Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

I think it sounds like a great opportunity, I’m genuinely surprised that the majority of people think otherwise.

I'm assuming you don't have children in year 10 or who have recently taken GCSEs @Lesserspottedmama? Unless the daughter can do year 10 again moving in the middle of her GCSE years is the worst possible thing she could do. Different schools cover topics in different order, different schools use different exam boards, and for subjects like geography or history different schools might cover completely different topics within the same exam board. So she could potentially sit some GCSE exams having covered very little work. How is that a good idea?

Goodness me, the proposed move is to Devon ...not the moon! Devon does have electric lights and even cars!

Very 'London centric' answers here. Are you all worried that people are seeing the benefits of living elsewhere in the Uk and will leave town, worried your property prices may fall as we all choose other options.

Make the move, many teenagers do. Think of the teenagers in the families of the armed forces, they just get on with it.

Are you all worried that people are seeing the benefits of living elsewhere in the Uk and will leave town, worried your property prices may fall as we all choose other options.

Yeah.. no

ancientgran if you read the thread you'll see that my advice is to move and find a school where the DD can start Y10 again this Sept or to leave the move until the summer of 2022 for her to start in Y12.

Could you arrange for the whole family to visit the proposed new area, including the house and prospective school, and then have a family conference where everyone gives their views? That's what I would do - and if, at that point, one of my teenagers (16 and 18) vehemently opposed the move, then we wouldn't move. Uprooting a teenager isn't trivial, especially during GCSE years, and if it's against their will it would be disastrous.

Obviously this is all further complicated by Covid.

Unless she is currently going to a private school where she can switch from day to boarding, I wouldn’t do it.

BraebunPlace
Very 'London centric' answers here. Are you all worried that people are seeing the benefits of living elsewhere in the Uk and will leave town, worried your property prices may fall as we all choose other options

Can you explain why concerns about moving a child in the middle of their GCSE course is ‘LondonCentric’?

Do parents elsewhere in the country not give a fuck about education?

Very 'London centric' answers here. Are you all worried that people are seeing the benefits of living elsewhere in the Uk and will leave town, worried your property prices may fall as we all choose other options.
How on earth can you conclude that?
People disagree with uprooting a child during their GCSEs when it's totally avoidable and you conclude we're all London-centric and worried about our house prices crashing.

You couldn't pay me to live in London. I'm an adult who is reflecting on my experiences of being needlessly uprooted and having had those experiences would caution against it during key times in a child's life.

Funnily you mention forces children. Some of my friends were forces children. They did get on with it, but now as adults they don't have a strong sense of home and tended to have lots of short term friendships. None of them have wanted that lifestyle for their children.

Well people love the opportunity to bash London around here...it’s what counts as sport. Maybe since they banned fox hunting

So, move to Devon and get your dream house

But what does your daughter get out of it?

these attacks on OP are appalling

IMO this shouldn't be London vs Devon. It should be about the interruption of the DD's education during her GCSE years.

The only options are to stay at her current school until after her GCSEs or to see if there is a school in Devon where she can start in year 10 again (which I understand is not usually possible in state education). The OP stated in a later post that her children are privately educated so this might be easier to do so.

I would pursue the education option before considering a move.

I would be quite happy to live in Devon BTW

Sorry, but no. I wouldn't. When kids are off to Uni/work/abroad yeah maybe. But taking a 14 yr old away from her friends and school at the best of times is really hard for them. And these are far from the best of times.

I know. It's shit, when you can see an option that you'd love. But they're still kids. And being a kid, a teenager, in 2021 is fu%king hard enough already.

I would do it. Contrary to popular mumsnet opinion London is not the centre of the universe. Nor is it the route to all success and happiness
My parents moved when I was this age and I did not have a say nor did I believe I did. I just went with them because this was how it worked. They took me out of one of the top ten state grammar schools in the country. I won't deny it wasn't easy for me or that my education didn't suffer - because it probably did but after many years of reflection I can honestly say it was the making of me.

Life is too short to live your life for your children - their time will come when they are grown up. Live yours now.

conversely, a teenager is at a crucial point in their education, whereas adults in middle age can easily wait 2 or 3 years to pursue a dream

Haven’t RTFT but I have a 14 year old DD and there’s no way I’d move her, no way at all. It’s such a difficult and vulnerable time for them, why would you take an action to make that worse? Why are you talking as if a house is more important that your DD’s happiness? Get your priorities right.

do it before she goes into september next school year. yes it will be a bit shit for her but she will get over it and one day thank you for a better life

Totally buggering up her GCSE preparation will be "a bit shit"? Strange set of priorities.

@IdblowJonSnow

The thing is, if you dont move now, when will you? When she's 18 and at uni? By which time how old will your other kids be? If you and DH want to move then I would very seriously consider this.

Why shouldn't she move at 16? Plenty of children do change schools at that age, and if she does it at the right time it won' disrupt A levels at all.

No I wouldn't mob a child of that age

My husbands parents did this. Their relationship has never recovered (25 years later) - I doubt it ever will at this point.

@Hamnet you do what is right for you and your family.
If she isn't at school anyway she can keep in touch with the friends on facetime like she is probably doing now anyway.
She is only 14, she will make new friends at that age. In 3 years she will be off to college.
Do what is right for you.

Personally I wouldn’t . I think I know the town you are moving to !!! It gets gridlocked in the summer with tourists.
I grew up in Devon and although it’s beautiful and great for primary aged kids, it’s crap for teens. I moved out at 18. I moved schools when I was a teen and hated it. There was no time to catch up on what I had missed from moving schools. I just had to learn it. Hence my grades at GCSE weren’t as good.

Devon - especially rural Devon - would be deathly boring for a teenager used to London life. The novelty of going to the beach etc. wears off quickly and there's not much to do here in terms of shopping, cinema, music and other things that teens enjoy (I live in Devon). Kids that grow up here are fine as they don't know any difference. Public transport is bad outside the cities so hard for her to independently meet up with friends.
I wouldn't move her at 14. It would be very hard for her to make friends for a while if social distancing remains. Even in school, it's hard to get to know anyone besides the two people sat either side of you (schools tend to have strict seating plans to minimise children's exposure to others if there were to be a positive Covid case).

@gasgig

What do 14 yr olds do in London that they can't do in Devon?

Have access to excellent public transport to allow them to be independent

Visit cultural sites such as museums, art galleries, exhibitions etc

Decent theatre

Music gigs

Decent nightlife (not for a 14 year old but thinking ahead a bit to the not too distant future)

Attend high quality sporting events

Have access to a good range of shopping (malls, trendy markets)

A wide range of places to eat out with friends from takeaways to coffee shops to themed restaurants / world cuisines etc.

(I live in Devon. We don't have any / many of the above).