He has just quit his job...

[Ungratefulwiife]

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

I vaguely remember your other thread. He strikes me as a person who hates his life. What he'd really like is to work in a bookshop, but for whatever reason he feels he has to be a person with a big house, a high-powered career and a SAHM for a wife, presumably because these are the expectations he's internalised from his 'traditional' family. I've met people like this before and they are very hard to live with. Everything becomes a can't-do-this-because-of-that/can't-do-that-because-of-this kind of stalemate. Often they make themselves ill because they end up somatising all of their loathing for themselves and their lives. Most of all, they require those around them to be bit-part players in the drama of their lives that they are constantly writing, rewriting and directing in their heads.

I don't think it's impossible for him to turn this around, but it's not going to be a quick fix and would probably take years of therapy. If you can't afford the new house on your salary (and are disinclined to try anyway), I think there is no question of the house move going ahead, even if he changes his mind for now and withdraws his resignation. Even having set that aside, I think supporting him while he undertakes that personal journey sounds like a step too far for you. You've already supported him through years and years of unbelievably selfish behaviour. He sounds very psychologically stunted. How long have you got to go through this before he makes any progress?

And all of that supposes that he wants to anyway. He's had two long sabbaticals to get his head together and shows no sign of developing any insight into his choices. I suppose you could sit him down and read him the riot act, a kind of final ultimatum, but I'm not sure it will change him unless he recognises the need for change himself and commits to making it happen. Good luck with that!

I think I would let him go ahead with those calls pulling out of the house move, offer a prayer up tonight for all the other people in the chain who will have their plans fucked up, and get some advice from a divorce lawyer asap. Your idea about him making over the house to you and taking the savings sounds excellent if you can get it signed, sealed and delivered, and I can see it would appeal to his inner carefree woodsprite too. Then you can focus on your children and your own career for once.

Sorry for your troubles. At least he dropped the bomb before exchange.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Sounds like a mental breakdown. Workaholics get them...it’s also called burnout. I’d be insisting he sees GP and gets signed off for stress for two weeks to give him time for decisions. You might want to pull out of upsizing. If he hates the current house, and you do too. There is no reason why you can’t move to a similar sized but nicer home. A compromise between wiping out savings and keeping it all.

He's already taken two periods, one of three months and one of four, to give him time. It hasn't changed anything. And the OP doesn't hate the current house. She'd be happy to stay there.

I just can't get over the fact that he fucked off to a cottage for 3 months to 'think"

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if his behaviour is due to MH conditions or just arseholeness.

Whatever it is, it is making the OP very very unhappy.

I honestly think you need a break from him, to just sit back, relax, and make your own life choices for a while. It sounds exhausting and maybe you need to stop enabling him to behave like this...........

I honestly think you need a break from him, to just sit back, relax, and make your own life choices for a while

Preferably all alone in a cottage by the sea, for seven months.

You need to take a look at your dh and just consider the facts:

1. He has never been happy in any job
2. He isn't happy in your house
3. The last time he threatened to quit his job was just after you had your first child. He put you under enormous stress and made it all about him. Again.
4. He left old job because he hated it. He now doesn't think he is paid enough so he has quit new job so now is bring in NOTHING.
5. Yet again he threatens to plunge you both into financial despair, just as your were about to buy a new house, a house move that was his idea.
6. He once rented a cottage by the sea to navel-gaze.
7. He wants you to be a SAHM and has made it very hard for you to work. And yet he still feels entitled to through off he assumed role of breadwinner as and when the mood takes him.

He is an utter, self-absorbed, grade A wanker. He will never change, people never do. He thinks he is something special so why would he want to change anyway?

He isn't just showing you who he is, he has put on a full am-dram show for you.

What a nightmare.

I would def stop the house move.

Offer him an ultimatum or choice - stay, seek help, sign off sick for a few weeks ans then see if medication/therapy help him.

Or go. You keep the current house, he takes savings to the value of the current house and half what’s left in savings between you.

Then he can be a workaholic as much as he likes wherever he likes with no interruptions- but get a good family lawyer to ensure he pays for his kids ongoing beyond this immediate separation of finances.

Do not be tempted to give him all savings just for an easy life.

I'm married to a very similar man who is never happy in his job, he has changed jobs at least 6 times since I've known him. I've supported him through all of these including paying all bills while he started his own business which he then left because he wasn't happy. He is now retraining to do something completely unrelated and does college twice a week in the evenings. When he then goes on to become qualified I can guarantee he will be unhappy within a year. It is who he is. He was the same with our old house, it wasn't good enough for him and he badgered me to move for years and years and now we have moved into a new house and he is still unhappy. The point I'm getting to is run he won't change and I'm only staying until covid is over and my son can go back to school and then I can get a full time job. What your dh has done is show you he controls all the cards by pulling out at the last minute he has been cruel to you by getting all your hopes up and letting you down at the last moment.

I don't have time to write much but he came home whilst we were out getting some fresh air and is acting like nothing happened.

He is back at his desk, headset on, back to back calls.

He skulked down to get his dinner a minute ago and I asked what was going on, hadn't he quit? (In his type of job if you quit you leave immediately and go on gardening leave). He said no, of course not. Then promptly returned to his desk.

He hasn't spoken to the GP as far as I can tell as they called the landline because he wasn't picking up his mobile.

WTAF 🤷🏻‍♀️

Its only a few posters saying OP should lie down and take another good kicking from this self absorbed prick; sometimes its good to see that people exist who really do think that a man like this would need a nice hug and another 6 months off work. I should imagine they also think that during the 6 months OP should REALLY step up and provide more foot massages, make sure the kids are kept quiet etc.

I'd put a fiver on him changing his mind this evening after his mood changes and the house move will be back on.
His reaction to stress is to control others by kicking off like a toddler.

I resign!
And the family can *k off too because I'm pulling the house move!
So there!
(sulks in corner until his boss and the Mrs cajole him out with a bowl of icecream).

It's like Trump. You have to suffocate his means of 'expression'.
Because his continuous expression of it feeds the addiction to acting out.

Therefore when he starts complaining, shut it down by saying
'I hear that you are angry. But I cannot help you with that. Really, think about counselling it might really help. Or why don't you write it down, that might help. Now, I have to go and clean the bathroom'.

Well if he is on gardening leave he can enjoy a half term of home schooling the children, doing everything a SAHM/D does whilst you can build up to working full-time so that your career is not affected any further due to his demands that only he can do 9 hour days!

You said you are thinking of offering him all the savings to fuck off and in exchange you keep the house. You can manage financially if you do that. Can you visualise how you'd feel say a month after him moving out, the house is yours, your life is yours and your future is yours?

he sounds very hard work

@Ungratefulwiife - just to echo a previous poster - I don’t think you sound at ALL ungrateful - you have given 100% support to your dh for 18 years - despite the toll it is taking on you.

I am so sorry he has done this to you yet again - you deserve so much more than this.

If I were you, I wouldn't be willing to carry on with the marriage unless he faces up to all the issues he has caused, sees clearly what his issues are, and takes major steps to tackle them.

Op that is not reasonable behaviour by your DH. He cannot pretend that nothing happened earlier.
Will his boss put up with him just appearing back like nothings happened?

I'm wondering how your DH would react if you ask him straight up what's going on? If he pretends nothing did happen then he is manipulating you. That is not acceptable.

@Kitfish

Your DH has clearly been struggling for a while. I guess something was the straw that broke the camel's back and he's quit. I understand how he feels: I was in a high paid, high pressure job 10 year's ago trying to hold it all together. One day I just got to the point where I couldn't carry one, so I quit. I earned 10x my DH's salary at the time. I got his unconditional understanding, love and support.

Shame on the PP's telling you to divorce him for this. Your DH can't cope with the pressure. He is making a change before the new house purchase commits him for years. He needs your understanding and support not your fury. As for the house - it's just a house. There will be others. He will also get another job and - as you have said - as things stand you have savings.

So - give him a hug and help him sort his head out and then support him while he find's a role that doesn't overwhelm him. You can then look for a (possibly cheaper) house together when he is more mentally stable.

For better for worse. For richer for poorer after all.

She's done this. It isn't a one off. It's a pattern of behaviour. He has no interest in or intention of sorting his head out. Or if finding himself a less stressful job.

OP, sounds like your husband is a trader. If you had enough by all means get a divorce, but the guy is definitely on the verge of breakdown. Let things calm down first before you leave if this is what you intend to do. Your kids still need a functioning dad.

I would give him 3 options.1. Ring boss and say he did not mean it.

1. Ring GP make appointment for mental health assessment.
2. If he refuses the above, tell him I can not live like it any longer. Split up.

How awful, I feel so sorry you and your family.
It seems to me like he's having some sort of breakdown, and like you say there are some MH issues going on there. However he has got to face up to it and get some sort of treatment quickly before things get worse.
If he's unwilling to do that, for your own sanity, and your kids' safety you have to begin wondering if you want to stay in that relationship.

He ... is acting like nothing happened. He is back at his desk, headset on, back to back calls
I asked what was going on, hadn't he quit? ... He said no, of course not. Then promptly returned to his desk

He sounds like one of hose crazy fairground rides, OP - a lot of fun to begin with, but in the end you just want to get off

Since you've already had 18 years of this and he's done nothing to address it, I'm with the PP who said it may be time to unhitch yourself from this ridiculous situation
That may not be pleasant or easy, but would it really be harder than this?

OP, it’s been 18 years. You now have 2 DC. He won’t change. How do you want to spend the rest of this one precious life on earth that you have?

My DP was stressed like this before we bought our house. We struggled a lot with money in the early days, and were skint more often than not. We built up savings over the years when he became self employed, so when it came to putting most of it down on a house he had a mini meltdown. I had to convince him the money wasn’t ‘lost’ but just invested, in property. Your DH may be panicking because the savings provide him with a cushion should he decide to leave his job, and he knows that if the money is taken away, that option is removed, and he will have to carry on in a job he hates. I would be furious, but let’s hope he has calmed down now and your house move will happen. What a nightmare!

Her kids don't have a functional dad now. All they have is a workaholic. They need a functional mum so at least they've one functional parent. Not a mum who's in turmoil having had her brain mashed up by his mind games.

OP if you don't want to move, cancel the house sale. Telling you he didn't quit is lying and this whole episode has been really quite manipulative. He's gone back to his version of normal and you're left in turmoil. Like a cat toying with a mouse. He let you believe he was going to rip your world apart, actually took steps towards doing it. But you're the daft one for getting upset? I think not.