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Original poster

He has just quit his job...

399 replies

Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:06

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week Angry

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 21/01/2021 20:08

OP, I'd be exhausted and wanting to curl up and cry if I were you.

Any chance he has employee assistance programme that his boss would insist he accesses? He needs some counselling and, if your marriage is to survive, you need couples counselling.

You sound so alone and helpless.

SoulofanAggron · 21/01/2021 20:10

Make revisions how you run the family, you both need to work to share the burden so he isn’t the so he isn’t left with the burden of all the pressure

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee Oh really? You think OP doesn't do enough? And she does work. She earns £27,000 or something and that's part-time. So she must have a pretty impressive role herself.

Original poster
Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 20:12

Things did change after my last thread, for a while at least.
He took an internal change of job a few months later in 2016 which was working out ok - he complained that the job was a dead end (no progression to make MD) but it did allow him a certain amount of autonomy and he got home at a reasonable time each day - he seemed to be more relaxed and did not work evenings and weekends. He still had the odd patch of complaining about work and not knowing what to do in the future but nothing as bad as before.
We had our second child in 2017. He was fine for the whole of 2017, that was probably his happiest time in our whole marriage.
In 2018 he was told that he was at risk of redundancy and he spiralled again - he couldn't handle the thought of being made redundant and so when the voluntary package was released (and it was very generous - although he has changed jobs quite a bit internally he had been with the same company for 10 years) he decided to take it and reassess his life.
We put our house on the market then and this was going to be the big move, out of London. He was going to work in a bookshop, I would find a job too and we would live in a cheaper area in a cheaper house and have savings in the bank.
Next thing, he has taken a job (the one he has now) not back in banking but on the client side. He took it with no discussion with me.
When I queried his decision he gave me the spiel about how working in a bookshop was beneath him etc.
We took the house off the market (it hadn't sold by end of 2018 anyway) and then the plan was to move locally to a bigger house.
We put the house on the market around this time last year and found a buyer quickly.
Then Covid hit and suddenly his London centric job is pretty much all WFH (his company has even downsized their London office) and he wants to move out of London again, but somewhere he can still travel in once or twice a week. We were struggling to find somewhere bigger locally at our budget anyway and so I agreed.
I have sorted out new school, nursery and I have even applied for a job in the new town as I would still need to commute to keep my current job (I will not be allowed to WFH permanently) which worried me as I know I would still be on the hook for drop off and collections.

Typing this all out has made me realise he has pulled the rug too many times. He turns on a sixpence. I never really know where I stand. Even with quite mundane decisions -like booking a holiday, he will agree and then change his mind or he will be able excited to go somewhere/ do something but he is always disappointed when he does.
He is impossible to please.

I can still hear him now chuntering away on calls. I have just got DC to bed and I think he is expecting me to want to talk ASAP so he is making sure he is busy.

I am going to go for a walk, buy a bottle of wine and then talk to him. I think it is make or break - he needs to seek help tomorrow (whoever mentioned the work counselling line - genius- there is one, his company is quite Californian "woke" and have lots of tie ups with support organisations) or I am going to have to walk away.

I know it looks bad to outsiders but he does have redeeming qualities - he is a good father at weekends, the DC are 100% his focus then, he can be charming and kind and generous. I do think there could be autism/ adhd issues but he will not acknowledge that, I don't think.

As for our house, I am ok staying here - I have mentally moved out and so it will be hard pulling out of our sale. I have also found this lockdown really difficult and having a new start planned was actually the thing keeping me going.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 21/01/2021 20:15

Bloody hell. He just loves putting you through the wringer.

Agree with others that you need to put your foot down and cancel this move, anyhow. You didn't want to move and now you want to move even less. How can you trust him?

Honeyroar · 21/01/2021 20:20

I think you should still plan a new start to keep you going, but one where you’re in control of your own life and he can’t do this to you anymore.

PickAChew · 21/01/2021 20:21

Cross posted, obviously.

PickAChew · 21/01/2021 20:22

And I Agree. Planning a life removed from his bullshit would give you something to really look forward to.

Soulstirring · 21/01/2021 20:23

Please think of you and of the kids. You can’t live this way. Just exhausting

Original poster
Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 20:26

You know what, it is exhausting.
I have told him that several times in the past but he manages to turn it around and he has it harder - he works harder, he has all the pressure on his shoulders.
He cannot see it from my point of view.
I do everything I can to smooth his path, he throws huge boulders on mine.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/01/2021 20:29

You have a mortgage free home he can utterly f*ck off with him having it harder and it all being on his shoulders 🙄

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 21/01/2021 20:34

I’m simply trying to add a bit of balance and empathy about an adult in MH crisis
To see if there is an alternative way to support the family, can he step back a bit. He’s obviously not coping. He work pt and op work FT

Don’t move houses you don’t want or need to, stay wher you’re settled and familiar

AnneKipanki · 21/01/2021 20:40

Definitely get help . GP . Sounds like a breakdown.
Acute Distress Syndrome brought on by the impending house move .

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 21/01/2021 20:42

He is looking for some reason why he feels bad and for some change that make him feel better. He will always find something to explain it, the wrong job, the wrong house, the wrong location (maybe later on the wrong woman) But it's not the real source of his dissatisfaction so the change wont make him any happier. He will just find something else to stress and to misery about. It's who he is

I was married to this man. There was always some reason he was unhappy. He took a new job two hours away from where we lived, told me to sort it out, we moved, leaving my parents and support network behind. 6 months later it was me making him unhappy. He'd never lived me. The woman at work was the next 'fix'. He left. I'm trying to stitch my life back together. It's easier not dragging his weight even though he was 'the big provider', I provided everything else. But I'm sick here now. Two hours away from my family, the kids have settled, their dad lives near by. I'm sick somewhere i never wanted to be and I didn't even manage to keep my family together.

Don't move. Do t let him set the terms. Protect yourself and the kids.

Original poster
Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 20:42

Oh and definitely no more babies! I am in my 40's now.
They are the best thing to come out of this mess though and I will never regret having them.

OP posts:
Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 21/01/2021 20:45

Apologies for typos. Phone glitched and wouldn't let me fix them

SixesAndEights · 21/01/2021 20:45

I think if you did move house he'd hate that one too pretty quickly for some new reason.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 21/01/2021 20:46

*stuck, not sick. I'm stuck here.

partyatthepalace · 21/01/2021 20:46

Jesus Christ OP. I am very sorry... my dad was a bit like this, it did not make for fun times.

If he’s wobbly right now may be too risky to move. I hope you can get him not to quit his job for now.

He clearly is struggling to manage MH and specifically workaholism, which like any addiction is usually about avoiding pain of some sort.

Unless he is willing to engage and get help, I think you are pretty stuffed long term, and have a tough future. It’s especially worrying if he’s stopping you working and building your own financial stability.

Personally I would make him sort this out, or I would go, but that is down to my own childhood experiences.

RandomMess · 21/01/2021 20:46

It's his same pattern on repeat, this is not down to the house move.

He won't even admit to his own behaviour.

Constanza21 · 21/01/2021 20:58

I haven't RTFT but do remember the first one. I'm so sorry.

The struggling to cope with workload and inability to change does sounds a lot like ADHD - I logged in to suggest it, then saw you had. Which can be accommodated but won't ever go away.

It sounds as if you have healthy boundaries and are an excellent coper. I wish you and your children all the very best of luck.

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/01/2021 21:00

I have also found this lockdown really difficult and having a new start planned was actually the thing keeping me going.

Stay in your current house and make your new start a life without him, a life without him chopping and changing and leaving you on a knife edge. A life where you determine what happens next, not his latest whim.

SoulofanAggron · 21/01/2021 21:04

He work pt and op work FT

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee So OP has to do even more? My mum ended up doing all this for my dad- the emotional labour and then the financial burden when he quit his job, too.

Acute Distress Syndrome

@AnneKipanki Eh?

@Ungratefulwiife It sounds like you're seeing things for what they are and realize that you don't have to live this way at all. I think you deserve better from life than this. xxx

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 21/01/2021 21:04

I don't know how you ever forgive that behaviour once you get to breaking point which it sounds like you've reached.

It seems like power play, he is keeping you on your toes enough to feel like he's still in control to make him feel better about whatever it is that he isn't happy about.

I honestly hope you find a fix that works for you and your children. Whether that is with him or not. Flowers

QueenoftheAir · 21/01/2021 21:05

I’m simply trying to add a bit of balance and empathy about an adult in MH crisis

Rubbish! What about the OP who is holding it together like a superwoman? What about her MH?

Who are all the women on this thread excusing the way this man-child is behaving?

Good god, no wonder we had a global financial crisis if bankers are like this ...

SoulofanAggron · 21/01/2021 21:10

It sounds as if you have healthy boundaries

@Constanza21 This isn't a criticism of OP, as a lot of us are like it as women, I've only just started to learn not to be like it. But even if OP does have boundaries (is there evidence of that?) There's no evidence that she does anything to assert them. He's been like this for years.

@Ungratefulwiife Have you ever stood up to him and said how he's acting is not ok? What does he say? Or did you say he says you just don't understaaaaaand how hard what he chooses to have in his life is?