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Original poster

For those of you childfree , do you regret not having children?

368 replies

Seaair2 · 19/01/2021 13:55

Interested to hear from those of you who are slightly older.

I’m mid 30s and I have never really seen myself being a biological parent. I like children, more so in smaller doses! I am open to step children in the future or even adoption sometimes, or being a teacher , sort of feel like my calling is to help children who are already here does that sound silly?

I just don’t think the full time responsibility (obviously this would happen with adoption) is something that is for me. I don’t know how parents balance it all! I can be quite an anxious person and I think I’d be worrying non stop!!

But my view seems to be looked down on in society because it’s still the norm to have children. I wish it was more common for people to be childfree for there to be more balanced views!

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 19/01/2021 18:19

The "nobody will look after you when you're old" argument infuriates me. What an utterly selfish reason to bring a child into the world.

Having children is pretty much always a selfish act. People do it because they want to do so and feel that their lives will be better for it. I always think it's strange that the childfree are accused of being 'selfish'. Selfish to whom? Who is being deprived if a woman chooses not to reproduce?

BiteyShark · 19/01/2021 18:19

The "nobody will look after you when you're old" argument infuriates me. What an utterly selfish reason to bring a child into the world.

And when you look closely at the elderly it is often their friends and community that keep an eye on them rather than their children.

CheckYoSelf · 19/01/2021 18:23

@Gooseysgirl

Anyone I know who is child-free by choice has absolutely no regrets.
Same. Although I know quite a few with kids who regret it...
CheckYoSelf · 19/01/2021 18:31

I've got two dogs and when I got them as puppies, I honestly went into some sort of PND, I had wanted them SO desperately for years, I am obsessed by dogs, adore them, yet when I got my own and shit got real, no sleep, clearing up poo and wee, wrecked house, 24hr disobedience and naughty behaviour, I went into a depression, had terrible anxiety. I wondered WTF had I done to my previously wonderful life of freedom and spontaneity. I spoke to my sister and she said she had felt the same when she had her baby! Kind of solidified my staunch no kids policy.

All is peaceful once again in my home now that the pups are well adjusted, well behaved adult dogs that sleep when I do and listen to what I say (most of the time Grin). Kids take years to get to that stage and a lot never do...and then there are the teenage years Shock Nope.

Ghostlyglow · 19/01/2021 18:33

No children and no regrets. I'm 55.

VeryQuaintIrene · 19/01/2021 18:42

No regrets at all. I have a lovely partner, sweet cats, nice godsons and I teach and feel completely fulfilled with the set-up. I honestly think that if my mother had had more choices, she might not have had children - though she loved me and did her very best for me, I don't think motherhood was natural for her and I always thought that if I had children I'd be a good mother in the ways that she was good and a less good mother in the ways that she was less good, so I decided not to do it.

Daleksatemyshed · 19/01/2021 18:47

I'm in my 60's and knew I didn't want to be a Mother from a very early age and don't regret my childfree status at all. My DP is a good guy, very hands on with cooking and cleaning, works full time and we have a great relationship but we would have been bad parents. I think we both had bad role models - I had a DM who wouldn't leave a bad marriage and I worked out early that what kept her there was having children- so I crossed that off my list of things to do- my DP had a Narc DM who had him "because that's what you did once your married" but didn't really like DC!

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/01/2021 18:47

No because I couldn't find a reason to have kids - never felt the urge.

I'm in my early 60s now and whilst I'm aware that I'm without someone to stand up for me when I'm too old to do it for myself, that was never a good reason to have children.

IcedGem · 19/01/2021 18:55

Has Mumsnet become somewhere childfree people choose to post regularly?

Genuinely not being confrontational when I ask that - I am really interested in why?

BiteyShark · 19/01/2021 18:58

@IcedGem

Has Mumsnet become somewhere childfree people choose to post regularly?

Genuinely not being confrontational when I ask that - I am really interested in why?

This is always asked on threads like this.

If you look around MN hardly any threads are purely about children. Just look at active and you will see a variety of threads about things totally unrelated to DC.

IcedPurple · 19/01/2021 18:58

@IcedGem

Has Mumsnet become somewhere childfree people choose to post regularly?

Genuinely not being confrontational when I ask that - I am really interested in why?

If you need to ask this question, you must not be very familiar with MN.

The majority of posts have little or nothing to do with parenting. I'm not going to go on the pregnancy or childbirth forums, for obvious reasons, but the other forums feature discussions on a wide range of topics not related to parenthood.

But you know that, don't you?

LakieLady · 19/01/2021 19:01

I've never wanted children. I find babies and toddlers incredibly dull and infuriating. I like them better once they get to about 5, and really like them when they get to double figures. They seem much more interesting.

And I actually like teenagers, even rude, stroppy ones, and get on well with them. That being all frontal lobe and no common sense, awash with hormones and rebellion, is so familiar I can still remember what it felt like and I'm in my 60s.

I've never regretted not having any. I'd have been a shit mother when they were tiny, and unless I could have found a man who was prepared to enter into a timeshare arrangement whereby they did the first 10 years, it was never on my agenda. And I find the thought of being pregnant a bit icky, and the thought of giving birth terrifying.

I've been a stepmum (twice), have spent a lot of time with friends' children and have always been an adult they could turn to and trust when they were older. My friend's daughter, now in her 30s, used to call me her "spare mummy" when she was in her early teens. And I have a wonderful niece in her late teens who I adore, and she adores me too. We're very close, and her parents love the fact that she has another adult in her life for support if and when she needs it.

BiteyShark · 19/01/2021 19:04

The majority of posts have little or nothing to do with parenting.

This.

I can only assume people who really don't understand why non parents can be on a forum with many different topics only engage with parents in RL.

I talk to parents, step parents, childfree, childless in RL about a variety of things as we all bring experiences and ideas that are meaningful to each other.

Squirrelblanket · 19/01/2021 19:04

No. HTH.

Ghostlyglow · 19/01/2021 19:06

Apart from one very confrontational reply to one of my posts a while ago I've never felt unwelcome here as a child free person. I just put that one down to that poster being an angry person.

Thingsdogetbetter · 19/01/2021 19:14

Had a wee wobble when my first marriage was starting to go bad. Realised I was seeing a baby as a band aid. Wobble lasted about 2 weeks.
20 years late I'm very very grateful I didn't give into that wobble! No regrets! Grin

Squoozie · 19/01/2021 19:15

@IcedGem

Has Mumsnet become somewhere childfree people choose to post regularly?

Genuinely not being confrontational when I ask that - I am really interested in why?

Same question as always, different phrasing: 'why are non-parents even on Mumsnet?'

Hmm
Gormless · 19/01/2021 19:16
  1. Never wanted kids. Never wavered in that. I’m too fond of lie-ins and nice holidays. Maybe I’m shallow...but I’m very happy!
heroku · 19/01/2021 19:18

*Has Mumsnet become somewhere childfree people choose to post regularly?

Genuinely not being confrontational when I ask that - I am really interested in why?*

I think it's also partly because these kinds of conversations are so difficult to have in real life. I have to be so careful talking about being childfree for fear of offending someone with kids or upsetting someone who desperately wants/wanted them. It's a minefield.

IcedGem · 19/01/2021 19:21

Lol at not being familiar with MN - yeah, ok.

I'm perfectly able to converse with people with and without children, thanks.

And I was genuinely interested - I was wondering if I'd seek out a parenting site if I didn't have children as I wouldn't seek out a childfree by choice site now (and I def wouldn't start a thread on there about how amazing kids are and how selfish it is not to have them, but maybe that's just me).

Anyway, as you were.

Whatatune · 19/01/2021 19:24

Nope, kids have never been a consideration for me, I always knew I didn't want any even when I was a kid and people would say stuff like 'when you're a mummy' I used to say I wasn't going to be a mummy for I grew up.

LApprentiSorcier · 19/01/2021 19:25

I wouldn't seek out a childfree by choice site

Many of us happened upon MN by googling something or other - threads often come up in relation to, say, health issues. It's true I wouldn't have thought of MN if I hadn't found it by accident but only because I'd have assumed it was all about pregnancy and children.

The only childfree site I came across seemed to have very little traffic.

BiteyShark · 19/01/2021 19:25

@IcedGem

Lol at not being familiar with MN - yeah, ok.

I'm perfectly able to converse with people with and without children, thanks.

And I was genuinely interested - I was wondering if I'd seek out a parenting site if I didn't have children as I wouldn't seek out a childfree by choice site now (and I def wouldn't start a thread on there about how amazing kids are and how selfish it is not to have them, but maybe that's just me).

Anyway, as you were.

Hmm but do you look at all the different threads that have nothing to do with children.

Do you google and see how many MN threads come up for general non parenting stuff. It's isn't hard to understand how parents and non parents find this site.

You don't have to be a parent to post. Most things in life are not tied to being a parent.

Hotzenplotz · 19/01/2021 19:25

@IcedGem

Has Mumsnet become somewhere childfree people choose to post regularly?

Genuinely not being confrontational when I ask that - I am really interested in why?

I arrived here years ago by following a link on a topic of interest, found a bunch of women who are just as gobby as I am, and stayed put.
IcedPurple · 19/01/2021 19:26

@IcedGem

Lol at not being familiar with MN - yeah, ok.

I'm perfectly able to converse with people with and without children, thanks.

And I was genuinely interested - I was wondering if I'd seek out a parenting site if I didn't have children as I wouldn't seek out a childfree by choice site now (and I def wouldn't start a thread on there about how amazing kids are and how selfish it is not to have them, but maybe that's just me).

Anyway, as you were.

So when you said you weren't going to be 'confrontational' you meant you'd prefer to be passive aggressive instead?

As has been pointed out - and as you surely must know if you are indeed an MN regular - MN has long since evolved beyong being a 'parenting site'. There are discussions on TV programmes, current affairs, sex, the pandemic, and so on and so forth. Just as I avoid the discussions about teething or breast feeding, you too could have scrolled past one of the few discussions about being childfree since it clearly bothers you so much.

That's what I'd have done. But maybe that's just me.