I live rurally and would like to be walking around a quiet London ..
We have been house hunting and last year a house I loved came up for sale, it had everything we want, even the price was just about what we could afford, but it was in the next county and would have meant a school move for my dc. I have one in year 12 and one in year 9 and I absolutely would not move them now. They have friends from Primary school, they know their teachers and love their school. I moved several times as a younger child (a parent’s work, unavoidable) and I hated it each time, it was a horrible wrench to leave friends. It is hard fitting in at a new school and takes time, starting a new school in year 7 is probably the best time, in year ten it could be a disaster.
In the situations you describe, rural towns could be as affected as London anyway, and may get hit more by recession. I think a decision to move should be for reasons other than panic.
What is your daughter saying, and your other children ? What are her reasons for not wanting to move ?

Drugs are a massive issue in rural towns and communities. Heroin remains a big problem in the crappy Midlands town where I grew up. Also racism, right wing attitudes, insular thinking. It would be a massive culture shock. You're coming at this very reactively, the coastal walks won't cut it for her. The things you enjoy about a city will return and when you're stuck eating sub standard food at the one and only pub with limited company you'll begin to miss them. I've romanticised about a move to the peak District from the city I live in because of the current situation but it's purely based on a reaction to the current situation.

Not at that age sorry, should have done it a few years ago, otherwise wait until kids are through school.

A friend of mine joined our school in rural North Wales at aged 14 having moved there from London (it was her dad's place of birth and where he was brought up).
She made friends and everything ok, I wouldn't say she disliked her time there.
However after GCSEs she moved back to London to live with a family friend and go to college. She still lives in London now.
How would you feel if your DD did something like that? Could that work for you?

life in London sounds bloody horrific to someone born and bred in the countryside.

Perhaps, but as OP’s DD is a born-and-bred Londoner I think you can safely assume that the opposite is equally true.