Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

I would probably move. Have you considered buying your dream house and letting it out for a few years?

Haven’t rftt but I wouldn’t move my teen from his friends.

But I like city living and grew up rurally down that probably informs it too

Down = so

"I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely."

What's this based on OP?
Big pandemics tend to happen once every 100 years - the last one was the Spanish Flu about 100 years ago (I know there were smaller ones like the Hong Kong flu in the middle).
I have heard that the way humans are encroaching on nature mean they may be more frequent in future and also global travel, but you seem to jumping to conclusions.
And tiers for years? Do you not think the vaccine will work?

@2bazookas

In my lifetime experience, whenever a long term dream is serendipitously offered on a plate, it should be grabbed with both hands ( we did, and all ours turned out brilliantly, beyond our expectations, no regrets). So in your shoes I'd go.

DD's hesitations are understandable but she is not old and wise enough to make major decisions for her family. She can't grasp or imagine the future benefits to herself.

Parents, ie adults, sometimes have to make major decisions for the family's sake despite the uninformed objections of children.

And some parents and posters underestimate just how disruptive a move at this stage of their education is.

@Divebar

I don’t think people in the South West should take umbridge. It’s horses for course surely. Presumably people don’t want to move to London for as many reasons that some people don’t want to move to the country. I’m from a rural area and have no desire to go on long muddy walks - I love the ballet and theatre and art galleries and restaurants and doubt there’s another area other than a big city somewhere that would give me the range of amenities that I like. That’s not a criticism it’s just a fact. If I was a surfer or into horses my requirements would be different.

Totally this. Or do what we've done live in a vibrant city with restaurants, independent cinemas, theatre and loads of other cultural stuff which is also only half an hour from the amazing countryside of the peak district. We love hiking but also love a decent curry...☺️. The public transport is great...DD 14 can get about easily, nip to Starbucks/wagamamas with her mates, go shopping whenever she wants with minimal input from me in there form of lifts, walk to her dance school, walk to normal school, it's great. I hate driving as well which means we'll never be rural!

IME if she went to a 6th form college rather than the 6th form of a school then everyone wants to make new friends, and settling in would be much easier. There isn't a 6th form college in the South Hams as far as I know. Basically it is Totnes (KEVICS) Ivybridge, Kingsbridge or Dartmouth. Otherwise it is travelling to somewhere like Torbay, Plymouth or Exeter.

I wouldn't move a 14 year old from London to the country - it's such a crucial developmental stage where independence and peer friendships are central to their lives. I grew up rurally, and I wouldn't dream of inflicting such a move on my own London teenagers. Personally I think it would be a very selfish decision - plenty of time to follow the rural dream after the children have grown up and have some agency in their lives.

biddybird re-starting GCSEs is highly, highly unlikely to be an option in the state system.

As previous posters have said, it's a funding issue.

In fact, many schools just will not take students mid-GCSE course.

It's possible to find a school that will accept a child mid-GCSEs - but that will almost certainly be on the condition of taking something like 5 GCSEs and the child catching up on a year's work under their own steam.

This is why some children attend PRUs in the U.K. (no school place available). And why some parents end up home-schooling (parents unhappy with provision offered to them).

I can think of 3 children I know that found themselves in this position. One was moved in and out of the country by separated parents as an on-going custody issue, the other two left school mid-GCSEs for different reasons. It went fine for one - but I think he had super-human levels of resilience and was super-bright. The other two - still dealing with the fall-out.

Changing school mid-GCSE really isn't easy.

One of the ironies of a mid-GCSE change is that it requires a massive level of parental support for it to work. But, ironically, it usually happens when that level of parental support is missing.

Sheffield @Divebar?

As you say, if you don't do it now you'll be stuck for a further 11 years.

Why 11 years?

It's true that every year another child enters the exam system you effectively get locked into the school for 2 years, but with 3 children it's difficult to understand how you wouldn't have a suitable break or matching exam years for a period of 11 years.

But this poor kid will be turning up at the end of year 10 or start of year 11 so even worse.

Sorry, I meant "if you are just somebody who turned up at the end of year 9 or beginning of year 10"

Aargh!!!

If you are just somebody who turned up at the end of year 10 or beginning of year 11

I think you should listen to her, good friends are crucial.

Terrible idea.

What are the future benefits to the the OP's eldest child @2bazookas?

I'm really interested to know because I can't actually see any.

Fwiw I moved out of London when my children were tiny which has worked well but I wouldn't move them now they're teens unless I had no choice. The OP is not in that position.

It would be really selfish to move. I know that's not what you want to hear.

The umbridge is taken from the sweeping generalisation and misconceptions of what living in Devon actually means. The ridiculous statements in this thread show a lack of imagination and experience from the very people professing to be so much more open and inclusive than anyone you'd find in Devon!

Comments such as 'Devon is miles from anywhere' are demonstrably based on your starting point being London as the centre of everything. And the assertion that all young people want to leave the county as soon as they can as there are no opportunities or activities here is quite clearly nonsense.

Parts of Devon are incredibly rural, as are parts of Bedfordshire tbh. But there are also cities, towns, villages, hamlets and everything in between.

The query here is surely 'do you disrupt a child in yr 10's education?' rather than 'are all children/teens/young people in Devon at a massive disadvantage because of reduced proximity to cities mnetters deem preferable?'

I've lived in many different locations in the UK including cities in the East and West Midlands, the home counties and the SW and the quality of life in the SW is quite frankly unbeatable and I'm seriously grateful my DC get to be teens with this lifestyle. I have many friends elsewhere and can appreciate the pros and cons of their locations but they're definitely not pitying my DC for their amazing experiences on the beaches and moors of the SW!

I think the main point is whether you uproot a child in yr 10 and I don't think I'd do it. I moved schools early on in secondary and settled fine but it was before starting gcses and I think that's the sticking point here.

Definitely no and this situation happened to me. I'm originally from the midlands and desperately wanted to move back when DD was little.
We lived in North Wales, DH had a good job, DD had an idyllic childhood, lovely smallish school and friends.
We never moved and now I'm so glad we didn't. She was born and brought up in Wales and thinking back life was good, I just didn't realise at the time how good it was.
She now lives and works in London and we have left Wales. But the time was definitely right. I still cried buckets when I left the home we'd been in for 30 years though. I'm so glad we didn't move all those years ago.
I really understand that feeling too when you see a house you love up for sale, but maybe one day it'll come up again when the time is right.

I'm another one who thinks your (potential) timing is all wrong. If you honestly believe that rural living is the right thing for all of you (and to me, as a Londoner, that seems a big if) you need to move at the end of year 11 or year 13.

@gasgig

I wouldn’t do it until 6th form

I think that would be the worst time. I made great friends in secondary who remained friends in 6th form & still are to this day. I think making new friends in 6th form would be really hard.

I disagree. I moved schools after Y11 to a school in a different town where I knew literally not one person. I made the best friends of my life there- still speaking to them, not so much the "Best friends" I had in secondary.

I guess it depends on circumstances everyone I knew in London went to the 6th form attached to their school so lots of friendships formed.

@Clymene

What are the future benefits to the the OP's eldest child *@2bazookas*?

I'm really interested to know because I can't actually see any.

Fwiw I moved out of London when my children were tiny which has worked well but I wouldn't move them now they're teens unless I had no choice. The OP is not in that position.

Benefits: If OP waits until after GCSE, then DD starts a new 6th form, meets a whole new bunch of people with a different perspective on life. More laidback lifestyle, MUCH less social, academic, materialist pressure. Currently DD is at a very high achieving with a lot of pressure, that could be a major relief.

Lower availability of drugs and alcohol. Much less pollution.

Two years for 6th form, then she can always apply to London unis if she wants to go back to London ASAP, otherwise she can move there after uni if she so wants.

She may want completely different things by then.

I think you’d be utterly selfish. The time to do it was when your children were younger. Moving a child in year 10 or 11 would be a last resort for most people. The disruption to her education alone would be enough for me. I live in the country and love it with small children. I am sure they’ll be grumpy teenagers at times but they’ve grown up with it and it will be what they’ve known. To take a teenager from London at the point they could just start to enjoy it and make the most of the benefits will add salt into the wound.

I'm talking about the OP doing it now @TatianaBis - that's whar she's talking about, not waiting until her daughter has finished her GCSEs (which I agree is completely different)