Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

I wouldn’t.
We moved when I was 17 and my sister was 15 and now in our 30s we still struggle with the immense loss of our community, friends, relationships.

@AyrshireAmbler49

I wouldn’t. We moved when I was 17 and my sister was 15 and now in our 30s we still struggle with the immense loss of our community, friends, relationships.

Wow. That's a bit extreme. Did you not make any friends when you were older?

I wouldn’t go to Devon yet. Family feelings and education is more important than a house. Wait until she is at least at Uni or about to leave home and then pursue your dream house.. an even better one will come along later.

As a child who moved schools too much, I’d listen to your daughter. It could cause untold family rift, and could you bear to live with that ?

Yeh they are, but it’s so much easier to get hold of drugs in London because there are so many more sources. You can just get them couriered round like Deliveroo.

This happens outside of London tok and Devon has as bug a problem with County Lines as anywhere. In fact, County Lines came about because police in London were so successful at disrupting drugs gangs they needed new markets.

No I wouldn’t. I’d wait until youngest is 18 then they can decide what they want to do.

This is the second similar thread this week, I honestly don't know what's wrong with some adults trying to move teenagers during exam courses.

It's not her fault that delaying would mean it's a long time before you can move. It seems such a selfish thing to consider.

Don't move your daughter. It's tough enough already going through remote learning and her school will be working doubly hard when they are back to catch all students up, imagine the stress of doing that in a new school where you have no friends and know nobody. You're also risking her education too, there's no guarantee the school she moves to will do the same options or same exam boards, both of these situation will be extremely problematic for your daughter.

You're daughters feelings and education is more important than you having a desire to move to Devon, think of your family and your daughters point of view.

@Itsjusttoohard

Yeh they are, but it’s so much easier to get hold of drugs in London because there are so many more sources. You can just get them couriered round like Deliveroo.

This happens outside of London tok and Devon has as bug a problem with County Lines as anywhere. In fact, County Lines came about because police in London were so successful at disrupting drugs gangs they needed new markets.

I have never said that Devon or any rural areas don’t have problem with drugs, I simply said they’re easier to get hold of in London.

Do it! Life is too short not to pursue your dreams. And I say this who did something similar with everyone wailing at us “how awful” and “wouldn’t we please think of the children”. And do you know what? Once they had settled the kids thought (and still do) think it was the best decision ever. The world is a small place now so she can still keep in touch with old friends far more easily than mine could when we did it...

I think some people are rather naive about availability of drugs and alcohol. I'm in a fairly rural part of South Yorkshire, and not too far from West Yorkshire and Greater Manchester. We have a big problem with county lines round here. Mostly weed, but other drugs as well.

There’s no Waitrose in Totnes for example

So people who want to live near a Waitrose might not want to live in Totnes?

However, there are loads of branches of Waitrose outside London and London is a massive place with large Waitroseless patches.

Similarly 'the countryside' varies a lot.

No I wouldn't move, like others who've said on here I moved location when I was a teenager and really struggled emotionally.

To add to my previous post, I'm a secondary school teacher and the thought wouldn't ever cross my mind. You have a good school in London by the sounds of it, don't sacrifice your daughters education and future because you don't want to wait a couple more years. Maybe you don't understand the gravity of the situation due to not working in education but I'd even go as far to say its irresponsible and selfish.

I think some people are rather naive about availability of drugs and alcohol.

Agree.

Meant to add to my last post, I never settled into the new location and left as soon as I could.

And for all the people saying drugs won't be an issue in Devon, how ridiculous. Rural areas still have a huge drugs and county lines problem, its just not as broadcasted across the media.

Some posters are clearly still missing the point of how important it is not to move in the middle of the GCSE syllabus.

@TatianaBis I know you did, but I think you're wrong, from my work with exploited teens well outside of London, it's really not hard. There are dealers (children) in every secondary school I know.

Not sure if it's already been said, but not sure how likely it is that the train track at Dawlish gets nobbled again by storms. London may be harder to get to...

[quote Itsjusttoohard]@TatianaBis I know you did, but I think you're wrong, from my work with exploited teens well outside of London, it's really not hard. There are dealers (children) in every secondary school I know.[/quote]
I agree. Drugs is so engrained in our culture for young people now. I think some people are extremely naive to it if they are not personally exposed to it.

From experience, please do not move your year 10 daughter

It comes down to choosing either your own happiness, or that of your children.

I’d love to move to the countryside/seaside too - I get all your reasons for wanting to do so - and your dream house being on the market must be torture. But the upheaval and upset it will cause just isn’t worth it. Your dc’s should come first. The house or something similar may come on the market again in the future.

We plan to move to Cornwall when the kids have left home, I wouldn’t uproot them now.

@Ginfordinner

Some posters are clearly still missing the point of how important it is not to move in the middle of the GCSE syllabus.

Agreed. Dreams are one thing, but this is a child's future. If she is forced to move during her GCSEs it will have a negative impact, and could even have disastrous consequences for her education in the long term.

I was expelled from one school in a city one term into Yr10 and went to an all girls school in another smaller town and knew no-one.

I made some friends very very quickly. And if anything, as i was not caught up in the detailed drama of ongoing teenage crap, I worked harder and got better GCSE results than if id stayed at the first school.

Drugs are everywhere so that shouldn't be a factor. My sister lives in a sleepy sussex village and the cocaine taking is rife amongst the school parents.