For those of you childfree , do you regret not having children?

[Seaair2]

Interested to hear from those of you who are slightly older.

I’m mid 30s and I have never really seen myself being a biological parent. I like children, more so in smaller doses! I am open to step children in the future or even adoption sometimes, or being a teacher , sort of feel like my calling is to help children who are already here does that sound silly?

I just don’t think the full time responsibility (obviously this would happen with adoption) is something that is for me. I don’t know how parents balance it all! I can be quite an anxious person and I think I’d be worrying non stop!!

But my view seems to be looked down on in society because it’s still the norm to have children. I wish it was more common for people to be childfree for there to be more balanced views!

Nope.. never regretted it and I'm 41 now
I have plenty of children in my life and see my nieces and nephews regular (pre-Covid) and now almost daily on FaceTime, I love the bones of them but I've never wanted my own children, luckily my husband has always agreed

I'm 47, we have two teens now but I never had a strong urge before children for them. Once I had them, the hormones were very very strong. Love, protect, etc

Now they are a bit older, I can look at it a bit more balanced. If I hadn't have met a good bloke, been fertile, etc I would not have chased having children.

If I hadn't have had children my life would not be better or worse, it would have been different. I've been a great parent but it's come at a huge personal cost. Aside from the grunt work, the mental load is immense. My childfree life would have been amazing, but I guess also come at a price, different currency?

45 and no I'm so pleased I don't have children. I'm so glad it didn't happen in the time period I did foolishly allow myself to 'try' for.

I never felt maternal, I never enjoyed others children particularly. I did then get married to a man with a young child and did my best with them and we did 'try'. My heart was never honestly in it. I would have made changes to my life to help had I wanted it, and when it didn't happen naturally I did not push at all for further assistance. For that I am so thankful.

The glimpse I had as a step parent made me sure I didn't want that responsibility, I don't enjoy children. I love my life. I don't regret it at all. I can be selfish. I'm free to enjoy life with my partner the way we choose.

I wish everyone was as self aware as you and really gave parenthood serious thought, rather than just falling into it as some people do

Yes you make a good point.
I'd like to say something like this to those that ask goady questions but it would cause havoc

Now if I'm pushed on the subject after I give my response I tend to just keep smiling and shrugging my shoulders til they get bored.

Different experience to other posters...I was happily childfree until an unexpected pregnancy in late 30s. My partner and I had been together for 11 years at this point. We were happy and content. Now I'm a parent to a 8 month old. Am I happy- yes. Would I have been happy without him- yes.

So many people have implied or even just said straight out 'see I told you being a parent was the best thing ever and you would have been missing out'. When I point out that I would have been equally content without him they wrongly take it to mean I wish I'd never had him. It's obviously different for everyone but for me being a parent or not being one were just 2 different versions of life, both with happy endings.

However, what I've realised is the pressure from society to conform doesn't go away. I already get asked constantly about 'number 2' and looked down upon or made to feel bad because there won't be a number 2 as we are opting for a more permanent form of contraception. He is only 8 months old and already I'm sick of being told he will be lonely or I'll change my mind. It never ends!

If I hadn't have had children my life would not be better or worse, it would have been different
Great way to put it. I'm writing that down to keep for future pitying conversations

Absolutely not, I have no regrets. Never wanted kids, cannot begin to imagine my life with them.

My friend has 4 under 10s, a full time demanding job and a husband who works unsociable hours. To me, her life seems nothing but chaos and hassle.

I have a full time, demanding job and a partner who works unsociable hours, in contrast I feel my life is calm and ordered.

Obviously she loves her kids and her life, but I just cannot imagine living it.

God no.

I'm late fifties and have never had a single flicker of maternal feeling.

My views on people with kids or without kids is without any judgements. I’m not that way inclined. Even if someone shot me down on here for my comments, I’d get it. Regret isn’t something I say lightly. I’ve not slept properly since youngest was born. Sex life, done. Arguments galore. Differences of opinion on disciplining the 4 year old. Me and my wife are both professionals with a good income. We live the life most would dream of, nice house, cars blah blah (I’m from a very poor background so appreciate all I have) were both well travelled etc but I can’t help wonder how much better it would have been but that’s pointless. Our relationship consists of “handover” periods between shifts, we never eat together, we never do anything together, our only conversation is child related. My wife recently admitted she’s got lazy with our relationship because she’s tired. As am I. Most of the time we exist together, we aren’t living.
Having kids has it’s moments but for me they’re precisely that..moments. I’ll do my utmost best for them both to never see or feel my emotions about this and I’ll make sure they have the best lives and care love and attention any loving parent would want but I still love my own time. These days, this is genuine. I have to lock myself in a toilet in the house and pray it takes them a moment to realise I’m in there to just get that moment of peace before the crying screaming and constant shouts of “dad dad where are you dad”.

Absolutely not.

I love having DH to myself

But in all seriousness, no. I don't see any positives for myself. I couldn't bare the loss of freedom and spontaneity.

@BumbleBiscuit

I’m mid-30s and being childfree (by choice) is pure bliss! My husband and I have the most wonderful life together. Lots of disposable income, in normal times lots of holidays (6 or so a year not including mini-breaks). We sleep as long as we want, binge watch movies and TV shows, we can have sex whenever (and wherever) we want.

I can’t think of a single con!

Sounds like heaven! I'll save this and show it to DH if we ever miraculously become a tad broody

Pastnowfuture
I've seen the same thing play out with my sister. Unexpected pregnancy in 30s. Long term partner. After baby they seemed happy.
Then she felt pressured to have number 2 as 'thats what you do' ..then had a third. is late 30s and is absolutely miserable constantly saying they cant cope. Screw everyone else. If one baby is enough for you then that's that.
He wont be lonely.

My sister is a very unpleasant person and I essentially spent my childhood alone at home as she never bothered with me.

Mid fifties - known from a very early age I never wanted kids and have never changed my mind. Don't have a maternal bone in my body - small children bore me to tears. Only have to read threads on here about people struggling with teens to know it's not for me.

Also, and I've made this point on here before, people who don't have children seem to put a lot more thought into the decision than many who do have children. And there are many who do have children who definitely shouldn't have.

@reprehensibleme

Mid fifties - known from a very early age I never wanted kids and have never changed my mind. Don't have a maternal bone in my body - small children bore me to tears. Only have to read threads on here about people struggling with teens to know it's not for me.

Snap!

The good thing is I've never had any pressure from family or friends , must be that everyone has realised I'm not mother material in the slightest! I can never remember any time in my life , even as a child, when I thought I would have children.

@NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace

As soon as I can't look after myself, I am going to Dignitas.

I'll share the taxi

Book a minibus, I’m coming too

Tiggy.
I'm 70 no kids but had a miscarriage at 28.Very upset at the time but over the years have realised that we are a lot closer as a couple than most of our friends with kids due to stresses and strains, money etc.
Happy retired now we bought a house travelled etc.We are lucky though.Your comment about being lonely in old age shocked me a bit though There's no guarantee any child / children would look after you or even live in the same country.
No regrets here

So good to read this thread. I'm mid-30s and I still can't make up my mind.
I love my life of being able to do what I want, travelling, sitting reading a book, long baths, me and DP eating out often, having disposable income etc.
Friends are having babies and I do find them very cute, but then the thought of being a 'Mum at the school kids' and running around after them doesn't feel like me at all! But then the thought of having an adult child in my later life feels nice. I don't have a big family at all, and had a crappy childhood, so keep thinking finally having a 'family' would be nice. But I could end up a single parent.
I think if I did have a child I would definitely 100% only have 1. I just can't decide what to do and feel time is running out for me to make up my mind

I’m mid forties and I’ve never regretted it for a nanosecond. Hopefully the combination of my age and my implant will mean it never happens. As soon as I was old enough to know that girls have babies, I was like “no thanks”.

Apart from not liking children, I’m just too lazy. It seems like an awful lot of effort, and I’m not one for effort. I just can’t comprehend putting someone else’s needs before my own for EIGHTEEN YEARS.

I now have a niece and nephew, both under 8. I can tolerate them for an hour but they never make me wish I had one of my own.

I was asked to be a godmother twice, but turned it down on the basis that a godparent is supposed to take the child in to live with them if the parents die, and I knew I wouldn’t want them living with me, so told the parents that the children would be better off with a godmother who could fulfil their duties if required.

When people say “you’ll regret not having children” my reply is “I’d rather regret not having having children than regret having them.”

I think we are very lucky to have reliable / well tolerated contraception that gives us choices. Kids / no kids is a lifestyle choice now. Society just needs to catch up with that concept.
About the elderly care aspect - I am one of many kids, and only one of us has stayed in the same country as our now elderly and widowed DM.

@Notimeforaname

My husband and I went through a lot of family deaths on his side recently and I said, “Can you imagine doing all this shit if we had kids too?” His reaction was “No fucking way.”

Yes I was thinking the same thing with my partner all through this pandemic. Watching friends with kids.
I lost my job last march and haven't been able to work since and I just keep repeating..imagine doing this with kids??!!

EXACTLY. At the time we were living in mainland Europe and he kept having to travel back and forth between there and the UK to go visit family and take of family affairs/funeral arrangements. He was so stressed and tired as hell. It was hard enough for me to "keep the home fires burning" as it was, there's no way we could have done with that with an extra small human to take care of and keep alive. That shit is for the birds.

I’m early 40’s and definitely no regrets about not having kids. I have two young nieces I adore and see regularly (well, not so much at the moment!) My Mum was a childminder for 10 years when I was younger and while she loved it and was very good at it, I saw how much work and commitment kids are! My lifestyle and finances as an adult would have made kids a challenge too and getting pregnant unexpectedly was always a bit of a fear of mine! I’m 41 and a widow now so people have finally stopped asking if/when I’m going to have kids!

No regrets. Now post menopause and love my nephews and nieces but don't regret having my own one bit.
Posts on here throughout the pandemic including homeschooling just reiterates that I made the right choice for me.

Thanks for starting this thread, OP. I'm mid 30s and never been remotely maternal. DP and I are leaning towards not having any, neither of us particularly like children. Sometimes I toy with the idea, particularly as I know 10(!) women with babies due this year, but there's just no aspect of it that seems appealing.

The only time I really wobble is when I think about our life in old age, especially if DP goes first. Will I be left lonely and housebound? What if I can't advocate for myself? But having kids so there's someone around when you get old is a terrible reason, and no guarantee of a good old age. Besides, DPs grandmother is 93 and has outlived her husband and both her children.

I found the book "Do You Have Kids? Life When the Answer is No" by Kate Kauffman very useful, especially about planning for old age.

When people say “you’ll regret not having children” my reply is “I’d rather regret not having having children than regret having them.”

Yes - that!