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Original poster

Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

712 replies

Hamnet · 23/01/2021 08:30

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

OP posts:
NotMeNoNo · 23/01/2021 14:05

When your teenager has stopped attending school, won't get any qualifications, or get a job, self harms, attendance are chasing you, you are struggling to start from scratch with CAmhs in a new county, and she won't leave her room, I hope you still enjoy the dream house.

Sorry if it a bit negative but it could literally chop off her future. Teens can go from fine to drop out in a few months. It would be different if she was keen.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 23/01/2021 14:05

I really want to move far away and rural for a lifestyle change. However, I am saving this dream for the future as it really is just me who wants to do this. My husband wouldn't mind either way. My teenage children absolutely don't want to move. It may work out for them but if it doesn't turn out to benefit them, they will resent it for ever. So I won't do it to them. It really would be very selfish of me.

OliverBabish · 23/01/2021 14:07

@NotMeNoNo

When your teenager has stopped attending school, won't get any qualifications, or get a job, self harms, attendance are chasing you, you are struggling to start from scratch with CAmhs in a new county, and she won't leave her room, I hope you still enjoy the dream house.

Sorry if it a bit negative but it could literally chop off her future. Teens can go from fine to drop out in a few months. It would be different if she was keen.

Wow. That literally is Worst Case Scenario x 100000

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families Secondary education
TatianaBis · 23/01/2021 14:08

Thing I would say about London as a lifelong Londoner is that’s it’s addictive.

You can’t leave because you’d lose x y z. I cannot contemplate life without Ocado, Waitrose Rapid, Sainsbury’s Chop Chop, Deliveroo, sushi round the corner, Polish supermarkets, restaurants of every nationality, art galleries, museums, concerts, parks, multicultural everything, friends, social life etc.

But life here is busy, fast-paced, stressful, frenetic, competitive, materialist, polluted. Part of the reason you can’t leave is because you can’t get off the merry go round adrenaline rush.

Getting off it can bring enormous benefits.

merrymouse · 23/01/2021 14:08

Lower availability of drugs and alcohol.

Drugs and alcohol are everywhere. The only weapon you have as a parent to combat misuse of drugs and alcohol is good communication.

MrsJBaptiste · 23/01/2021 14:08

One thing that stands out for me is that many of your childhood friends still live in the same village you grew up in. This means their children will have always lived there and it may be a very close knit community.

Great if your'e readily accepted into it. Awful if you're a teenager on the outside hating every minute of it.

TatianaBis · 23/01/2021 14:10

@Clymene

I'm talking about the OP doing it now *@TatianaBis* - that's whar she's talking about, not waiting until her daughter has finished her GCSEs (which I agree is completely different)
Most people advised OP not to do it right now. Perhaps she’ll take that on board.
Mischance · 23/01/2021 14:10

I do not envy you this conundrum. Clearly you do not want to do something that might be hugely disruptive to your DD and upset her. But on the other hand, you have some rights too! - I can absolutely understand why you are keen to move somewhere more rural, both for quality of life and a chance to get away from the germ soup that is London.

Can you make the move, but build in ways for your DD to pursue her current exam courses and maintain contact with her friends?

My DC were brought up in a rural area and some of the GC are also being brought up similarly. I am very conscious of the gentler message that they receive about life from being in a rural area - fewer drugs, close-knit communities that care. It is swings and roundabouts and I can understand why this is a difficult decision.

Nothing would induce me to bring children up in a city as life is at present. Both covid and also drugs and violence.

MothershipG · 23/01/2021 14:10

On a logistical note; a house in Devon is likely to sell faster than one in London, so the dream home maybe gone before you get yours on the market.

Jaxhog · 23/01/2021 14:12

Check out the local schools now and find out what's possible.

Speaking as someone who moved from London suburbs to Lancashire countryside at around the same age, it will be a culture shock at first. But I settled in fast, and so will she.

TatianaBis · 23/01/2021 14:13

@MothershipG

On a logistical note; a house in Devon is likely to sell faster than one in London, so the dream home maybe gone before you get yours on the market.
Not true at all. London property can go overnight, particularly since lockdown. Even though we are now back in lockdown London property still shifting fast.
merrymouse · 23/01/2021 14:15

I cannot contemplate life without Ocado, Waitrose Rapid, Sainsbury’s Chop Chop, Deliveroo, sushi round the corner, Polish supermarkets, restaurants of every nationality, art galleries, museums, concerts, parks, multicultural everything, friends, social life etc.

These are all available outside London. The only thing that is less available is food delivery because it doesn't make so much economic sense in a less populated area, but it's still available near all the cities.

Most people living in London do not live next to art galleries and museums, and it takes time to travel across London. The big difference the availability and cheapness of public transport.

merrymouse · 23/01/2021 14:17

Not true at all. London property can go overnight, particularly since lockdown.

I agree with you there - Property moves fast because there is more competition and a bigger market.

Divebar · 23/01/2021 14:19

@Ginfordinner

I haven’t been to Sheffield for years but used to live in Nottingham so not a million miles away. I used to go to a nightclub in Sheffield back when I had the energy for such things. I imagine my derrière would be much firmer too with all those hills.

Itsjusttoohard · 23/01/2021 14:20

Is there even an mechanism in England for children to be held back a year?. I work with troubled teens, many of whom may well benefit from a second chance at their exam years, but I've never known it happen.

Also, I wouldn't assume you'll automatically get a place at the local school.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 23/01/2021 14:23

Devon is a huge county. You may nit be able to sat where, but I'd say it makes a difference. Is she going to be able to access anything remotely like city life (shes lived in London she may choose to embrace devon but if she doesn't its helpful if she can get to some.semblance of ity culture). Otyer than taht I would also say that at 14 she wonr like anything you do and she doesnt and cant be placed in a position to make decisions about where is best for her. And she is one of a family so her needs to sor trump everyone else's . And nor should they be totally ignored. It's a difficult age but it IS and can be possible to move school and house at 14 without it being a trauma.

NotMeNoNo · 23/01/2021 14:24

@OliverBabish it is very pessimistic but the op started by mentioning the strong feelings and MH of a teen, not a robust, outgoing, happy teenager. it's about weighing up risks isn't it?

eurochick · 23/01/2021 14:28

Buy it as it is your dream house. Rent it out and rent in london at least until she has finished year 11. Reassess at that point.

PanamaPattie · 23/01/2021 14:30

Looks like your mind is already made up. You are chasing a dream. I hope your children forgive you - remember they will choose your care home.

TatianaBis · 23/01/2021 14:30

@merrymouse

I cannot contemplate life without Ocado, Waitrose Rapid, Sainsbury’s Chop Chop, Deliveroo, sushi round the corner, Polish supermarkets, restaurants of every nationality, art galleries, museums, concerts, parks, multicultural everything, friends, social life etc.

These are all available outside London. The only thing that is less available is food delivery because it doesn't make so much economic sense in a less populated area, but it's still available near all the cities.

Most people living in London do not live next to art galleries and museums, and it takes time to travel across London. The big difference the availability and cheapness of public transport.

Food delivery is one of my no1 priorities.

Some of those things are available outside London and some are not.

There’s no Waitrose in Totnes for example. And I think the one in Torquay has closed. There’s no Waitrose Rapid or Sainsbury’s Chop Chop in my sister’s bit of Kent, nor art galleries and museums of any serious size.

You don’t have to live next to an art gallery or museum in London to be able to visit them frequently. Travelling across London is what Londoners do on a daily basis!

MarshaBradyo · 23/01/2021 14:31

Why would you dismiss your teen?

For a ‘dream house’

I don’t get how you can be divorced from her distress over it

TatianaBis · 23/01/2021 14:31

@Itsjusttoohard

Is there even an mechanism in England for children to be held back a year?. I work with troubled teens, many of whom may well benefit from a second chance at their exam years, but I've never known it happen.

Also, I wouldn't assume you'll automatically get a place at the local school.

I don’t know about the state system, it’s very easy to repeat a year in the private system if you’re young for your year.
dreamingofsun · 23/01/2021 14:32

there is massive competition for london properties, at the 400k mark at least. its a bidding war with often 30+ viewings/offers, much higher than the asking price of 'offers in the region of'. my relative has had a nightmare trying to buy somewhere because of the stiff competition

NotMeNoNo · 23/01/2021 14:34

I've managed to find the OPs updates, appreciate if the current school is the source of anxiety, it doesn't help, but there are friends, home and overall feeling of belonging to take into account too. Good luck anyway.

TatianaBis · 23/01/2021 14:34

@merrymouse

Lower availability of drugs and alcohol.

Drugs and alcohol are everywhere. The only weapon you have as a parent to combat misuse of drugs and alcohol is good communication.

Yeh they are, but it’s so much easier to get hold of drugs in London because there are so many more sources. You can just get them couriered round like Deliveroo.