Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

Do it! Do it now - teenagers are selfish by their very nature and will not embrace any change that doesn't conform to their world view.

What on earth is selfish about not wanting to disrupt your GCSE preparation?

I and DH would both not hesitate to move if it was for the best for us as a family, we believe that no one individual should disrupt a life enhancing chance for the five of us.

But this wouldn't realistically :disrupt a life-enhancing chance, would it? OK, OP might not get the particular house she wants if she has to wait till her DD has done GCSEs - which presumably only be 18 months away - but there is no realistic reason to think she won't find something as good.

I absolutely think that now would be nasty for your dd to move. Rural life is not for everyone. It takes a certain personality to cope with the isolation. No way that I could do it to a child of mine unless they were very pro the move. Don't do it to her. Devon? Retire there. Don't inflict that on a 14 year old.

know what I'd do, but then I'm "old-school", where the adults make the decisions.

What sort of parent would put their dream house over their daughter's education and mental health?

Being an adult doesn't mean your wants take precedence over your children's needs. It's like Miss Trunchbull. I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it

MarshaBradyo, of course my suggestion (and what would be my personal choice) is "adult centric"! I'm an adult, and as previously stated, I'm of the 'old school' breed where adults make decisions. I respect that you might not take the same line but it's odd that you should remark about my view being "adult centric" as if it were a revelation! 😉🙂

@merrymouse I’ll admit unusual but why couldn’t you? It was a state/catholic school, I had some free periods as I didn’t sit a language and taught myself year 10 work in that time. It was 10 years ago but I can’t see how it would be a huge disadvantage to move schools or what the pandemic would necessarily have to do with it.

My DM died recently aged 78. Shortly before she died she told me (yet again) the story of her parents’ move when she was mid-A levels, the disastrous effect it had on her education and the way she resented their prioritisation of their own desires. Devon will still be there in two years time.

Could you sell your house in London in order to buy the dream house and then rent it out until your daughter finishes her education? Meanwhile renting a house in London

We are moving about 200 miles from our home & where we raised our family, no way would we have done this while our children were in education. Our children are fully behind our move, otherwise we would not be moving, however we do have some extenuating circumstances that also made our reason for moving valid.

@MartiniDry

MarshaBradyo, of course my suggestion (and what would be my personal choice) is "adult centric"! I'm an adult, and as previously stated, I'm of the 'old school' breed where adults make decisions. I respect that you might not take the same line but it's odd that you should remark about my view being "adult centric" as if it were a revelation! 😉🙂

It’s so childish at the same time.

I want a dream house.

Out if interest - Do you you not consider the happiness of your family important?

So much control under the guise of being ‘old school’

Just sounds highly selfish

I would not move a teen in their exam years unless we were fleeing for our lives or facing total ruin in some way.

FFS. Different schools do different exam boards, cover the curriculum at different times.

Totally undermine her education.

No way would I move a 14 year old and disrupt her education even more. Wait another four years, or at a push, two

I wouldn't move, no.
I wouldnt forgive my parents for something like this, if she's anything like me.
But im not you, nor your daughter, Op. And some teenagers may take this sort of disruption well in the longer run, character building or whatever. I suspect ALL 14yos will be pretty upset in some way to have this sort of change, at least in the short term. You know best OP.
Just know that Devon will still be there for you to move to in a few years.

By the time your child is 14 you've made your choice on where to settle i0mo.

It's too late and extremely unfair to uproot then and move hundreds of miles away on little more than a whim. Yabu op.

Hamnet
Those saying teen life in Devon would be miserable. I spent my teen years in the town we are considering. It was great.

You are looking at those years through the rose tinted lenses of history.
And not as someone that was brought up in London.

I'm also a bit baffled at all the 'wait two years' comments.

What will happen in two years? They drag a very unwilling 16 year old with them? Or abandon their 16 year old in London?

Just popping back to say “woah there” on the multiple accusations of me being a selfish and horrid mother for considering this.

First, I’m considering this because I think it may be in the best interests for the WHOLE family. I don’t have time or space on one thread to set out every factor but this move would partly be about living in lower population density in a pandemic, partly about having more space and a more outdoors lifestyle, partly about having more money so the flexibility to work less and spend more time with the kids, partly about getting my two eldest, including my 14 year old, out of the very pressured London private day school rat race where they are being schooled to believe that anything less than straight A*S or 9s, combined with a special talent and an exceptional sports and music life is a failure. I don’t ask all your opinions on those issues as I’m clear on them. The one thing I’m not clear on is the impact on moving schools and environments at age 14, so I asked advice.

And that’s the thing: I am asking advice. I want views because I am carefully considering it. Considering. Does a selfish mother seek lots of views and evidence to help make an informed decision rather than just follow her own heart?

So be kind people.

They shouldn't wait 2 years if they are going to move, they should do it in 18 months when she has finished her GCSE's and before she starts A levels or whatever she does next.

The point about waiting for what in fact would be 18 months is that the 14 year old's GCSEs will be over, she might well be looking at moving schools anyway, and the younger children won't yet be at a stage where moving them will affect their education. It's reasonable to assume that the oldest child will be more mature and flexible by then anyway.

OP... make the move 🌺

OP, what exactly is your plan about your daughter's GCSEs if you do move? Given that she really isn't going to be able to carry straight on with the same syllabuses etc in a new school.

Well OP I think the main advice is not to mess up her GCSE's. If you think her redoing year 10 is the answer have you thought about schools. There aren't many private schools in the South hams and I can't think of a senior one unless you are considering Steiner.

If you are looking at Totnes then Exeter is reasonable or there is Stover but I'm not sure how accessible that would be, I had a friend who sent her daughter there but she had to do the transport which she was fed up of by the end of it.

I think you are getting a bit of harsh judgement here OP

You do have to think of the whole family

What if leaving is the best thing for every other family member and staying is only best for dd?

It's good you are not saying one way or the other yet and are considering everything

What do other dc think?

I would be less concerned about her education than I would be about her mental health.

Don't do it😱 My parents move from one side of a town to the other when I was 15. At the time there was no bus from one side to another, too far to cycle or walk, dad worked shifts and mum didn't drive so I had to move school. I was assured that my O'level (Im that old🙄)courses would be the same- in reality what I had studied in the first year they did in the second so I did 1 year twice, or I could catch up on my own 🤔It was very difficult to make friends, everyone has established their own groups by that age, I hated school-any excuse- I walked out and went home🙄 As my birthday is in the Autumn term I could leave at Easter, so despite having the highest marks in typing and office studies mock exams and teachers trying to persuade me to stay, I got a job and left at Easter with no qualifications. I have worked, studied for a diploma at 50 and have a good job in the public sector but often wonder what might have been and what I could have acheived? Bitter, me? 🍋