For those of you childfree , do you regret not having children?

[Seaair2]

Interested to hear from those of you who are slightly older.

I’m mid 30s and I have never really seen myself being a biological parent. I like children, more so in smaller doses! I am open to step children in the future or even adoption sometimes, or being a teacher , sort of feel like my calling is to help children who are already here does that sound silly?

I just don’t think the full time responsibility (obviously this would happen with adoption) is something that is for me. I don’t know how parents balance it all! I can be quite an anxious person and I think I’d be worrying non stop!!

But my view seems to be looked down on in society because it’s still the norm to have children. I wish it was more common for people to be childfree for there to be more balanced views!

omg stop being so defensive and waffling on

But not taking maternity leave and not having child benefit do not equate to the contribution that another adult makes to the tax pot, especially today when so many mothers do return to work.

You say you're in the USA - do you know how much money and free stuff children and parents get in the UK? I'm not criticising that - we pay taxes for everyone, not on the basis of what we use, but it is a fact. You say many mothers return to work - they don't always make a net tax contribution, though. Often parents qualify for 'tax credits' so they are effectively in negative tax. You get none of that if you don't have children, even if you are struggling to get by on the minimum wage.

@LApprentiSorcier

But not taking maternity leave and not having child benefit do not equate to the contribution that another adult makes to the tax pot, especially today when so many mothers do return to work.

You say you're in the USA - do you know how much money and free stuff children and parents get in the UK? I'm not criticising that - we pay taxes for everyone, not on the basis of what we use, but it is a fact. You say many mothers return to work - they don't always make a net tax contribution, though. Often parents qualify for 'tax credits' so they are effectively in negative tax. You get none of that if you don't have children, even if you are struggling to get by on the minimum wage.

This· I'm happy for people who want children and have them but I'm not grateful to them. I pay taxes, take care of my own finances, I haven't used the NHS since I was born, I will have a private pension and pay for my care when I'm old. I'm happy to support today's children and then they'll support me when I'm old just as today's old are being supported by the people who were children when they were my age. It just cycles on and no one needs to be 'grateful' - if it weren't government mandated half the people who pay for kids／the elderly wouldn't do it anyway! How many people don't want kids to get free school meals! It reminds me of a post I read on here years ago about a woman's brother who wouldn't eat at pubs etc who do the 'buy an adult meal and get a kids meal free' because he knew adult meals were more expensive to subsidise the cost of the kids meals he didn't want to pay for other people's kids to eat 😂 ridiculous way of thinking but many wouldn't pay for national care, education etc if it weren't law.

I'm really not convinced that many people are that transactional with society. I'm not. I've got no problem with my tax funding schools etc for children I don't have. I can't put that much thought into it; we all just contribute the best we can according to the set up we have.

@BobbinThreadbare123

I'm really not convinced that many people are that transactional with society. I'm not. I've got no problem with my tax funding schools etc for children I don't have. I can't put that much thought into it; we all just contribute the best we can according to the set up we have.

I agree, apart from complaining about tax being too high (or kids getting free school meals) most people don't think about it. I don't care that the tax etc I pay goes to things I don't currently use use. I'm glad we as a country look after kids and elderly people as well as people who are sick, unemployed, disabled, whose house is on fire etc. I would hate to live in eg America with no NHS because while I don't use the NHS I want other people to be able to.

Bless, there's always one isn't there?

"I'm so happy with my life which is so fulfilled and blessed. You carry on enjoying yourself - and talking about it on a website designed for parents donchaknow - while we do life's heavy lifting; providing for your lifestyle without sufficient gratitude from you. It doesn't bother me AT ALL because I'm VERY HAPPY WITH MY LIFE".

I've got no problem with my tax funding schools etc for children I don't have.

Neither do I - we all contribute to society in our own and different ways.

I don’t give much thought to where my taxes go. I have to pay them regardless. Have children or don’t, does anyone really care???

@BrightYellowDaffodil

Bless, there's always one isn't there?

"I'm so happy with my life which is so fulfilled and blessed. You carry on enjoying yourself - and talking about it on a website designed for parents donchaknow - while we do life's heavy lifting; providing for your lifestyle without sufficient gratitude from you. It doesn't bother me AT ALL because I'm VERY HAPPY WITH MY LIFE".

Yes. I wouldn’t dream of barging on to a thread where people were extolling the joys of parenthood and saying “you lot should be grateful to us childfree folks for paying taxes for stuff we don’t use so your kids can have child benefit, education, free health/dental care etc etc. And by the way not having kids is so much more fun and rewarding.”

People who are happy with their life choices don’t need to attack others who have made different choices. Especially when it has no direct effect on them.

I’m late 30’s and I’m happy being childfree.

I have, over the years, been on the fence at times and wondered whether I really would like to have my own family (mine is a shower of shite to put it mildly). However, I know I wouldn’t like carrying a child and giving birth (the thought terrifies me!), let alone the monotonous routine of caring for a newborn and then a tantruming toddler! I know I would make a good parent in terms of caring and nurturing but I know I would be crap when it comes to entertaining as I just find children, in general, boring.

I have lots of children in my family and have done my fair share of babysitting over the years and I think, ultimately, this is what made my mind up. I also have distant relations who both have children with autism and I know that there is absolutely no way I would be able to cope with what they have to on a day to day basis. I would also worry about the world I would be bringing a child into and also what the child could be bringing into the world, as a previous poster says- you never know what kind of person a child will turn into.

So I think I have made the right decision for me and luckily my DH has always said he’s happy if I’m happy. I also have PCOS so I may never have been able to have my own children anyway. However, I do respect those who do decide to have them as I understand how hard it is, how thankless and tiring it can be but also how rewarding.

@greengrassapreciationsociety

I am absolutely all for people who are delighted they have not had kids, to keep on with that. I refrain from sharing fully with close friends how much joy my kids bring me because I do not wish to hurt their feelings when for most of them it is no longer possible even if they did have a change of mind on it. In a forum like this, created for parents, where people are proudly declaring their relief they did not make the decision to be parents, I do not have the same sense of needing to hold back as it is obvious you are very satisfied with your decision to be childfree. Good for you. It would be quite sad to have regrets about something so unchangeable, so I am glad so many of you are so satisfied with your choice. It must have been the right one for you, so all good. Keep enjoying your child-free lives. Parents who enjoy their children have no envy I would suggest.

I don't think anyone expects any envy. People aren't holding back because it's an anonymous forum. In all honesty in real life you Don need to refrain from talking about happy you are to be child free. People really don't like to hear it in my experience.

Also I think mumsnet moved from be a parenting forum a while ago! For many it's about engaging with other women.

As above. People are posting here to answer the OP's question, not bragging on random threads that it's wonderful to be childfree.

I think I would have been happy enough to have children if I’d been making the decision in the 70s, when it seemed to be acceptable to have them and not allow them to completely dominate your life. But now, I’d find the mantra of “parenting is the most important and all-encompassing thing you’ll do” absolutely unbearably suffocating. And that mindset is something that, rather than becoming less significant as women’s roles have expanded, seems to have gone the opposite way and crept to include fathers as well. Not that I disagree that parenting should be equally divided, but why did mothers do 99% and fathers do 1% move to each having to do 99% instead of 50%?

Mainly I feel huge relief that my life gets to be uninterruptibly adult. No soft play. No children’s tv. No playground dramas or having to give headspace to knowing the names of cartoon characters or novelty songs or bits of plastic shit or holidays in places with everything is too bright and loud and sickly sweet. Just the things I choose.

And let’s bloody face it, the last year has been hellish enough without having to manage the trauma of children and homeschooling and the rest of it.

I am absolutely all for people who are delighted they have not had kids, to keep on with that. I refrain from sharing fully with close friends how much joy my kids bring me because I do not wish to hurt their feelings when for most of them it is no longer possible even if they did have a change of mind on it. In a forum like this, created for parents, where people are proudly declaring their relief they did not make the decision to be parents, I do not have the same sense of needing to hold back as it is obvious you are very satisfied with your decision to be childfree. Good for you. It would be quite sad to have regrets about something so unchangeable, so I am glad so many of you are so satisfied with your choice. It must have been the right one for you, so all good. Keep enjoying your child-free lives. Parents who enjoy their children have no envy I would suggest. Well you would all be stuffed if everyone stopped reproducing because those children mostly grow up to become taxpayers and I actually think in the UK many people do not save enough for retirement and do rely on a state pension. I have had no child benefit and no medical care as I am in the US so I took my lovely 7 years or so off work whilst my kids were young, thoroughly enjoyed something that I found more meaningful than most jobs I have done, then I stepped back into my career with no loss there. I am glad people who do not want children do not have them, but it is a good job not everyone gets on board with it. In my job I see the effects of kids growing up in homes where neglect occurs and it is very sad and even just for a child to feel their parent regrets having them, is not good. I am glad those who do not wish to be parents do not become parents and enjoy doing your preferred activities. In the past, perhaps women felt pressured into it and then found themselves to be reluctant parents and what kid wants that? But not taking maternity leave and not having child benefit do not equate to the contribution that another adult makes to the tax pot, especially today when so many mothers do return to work

Methinks the lady doth protest too much....

@Doobigetta

I think I would have been happy enough to have children if I’d been making the decision in the 70s, when it seemed to be acceptable to have them and not allow them to completely dominate your life. But now, I’d find the mantra of “parenting is the most important and all-encompassing thing you’ll do” absolutely unbearably suffocating. And that mindset is something that, rather than becoming less significant as women’s roles have expanded, seems to have gone the opposite way and crept to include fathers as well. Not that I disagree that parenting should be equally divided, but why did mothers do 99% and fathers do 1% move to each having to do 99% instead of 50%?

Mainly I feel huge relief that my life gets to be uninterruptibly adult. No soft play. No children’s tv. No playground dramas or having to give headspace to knowing the names of cartoon characters or novelty songs or bits of plastic shit or holidays in places with everything is too bright and loud and sickly sweet. Just the things I choose.

And let’s bloody face it, the last year has been hellish enough without having to manage the trauma of children and homeschooling and the rest of it.

100% this, parents these days seem so involved. My parents wouldn't have gone to soft play, didn't engage in imaginative play with me etc. I'm not saying what's right or wrong but the current way of parenting seems far too full on for me.

@AgeLikeWine

Spot on. I have kids and don’t feel the need to question the decisions of, or pass passive aggressive comments to the child-free.

Since this behaviour now seems au fait here; I think I am going to post on a thread of people suffering with COVID to say that I am thankfully very healthy and can work from home and have all my shopping delivered. Next, I will move on to a thread of home-schooling parents to state just how happy I am to be childfree. Next, dating: I will go to the thread in which people lament about the state of the potential partners to say I am so happy in my relationship of 30+ years and would choose to be single if my partner every passed away (not advertise myself on a website, as if!). I will then go on to a thread for people lamenting a bit about the current state of the world to tell them about how much worse other people have it. Then, I will go to any feminist chat thread starting my post with "man here!" for a spectacular de-rail. Oh, and let's not forget to shit on the childfree people by stating that they will "never know that special love", and remind then to be thankful for parents producing their care home staff, and scold them for daring to have an opinion or even exist on a forum "created for parents". After all that I will request some surgery to get rid of the part of my brain that suppresses the empathy and "don't be a dick" areas, so it starts to work again.

@Venusflytart

I'm late 30s, I don't regret it. I've known since I was about 5 years old that I didn't want to be a mum and with the way the world is now and my health I'm glad I'm not. The only thing about it that bothers me is other people still insisting I'll change my mind! I have always wondered how many women have children because they felt like that's what they were supposed to do because the pressure people put you under is insane.

Late thirties here and no regrets. I'm a teacher and think kids are fab, but I have zero interest in being a mother. Give zero fucks about this mysterious special love I will apparently never experience - the love I have for my DP, animals, hobbies and quiet time are enough for me. Some eye opening comments on this thread, so defensive!

Lots of people do share quite freely about the joy their kids bring them. People are quite happy to question things.

Paid our taxes, will be able to fund our retirement. Thanks. 😁

Parents who enjoy their children have no envy I would suggest.

Good for them. Nobody suggested different.

Unpopular childfree opinion: I give LITERALLY zero fucks about the fact that my (higher rate) tax contributions contribute to the health, education and progression of other people's children, in spite of the fact that I will never draw down on such benefits.

In fact, I'm actually glad, because I think a healthy, well-educated society benefits everybody, parents and childfree alike.

Oh, and I have a very healthy private pension and will be buying myself a Japanese nurse robot (or a seat on that Dignitas minibus?) in 40 years or so, with all the money I've saved by not having kids.

I do have kids and can definitely relate to the cost they have on time, energy, career, money, cognitive functioning, social life etc. (Conversely, this is probably the healthiest I've been in my life, as running is a legitimate reason to get out the house, I'm always active because there are so many chores to be done, I've lost weight (was obese) as I need to be a good role model, we eat healthily as we need to do that for the kids and we eat together. DP and I have sacked off alcohol and other vices as we can't parent with even a one glass of wine hangover).

I got distracted from my original point there, which was going to be: I think with some parents who criticise the child free, there is an element of envy. I am happier for having children, though god knows why. By most accounts the quality of my life has declined. But I was unhappy before having children, and I feel satisfied now. I think a person is very fortunate to be able to be satisfied with their life, without having kids. For me, the burden to have kids didn't come from societal pressure (most of my friends from my 20s and 30s are child free), but most likely some biological / hormonal urges. I seriously considered not having kids for a while. And I could get quite giddy and excitable when I imagine what my life could be like without kids now (I'd be so gorgeous! Fancy gym! The clothes! So cultured! So much theatre and Michelin stars!) But realistically I'd be a bit depressed and empty like I felt before. Because I maybe do have some existential emptiness, filled up with having kids, which I'm not really sure is ethical. And in some ways the responsibility of having kids makes me a better / more functional person, I care for them better than I ever did myself, so I guess I reap the lifestyle benefits of that too.

But honestly, if you can be content without children, and don't seem to need external pressure in the form of the weighty project of having children, to force you to organise your life into something meaningful, I wouldn't rush into it.

I do envy those of you with that, but am very happy for you. And pleased you're under less societal pressure l to make choices that don't suit you than in the past.