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Original poster

Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

712 replies

Hamnet · 23/01/2021 08:30

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 23/01/2021 20:26

By the way, please keep us updated, OP.

It will be great hearing from you if you do it.

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 20:29

Ginfordinner quite. But my village for example (not big) has a bus to the nearest town four times a day which my DC used frequently to catch the onward twice an hour bus to Exeter. It is entirely possible to not be a parent taxi driver round these parts and for kids to be independent.

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 20:31

Cheer up thecatfromjapan :)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families Secondary education
ancientgran · 23/01/2021 20:46

@goodbyestranger

MoreHairy my own DCs' school (a grammar/ Devon) has recently started taking additional students in Y12 and the incomers have absorbed into friendship groups incredibly well.
But this girl would be going into year 11, that is a world and GCSEs away from changing at the end of year 11/start of year 12 which is quite normal.
ancientgran · 23/01/2021 20:48

@goodbyestranger

Ginfordinner quite. But my village for example (not big) has a bus to the nearest town four times a day which my DC used frequently to catch the onward twice an hour bus to Exeter. It is entirely possible to not be a parent taxi driver round these parts and for kids to be independent.
You do realise that not all villages will be the same as yours don't you? From what you've said about where your children went to school I don't think you are in South Hams are you.
MrsKingfisher · 23/01/2021 20:55

@Hamnet

Those asking where in Devon, I don’t want to be too precise but a small town in the South Hams. On mainline trainline to London in 3 hours.
Not Ivybridge is it? It Totnes? If it's either of those places I'd stay where you are.
MrsKingfisher · 23/01/2021 20:59

*or Totnes not it.

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 21:02

ancientgran the point is that new faces absorb well even where it's unusual to have in year admissions and obviously I realise that villages differ in Devon...... but ours is a small village where most people from outside seem surprised that we have any transport at all other than cars.

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 21:03

And no not South Hams but same demographic, so relevant.

C152 · 23/01/2021 21:09

If I had a teenager who was settled in school (albeit school is strange now and we don't really know when things will go back to normal) in Yr 10, I would only move if there was literally no other choice (e.g. there were no job opportunities where I was and I had an offer in another part of the country).

Would it be possible to buy the house, rent a place where you're living now and rent the new house out until your teenager has finished school?

ancientgran · 23/01/2021 21:17

@goodbyestranger

ancientgran the point is that new faces absorb well even where it's unusual to have in year admissions and obviously I realise that villages differ in Devon...... but ours is a small village where most people from outside seem surprised that we have any transport at all other than cars.
New faces might absorb well but that won't make tuppence worth of difference to GCSE's will it? The chances of having the same boards for all her exams and even of they are they don't all work through them in the same order or make the same choices.
ancientgran · 23/01/2021 21:19

@MrsKingfisher Not Ivybridge is it? It Totnes? If it's either of those places I'd stay where you are. I thought that but then I thought at least Ivybridge would be easy to get to Plymouth College and Totnes easy for Exeter. I used to work in one of them and wouldn't want to live there.

Ozzie9523 · 23/01/2021 21:21

No I moved at 14 and it was awful. I wouldn’t do it to my child.

ancientgran · 23/01/2021 21:21

Thinking about it probably Totnes, Ivybridge is longer than 3 hrs to London I think. Totnes is better for London, I don't think the faster trains always stop in Ivybridge.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/01/2021 21:28

I think as parents we over think the effects of moving our kids etc, they're adaptable and it could be a fresh start for her. In 4 years time she'll probably go off and live somewhere else anyway. If it had been up to my son we'd still be living in the small house he was born in, he's since lived on 3 different continents. I think you should go for it.

ancientgran · 23/01/2021 21:30

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I think as parents we over think the effects of moving our kids etc, they're adaptable and it could be a fresh start for her. In 4 years time she'll probably go off and live somewhere else anyway. If it had been up to my son we'd still be living in the small house he was born in, he's since lived on 3 different continents. I think you should go for it.
I think lots of people would agree with you if she wasn't in an exam year. I think once they start their GCSE's many people would think the end of year 11 would be the time to move.
Lesserspottedmama · 23/01/2021 21:33

I think it sounds like a great opportunity, I’m genuinely surprised that the majority of people think otherwise. Of course your DD is horrified and fearful and would need lots of support and hand holding to acclimatise but ultimately it could be great for her long term. We only get one life, go for it OP. Just know that y you will need to put 100% into supporting your eldest and doing whatever you can to help her integrate.

SquidInALid · 23/01/2021 21:34

What do the other DC want to do?

IdblowJonSnow · 23/01/2021 21:35

The thing is, if you dont move now, when will you? When she's 18 and at uni? By which time how old will your other kids be?
If you and DH want to move then I would very seriously consider this.

LetItGoGo · 23/01/2021 21:39

I am not against moving but I think it's the worst moment in most kids' lives to make a move. It's the time that they are moving away from parental influence into peer group. To force them into a new peer group at that stage (unless it's a situation where the child has no friends or dangerous ones) is very unfair imo.

It might be ok but it might be a disaster.

TonMoulin · 23/01/2021 21:45

@Hamnet you might be interested in another thread where the OP is suggesting to move a child in Y12 for them to do Y13 in a different school.
Similar case than you really (private school etc) but very different reasoning so you’ll have to ignore that.
This thread here

The issue is not moving to Devon. The issue is moving in the middle of her GCSE. Esp with the pandemic that has disturbed everything, moving school in between will make it extremely hard for her, even in a school that isn’t as competitive. They won’t have done the same subject. Some of them they will have already covered when she hasn’t started. Some stuff she will have already done but they haven’t etc....

A PP proposed renting for a year or even her staying at a friend for a year until she can join you. That would be my best solution to meet everyone needs.

TonMoulin · 23/01/2021 21:47

Btw I dint think that being separated from friends is the issue.

The can stay in touch (that’s where IG and Snapchat etc...) is great.
Next year, they will probably all move to different places. About half of my older dc friends have moved to another school starting 6th form. Moving then won’t be an issue and not will it ‘destroy her friendship’. No more than going to another 6th form will do.

Tiquismiquis · 23/01/2021 21:50

‘do it before she goes into september next school year. yes it will be a bit shit for her but she will get over it and one day thank you for a better life’

It pains me that some people can be so naive. The chances are it won’t be a better life at that age and she could quite easily resent her parents forever, do poorly in her GCSEs compared to what she might have done in her academic day school and leave home as soon as she’s able to.

I love the south west but the opportunists in rural Devon are quite clearly not going to match what she’s been used to.

smoothchange · 23/01/2021 21:51

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

It's not about her having a say, it's about you doing what's right for her.

I got moved when I was 15 and I was traumatised, no exaggeration. It took me years to get over it. I dropped out of school and did shot jobs for years. I had no one. I met people sure, but the dynamics were very different.

LickEmbysmiling · 23/01/2021 21:51

Moving her to the country side at this age would be devastating. There will be nothing to do I think this is a move to be done in a few years when she can live in London alone