For those of you childfree , do you regret not having children?

[Seaair2]

Interested to hear from those of you who are slightly older.

I’m mid 30s and I have never really seen myself being a biological parent. I like children, more so in smaller doses! I am open to step children in the future or even adoption sometimes, or being a teacher , sort of feel like my calling is to help children who are already here does that sound silly?

I just don’t think the full time responsibility (obviously this would happen with adoption) is something that is for me. I don’t know how parents balance it all! I can be quite an anxious person and I think I’d be worrying non stop!!

But my view seems to be looked down on in society because it’s still the norm to have children. I wish it was more common for people to be childfree for there to be more balanced views!

[quote gutful]@CounsellorTroi but could this grief be partly because society pushes parenthood as a pinnacle of achievement? That it’s a necessary step to becoming a fully formed adult? Would so many people with infertility feel this way if more parents were able to openly say that if they had their time over, they wouldn’t do it?

I truly feel a lot of the efforts many go to with IVF is based on a lifetime of social conditioning.

If children were actually taught that not everyone’s body is made to reproduce might that change things?

Who knows but often wonder.[/quote]
In my culture it is definitely a huge part. I’m from the Middle East and had a quite strict Islamic upbringing. I’m living in London and went to school and university here so my time between the two countries was split 50\50.

The biggest thing most of my family and friends in ME believe in is God’s will. Everything that happens is due to God. If any of you have been to a Gulf country you would know passengers in cars don’t see seatbelts as compulsory, even for children! I have had numerous arguments but people don’t care, saying it’s God’s will if something bad happens.

However when it comes to having babies that’s a different story! If a woman has fertility issues then straight to IVF doctors they go to fix it, spending tens of thousands without hesitation over & over. Not a whisper that God had decided she cannot have children. For the majority of Muslim women, society had drummed it into their heads that family and children are the be all and end all.

@LApprentiSorcier

I believe that biological urges and an innate need to procreate are very real. Any nature documentary will show females of any species strive to be impregnated

Animals have the urge to have sex - feel randy, if you like, and so they mate. I don't believe animals have a conscious desire to have offspring, they just do what their body is telling them to do at any given time.

Also, if we had a 'biological urge' to reproduce, why would most people stop reproducing after having the 2 or 3 children currently considered to be the ideal family size? Wouldn't the 'biological urge' keep urging them to reproduce until it's no longer physically possible? "Biological urges" don't care whether or not you can afford to send your 2 kids to private school or if your family is 'complete' because you've got 'one of each'.

50s here. Absolutely, 100%, totally no regrets. Other people''s kids are fun for a while but the years of grind - no thanks.

I am 100% supportive of anyone’s choice not to become a parent.

I have particular respect for the people who say “ no, I like my life the way it is, thanks, kids are too much work.” I admire them for knowing their own minds and not being swayed by popular opinion.

I have 0% respect for the people who choose to have kids and then walk out on them because it’s too much hard work ( 99% men of course ).

However I’m confused by people who say

“ I don’t want to be a parent but I might adopt”.

Adoption is not for people who don’t want to have kids or be parents . Adoption is for people who want to have kids but don’t care about / can’t give birth to them.

Adoption isn’t Parenting Lite. It’s Parenting Extra and almost always much MUCH harder and more stressful than being a biological parent.

Fostering is a paid job, like being a nanny. The kids are not yours, you are not their parent.

Whenever I see people parenting there is nothing that makes me think I want that. I am actually good with kids but find them Exhausting.

Same.

I've never been around parents and thought to myself, Yes! That's the life I want! It's not even that I think the bad bits outweigh the 'good'. Even the 'good' bits don't appeal.

However I’m confused by people who say “ I don’t want to be a parent but I might adopt”

I would not want to be an adoptive parent just as I wouldn't want to be a biological parent. However, amongst my many reasons for not wanting children of my own were that I found the idea of creating something with half my own genes unbearable, and I also find the idea of a person carrying a living thing around inside themselves horrible, to the extent I have to look away from women who are visibly pregnant.

So I can see why someone might be able to have their own children, but prefer to adopt.

That's leaving aside the environmental aspect - compare the many people who would only get a rescue dog because there are too many dogs in the world already, so they don't want to support the breeding of more.

Nope.

Definitely not best decision I ever made.

'Adoption isn’t Parenting Lite. It’s Parenting Extra and almost always much MUCH harder and more stressful than being a biological parent.'

Well said

The only thing I'll say and it might only apply to me as I'm a bit special, but if you move in middle-age, it's hard to make new friends as people stay in their friendship groups and they often revolve around their children. I don't know anyone else childfree my age where I live.

Such an interesting thread - thank you all

I'm childfree and in my 30s. No regret here, but I've read a few things from women in their 50s who say that as they've got older they've realised the structure that having children brings. It's hard to understand this as a 30 something, and how your feelings might change.

@BlueBear1234

I'm childfree and in my 30s. No regret here, but I've read a few things from women in their 50s who say that as they've got older they've realised the structure that having children brings. It's hard to understand this as a 30 something, and how your feelings might change.

What structure in particular?

I'm not far off that age and my life has structure but then again my career hasn't been impacted by having children which I think happens to many mothers.

I don't know! Would be interested to know what this structure is...

God, no. I have a wonderful life.

Not at all. There's a small part of me that would have liked to be a mum but due to health issues I didn't have the energy to be a parent and have always known it wasn't for me. My genes didn't need to replicate either. I wouldn't want any child it live the life I have health wise.

@BlueBear1234 I'd also like to know...got a bit of a 'one of us...one of us' vibe?

People who do not have kids will be grateful many of us have or there would be too few people paying into the pension pot we all expect to get something from one day.

It's a bit much to expect the child-free to be 'grateful'. We could say that you should be 'grateful' for child-free people who often pay more into the tax system than they take out compared to others (given that we don't have parental leave, maternity services, child benefit, and childcare which is all at least partly paid for by taxes)?

People who do not have kids will be grateful many of us have or there would be too few people paying into the pension pot we all expect to get something from one day.

This argument about producing workers to pay for future pensioners is a neverending pyramid scheme though. Each generation would need to be bigger than the one before; it's completely unsustainable.

Most childfree people i know have good pension provision anyway, as well as using fewer resources through their lives (such as maternity services etc. as BrightYellowDaffodil said)

Thank you all for your honesty comments.
I have two children, 9 and 14. It's so so hard.
I had them at 40 and 45. Old, I know.
I was a besotted mother with the first one, I enjoyed it and felt fulfilled.
Fast forward, I still give my who life and self up. That's the shit bit, the mother self sacrifice narrative that is a bedrock of our culture.
We didn't evolve to give ourselves up so much when we have children. It's unsustainable as our nervous systems are not wired for nuclear families.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

People who do not have kids will be grateful many of us have or there would be too few people paying into the pension pot we all expect to get something from one day.

It's a bit much to expect the child-free to be 'grateful'. We could say that you should be 'grateful' for child-free people who often pay more into the tax system than they take out compared to others (given that we don't have parental leave, maternity services, child benefit, and childcare which is all at least partly paid for by taxes)?

Spot on

I'm 38 and don't regret not having kids. I have never felt the ticking clock or broodiness that other people seem to have experienced. I am introverted and get overwhelmed quite easily so I think children would have been a struggle.

The only thing is that by a certain age I found that parents mostly seem to be friends with other parents, and a lot of the conversation is about the kids. I suppose the solution is to find childfree friends but we seem to be in the minority.

Well you would all be stuffed if everyone stopped reproducing because those children mostly grow up to become taxpayers and I actually think in the UK many people do not save enough for retirement and do rely on a state pension. I have had no child benefit and no medical care as I am in the US so I took my lovely 7 years or so off work whilst my kids were young, thoroughly enjoyed something that I found more meaningful than most jobs I have done, then I stepped back into my career with no loss there. I am glad people who do not want children do not have them, but it is a good job not everyone gets on board with it. In my job I see the effects of kids growing up in homes where neglect occurs and it is very sad and even just for a child to feel their parent regrets having them, is not good. I am glad those who do not wish to be parents do not become parents and enjoy doing your preferred activities. In the past, perhaps women felt pressured into it and then found themselves to be reluctant parents and what kid wants that? But not taking maternity leave and not having child benefit do not equate to the contribution that another adult makes to the tax pot, especially today when so many mothers do return to work.

I am absolutely all for people who are delighted they have not had kids, to keep on with that. I refrain from sharing fully with close friends how much joy my kids bring me because I do not wish to hurt their feelings when for most of them it is no longer possible even if they did have a change of mind on it. In a forum like this, created for parents, where people are proudly declaring their relief they did not make the decision to be parents, I do not have the same sense of needing to hold back as it is obvious you are very satisfied with your decision to be childfree. Good for you. It would be quite sad to have regrets about something so unchangeable, so I am glad so many of you are so satisfied with your choice. It must have been the right one for you, so all good. Keep enjoying your child-free lives. Parents who enjoy their children have no envy I would suggest.