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Original poster

Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

712 replies

Hamnet · 23/01/2021 08:30

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 23/01/2021 19:03

I know what I'd do, but then I'm "old-school", where the adults make the decisions. It depends on you and how much you feel you'll lose or gain from staying put. I wish you good luck with whichever choice you make
Well that's good. As long as the adult gets the nice house they want then who cares about the children brought into the world and their education, or the knock on effects of totally avoidable disruption to their GCSEs.

Is it not interesting that there's several posters on this thread saying that being uprooted in their teens was a negative thing for them. Then again I also know people whose parents moved them during their A Levels/GCSEs and then spend a huge amount of time moping about the fact that DCs choose to spend their holidays in their university locations, or as adults have moved back to the area they consider home.

MartiniDry · 23/01/2021 19:03

"so much control under the guise of old school'"

MarshaBradyo Why so vexed?
You becoming remarkably rude to someone (me) who isn't even the person who's considering moving house! Biscuit

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 19:08

Hamnet that's entirely fair. On the school front, even though my own DC have gone to a Devon school which has a reputation to outsiders (but not insiders!) of being high pressure, I know that it bears no comparison to the London day school scene and the extraordinary peer pressure that parents have as well as the DC themselves. It is way, way, way more chilled and yet the outcomes of the best schools aren't so very different. That could be a godsend for your DD if she's fragile, even though I would say - with the benefit of having eight DC through the system in recent years and out the other end to uni - I'd either explore moving a summer born down a year so that she starts Y10 again this Sept in her new Devon school - or stay put until she finishes Y11. Given your additional comments since I last checked in I'd be very tempted to do the former.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families Secondary education
Comefromaway · 23/01/2021 19:10

[quote springdale1]@merrymouse I’ll admit unusual but why couldn’t you? It was a state/catholic school, I had some free periods as I didn’t sit a language and taught myself year 10 work in that time. It was 10 years ago but I can’t see how it would be a huge disadvantage to move schools or what the pandemic would necessarily have to do with it.[/quote]
10 years ago GCSE’s had a heck of a less content.

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 19:11

If you need advice on the Devon school front then do feel free to message me; I'd be happy to help.

orangecinnamon · 23/01/2021 19:13

@Hamnet

Just popping back to say “woah there” on the multiple accusations of me being a selfish and horrid mother for considering this.

First, I’m considering this because I think it may be in the best interests for the WHOLE family. I don’t have time or space on one thread to set out every factor but this move would partly be about living in lower population density in a pandemic, partly about having more space and a more outdoors lifestyle, partly about having more money so the flexibility to work less and spend more time with the kids, partly about getting my two eldest, including my 14 year old, out of the very pressured London private day school rat race where they are being schooled to believe that anything less than straight A*S or 9s, combined with a special talent and an exceptional sports and music life is a failure. I don’t ask all your opinions on those issues as I’m clear on them. The one thing I’m not clear on is the impact on moving schools and environments at age 14, so I asked advice.

And that’s the thing: I am asking advice. I want views because I am carefully considering it. Considering. Does a selfish mother seek lots of views and evidence to help make an informed decision rather than just follow her own heart?

So be kind people.

There are many of us on the GCSE corona cohort thread that, upon reflection, considered the cancelling of GCSEs good for our DC who were having anxiety issues. If you have a chance to help your Dd get our of a pressured environment that might be contributing to her issues and spend more time as a family, and have a more outdoors lifestyle it is something that definitely deserves consideration. Have you spoken to your Dd about it from that perspective?
MarshaBradyo · 23/01/2021 19:13

@MartiniDry

"so much control under the guise of old school'"

MarshaBradyo Why so vexed?
You becoming remarkably rude to someone (me) who isn't even the person who's considering moving house! Biscuit

I’m not vexed but many others are quoting you too and saying the same
MarshaBradyo · 23/01/2021 19:14

I also find over use of emojis irritating so it might be that

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 19:25

Agreed orangecinnamon. So much revolves around the exact nature for the DD being wobbly. That should be the starting point. But it may well be that a move to an equally good but less pressured school and starting the GCSE syllabus again with the Covid related school disruptions out of the way could be exactly what the DD needs. Many DC have to retake a year if they become seriously unwell with any sort of health problem and since the OP's DC are already in the private sector that gives a lot more leeway for repeating Y10, not that any decent school in the state would deny a DC that flexibility either, if it possibly could.

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 19:26

*state sector

springdale1 · 23/01/2021 19:26

@Comefromaway I’m sure they are so much harder and GCSE’s ten years ago were easy but I was trying to illustrate that it isn’t the end of the world. I have real life experience in moving at this age that I thought would be helpful. People are being quite dramatic about it all as if it would ruin the daughters chances in life. I did my A Levels, got a degree and had a graduate scheme lined up 12 months before I graduated. I made new friends and still have my old ones in America that I still see every year.

Honestly OP you should go for it if it’s best for the family.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2021 19:38

@Hamnet

Just popping back to say “woah there” on the multiple accusations of me being a selfish and horrid mother for considering this.

First, I’m considering this because I think it may be in the best interests for the WHOLE family. I don’t have time or space on one thread to set out every factor but this move would partly be about living in lower population density in a pandemic, partly about having more space and a more outdoors lifestyle, partly about having more money so the flexibility to work less and spend more time with the kids, partly about getting my two eldest, including my 14 year old, out of the very pressured London private day school rat race where they are being schooled to believe that anything less than straight A*S or 9s, combined with a special talent and an exceptional sports and music life is a failure. I don’t ask all your opinions on those issues as I’m clear on them. The one thing I’m not clear on is the impact on moving schools and environments at age 14, so I asked advice.

And that’s the thing: I am asking advice. I want views because I am carefully considering it. Considering. Does a selfish mother seek lots of views and evidence to help make an informed decision rather than just follow her own heart?

So be kind people.

So take her out of that school?
MoreHairyThanScary · 23/01/2021 19:40

My dd yr11 has a friend who joined her friendship group last year, the school run 3 year GCSE's courses but the friend appears to have settled in well, without too much difficulty.

We are also in the south hams and the school is one of the larger ones in the uk, so it is relatively easy to fit in.

I think if she's August born and particularly if the school would be happy for her to drop a year go for it. Life cannot be put on hold.

Redburnett · 23/01/2021 19:45

No.

thecatfromjapan · 23/01/2021 19:51

OK.

Advice: If you want it to work, you need to get out a map and realistically decide how far you're prepared to drive, then contact all the independent schools in that area, asking them what they can offer.

Going back a year has massive ramifications for your teen - but it may well be your best option if you're set on this.

I still think buying and renting the Devon place for a year is a better option.

And - most of all - I think you may well regret it in a year. But, then again, I'm not you.

As I said, you do remind me a bit of my mother-in-law.
I chatted to DH a bit about her today, in light of this thread, and it really did bring back how determined and how wrong and how life-changing that decision was.

But only you really know your motives.

It's a really big decision. Minimising the downsides won't make them vanish. In fact, it suggests denial. Facing problems head-on not only leads to better outcomes, it also really helps you to assess your motivations in taking various decisions.

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 19:53

MoreHairy my own DCs' school (a grammar/ Devon) has recently started taking additional students in Y12 and the incomers have absorbed into friendship groups incredibly well.

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 20:00

thecatfromjapan the only decent independent school in the area is Exeter School but school transport to the various state schools can be door to door at no cost if you select your house strategically. My own DC were collected from our door to go to the grammar just over three miles away and returned home every afternoon. That's literally a dream school run :) If they were doing sport or other after school things then they needed a lift but the basic structure was in place every day of the school year.

Hampotsandonions · 23/01/2021 20:02

The trouble with these sorts of decisions is that op will only know in retrospect if it was a good move for her older teen or not.

To some degree it depends on the personality of the individual teen concerned. Also, how you as a family adapt to change and present that change to her. Some people have posted on here that a move at that age destroyed their academic chances. Others thrived. There is probably not a clear right or wrong decision.

We have decided, as it happens, to wait until our teen finishes school this summer but the downside of that is, as older parents, we are probably moving to the country twenty years later than ideal but you only have one life so ... . We're in our mid fifties and will probably God willing have 10-20 years in a very rural setting before we may want to move back to be closer to hospitals etc and happily we are able to provide for that possibility by keeping a toehold in town. Having said that though, we're happy (and it was a priority for us) that our teen was able to have a good standard of education, until the pandemic hit anyway.

There has to be a balance between what is best for your teen and for you and for your family as a whole. It's often said you are only as happy as your unhappiest child. Equally, a depressed mother is not a good thing for a teen either. And, being older, you have only one chance to live your dream while your teen will have all that to come. Plus, as a parent, you are weighing up the pros and cons for all family members not just one individual.

Fwiw a good compromise might be to try and buy the house and move your teen between O and A levels but have a good look at sixth form colleges first. In fact, for me, the whole of this decision would rest on what educational opportunities are available for all of your DC in your "dream" location.

Good luck.

goodbyestranger · 23/01/2021 20:02

People have curious ideas about Devon transport.

Ginfordinner · 23/01/2021 20:13

@goodbyestranger

People have curious ideas about Devon transport.
I think people in London have been spoiled by the pentiful public transport that London has to offer, and can't envisage living anywhere where there aren't buses/trains/undergrounds every few minutes.
Wiltshire90 · 23/01/2021 20:18

My parents moved when I was 14. I was devastated at first, but on reflection it was a good thing and I'm glad we moved. It took me about a year to settle in and "get over it" and I loved it after that. Being a teenager is always hard even if you have a privileged life! Good luck with whatever you choose.

partyatthepalace · 23/01/2021 20:18

It’s a rough time to move a teen, and she isn’t likely to enjoy Devon after London.

But it’s about your whole family so you have to do what you think is best for everyone.

thecatfromjapan · 23/01/2021 20:23

goodbyestranger
I'm suggesting thinking about driving because I'm wondering if OP would consider independents as far as Plymouth.

Plus, even if the school has a morning and afternoon bus for students, all that falls apart once they want to stay late/go in at odd times, or if the weather gets bad.

I used to live in a semi-rural area myself. My school was twenty miles from my home. We had a bus - but I still ended up having to be collected from school by parents if I stayed late for extra classes or drama/gymnastics.

(People who live outside of London have funny ideas about people who live in London.)

carly2803 · 23/01/2021 20:24

honestly - do it.

if you dont do it now like you said you will be another 11 years in london.

do it before she goes into september next school year. yes it will be a bit shit for her but she will get over it and one day thank you for a better life

best of luck op with the move - you are a good mother and you will do this (the right thing)! for the family

thecatfromjapan · 23/01/2021 20:25

Fuck.
I can't believe I've actually risen to one of those nutty 'Londoners ... public transport ...' posts.

The Brexit backwash ... and I stepped in it. ☹️