Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

This gets worse and worse- it seems only ex-Londoners can be cultured! If people can't see how bigoted this thread is then I feel sorry for them (and speaking as an ex-Londoner not everyone in London is cultured (whatever that means) anyway.

Dictionary definition of "bigotry":-

the factct^ of having and expressingng^* strongng^, unreasonablele^ beliefsfs^ and dislikingng^ other peoplele^ who have different beliefsfs^ or a different way of lifefe^:

I'm so tired of such dramatic and accusatory language actually being used incorrectly and thus reducing its impact when it is used correctly and necessarily.

Preferring city life to rural life and explaining why is not "bigotry"

They'll thank you when they are grown up with kids and city jobs! You'll see them every weekend 🤣

Apart from work and pay opportunities which I think are much better I would hate to be so far from Heathrow and Gatwick, travel is much more of a hassle from Devon. That said I couldn't live in London either,

That's a good point, I love being close to the airports.

Interestingly I read recently that when you account for the higher living costs Londoners mean household income is only 1% higher than UK average.

I would actually love to move to Bristol & have all the amenities on my doorstep however we can't really leave our ageing parents.

I don’t think people in the South West should take umbridge. It’s horses for course surely. Presumably people don’t want to move to London for as many reasons that some people don’t want to move to the country. I’m from a rural area and have no desire to go on long muddy walks - I love the ballet and theatre and art galleries and restaurants and doubt there’s another area other than a big city somewhere that would give me the range of amenities that I like. That’s not a criticism it’s just a fact. If I was a surfer or into horses my requirements would be different.

@ADMum20

I wouldn’t consider moving across the country with a daughter at that age and point in schooling. I wouldn’t need to consider their feelings... it wouldn’t occur to me to do so.

Quite.

We moved from London to Cornwall many years ago but our children were tiny and not yet at school so different scenario. However I do think they had a better childhood for moving away from London and as you have two younger children it is worth considering. It may be the best thing in the long run for all of you. There are some good schools in other parts of the country and in a few years time she may be considering Uni anyway so it seems very short sighted to dismiss it on the grounds of one out of five of you who don't want to move. Some service personnel have to move all of the time and their kids grow up perfectly well. She may just be saying it because she does not know the alternative. Kids adapt normally but obviously if you ask her now she will want things to remain as they are because presumably she is happy where she is. But you and your husband aren't so she has to understand she has a voice but others in the family to consider.

Whilst I wouldn't let a teenager dictate if we moved or not then only reason I wouldn't move at the moment is because it's year 10.

I agree with merrymouse and Yuddiesorno. I’m an ex Londoner, and live in Yorkshire. It isn’t exactly a cultural desert here you know.

Also exams may not even happen this year so restarting GCSEs without the current pressure she faces sounds like a bonus

I doubt that many state schools will allow 15 year olds to restart year 10s. A private school may well do.

I suspect some posters may be a bit distant from the GCSE experience. and even then, they only had knowledge of their own GCSEs

I agree with this ^^

I'm not being funny but GCSEs aren't the most important thing in the world anyway.

I’m sorry, but for today’s 16 year olds they are more important than ever @LucyLockdown
Regardless of what happened 20 or 30 years ago, or even 10 years ago, not having at least English and maths GCSEs will severely restrict job opportunities. Why would you do that to a child?

Also Devon is rubbish for teens, there's nothing to do and not many work prospects

What, in the entire county of Devon? Not even in the larger towns and cities – Exeter? Plymouth? Other towns?

I wouldn’t do it until 6th form

I think that would be the worst time. I made great friends in secondary who remained friends in 6th form & still are to this day. I think making new friends in 6th form would be really hard.

IME if she went to a 6th form college rather than the 6th form of a school then everyone wants to make new friends, and settling in would be much easier.

I did year 10 and 11 in one year so I didn’t have to be held back a year.

The GCSE syllabus has changed in recent years and has a lot more content than when you took them. Also, the OP's DD wouldn't thrive under that kind of pressure.

my parents moved me all the time not for work reasons dont really want to go into it but it messed with my head i got anxiety which i still have

shes going to do gcses its such a bad time to move her-can you not wait a year or two

Put in an offer on the house OP, see what happens.

FWIW (and I have a 13-year-old and a younger DC as well), I'd move if that's what you and your DH want, particularly if this is your dream home.

I'm not saying ignore your DD, but there are 5 people in your family and she shouldn't be dictating what you, the DPs, think is best for everyone.

I wouldn’t do it. I live in Plymouth and both my children left to find work - well before COVID. If you are thinking of the same town as I am, it is really not the same as it was even 10 years ago. I used to harbour thoughts of moving there, but no more!

Hi OP, I live near where you want to live. I'd move if I were you. As you say, if you don't do it now you'll be stuck for a further 11 years. The schooling won't be so bad as all kids are in upheaval at the moment.

I have known people move teens abroad. Sometimes they never fitted in and blamed their parents. Sometimes it worked out well. It's a risk to move, but it is also and risk and choice to stay where you are. I believe the health and wellbeing of all should be taken into account, not simply one member of the family.

@zafferana

Put in an offer on the house OP, see what happens.

FWIW (and I have a 13-year-old and a younger DC as well), I'd move if that's what you and your DH want, particularly if this is your dream home.

I'm not saying ignore your DD, but there are 5 people in your family and she shouldn't be dictating what you, the DPs, think is best for everyone.

I assume your 13 year old is still in year 9? That’s fine to move in Year 9

A 14 year in year 10, no way.

I would not move any child in Y10 much less one that has wobbly MH. Believe me it affects the whole family if one child drops out of school and all the other knock on issues. We moved (the other way, country to city) when DS was y8. So he missed starting secondary with the new y7 cohort. He started school refusing, turned out to have ASD and a former top set student is now looking at getting no GCSEs. In his familiar environment he was coping.

Can't you wait a year?

13 year old - yes, teen in year 10 no way bar death or destitution.

I would do it and restart the GCSEs if necessary.
You'd be giving your children a great opportunity to experience life outside London.
London is not the only place in the world, although it can feel like it when you're living there!

I wouldn’t if I had a choice at this point.
I do live in the arse end of nowhere. So I am certainly not against bringing children up on the countryside.
But at this point, we don’t know what will happen with the pandemic. People saying I moved schools and it was fine - great, but you weren’t doing it in a pandemic.
You’d have to weight up the chance of her actually getting a decent amount of time in school. Otherwise she would have to get her head around trying to work out which bits of her syllabus she’d done, catch up with those that had already been covered, get to know her teachers, all online. It is hard enough for kids to study remotely when they know their teachers, and their teachers know where they are on a course. To throw a move to a new school, meeting new teachers and then trying to get your head round a new syllabus seems too much to ask, to me.

@biddybird

I would do it and restart the GCSEs if necessary. You'd be giving your children a great opportunity to experience life outside London. London is not the only place in the world, although it can feel like it when you're living there!

That would be difficult in a state school due to funding issues. She would be put into year 11, if indeed a school would accept her, and left to flounder.

I'm not being funny but GCSEs aren't the most important thing in the world anyway.

You probably can get away with doing badly in your GCSEs if you have the back up of teachers who know you and can give you a good reference and guide you towards suitable next steps.

If you are just somebody who turned up at the end of year 9 or beginning of year 10, the only thing you have to show your aptitude is your exam results.

@Hamnet

Those saying teen life in Devon would be miserable. I spent my teen years in the town we are considering. It was great. Most of my friends in walking distance, lots of house parties etc. In London non of DDs close friends are in walking distance, all a tube ride away and I’m much less likely to let her ride a tube at night than walk down a local high street.

I grew up semi-rural and it was hard not being able to go anywhere independently. It was a pain at the time, but to a certain extent I also didn't know any better. I now live somewhere where I don't even need to look at timetables because there's a bus or a tram every ten minutes and it's a revelation. However, I did see you said you're going to live in a town with a railway. I hope for your DD's sake you will actually be in the town and not in a suburb or village a couple of miles out.

I've not read all the responses BUT I would move (and did, although my eldest was year 9).

You'll probably free up equity going from London to Devon which will undoubtedly make the future easier (in many ways).

With schooling being on-line now, and possibly at further times in the future, your daughter will be able to continue the same GCSEs easily, or you could opt to electively home Ed for the last year. Alternatively she could go to a college in Devon on the 14-16 scheme. There's loads of choices - she could lodge with a friend's family for the final year Mon-Fri? A family I know did that with their eldest when they made a big move.

Of course she's distraught at the thought of it, but the way things are for teens now they could literally be living anywhere in the world and only keeping in touch with friends virtually. Once she can see that there are options to keep up with existing friends and meet new ones as well, plus all the benefits of being nearer family etc I'm sure she'll come round.

When we moved mine kept in contact almost everyday with his besties, they visited each other loads and it was fine. They're adults now and still solid friends.

Honestly I think this could work. Lots of the posts I did read sounded like the parents wouldn't do anything for fear of upsetting a teenager!!

I think as long as there was support when you first moved and you facilitated visits (when permitted) and ensured her education wasn't too disrupted (ironic at the moment!) she'll be ok. Just don't dismiss her concerns, listen and help as much as possible.

Hope whatever you all decide works well!

@merrymouse

I'm not being funny but GCSEs aren't the most important thing in the world anyway.

You probably can get away with doing badly in your GCSEs if you have the back up of teachers who know you and can give you a good reference and guide you towards suitable next steps.

If you are just somebody who turned up at the end of year 9 or beginning of year 10, the only thing you have to show your aptitude is your exam results.

But this poor kid will be turning up at the end of year 10 or start of year 11 so even worse.

So you grew up in Devon and escaped to London, if you go back you have to accept your children will escape and not return. My parents never asked us, they would move time and time again in the SE we ended up in Wales. Well I at 16 was bloody miserable, could not be arsed to do A levels, went to tech. learnt to type and got a job.

I do love living here now, raised my kids here, my kids went all over the world working, only returning briefly. However, they have now settled here with wives, children.

You go back fair enough but your kids will escape asap.

I've not read all the responses BUT I would move (and did, although my eldest was year 9). The OP's child is half way through year 10 so a very different scenario.

In my lifetime experience, whenever a long term dream is serendipitously offered on a plate, it should be grabbed with both hands ( we did, and all ours turned out brilliantly, beyond our expectations, no regrets). So in your shoes I'd go.

DD's hesitations are understandable but she is not old and wise enough to make major decisions for her family. She can't grasp or imagine the future benefits to herself.

Parents, ie adults, sometimes have to make major decisions for the family's sake despite the uninformed objections of children.