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Original poster

He has just quit his job...

399 replies

Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:06

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week Angry

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 21/01/2021 18:49

What a depressing thread - both your old one and this one. Absolutely nothing has changed since your last thread, apart from you’ve had another child with him.

He sounds like a millstone around your neck. He loves moaning but does nothing to get to the real root of his unhappiness and has no intention of really helping himself.

What a mess.

I really hope you’ll be on to the estate agent first thing in the morning to tell them the sale of your house won’t be going through, but I have a feeling you’ll be posting again in another couple of years having moved and maybe had another child too. I hope not.

QuantumQuality · 21/01/2021 18:51

How on earth do you remain calm? It’s like advanced gaslighting to walk in and pretend he hasn’t quit. Lucky he has an understanding boss.

IdrisElbow · 21/01/2021 18:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

QueenoftheAir · 21/01/2021 19:03

He is feeling under pressure to provide, potentially in a job he hates. He may have moved jobs many times but imagine having moved jobs and still not being happy, knowing your wife is getting fed up with your unhappiness and wants a bigger and better house that only your wage, which you hate earning, will pay for.

This is rubbish @TheGracefulwhale - the OP has said that her DH wants her not to work at all - he would rather she is a SAHM to be there completely for his support.

OP I hope you find a way through this, but you sound awfully close to losing yourself. Your DH is an adult, he needs to grow up. BUt you need to work out what you want in the situation.

It doesn't sound as if he'll change. What do you want?

BestWatcherInTheUnit · 21/01/2021 19:08

Is he a lawyer, by any chance?

Sceptre86 · 21/01/2021 19:08

There is clearly something ongoing on with him mental health wise, sounds like there always has been? Have his family never mentioned his ways?

Tbh both posts make for a depressing read. He is a dead weight, shacking you to loads of uncertainty and you are basically a single parent. I would ditch the shackles and live your own life. Aside from the money he brings in what else does he do for your family, for you or the children? You have done well keeping your job and earning well despite being the only available parent, you are more than capable of doing this alone because frankly you are anyway.

I couldn't live a life like this, I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. I only hope it won't be another post in 5 years about how little he has changed. You can't help him if he doesn't recognise he needs the help!

Hawkins001 · 21/01/2021 19:16

It's most unusual, if check with his boss, then I'd it's business as normal, then I'd say yes it's very very unusual, but as long as the wheels are back on the train then that's the main priority.

BackwardsGoing · 21/01/2021 19:18

Bye OP, see you in 5 years time when you have 3 kids, living in a house and town you hate and your life has been dictated by your husband's moods.

Ohthatoldchestnut · 21/01/2021 19:18

It sounds like he will never be happy whatever happens (awaits later post saying how he hates the new place...). And when someone is like that it can feel like you're being pulled under by a drowning man (who has access to a life raft but refuses to use it). It's exhausting. You may feel sad if you leave him, but you will probably also feel lighter. Do you want his behaviour and inconsistency (and your tolerance of it) to be the example your kids see when it sounds like you've got it together and would do well alone?

Ohthatoldchestnut · 21/01/2021 19:23

So I just read your previous post and it actually sounds like he may have adult ADHD. Just a thought but maybe something to look into if you're at your wits end but don't want to walk away just yet...

CryingHelps · 21/01/2021 19:26

@Ungratefulwiife - you are not an ungrateful wife. Just listen to all these posts.
Its very unfortunate that there is an immediate deadline to all this - the house sale. I think unless he was having a mental breakdown, I couldn't forgive him. In genuine people you can sense this and understand but from what you've said, it's just a catalogue of excuses. Enough is enough!

Regularsizedrudy · 21/01/2021 19:31

Oh gosh op, I don’t know how you have coped. If my husbanded behaved like this I would have nervous break down

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/01/2021 19:34

Nothing has changed since your last thread, apart from you’ve had another child

Stupid of me not to have read the previous thread before posting

I'm out ...

MeowPurrGrr · 21/01/2021 19:39

I quit my job, a nurse working in ITU, a week before Christmas (I was signed off with severe anxiety and not been back since) and the middle of a pandemic because my mental health is more important, maybe his is too.
Talk to him, he’s obviously struggling and needs support.

TheABC · 21/01/2021 19:40

Why do you bend over backwards for him?
When does he put you first?
What do you get out of this marriage?

SoulofanAggron · 21/01/2021 19:41

As if it had never happened- yes that's how a*holes act, and you are supposed to act as if it never happened too. Maybe consider telling him how his strop left you feeling and that this needs to stop happening? I definitely think you still shouldn't take the new house, as sooner or later he will quit his job. Even if he then gets another one eventually for a couple of years and so on, it'd still be a lot of worry and stress for you. He's lucky his boss put up with that. Loads of people are looking for work right now, his boss could've said 'you've resigned now' and hired someone who doesn't do that and wants the job.

I haven't had chance to read the other thread- just heard from PP's about the cottage thing. Wow! Appalling.

How much are you prepared to put with @Ungratefulwiife ?

Nothing ungrateful about you BTW; I hope your choice of name is tongue-in-cheek.

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/01/2021 19:43

OP if I were you I'd pull out of the house purchase anyway. Many of us have pointed out that when (you thought) he'd quit his job, it was actually a blessing that it was two weeks before the house move, so that you weren't stuck in a house you didn't want and with no savings.

I wonder if he's had the same thought? And realised that not having a job would have to be declared to the mortgage company? Whereas if he 'goes back' and tells you he never left, you'll go ahead with the purchase and he'll have the grand house he wants and then he really will quit after another two weeks. When the mortgage company can't do anything and yes you are stuck in a situation you don't want.

Even if his thinking isn't that deliberate, it could still happen. I'd recommend putting any guilt about the chain out of your mind, and stay where you are where you have some stability.

BillMasheen · 21/01/2021 19:50

He is feeling under pressure to provide, potentially in a job he hates. He may have moved jobs many times but imagine having moved jobs and still not being happy, knowing your wife is getting fed up with your unhappiness and wants a bigger and better house that only your wage, which you hate earning, will pay for

Stop projecting and read what’s written

HE wants to move. The OP does not.

HE is uprooting her forma house she likes in an area she knows.

HE has never liked any job, ever

She wants to work more hours and take on more responsibility for earning. He is preventing that.

She actually offered him to get a bookshop job (his supposed dream job) whilst she took on the main earning responsibility. He was having none of it.

If she bends over backwards any more, she’d need to join a bloody circus

BadNomad · 21/01/2021 19:56

He is so stressful. 18 years of that? No thanks. You'd be crazy to trap yourself with a bigger mortgage with someone who can't cope with work, unless you can carry the load yourself.

crossfitjunkie · 21/01/2021 19:57

As hard as this is. Cancel the move if he hasn't. Do not uproot yourself from your support network and neighbourhood until you know where you stand. Do you really want to start a new life in a place you don't know with an utterly unreliable and unsupportive husband who doesn't communicate?

Do you want to continue your relationship with him?

If you do, Riot act-things like resignations and cancelling house move are joint family decisions and not to be done on a whim. Not normal behaviour gp and helps himself get better. Or you are done. He has to believe you mean it.

bringbacksideburns · 21/01/2021 20:00

I couldn't live like this.

You do realise he's never going to change don't you? Moaning, complaining and threatening to quit work constantly is who he is.
It's become part of him and you are his captive audience.

You are working virtually full time and looking after two small children whilst having to put up with his selfish drama. He doesn't resolve anything, he doesn't help himself.

If i were you it would be ultimatum time - things need to change or he'd be gone.

waterproofed · 21/01/2021 20:03

This is an insane level of stress and drama with a good dose of maddening gaslighting.

Do you want this to be your life? Do you want this to be your children's life?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 21/01/2021 20:06

Try take a balanced view and see the pressure he’s under,he’s having a MH crisis
The pressure of work,being sole earner,his preexisting personality traits and a house move are enough to tip any one over the edge
Instead of all the knee jerk leave him advice, take a step back and have a think what can be done to support you,him and the family unit
Make revisions how you run the family, you both need to work to share the burden so he isn’t the so he isn’t left with the burden of all the pressure
Get him to have a GP consultation (it can be online)
Get signed off work to stabilise himself

I wish you both well

SoulofanAggron · 21/01/2021 20:06

^I quit my job, a nurse working in ITU, a week before Christmas (I was signed off with severe anxiety and not been back since) and the middle of a pandemic because my mental health is more important, maybe his is too.
Talk to him, he’s obviously struggling and needs support.^

@MeowPurrGrr None of us would have a problem if this was a one-off or if he wasn't constantly pulling a strop. But OP has put up with years of this, even him disappearing for months to decide what he wants.

It's already been over a decade too long- OP is a person too whose happiness and life is just as important as his.

Should marriage mean having a life sentence for a woman in this day and age? I don't think so.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 21/01/2021 20:08

I mean main not sole earner,I appreciate they both work