Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

He has just quit his job...

399 replies

Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:06

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week Angry

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 21/01/2021 21:21

It’s really easy to sit online and stridently tell op to leave her husband and pile in

I routinely read people on mn being all oh mental health really matters,#BeKind #MHMatters. Conspicuously supporting mental health. I wonder if it’s the same people who are criticising the husband, encouraging his wife to leave

Posters log off and op she is left with the real life realities of a really fraught situation

I’m not advocating the op herself get unwell or stay in untenable situation

Simply, saying take time and work out the pro/con but if it is untenable then fair enough

Or if there can be a safe,workable solution that is fair and humane both op and her husband

Lurcherloves · 21/01/2021 21:21

Having an immensely stressful job i feel sorry for your DH. Should he live a miserable existence so you get your house move? Maybe you should be grateful he’s carried on for so long when he’s found it so difficult

RandomMess · 21/01/2021 21:23

@Lurcherloves it's the H that wants the house move not the OP!!

soundofsilence1 · 21/01/2021 21:24

Your DH sounds so similar to mine. My DH has had 6 jobs in the past 9 years and I have spent so long trying to support him to find a job he is happy in. He works really long hours and gets very stressed about his work. He thinks he has ADHD and I agree although he has not been diagnosed.

I read the following article about ADHD in adults and in particular RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) linked to ADHD and recognised many of these traits, I wonder if they may also apply to your DH.
www.additudemag.com/slideshows/adhd-emotions-how-they-affect-your-life/#:~:text=Nearly%20everyone%20with%20attention%20deficit,%2Dsensitive%20dysphoria%20(RSD)%2C

My DH is particularly sensitive to criticism and gets very stressed about underperforming despite being very clever and talented in his job and frequently headhunted for high salary roles.

He will often blame me for not taking enough pressure off of him to be able to complete his work and like you I am struggling to look after the home and 2 children whilst holding down a part time job.

I am afraid I have not found any solution. The article talks about medication but my DH is not willing to consider this. I have been with him for 18 years and he has not changed. I would consider leaving him however we have a severely disabled child which complicates things. I really hope you can find a solution as it is so hard to live with.

SoulofanAggron · 21/01/2021 21:37

I have ADHD (only dagnosed a couple of years ago at 41) bipolar, autistic traits, and personality disorder traits. But I do everything I can to try and improve myself. I'd feel bad if I didn't, and have spent thousands of pounds on therapies, various meds etc even though I'm not earning.

I'd feel particularly bad if I was making loved one's lives harder than they need to be, esp. if I wasn't doing anything about it.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/01/2021 21:38

If he refused point blank to get help for his problems I'm afraid that would be the end for me and I'd be seeking a divorce. Maybe he needs an ultimatum from you.

AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN · 21/01/2021 21:48

No words of wisdom but just wanted to add my voice to the chorus saying this isn’t you. He needs to seek help. Good luck!

candycane222 · 21/01/2021 21:53

I think you are within your rights to unilaterally pull out of this house move.

Consult him first.

This is something he doesn't seem to do, which I find absolutely gobsmacking evidence of his inability - or refusal - to see you as a person. MH issues my arse. He doesn't seem to think you have rights over the decisions in your own life. I would not be able to tolerate this.

But ultimately, like consent to sex, if you're not up for it it - the house move - it doesn't happen. And he has messed you (and his boss) about inexcusably today. How many more times are you willing to let him do this to you?

DobbinsBobbins · 21/01/2021 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 21/01/2021 21:57

Have you pulled out of the house move? Do not go through with it. You are secure in as much as you are currently mortgage free. Don't move to a place you aren't set on which is away from your job and support.

If you do nothing else for now, just do that.

candycane222 · 21/01/2021 21:57

And yes, maybe he does have mental health issues. But presumably he's not stupid, so he must be well aware of how unreasonably he is treating OP. Therefore, not getting help means he is accepting that it's ok to go on being an arse towards her. Which makes him an arse.

mathanxiety · 21/01/2021 21:58

What you have on your hands (amply illustrated by your post of Thu 21-Jan-21 20:12:32) is a chaos maker.
Typing this all out has made me realise he has pulled the rug too many times. He turns on a sixpence. I never really know where I stand.

........

You know what, it is exhausting.
I have told him that several times in the past but he manages to turn it around and he has it harder - he works harder, he has all the pressure on his shoulders.
He cannot see it from my point of view.
I do everything I can to smooth his path, he throws huge boulders on mine.

YY to all of that. I could have written your post twenty years ago.

He inflicts chaos on you and your young family in order to keep you perpetually worried, perpetually on the back foot, perpetually focusing on him and his needs, unable to devote your full energy to the children or your job.

My only advice is to divorce. This will not get better. It doesn't matter if it's ADHD or anything else. Your marriage is not based on mutual respect and that is because he has not accepted that it has to be.

Cut your losses. Your DCs are almost ready for full time school. You have time to create a new life for yourself.

mathanxiety · 21/01/2021 22:00

And DO NOT go ahead with the house move. That would be insane.

Stay where you are.

Woollypulley · 21/01/2021 22:06

I'm going to take your DH side here because like him I have been in 15 years of jobs I hate and have workaholic tendencies. Very possible I have ADHD since my DS exhibit similar tendencies (temper, impulsiveness) but also, hey, most high earning jobs are visible and they suck. There is always an overhanging expectation to prove your worth since you are paid well and it's stressful to prove that worth.

I do not expect my DH to bend over backwards to support my career but I expect him to support me, especially the past 5 times when I go into depressive tearful downswings and quit without any plans. Every winter all I talk about is quitting next year. It's always worked out ok in the sense that I end up getting headhunter back into similar stuff again! And depressed again. Vicious cycle.

You say you bent over backwards to support his career. But to me that sounds like your own choice. If you told him you wanted to have a go and pursue your own career, I'm sure he would have said, fine, let's get a nanny/help in. Or maybe he'd put his hand up and say ooh, I wanna be a sahp or go part time since I hate my job.

I'd never buy a house where I wasnt contributing at least equally to the equity and mortgage. In any case, I'd let him handle the whole chain breaking. In a way it's worked out better since you didnt want to move in the first place?

DobbinsBobbins · 21/01/2021 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Woollypulley · 21/01/2021 22:23

Ah I didnt read that. Adhd me!
Well in that case I eat my words and say ugh, what a loser.

mathanxiety · 21/01/2021 22:24

I expect him to support me, especially the past 5 times when I go into depressive tearful downswings and quit without any plans.

That is grossly unfair of you, and to assert that it is a partner's choice to support is taking the piss.

MadameMiggeldy · 21/01/2021 22:25

This is something he doesn't seem to do, which I find absolutely gobsmacking evidence of his inability - or refusal - to see you as a person. MH issues my arse. He doesn't seem to think you have rights over the decisions in your own life. I would not be able to tolerate this

This

GabsAlot · 21/01/2021 22:27

no offence op hes been doing this for 5 years he wont change he just doesnt want to work but wants kudos of a big house

if he wont get help then you havent got many choices

Maxiedog123 · 21/01/2021 22:30

It sounds like tempting though it would be to make him do the process to pull out of new house sale you couldn't trust him to actually do it.
Make the calls yourself.

thenightsky · 21/01/2021 22:35

no offence op hes been doing this for 5 years he wont change

OP says he's been doing this for 18 years! Shock

Candleabra · 21/01/2021 22:36

@Maxiedog123

It sounds like tempting though it would be to make him do the process to pull out of new house sale you couldn't trust him to actually do it. Make the calls yourself.
I would do this. Take back some control. At the moment you're white water rafting, no idea where you'll end up.
Redshoeblueshoe · 21/01/2021 22:37

18 years ! You deserve better than this.

harknesswitch · 21/01/2021 22:41

Tbh I'd pull out of the house sale now anyway, even if he's said he's not quit. You'll be absolutely buggered once in the house if he did do something stupid like quit without another job to go to. It also means you won't have the luxury of the savings to get yourself the house and him out if it.

Your whole relationship seems to revolve around him, his wants, wishes, his moods and behaviour. Seems like you and the dc are simply bringing up the rear and facilitating whatever it is he wants. Your poor dc having to face changing schools, then he changes his mind, and then changes it back again. Bugger that!

PickAChew · 21/01/2021 22:41

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Have you pulled out of the house move? Do not go through with it. You are secure in as much as you are currently mortgage free. Don't move to a place you aren't set on which is away from your job and support.

If you do nothing else for now, just do that.

I don't think anyone is pulling out of anything at 10pm.
Swipe left for the next trending thread