For those of you childfree , do you regret not having children?

[Seaair2]

Interested to hear from those of you who are slightly older.

I’m mid 30s and I have never really seen myself being a biological parent. I like children, more so in smaller doses! I am open to step children in the future or even adoption sometimes, or being a teacher , sort of feel like my calling is to help children who are already here does that sound silly?

I just don’t think the full time responsibility (obviously this would happen with adoption) is something that is for me. I don’t know how parents balance it all! I can be quite an anxious person and I think I’d be worrying non stop!!

But my view seems to be looked down on in society because it’s still the norm to have children. I wish it was more common for people to be childfree for there to be more balanced views!

@eaglejulesk

I do sometimes think that I’m not a proper functioning adult though - I am single, don’t earn a huge amount, live in rented accommodation. Whereas my neighbours, who are a similar age, have the big house, the kids, the SUV, the weekends out together, and I do feel a bit like I’ve not quite reached adulthood, if that makes sense.

Wow - you sound just like me, and I'm 61!!!! Wondering when I'll ever get there.

The thing is, I don’t want that lifestyle anyway. I want my house to be somewhere my friends and family drop into whenever they want, but then it returns to a peaceful haven when they’ve all gone!

I do sometimes think that I’m not a proper functioning adult though - I am single, don’t earn a huge amount, live in rented accommodation. Whereas my neighbours, who are a similar age, have the big house, the kids, the SUV, the weekends out together, and I do feel a bit like I’ve not quite reached adulthood, if that makes sense.

Being a parent is not necessarily an indicator of maturity, any more than being childfree is an indicator of immaturity.

I would definitely have kids if I were a man

@CrotchBurn

I would definitely have kids if I were a man

I wouldn't want them if I were a man either. If I'd wanted them but been worried about my career I'd have insisted on splitting the maternity leave, childcare etc. with my husband.

@LApprentiSorcier

I'm worried about pain pregnancy and labour and the after effects

[quote CrotchBurn]@LApprentiSorcier

I'm worried about pain pregnancy and labour and the after effects[/quote]
I would hate actually being pregnant - not sure about labour, obviously not pleasant but no particular terror of it.

But even if I had a female partner who was happy to do all that, I still wouldn't want the child at the end of it.

I'm the same. The thought of pregnancy makes me a bit queazy and childbirth seems like a horror show, so men at least get to avoid that.

But even if I too wouldnt have to put my body through any of that, I still wouldn't want children. Even the 'good' bits simply don't appeal.

I haven’t had time to read everyone’s replies yet properly but thank you for responding, will read through now. Gréât to hear a variety of opinions.

Hi all!
I’ve really enjoyed this thread. I’m 40 and don’t know what to do. It actually makes me sick to my stomach making the choice.

Although I’ve not specially had the desire to have a baby I’ve kinda thought I would. My DH isn’t keen but would if I wanted. He means the world to me and wouldn’t want a baby to potentially come along and change our relationship in a negative way. Is that risk worth it?
I’m also petrified about additional needs and what scans etc don’t always detect. Even autism and adhd. I’d not cope.

I'm not sure if anyone will find similarities in my personal story but I think it may provide a different perspective at least.

I'm currently pregnant, via IVF and in my late 30s, single, and I'm excited and the prospect of a new beginning, chapter in my life.

I have a mundane but decently paid job. I have no social network (one good friend) but no family nearby (only mother and sister). I own my home but before deciding to become pregnant I was spending a lot of time being isolated and lonely at home and it was grinding me down (my life was no different before the pandemic).

I moved around since my mid twenties and haven't built or managed to sustain friendships. I was married in my early 30s and have had a couple of other significant relationships since then which all ended.

Making friends at this age is difficult as most people are coupled up and have nuclear families of their own. Attending 'activity' classes once or twice a week simply isn't enough human contact plus these friendships aren't necessarily deep/strong enough, they are usually based around the activity.

I want my own family and hopefully develop a life long relationship with them. I have a strong desire to nurture. Maybe this new dimension in my life will open up other possibilities in meeting others and fostering deeper friendships? So far socialising through other activities/work has been unsuccessful and disappointing.

Having a child for me isn't going to take anything away from me, I already don't have a social life, and no partner/relationship to worry about so I can't see any immediate detriments. If I didn't become pregnant, I think my life would have simply remained the same. Maybe if I had a satisfying career, a long term partner/relationship, family nearby, lots of good friends and an incredible social life, I might have chosen not to have children.

I was asked to be a godmother twice, but turned it down on the basis that a godparent is supposed to take the child in to live with them if the parents die, and I knew I wouldn’t want them living with me, so told the parents that the children would be better off with a godmother who could fulfil their duties if required. I accepted on the understanding that the parents would always travel separately and never take up any extreme sports. Mine are all over 18 now, so it worked out quite nicely!

I don’t remember a time I was anything other than totally convinced I didn’t want them. Raising younger siblings as a teen just cemented that for me. I love my God children, our friends children and nephews and nieces dearly and enjoy being the fun aunt who spoils them rotten, but not once have I ever wanted my own and I always breathe a very small sigh of relief when I hand them back over. They’re exhausting. Fortunately DH feels exactly the same.

Wow @anthurium. What a choice. You sound like it is right for you.

Congratulations! xx

@Sn0tnose. I get the whole responsibility thing. It’s very overwhelming isn’t it.
Glad you have children in life to enjoy though. It’s a great balance.

Not in the slightest. I love my life. Never had even the slightest wobble.

@lastqueenofscotland. I envy you! I want to be so sure. I’m wobbling even though I kinda know being a parent isn’t for me.

I'm in my early 40s and I've recently been going through some kind of huge crisis because I have just realised I will probably never have my own children. Like I haven't been able to sleep, crying all the time, feeling panicky. I think it's been triggered by my parents getting older and ill and seeing myself at their age and wondering who will be there to give me a bit of moral support. I know that a lot of older people aren't that supported by their adult children but the realisation that I too will get old has hit me like a tonne of bricks. Plus all my friends' and acquaintances' children that used to be babies and toddlers are now older and everybody seems to be very happy with their lot. As opposed to when they were younger when parenting seemed very hard and stressful. I am also lamenting that fact that I have made myself quite a lonely life (don't have any siblings) when I could maybe have added a couple more people to it. I think not having kids does put you at odds with a lot of society.

That's just what I'm experiencing at the moment. I spent most of my 30s agonising over the baby decision and swinging wildly from wanting kids to not wanting kids. I sometimes think I should have put the energy I expended worrying about having a child into just having one! Like a lot of people though, there were many other factors at play at that time and in the decision.

I'm probably a bit depressed and having some kind of midlife crisis, but I wanted to say how I felt. I feel if I had my time over I might have done things differently but who knows? One thing I might do differently is not focus too much on the pregnancy / birth, baby / toddler phase.

@VitalSigns23

I’ve never really seen motherhood as for me. I’m introvert, like my own company and sleep, children tire and bore me and I do not find them cute. I will walk past a playground and be glad I’m not part of it all. I am past the age of child bearing now.

But I agree with a few things PPs have said including:

• sometimes wishing it was something I had wanted as then your path, provided no fertility issues, is set out for you. I think that’s what’s the structure is. Although nothing is a given, you can imagine your child’s wedding or graduation and dream about grandchildren, as well as feel you have put an insurance policy in place for your later years.
• the pressures on modern day parents, somehow it looks more relaxed in the 60s/70s/80s
• feeling like you haven’t really hit adulthood. I don’t need a big house, or a car, or a husband
• I’m always astonished when people say they didn’t realise how hard parenthood would be. It looks unbelievably hard

Having a child is a really good distraction from existential dread and it feels like something to invest in. There’s variety as you move through your child’s life stages. Just little things like how Christmas would evolve as a family. Finding out how your child turns out and thinking ‘I made that’. Many people who live ordinary lives will say their children are their greatest achievement. Having a child, hard as it is, seems to give people meaning. At the least it is the ultimate form of distraction.

If you take a life of eighty years, eighteen years is not such a big proportion, and many people get a lot more out of their investment than they put in, in the end, it just might not seem like it at the time.

Lately I’ve also come to realise how many people actively dislike other people’s children even when they have their own. Also that there are as many ways to raise a child as there are parents, it doesn’t have to be endless play dates with people you hate or mum cliques.

So I can see a lot of the reasons why but I think if you don’t have maternal instincts none of that is enough. It’s too much hard work to be half hearted. I don’t think this decision is ever really head led.

Finally, the grass is always greener and it’s only natural to sometimes consider paths not taken, and not just with regard to parenthood.

My goodness, I've never had children, but I think you are absolutely spot on with paragraphs 3 - 5. I think by not having them that is what I feel I am missing. I'm just floundering around by myself wondering what the point of it all is

52. No regrets. It's not just that I'm glad to have avoided the sleepless nights, constant worry, dealing with tantrums etc. Even the supposed 'nice' bits of having a kid simply don't appeal.