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Original poster

Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

712 replies

Hamnet · 23/01/2021 08:30

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 23/01/2021 17:04

In some ways it would be less disruptive to move your children this year than in future years. Our Y10 children are not going to have a normal end of school experience anyway. I'm expecting that mine may have to do extra courses at college to make up for disrupted courses now. In normal times I'd say no to moving now but these aren't normal times.

Devon is lovely and I'd move back there if I had the opportunity. I live rural elsewhere and it's one of the silver linings to the lockdowns that I have countryside outside my door not a city.

AaronPurr · 23/01/2021 17:05

Do it! Do it now - teenagers are selfish by their very nature

If anything it's the OP who is being selfish, suddenly deciding this is the right time to move because they're worried the pandemic will mean cities won't be fun again for years. Confused

Considering the DDs GCSE results will affect her choices / options going forward, she will be unable to make friends in the new area and already has fragile mental health. I'd say the DD has a much more reasonable argument for staying in London than the OP does for leaving.

MarshaBradyo · 23/01/2021 17:06

@HappyDogHappyMe

Do it! Do it now - teenagers are selfish by their very nature and will not embrace any change that doesn't conform to their world view.

Schools will likely be very different when they are allowed to open again.

I and DH would both not hesitate to move if it was for the best for us as a family, we believe that no one individual should disrupt a life enhancing chance for the five of us.

Depressing

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families Secondary education
nuitdesetoiles · 23/01/2021 17:09

@HappyDogHappyMe I'm glad I'm not in your family, you sound really pompous and selfish with no understanding of teenage development at all.

LynetteScavo · 23/01/2021 17:10

I would do everything I could not to move my child in Y10 - Buy I would plant the seed that you will be moving at some point- Either at the end of Y11 or preferably the end of Y13.

My DS is in Y13 and if I told him we were moving to Devon I'm pretty sure he wouldn't come with us.

Comefromaway · 23/01/2021 17:11

We spend YEARS trying to install into teens the fact that education is important and improves your life chances.

Then when one actually agrees, they are being selfish.

nuitdesetoiles · 23/01/2021 17:12

Another thing to consider is healthcare. Someone mentioned CAMHS earlier, the CAMHS provision in Devon and Cornwall is dire. I have professional experience of it, in London and all the big cities it's far better resourced. I also think it's been outsourced to virgin care from the NHS although I could be wrong.

Comefromaway · 23/01/2021 17:15

@nuitdesetoiles

Another thing to consider is healthcare. Someone mentioned CAMHS earlier, the CAMHS provision in Devon and Cornwall is dire. I have professional experience of it, in London and all the big cities it's far better resourced. I also think it's been outsourced to virgin care from the NHS although I could be wrong.
I have experience of this in terms of other support services too. When we had to change ds’s school he’d just got to the top of a waiting list for support (after 18 months) if we’d moved to a different local authority he’d have had to start from scratch on their waiting list.

I imagine CAMHS would be similar.

LolaSmiles · 23/01/2021 17:16

My parents moved us around as children and I hated it. It affected my ability to sustain friendships in my teens and early 20s as well because everyone already had their groups, and them during university they would all meet up at home, but by then my 'home' was actually my parents' house somewhere I had no roots.

As an adult with my own children I'd only be looking to move them if circumstances required it and moving during GCSEs would be an absolute last resort.

FlamingGoat · 23/01/2021 17:17

I'd do it. I moved schools at 12 and 14 and it never did me any harm.
@Hamnet I am also from a small town in that area and would move back in a heartbeat if I could. Its a wonderful area to grow up.

merrymouse · 23/01/2021 17:20

@nuitdesetoiles

Another thing to consider is healthcare. Someone mentioned CAMHS earlier, the CAMHS provision in Devon and Cornwall is dire. I have professional experience of it, in London and all the big cities it's far better resourced. I also think it's been outsourced to virgin care from the NHS although I could be wrong.
we believe that no one individual should disrupt a life enhancing chance for the five of us

It’s not necessarily life enhancing though, just something the adults would prefer.

The nature of the U.K. education system locks you into a particular school for 2 years at GCSE and A level. This shouldn’t be news to anyone given that we have had this system for decades.

Comefromaway · 23/01/2021 17:21

@FlamingGoat

I'd do it. I moved schools at 12 and 14 and it never did me any harm. *@Hamnet* I am also from a small town in that area and would move back in a heartbeat if I could. Its a wonderful area to grow up.
I assume you didn’t take your GCSE exams in the last three years?

Did you move after the January of Year 10 or before? If after, we’re you able to take a full number of GCSE exams and get the same grades as you were expected to before the move (without huge amounts of extra study or private tutoring?)

merrymouse · 23/01/2021 17:21

Oops sorry - wrong quote!

Was also going to say that the healthcare facilities in rural areas can also be a problem as you grow older.

Ginfordinner · 23/01/2021 17:33

I'd do it. I moved schools at 12 and 14 and it never did me any harm.

14 in what year at school?
The fact that it did you no harm is completely irrelevant. The OP's daughter is not you Hmm

It isn't the daughter who is being selfish here. As the parent of a child who went through a terrible time at 14 with anxiety and depression I entreat the OP to reconsider removing her child from what is an extremely important two years to be at the same school.

And what exacty is a "dream house" anyway?

MarshaBradyo · 23/01/2021 17:35

With everything so reduced for teens atm the last thing I’d contemplate is moving them from friends too

Vargas · 23/01/2021 17:38

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but I was moved cross country (not UK) when I was 14.

It was devastating, I suffered a severe bout of depression that had very serious consequences. It took me several years to recover. I desperately missed my friends and my extra-curricular activities; my grades plummeted. It really depends on the child, but unless your dd is super robust and resilient then I wouldn't even consider it. I am in my fifties now and I still feel bitter about it.

Tiquismiquis · 23/01/2021 17:51

I’m amazed some people are talking about the teen being selfish. She absolutely isn’t. It’s her parents that are. It does make me wonder if some people have children for the cute baby/toddler phase but forget they are also raising teens who are learning to be independent people and will have opinions. Obviously sometimes teens will be unreasonable and lack impulse control but I don’t think wanting to complete GCSEs and stay with friends is being terribly unreasonable.

It also sounds like the OP plans on having ‘limited’ time in the London office. That is a mega commute even if only a day a week so the whole thing sounds a bit in realistic. While wfh will make many things easier, I think there will be a gradual creep back to the office for many sectors and certainly wouldn’t be sure enough to plan a massive move away from my office until it’s clearer what post pandemic work looks like.

TheTeenageYears · 23/01/2021 17:57

Not in Y10 in a normal year and especially not when her Y9 was so hugely disrupted. Y11 is going to be hell for everyone involved. There will be so many gaps in their learning and they are extremely likely to be sitting their exams in 2022.

We live abroad and have done since children were early primary age. DS had been to 8 different schools by the time he left but I would never have moved mine either during Y10/11 or Y12/13.

MartiniDry · 23/01/2021 18:18

In 4 years time your daughter will either be at work, university, or college with every likelihood of living away from home. Her future, pray to goodness, will stretch out before her. The choices she makes for the rest of her life can be hers alone and she will have decades worth of opportunities ahead. Will you regret letting go your chance of a more peaceful lifestyle as your child-centric family life lessens?

Your chance to have a better life back home, in the house you always dreamed of may quite possibly only be available to you this once. Will you be happy in 4 or 5 years time in a house and are you remained in for the benefit of someone who no longer lives there?

I know what I'd do, but then I'm "old-school", where the adults make the decisions. It depends on you and how much you feel you'll lose or gain from staying put. I wish you good luck with whichever choice you make.

optimisticpessimist01 · 23/01/2021 18:23

As long as you are happy with the decision that you could ruin your daughters education and, therefore, future. And no, I'm not even being remotely dramatic.

merrymouse · 23/01/2021 18:24

Your chance to have a better life back home, in the house you always dreamed of may quite possibly only be available to you this once.

While it's true that this house may not come on the market again, no one house is the key to future happiness.

On the other hand, GCSEs really do influence future choices.

MarshaBradyo · 23/01/2021 18:26

Your chance to have a better life back home, in the house you always dreamed of may quite possibly only be available to you this once

No. This is so adult centric
The teen only gets one chance at GSCE

MarshaBradyo · 23/01/2021 18:27

Actually it’s treating the op like she’s a child who needs this ‘dream house’ to be satisfied

There will be other houses

Arobase · 23/01/2021 18:27

Your chance to have a better life back home, in the house you always dreamed of may quite possibly only be available to you this once.

Realistically, how many people get to live their life in their dream house? Yet we all survive. All OP really needs to do is wait a couple of years till her daughter has done her GCSEs. Judging by my current favourite lockdown vice, watching "Escape to the Country", there's a pretty good selection of lovely property in the Devon area.

MartiniDry · 23/01/2021 18:30

thecatfromjapan - the OP won't be "looking at home schooling, a PRU, or private" education if there is "no place" in a state school.

The Local Authority has a legal obligation to provide a child with a school place. It cannot make a parent home ed, put their child in a private school, or put their child into a PRU (which is not there for the purpose of overspill, but for kids with issues).