For those of you childfree , do you regret not having children?

[Seaair2]

Interested to hear from those of you who are slightly older.

I’m mid 30s and I have never really seen myself being a biological parent. I like children, more so in smaller doses! I am open to step children in the future or even adoption sometimes, or being a teacher , sort of feel like my calling is to help children who are already here does that sound silly?

I just don’t think the full time responsibility (obviously this would happen with adoption) is something that is for me. I don’t know how parents balance it all! I can be quite an anxious person and I think I’d be worrying non stop!!

But my view seems to be looked down on in society because it’s still the norm to have children. I wish it was more common for people to be childfree for there to be more balanced views!

I'm 61 and have no regrets.

No, but I eagerly await necessary and nephew's

I think it is great so many people are content not having kids as the population is too high anyway and reading this has made me feel better about my own environmental footprint with the two I have had who have only made my life better. But I always wanted kids.Thank you to all the people on here for not giving in to any pressures and being child free -people that want a third or fourth can take your spots in the population replacement.

I’m 49 and child free, so that ship has well and truly sailed. And I am totally confident that this is the right life for me.

I was 27 when I met my partner, he is 10 years older. He was absolutely clear from day one that he did not want children, at the time I was fairly ambivalent - and also, to be honest, never thought that we would be together that long, so didn’t really worry about it. As time moved on, I continued to feel uncertain - I had always ‘assumed’ I would have kids, because that is what I had been brought up to expect, but I didn’t feel any kind of urge or instinct to do so. As I got into my thirties I saw friends become absolutely single-minded about wanting children, but still felt unsure. I assumed that once they and my siblings had kids I would suddenly want my own, and would feel motivated to find a relationship in which having a family was a priority..... but that didn’t happen. In fact, quite the opposite - I looked at how my friends lives changed, how they changed, how their relationships changed and knew for absolute certain that it wasn’t for me. It also confirmed for me that I don’t really find children very interesting.

I like having the freedom to do what I want, when I want to do it. I like being able to wholeheartedly pursue my own interests and passions - while my DP also has the time to pursue his. And also of course, kids are very expensive - the lifestyle we have now would probably not have been within reach if we’d had children. I’m perfectly happy and perfectly fulfilled, and have no regrets beyond the fact that I know it makes my parents sad.

I’m lucky in that my three best friends are also child free, and that many in our wider circle don’t have kids, so I don’t at all feel like the ‘odd one out’.

I feel really strongly that we should be teaching girls from an early age that having children is a choice, not a destiny, and that it is perfectly possible to lead a fantastic, meaningful life without necessarily becoming a mother. Children deserve parents who are fully invested in them, and I really don’t think I could have made the necessary sacrifices without feeling sad for the life I was giving up.

That said, I bloody love my cats and dog to the point of insanity, so maybe I have some deeply suppressed maternal instincts that I am redirecting. Good luck making your choice.

38 & no regret. Am confident have made the right choice. I love my nephews dearly but love sleep more.

No. Never have regretted it. Not ever. This feeling of a ‘biological urge’ to have children is a completely alien concept to me, my clock just never ticked! I adore the young children in my family, but have absolutely no desire to ever be around anyone else’s.

Also love my dogs to the point of it being a maternal love. Their smell is intoxicating to me, we enjoy co-sleeping & it’s hard to get me to go out as just love coming home to my girls... I try to give them the best life possible as a parent would (neglected pound dogs) and my concern is dying before them & they won’t know what happened to me or who will take care of them.

@Nicolastuffedone yes agree that biological urge I think is more a socialisation thing.

Growing up I said wanted to have kids young like my mum did, as we were so close. But it was something I said, not something really felt.

I did feel “clucky” once with someone was deeply in love with briefly, but the feeling passed quickly & am grateful for that.

Not all childfree people want corporate high flying jobs or travel everywhere. I did do that in my 20s/early 30s but have really settled down now in mid-late 30s, but still no wish to have children.

Whenever I see people parenting there is nothing that makes me think I want that. I am actually good with kids but find them Exhausting.

I’m 47 and have a stepson who spent his weekends with us whilst growing up and other then him our 2 dogs were my children. I have never regretted not having biological kids and never felt the urge to have them despite some people telling me I would change my mind one day. Each to their own I say-it’s no-one else business.

I never wanted children. I thought I would love a life of travel, eating out, seeing friends, hobbies and stuff. When I got married, everything changed and I felt differently and we decided to try. And I am so glad. I love my child so much and can't imagine being satisfied with life without him in it.

But I think it helped that I got married and had a child relatively late and that I had done a lot of things before that. I had travelled, lived abroad, had lots of experiences. I can't imagine settling down at 24 or something, that seems like a recipe for disaster to me.

Obviously things are different for everyone though, there's no need to have children if you don't want them and once you have them, it's not like you can just give them up (well you can, but obviously that's not really simple.)

@gutful "Also love my dogs to the point of it being a maternal love."

You can't really know that though, unless you have children. I love my dog madly but it's not the same as the feeling I have for my child on any level. I'm not saying it's offensive to say that or anything but the love for a dog and for a child is really different. It's like the love for a partner and the love for ice cream.

"that biological urge I think is more a socialisation thing."

I disagree. For me, it was truly biological. I never felt the urge, then I hit my 30s and it was all I thought about. None of my friends had children and totally normal in my circle to not have any.

I'm pretty sure all animals have a biological impulse to reproduce.

@FunkBus see I think you can know & that it’s arrogant for people with children to assume I don’t know what love means. Or that it’s impossible to love an animal as much as a human. Does this mean adoptive parents don’t love their kids as much as biological parents because they did not birth them?

@FunkBus

I never wanted children. I thought I would love a life of travel, eating out, seeing friends, hobbies and stuff. When I got married, everything changed and I felt differently and we decided to try. And I am so glad. I love my child so much and can't imagine being satisfied with life without him in it.

But I think it helped that I got married and had a child relatively late and that I had done a lot of things before that. I had travelled, lived abroad, had lots of experiences. I can't imagine settling down at 24 or something, that seems like a recipe for disaster to me.

Obviously things are different for everyone though, there's no need to have children if you don't want them and once you have them, it's not like you can just give them up (well you can, but obviously that's not really simple.)

@gutful "Also love my dogs to the point of it being a maternal love."

You can't really know that though, unless you have children. I love my dog madly but it's not the same as the feeling I have for my child on any level. I'm not saying it's offensive to say that or anything but the love for a dog and for a child is really different. It's like the love for a partner and the love for ice cream.

But that's how much you love your dog, not how much that poster loves her dog.

I don't understand why people choose to have children or pets to be honest but if they're happy, I'm happy, I don't tell them they're wrong to feel the way they do because that's actually a really nasty and belittling way to talk to and treat other people. That poster loves her dog in a maternal way and no one should tell her she's wrong because they can't feel what she feels.

You can't really know that though, unless you have children. I love my dog madly but it's not the same as the feeling I have for my child on any level. I'm not saying it's offensive to say that or anything but the love for a dog and for a child is really different. It's like the love for a partner and the love for ice cream

How arrogantly presumptuous of you to claim to know how other people feel.

You can't really know that though, unless you have children. I love my dog madly but it's not the same as the feeling I have for my child on any level.

Please please don’t go down the lite of telling people how to define the love they feel. The love maybe different for you, it may not for other people, you don’t get to define it. It’s dangerously close to the whole “You don’t know love until you’ve had a child” schtick that we’ve all bloody well heard.

@greengrassapreciationsociety Yup, we child-free types have nobly sacrificed ourselves so that others can have as many children as their hearts desire so that their lives are “better” and can assuage their guilt over their environmental footprint. We’re just here to offset others’ life choices, of course

@BrightYellowDaffodil

Does anyone really base their decisions to procreate (or not) based on their carbon footprint ? I doubt it. People are inherently selfish & will do what they want & justify their decision by any means.

If it makes parents with a litter of children feel better about doing so because others don’t have children then so be it.

Doesn’t really make sense in terms of a population control aspect, because that’s like taking 1 step forward & 1 step back to me...

[quote gutful]@BrightYellowDaffodil

Does anyone really base their decisions to procreate (or not) based on their carbon footprint ? I doubt it. People are inherently selfish & will do what they want & justify their decision by any means.

If it makes parents with a litter of children feel better about doing so because others don’t have children then so be it.

Doesn’t really make sense in terms of a population control aspect, because that’s like taking 1 step forward & 1 step back to me...[/quote]
I definitely didn't, the only reason I'm childfree is because I don't want a child. Helping the environment is a nice side effect but not even something I'd given a thought to until I read about David Attenborough saying something about people should have less children last year.

My DP definitely made the decision not to have children based on his carbon footprint

I am not sure how he squares living with 3 DC now (my children) but that is the one and only reason he has given me for not having children. He doesn't seem to have any regrets about not having his own but I have observed a difference in our own positions when we nearly split up...I am weighted to three people, their schools, their friends, their hobbies, their living space. He could pack his bag and leave now, live anywhere he want, start again. He doesn't really have any responsibility, not even to me (we are not married, we live in my house/pay my mortgage). There are pros and cons to that. It is interesting to be in a relationship where one person has gone full throttle for parenting and the other has rejected it. Neither of us is right or wrong. Neither of us regrets it. It is just the choice we have made for ourselves.

@Littleideasbigbook is he conscious about his carbon footprint in other ways? What other areas of his life does he deny himself and act selflessly to the benefit of the environment ?

Does anyone really base their decisions to procreate (or not) based on their carbon footprint ? I doubt it. People are inherently selfish & will do what they want & justify their decision by any means.

I agree. Usually people with large families get very defensive and say that they don't drive, only go campng and weave their own lentils for clothes, and make assumptions that child free people are always driving fuel guzzling cars and jet off somewhere every other weekend.

The reality is that most larger families drive cars, use more natural resources, eat more food etc, and many child free couples are more environmentally aware than couples with children.

I do feel ashamed of myself for thinking this way.
But.
I have 2 DC. Both young. (Y2 and younger)
I am mid twenties. I had my first fairly young. In the middle of a degree, which consequently was never completed. Number 2 came along when we thought 'oh its probably time to give dc1 a sibling.'
Neither of my children where 'unplanned' but what I can say is that DC1 was not thought through. I was young and had no experience with kids. I thought babies where just cute and cuddly and I suppose amongst all the lust of a fairly new relationship, we got caught in the moment a few times.
I love my children immeasurably. I would and I do anything and everything I can for them. I'm not perfect but for them I try to be the best I can.

However, HINDSIGHT.
If I could honestly go back 7 years, I would give myself a good slap.
I actively wanted a child in the middle of uni, with a partner I had only known merely months. Why? I still don't know. I just had this mad urge. I never told anyone, and still maintain dc1 was a surprise.... we had to find a house, I had to postpone my degree, I had to live with someone I barely really knew. It was tough. PND, unsettled, lactose intolerant baby, no sleep, etc etc etc.
I really struggled during those years, I remember crying a lot about how 'this is my life now'.

Things are better now, everything has worked out well for us. As I said before, I love my children so much and they bring me a sense of purpose. I have adjusted to being 'mum'.
I would say there are good days and bad days. Sometimes good weeks and bad weeks.
Some days I could pull my hair out, I am overwhelmed, exhausted, fed up of being demanded at, done out from trying to get them out of the house for some sort of exercise and away from screens, tired from feeling guilt and anxiety over nearly every decision I make for them. My days roll into each other, I work when my partner isn't so we are like passing ships as we can't afford child care. My body is out of shape, covered in stretch marks, i don't have time to make myself presentable, most of my life is revolved around cooking and cleaning.

Having said that, would I have had them having known all this? Yes I would.
There are days when they are not behaving or nothing pleases them and I do get a bit down and think 'I am doing something wrong, what would it be like to have no kids and do what I want to do today.' But it is short lived and I think entirely normal to have these thoughts at times.
If I could go back, the one thing I would change is my timing. I would have finished my degree, had a few years travelling, lived with my partner *before falling pregnant, gained some experience with what having children really entails.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but completely useless. I am very proud of where we are today, we have come through so much as a family unit and while we are not perfect by any means, my children are loved and safe and they are my life now. They are my purpose and my world would be a very lonely, unbearable place without them now.
They aren't going anywhere, life before them is gone and I have accepted that.
I now look forward to travelling in the future when they are older.

Its only took about an hour to write this because they haven't give me peace

Climate was definitely part of the conversation when we were discussing what to do. But then we are vegetarian, don't fly, have rescued pets, buy secondhand as much as possible so the climate frames a lot of our decisions. We concluded if we did have a child it would be an only, and recognise that we were being selfish by having one at all. As it didn't work out it ended up being a moot point and as the climate crisis continues to evolve we are very glad we haven't brought another life onto the planet. I'm a scientist, though, so naturally try to bring a lot of factors into the decision making process.

Tiggy
Thank you for your comment.I'm so sorry I didn't mean to be rude.I completely understand about being close to family.
I used to work with a woman who would ask without fail "When are you having children " regularly nearly every month.I would smile and pass it off, but it hurt and annoyed me at the same time, especially after my miscarriage.
Years later we had both moved on from the job, I bumped into her in the street.
"Not pregnant yet ?" she breezily asked.That was it, I saw red and retorted
"No, still no children, but it would be a bloody
miracle, I'm 60" I walked away leaving her spluttering 😂.
Funny thing was I went into our local charity shop a few months ago and she denied knowing me or the fact we worked with each other.
Hey ho.

As I said before, me and DH discussed at length whether to have children or not. There were a few reasons why we decided not to and one of them was because we felt the world was overpopulated and a pretty shit place to bring children into. That was 40 years ago. The world is even more overpopulated now, the UK far too crowded and the world even more shit.

Most of my childfree friends are in their 60's and 70's and have no regrets. Also, as a couple of posters have pointed out, still in their first marriage and still happy. All been married at least 35 years.

Most of my divorced friends say they believe their marriages would not have ended if they had not had children