Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

I would move now because your personal circumstances are optimal. We also have a year 10 so I fully understand.
We were moving to Mexico last year but couldn't in the end.
We need to see what's best for the parents as they will be moving away if they go to university.
She isn't seeing her friends so it's perfect. Secure a school and you should be set.
She'll make new friends. I definitely would for a much nicer lifestyle.

It depends whether you can secure your daughter a place in a good school. If Exeter is a quick train journey away and private school is feasible, then Exeter School is as high performing as most London day schools (almost always in the top 50 nationally for exam results) and Exeter College is a good option for 6th form. And the South Hams is much more sophisticated than the north coast.

But it would be upsetting for a 14 yo, although this year of all years, I think school is a bit of an aside, given the weeks that have already been lost to COVID.

Oh OP, what a dilemma.

I LOVED being a London teenager... I bet your DD does too.

It would be so unfair to move her.

London property prices are very high, could you not buy the second one as a ''Holiday home?''

{I know that is wrong as it prices out local families} but it might be an option?

@Soontobe60 what is it to forgive????? We parents need to do what's best for the family. Not what's best for a teen that has her life in front of her.

@Ginfordinner

I think some people are rather naive about availability of drugs and alcohol. I'm in a fairly rural part of South Yorkshire, and not too far from West Yorkshire and Greater Manchester. We have a big problem with county lines round here. Mostly weed, but other drugs as well.

Absolutely rural town and bored teens can be an issue

Moving away at 18 to attend term time at university is not remotely like being moved at 14.

Moving a teenager is hard.
Moving a teenager during GCSEs is harder.
Moving a teenager out of London to the country is really hard, add GCSEs and it’s really really hard.
Moving a teenager in during GCSEs from London to the countryside during a pandemic where it’ll be impossible for her to connect with people her own age could be disastrous.

There’s no way I’d even be considering it right now. Chances are it’ll be an easier move for your other children in the future.

We parents need to do what's best for the family.

I'd question whether somebody suggesting a mid GCSE move because of London pandemic restrictions is doing the best for the family.

it sounds more like a reaction to frustration and anxiety.

[quote Itsjusttoohard]@TatianaBis I know you did, but I think you're wrong, from my work with exploited teens well outside of London, it's really not hard. There are dealers (children) in every secondary school I know.[/quote]
Of course there are, but in London you don’t even need a school dealer because you can get them anywhere.

Every area of the country has dealers but there are far more per square foot in London.

My parents waited until I finished my A levels and we are waiting for my DD to finish school this year too.

I agree. Drugs is so engrained in our culture for young people now. I think some people are extremely naive to it if they are not personally exposed to it.

Yeah I only grew up around drugs from ages 12/13.

My DH moved from London to another part of the country at 14, necessitated by his dad's job. He loved it and the group of friends he made at his new school are still his closest friends today. It can turn out fine, and agree Devon is a much better location for a family

Drugs are everywhere but it's much easier to get hold of them in big cities. But drugs are a red herring, its the gcses really.

I grew up in a big Midlands city and I saw more drugs in sleepy Devon than I did there. There is high unemployment in many Devon towns, poverty and drugs are more common than people think.

Nope, wouldn’t do it. You will stuff her exams up. Different schools will have different exam boards, they won’t even be studying the same books for English Lit. The subjects covered in subjects like history or geography varies a lot between exam boards.

Possibly at the end of year 11 but ideally wait till after year 13.

square foot

Square mile obviously.

I don’t think that moving to Devon is an issue. It’s certainly NOT the other side of the country! (Scotland or NI would be)
She would still have the opportunity to go to London quite easily. Just like you are mentioning doing so for work.

However it has to work for her too and moving between Y10 and Y11 is a very bad idea. Dc1 moved schools at the end of Y9 and that has turned out to be harder than we thought.
On thé other side, moving into 6th form, being at a different school/college will be normal (and easier academically).
I would NOT expect her to redo her year either. You say she is doing well enough in a school that is pushing them a lot. She will be bored to death and ressentful if you ask her to do that Imo.

sounds like another predictable 'run from the plague' move to me.
calm down and think later, when things are less turbulent.

I will be in your position very soon.

I would go ahead. Sounds as if DD is the only child who needs active consideration here. Things are moving very slowly in the property market so it will probably be well into 2020 before you could even complete. I would then rent in London for a few months and let DD complete Year 11 at her current school. Or even ask if close friends would be prepared to let her stay for a few months.

You dont say what she might do post-16 but she can look at Local Devon options.

I think you are being extremely pessimistic and also a little bit dramatic if this is all (or even partly) because of Covid.

We don't know how much longer we will be living under restrictions.

To up and move your whole family and cause massive upheaval to your daughter seems incredibly over the top when things may start opening up again in 6 months time.

Is that really part of the reason or is it a bit of an excuse?

@PatButchersRightEarring

Moving a teenager is hard. Moving a teenager during GCSEs is harder. Moving a teenager out of London to the country is really hard, add GCSEs and it’s really really hard. Moving a teenager in during GCSEs from London to the countryside during a pandemic where it’ll be impossible for her to connect with people her own age could be disastrous.

There’s no way I’d even be considering it right now. Chances are it’ll be an easier move for your other children in the future.

I think you have summed it up very well. Yet some posters still don't understand how difficult it is to transition from year 10 to year 11 in a different school.

I feel that the only posters that can give sensible advice are teachers, parents of children in year 10 or parents of children who have recently taken GCSEs, because the rest just don't get it or understand the current GCSE system or that there are so many differences in the syllabus, the order that topics are taught and that there are different exam boards.

Wow. That literally is Worst Case Scenario x 100000

For a child who is finding this stage of her life hard anyway (from the OP) I’d say it’s fairly likely.

I have kids who recently did GCSE’s & A levels. Everything PatButchersEarring said above is spot on.

Yes, if you had asked me 5 years ago I would probably have said just do it. Now, with kids in years 10 and 12 I am definitely in the "absolutely no way" camp.

Do it! Do it now - teenagers are selfish by their very nature and will not embrace any change that doesn't conform to their world view.

Schools will likely be very different when they are allowed to open again.

I and DH would both not hesitate to move if it was for the best for us as a family, we believe that no one individual should disrupt a life enhancing chance for the five of us.

@HappyDogHappyMe

Do it! Do it now - teenagers are selfish by their very nature and will not embrace any change that doesn't conform to their world view.

Schools will likely be very different when they are allowed to open again.

I and DH would both not hesitate to move if it was for the best for us as a family, we believe that no one individual should disrupt a life enhancing chance for the five of us.

This dreadful, selfish teen who wants to get good GCSE results so she can go to 6th form & probably uni or get a good job.

How selfish to not want to throw her education down the drain and not be able to follow her chosen career, potentially limiting her earning potential for the rest of her life.