For those of you childfree , do you regret not having children?

[Seaair2]

Interested to hear from those of you who are slightly older.

I’m mid 30s and I have never really seen myself being a biological parent. I like children, more so in smaller doses! I am open to step children in the future or even adoption sometimes, or being a teacher , sort of feel like my calling is to help children who are already here does that sound silly?

I just don’t think the full time responsibility (obviously this would happen with adoption) is something that is for me. I don’t know how parents balance it all! I can be quite an anxious person and I think I’d be worrying non stop!!

But my view seems to be looked down on in society because it’s still the norm to have children. I wish it was more common for people to be childfree for there to be more balanced views!

I will be a step-grandmother one day and I quite like the idea of that

You mean you might be a step-grandmother one day assuming your step daughter wants kids!

Does anyone really base their decisions to procreate (or not) based on their carbon footprint ?

It wasn't part of my decision but it's a handy side-effect if I get criticised for taking a long-haul flight

My decision was based on a) not wanting the lifestyle and b) not wanting to be pregnant and give birth. I just didn't want to do those things. I'm part of a group of friends who all kept our ponies together when we were kids so from a young age we've known what it's like to always put someone else's needs in front of your own and to have a big commitment in terms of time, effort and money that dominates your life. We've also known what it's like to not be able to do things because you need to get back to feed the horses or get up very early tomorrow, or not be able to go away because you can't get cover. Interestingly, out of the group of 5 or 6 of us only 2 have children.

I never wanted them and I have no regrets. I’m surrounded by lots of family and friends who have children and nothing about their lives appeal to me. Especially during lockdown those feelings were reinforced!

I just don’t get the urge for making another human being. Years ago at a family party one of the kids ran over to their mum (my cousin) and started smothering her with kisses. My mum said look how joyous and lovely that is and see what I’m missing out on, it’s such an amazing and miraculous thing to experience that love. I said it’s a manufactured love, as in my cousin and her DH produced another person to give them that love.

I’m sure I haven’t explained properly but when people talk about the unbelievable love and joy they feel for their child, I just think you have had to make a third person to feel those emotions. As I said I don’t understand it. When I read posts about this overwhelming urge that takes over or the utter heartbreak and devastation a lot of women go through who have fertility issues, it does not make sense to me. I cannot comprehend why a lot of women feel like their life is incomplete or over if they cannot produce a another human being.

I’ve been told by many women many times there is something wrong with me for not wanting children, maybe they’re right. I really really hope and pray I never get that feeling or urge, I’m getting too old now. Anyway I would rather regret not having them than regret having them.

@Clarich007 that's awful - people can be so insensitive and rude

When I read posts about this overwhelming urge that takes over or the utter heartbreak and devastation a lot of women go through who have fertility issues, it does not make sense to me. I cannot comprehend why a lot of women feel like their life is incomplete or over if they cannot produce a another human being.

Some people really cannot envisage a life without children and so if they have fertility issues it is utterly devastating and they will never give up hope until they have a baby or reach menopause. Others, while they feel extremely sad and go through a grieving process, are able to move on and make a good life without children.

@CounsellorTroi but could this grief be partly because society pushes parenthood as a pinnacle of achievement? That it’s a necessary step to becoming a fully formed adult? Would so many people with infertility feel this way if more parents were able to openly say that if they had their time over, they wouldn’t do it?

I truly feel a lot of the efforts many go to with IVF is based on a lifetime of social conditioning.

If children were actually taught that not everyone’s body is made to reproduce might that change things?

Who knows but often wonder.

'I truly feel a lot of the efforts many go to with IVF is based on a lifetime of social conditioning.'

Totally agree. Parenthood is treated as the absolute pinnacle of adult achievement, especially for women, rather than just one way to live your life. Welcoming a baby is a happy event of course, and an important one to celebrate, but I cant think of anything else that invites so much attention, celebration and validation, a lot of it completely over the top in my view. It can be very difficult to make the choice to step away from all of that, especially if you're deeply ambivalent about parenthood, as I was

@gutful I agree that there is some conditioning at play. We are conditioned to expect to have children if we want them, to believe it will be uniquely fulfilling and also that we will be ful of regret if we don’t have them.

Gutfu, I think you raise an important point there. These days, with fertility treatments, people (especially women) are led to believe they can have a child, when of course, in reality, over 60% of infertility treatments are unsuccessful.

Before treatment was available, if a couple could not have a baby, it was just 'one of those things' and was largely accepted, and people could, in many cases, move on. There was also the fact that single women did not go out to become mothers on their own. I suppose there would, historically, be many women who never had children, but possibly fewer just because they didn't want them.

There are lots of different kinds of love though, and the love you feel for your children is a distinct one. Another example is long happily married couples, I have friends like this and they have a love that I can see and I know I haven't experienced. I don't feel any real loss over this as I know I did other things instead and I don't regret that.

@CounsellorTroi

“We are conditioned to expect to have children if we want them”

Well put!

Also little girls tend to get dolls & Encouraged to play mum from such a young age, I don’t know if there is a male equivalent of a baby doll? Superhero toys or tickle me elmo (or whatever trendy plush toy is in) doesn’t seem exactly the same...

@reprehensibleme it’s funny you mention this as have heard young women sat flippantly that they don’t want kids now but will just have IVF when they are older & it shows how IVF is seen as this miracle process that works for everyone.

It’s not a process people tend to know much about & many people seem to confuse the process with artificial insemination. IVF has medical risks & huge financial cost with no guarantee of reward.

Also when baby is born & doesn’t live up to the expectation seems a serious burden for a baby to bear.

Also many have children & abuse them. Or stop at one because of personal reasons. Thus disputes the concept of kids being the epitome of defining love. Otherwise there would be practically no child abuse.

'Also when baby is born & doesn’t live up to the expectation seems a serious burden for a baby to bear.'

So true. I think celebrity culture has a lot to answer for too. Babies get presented as the latest accessory, a little angel in your image, who has no needs, and exists only to look cute and make you feel good. I wonder how many people go into parenthood with insanely unrealistic expectations of what will be involved

Not RTFT but I'm 41 and don't regret not having children. This doesn't mean that I'm 100% delighted with this decision all of the time. Life isn't black and white and there are definitely times when I feel envious of some aspects of parenthood but I think it is important to recognise these feelings for what they are - envy, not regret - and accept them as part of who I am.

I do think that social conditioning plays a big part in the desire for children that most people have. But it's not just that. I believe that biological urges and an innate need to procreate are very real. Any nature documentary will show females of any species strive to be impregnated, to have and to protect her young despite huge hardships along the way. I don't think humans are any different really. But in these documentaries there are frequently scenes of animals rejecting their young, or older females in a herd or tribe, not playing their part in looking out for the young in a communal setting. So I believe that biological indifference/lack of maternal instinct is also very real, although less common. In humans, the only difference is the social conditioning and bombardment that goes along with our innate desire - either validating and increasing that desire, or making us feel that we are wrong and unnatural in some way. Hence the need to seek validation on fora like this.

I believe that biological urges and an innate need to procreate are very real. Any nature documentary will show females of any species strive to be impregnated, to have and to protect her young despite huge hardships along the way. I don't think humans are any different really.

We don’t know that other animals experience a conscious desire to have offspring in the way humans do, or whether they are simply programmed to behave in ways that bring it about.

Does anyone really base their decisions to procreate (or not) based on their carbon footprint ?

I think not having children is generally a much more considered decision than having them. I'm not saying no one thinks hard before deciding to have children, but the consideration process often seems to be when shall I have children rather than, shall I have them or not. And many people seem to take it as a given once they are married or in a LTR - unless they are sadly affected by infertility.

It also takes effort and organisation not to have children during a long marriage or relationship, unless for some reason you know one of you is infertile. If you definitely don't want them there can be no 'I've missed my pill but I'll take a chance because it wouldn't be the end of the world' situations. You have to be 100% on your contraception, get sterilised or abstain. And doctors are very reluctant to sterilise child-free women in case they change their minds.

I believe that biological urges and an innate need to procreate are very real. Any nature documentary will show females of any species strive to be impregnated

Animals have the urge to have sex - feel randy, if you like, and so they mate. I don't believe animals have a conscious desire to have offspring, they just do what their body is telling them to do at any given time.

Early 30s, so still time for me to change my mind, I suppose, but I can't see it happening. The thought of being pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding always appalled me, so I decided when I was quite little that I'd probably adopt. Now, I just don't want kids at all. I love the freedom of my life, the disposable income, the lack of stress.
I also spent a long time working with quite severely disabled children, and remember one of my colleagues saying to me, "Hasn't working here really put you off having children?" I already didn't want children at that point, but being around 17 year old lads who still couldn't use the toilet and who would attack you when having a meltdown, or being with a kid who had bad epilepsy or sudden death syndrome, and seeing the exhaustion of the parents picking them up did make me fairly sure I wasn't cut out for that level of sacrifice. Before anyone accuses me of being ableist, I'm not. I just know I would not be a good or happy mother even to an able-bodied child.

I think knowing there's always a possibility your children won't be independent as adults is a very valid reason to think hard about the decision.

I once saw a heartbreaking documentary showing a woman in her 30s with severe learning disabilities who had been shockingly abused in her care facility. The sight of her elderly and exhausted-looking parents weeping with distress over the situation was enough to tell me that I would never be able to cope in that position. I have the utmost admiration for the parents who have to cope, somehow, and do, but I couldn't.

@Tiggyyy

Thanks for starting this thread - I was thinking of starting one recently too. I'm in my 30s and leaning towards staying childfree too, but it's always the fear of being older and lonely that keeps me on the fence.

I'd love to hear from some older childfree people about how they feel now.

It's not guaranteed protection against loneliness. I was surprised to find during the first couple of lockdowns that lots of people admitted that they very rarely see their parents/care for grandparents regularly during normal times.

@Lottapianos

'I've even had one person tell me ''it's like you're almost looking down on people who do have kids,like your time is more precious than others '' Eh...no. I think you might be projecting dear'

Yes, just a bit that's a fascinating comment

I'm 41 OP and I'm mostly at peace, and often actively grateful that I dont have kids. I went to the dark side with it all in my early to mid 30s, found myself absolutely pining for a baby and was quite depressed about it all, but I knew in my bones that the endless responsibility was not for me. I still feel envy from time to time, and couldnt cope with baby showers and the like, but I know deep down that it was absolutely the right decision

I wish everyone was as self aware as you and really gave parenthood serious thought, rather than just falling into it as some people do. You're right that is still very much seen as the 'normal' thing to do for women

I think it is becoming more common to be childless - and hopefully less common to judge those who are! As PP have said, there's a lot of projection and offended ranting by some, as though your decision not to utterly change and upend your life in the service of raising tiny humans for literal decades, is a judgement on them and their decisions (hardly any other choices attract such judgement - suspect something to do with women's primary purpose being to reproduce 🙄, woe betide any woman who goes against that patriarchal expectation).

I also suspect that if people knew what it entailed and thought long and hard about it beforehand, there would be a drop in births.

Brightyellow daffodill
No I see it more as a happy side effect.
I genuinely am happy many people have chosen not to have kids because that does keep the population down somewhat and since they did not want them, they get what they want too. Less kids being born to reluctant regretful parents. It is a win win situation.

No assuaging guilt here. I would have had more than 2 if I had started sooner because they are the best part of my life and I think I would have had regret had I not made the choices I made.

People who do not have kids will be grateful many of us have or there would be too few people paying into the pension pot we all expect to get something from one day.

Thank you all for your comments! Not read through them all yet but didn’t expect so many replies!

I'm pretty sure all animals have a biological impulse to reproduce.

They have a biological instinct to have sex. Not to reproduce.

If reproducing were a 'biological instinct' you'd expect it to be pretty uniform across the species. Yet a significant - and increasing - minority actively choose not to reproduce. Nobody chooses not to eat, drink or breathe, unless perhaps they have a serious psychological disorder. But many perfectly normal and healthy people choose not to reproduce.

I think this 'biological urge' thing is lazy thinking. I'm willing to bet that a woman like myself - who has never wanted children - is in no way biologically different from a woman who has always wanted them. It's a silly expresion.

You can't really know that though, unless you have children. I love my dog madly but it's not the same as the feeling I have for my child on any level

Funny that.
My best friend has two kids.
Grown up now.
And whenever she was talking about worrying for them or loving them...she'd liken it to me and my dog.
She refers to the dog like it's my child eg
''imagine your dog didn't come home at night or got out in the middle of the night youd be walking the walls with worry!'' etc
Has her own dogs too and says she loves them as much as her children.

But I guess you cant really know that either. People can love things and beings... as much as you can love your child...imagine that?! Mad isn't it?