My daughter's been assaulted. What do I do?

[surlycurly]

She nearly 17. She went out tonight to have a last meet up with friends before lockdown. Clearly she has had a lot to drink. She's been flirting with a boy, gone down an alleyway with him and then he's gotten her by the throat and made her do several things she didn't want to. She told him not to but then gave up and went with it after her bit her neck. She was afraid. She's had experience with boys and so isn't over reacting out of guilt. She has two bite marks and a swollen lip. Despite my attempts to convince her She's adamant that she will NOT press charges as she says she'll be made to look like a slut, only for it to drag on for two years and eventually go nowhere as it would be her word against his. She's Not capable of dealing with that (she's ASD). But I hate the idea of him behaving like that and not being punished for it. She was hysterical when she came home. She's ok now and has gone to bed but I'm lying here feeling like I've done the wrong thing and should have called the police. I may still do so in the morning. I've never felt so helpless or frustrated in my life.

[Doodallysally]

It really disturbs me how many people here are so quick to decide that telling the police will achieve nothing. If this was a burglary or she'd been mugged, you'd be talking to them. If your insurance demanded it you'd talk to them. I understand how not everyone wants the circus that follows but to tell a victim there's no point reporting it is harmful. Because no one knows but the police and CPS if a case can be made or not.

OP, even if she finally decides to not go to police, the one thing you should tell your daughter is to not worry about being seen as a 'slut' or being judged by society. If she sees her assault as something her behaviour caused, or that's how the world perceives it, she will be giving her power away more than has already happened. She needs to realise none of this is her fault, no one else will consider it her fault, assault is taken much more seriously these days than it was previously and she shouldn't spend her life thinking in terms of 'slut' and 'good girl'.

[goldielockdown2]

You're right in following her lead. If she doesn't want to involve the police, it would be traumatising to be forced to deal with them. Even if she made the choice she wanted to report, the process can still be traumatic.
Unfortunately my cousin, a professional who rapports with police was raped last year and she was treated so dismissively and poorly by them that she wishes she hadn't bothered and wants out of her job. It's not women's fault. It's an institutional problem and a patriarchal problem.
for your DD, and for you.

[Lucieintheskye]

Contact the police and ask for advice, they may link you up with services that can provide support for her, including educating her on the process of pressing charges. Don't push her for counselling straight away if she doesn't want it, she may choose to process her thoughts alone first. Support her, remind her you love her, be very gentle with her and expect a full range of emotions, she may want to leave it in the past and for some people, that works.

I'm so sorry OP, I can't imagine how you're feeling now. It's okay for you to feel differently than your daughter, and it's okay if you need support too.
Sending love

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Hi op I'm sorry this happened. Please do not go to the police without her consent.
The good news is she told you which is amazing and means you can support her. I only told my mum 2 years later and it was hard, I wouldn't have forgiven her if she'd pushed me to go to the police at the time.
There are some good charities who offer support out there and can provide practical helpful advice.

[goldielockdown2]

It doesn't work like that, Lucie. The police aren't an advice helpline. If a crime is reported, they will come and interview OP's DD.
We don't 'press charges' in the U.K., either so I'm not sure what you mean there. Sadly many victims aren't aware of this and fully believe they will have justice and their perpetrator will face court. They have no idea that in reality the chances are slim and that it isn't in even the police's hands.

[Aimee1987]

I havent read the entire thread so apologies if this has been suggested.
please please contact the rape crisis centre it is vital that your daughter gets support as quick as possible and they are absolutely amazing people.
You can call yourself and ask them for advice on how to help your daughter if she is uneasy to make that call herself. Most of them have anonymous helplines. They vary from city to city so you would need to Google your nearest one.

[Seatime]

Hello, l am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this.
I think your initial response was correct. There is a theory that, it is important for the victim to decide the process. It gives her some form of agency when she has been robbed of it.
I think you are well informed about the legal system. Most rapists get off in the uk, over 90%.
I think it is very positive that your daughter can speak to you so openly. That will be key for her healing process. She needs to trust someone. If you go behind her back to the police, you will break her trust. It hurts me to say that, as l want the bastard prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Would your daughter tell her friends, to get the word out that he is dangerous? The next steps need to be a collaboration with your daughter.

It may help to read the crime victim helpline, here is a link:

crimevictimshelpline.ie/coping-crime/coping-assault

Ultimately, what matters is that your precious girl is safe in her bed, and has an excellent support system in you. Well done, l can tell the years of hard work you put in.

[Changechangychange]

@Doodallysally

It really disturbs me how many people here are so quick to decide that telling the police will achieve nothing. If this was a burglary or she'd been mugged, you'd be talking to them. If your insurance demanded it you'd talk to them. I understand how not everyone wants the circus that follows but to tell a victim there's no point reporting it is harmful. Because no one knows but the police and CPS if a case can be made or not.

OP, even if she finally decides to not go to police, the one thing you should tell your daughter is to not worry about being seen as a 'slut' or being judged by society. If she sees her assault as something her behaviour caused, or that's how the world perceives it, she will be giving her power away more than has already happened. She needs to realise none of this is her fault, no one else will consider it her fault, assault is taken much more seriously these days than it was previously and she shouldn't spend her life thinking in terms of 'slut' and 'good girl'.

You have a really, really unrealistic view of how likely a rape conviction is, and how people view rape victims.

I was raped waiting for a bus home from work, as a student. Plenty of people said to me at the time that was my fault for taking a bus late at night and not taking a taxi (I have no idea how they think a student could afford a taxi to and from work every day, but there you are).

The guy who raped me was a stranger, and I screamed so loudly that he was disturbed, so there was an eyewitness. Police were called immediately. I had internal injuries, bruises, and there was DNA evidence. We still had a hung jury during the first trial, and he was only convicted of one of the three charges during the second trial, because he said it was consensual, and some of the jurors thought that was a more likely scenario than him raping me.

The conviction rate for rape in this country is incredibly low - only 1.7% of reported rapes go to court, and fewer than half of those result in a conviction.

OP’s daughter will almost certainly not get a conviction. The only reason for reporting this is so he is known to police when he does it again.

[Doodallysally]

@Changechangychange

Yours is exactly the kind of attitude I work very heard to break. That because you were once a victim, you think you speak for all victims. And because you deal with one police team/CPS you now have knowledge of every policing team and CPS in this country.

I too was sexually assaulted at 19. By a classmate. In a room. When I was very drunk. And I am so grateful I had people around me who encouraged me to speak to the police, not because they thought I would get a conviction. But because they cared enough to let me know ALL my options and the consequences of each, and make an informed decision

I did go the police. This was 10 years ago. A big, scary bustling station in a city (in this country) where I didn't know anyone but my flatmate. I remember being interviewed, I remember being told cases like mine were hard to prosecute but they would do what they could. Mostly I remember being offered a cup of tea, and the calm manner of the officers in the room listening intently, and writing down what I said. And feeling like someone did believe me, someone was listening to me, and that what happened wasn't my fault. Sure, my parents and friends all re-assured me. But it was not the same as being with people in a position of authority, it carried more weight. Sure enough CPS didn't decide to prosecute. But that did not matter to me. What mattered is that I had spoken up, the scumbag who did it knew I had spoken up, and for the time he spent anxious and fearful of an outcome, I am pleased. It meant that everytime I walked past that asshole at uni, he couldn't make eye contact because he knew I wasn't scared of him.

Years later I don't fear drinking, or being around strange men, I don't get paranoid about what I wear, and don't struggle to get intimate with men. I genuinely believe it's because I had some form of closure of making that official police report, feeling like I had done something. I volunteered at a group at uni then to help students who suffered assault, and I remember being told that victims of sexual assault were often more susceptible to assault again. There were stats on this. That's what well meaning parents, internet strangers and friends can't predict - whether you'll be a victim of a crime, any crime, ever again. And sometimes the only way to feel remotely in control of your life is to feel like you can do something about it.

Not every victim is the same, not every assault is the same, not every investigation/case is the same. But the only right thing is to let victims know they have options, and not take them away because someone somewhere had a bad experience with it.

[surlycurly]

Morning everyone. After a very long, very tearful conversation she has decided she still doesn't want to go to the police, despite knowing that it would be the best option in many ways. She's scared, ashamed and embarrassed. I hate that she's taking those emotions out of this but it's totally understandable. She doesn't want to speak to anyone about it yet, as she can't manage to retell it without ending up in tears. I have discussed various options with her and shown her a few of the links. But mainly she needs to be my wee girl today, looked after and loved rather than dealing with the trauma of this violent sexual assault. Her skin isn't broken but she has a sore neck. I've told her that we need to see the GP but again, she doesn't want to. She has agreed to keeping her clothes and writing a full account of what happened that I'll date and photograph. We'll keep it if she changes her mind. Several of her friends brought her home last night so there are people who are aware of what happened. Her ex boyfriend has been on to her saying that he's heard, and asking if there is anything he can do (I think he wants to beat the guy up but I've told her that's not the answer). She's very tearful but she'll be ok.

[toothfairy73]

[quote Doodallysally]@Changechangychange

Yours is exactly the kind of attitude I work very heard to break. That because you were once a victim, you think you speak for all victims. And because you deal with one police team/CPS you now have knowledge of every policing team and CPS in this country.

I too was sexually assaulted at 19. By a classmate. In a room. When I was very drunk. And I am so grateful I had people around me who encouraged me to speak to the police, not because they thought I would get a conviction. But because they cared enough to let me know ALL my options and the consequences of each, and make an informed decision

I did go the police. This was 10 years ago. A big, scary bustling station in a city (in this country) where I didn't know anyone but my flatmate. I remember being interviewed, I remember being told cases like mine were hard to prosecute but they would do what they could. Mostly I remember being offered a cup of tea, and the calm manner of the officers in the room listening intently, and writing down what I said. And feeling like someone did believe me, someone was listening to me, and that what happened wasn't my fault. Sure, my parents and friends all re-assured me. But it was not the same as being with people in a position of authority, it carried more weight. Sure enough CPS didn't decide to prosecute. But that did not matter to me. What mattered is that I had spoken up, the scumbag who did it knew I had spoken up, and for the time he spent anxious and fearful of an outcome, I am pleased. It meant that everytime I walked past that asshole at uni, he couldn't make eye contact because he knew I wasn't scared of him.

Years later I don't fear drinking, or being around strange men, I don't get paranoid about what I wear, and don't struggle to get intimate with men. I genuinely believe it's because I had some form of closure of making that official police report, feeling like I had done something. I volunteered at a group at uni then to help students who suffered assault, and I remember being told that victims of sexual assault were often more susceptible to assault again. There were stats on this. That's what well meaning parents, internet strangers and friends can't predict - whether you'll be a victim of a crime, any crime, ever again. And sometimes the only way to feel remotely in control of your life is to feel like you can do something about it.

Not every victim is the same, not every assault is the same, not every investigation/case is the same. But the only right thing is to let victims know they have options, and not take them away because someone somewhere had a bad experience with it.[/quote]
THIS. I complete agree with you @Doodallysally It's about knowing what your options are and you taking back your power. I also reported (eventually after nearly 40 years). I felt amazing afterwards, six feet high that I had finally done it and they had listened and believed me, they knew what he was. But that was followed by nearly 3 years of pain. It did go to court, the found other victims, we went to court twice (as 3 guilty verdicts which I will never get over, but a hung jury on the remaining 12) and at the second trial he was found guilty on every count and got 16 years (could be out in 8). It was hell, but we were the lucky ones. My ISVA told me afterwards it was the first conviction they had seen in a long time. Roughly 6% that report (and most don't) get a guilty verdict. We were lucky. But it shouldn't come down to luck. I would never insisted that someone should report, or that they have a responsibility to stop this person. The only one that has the responsibility is the perpetrator. Being given a choice, knowing your options, gives you the power back. For me, I had to try and take it as far as I could so he knew I hadn't kept his secret. So he could be terrified for a while. But it was the hardest thing I've ever done and I felt like I was falling apart. She needs to know she has a choice. Because that choice has already been taken away from her once

[toothfairy73]

@surlycurly

Morning everyone. After a very long, very tearful conversation she has decided she still doesn't want to go to the police, despite knowing that it would be the best option in many ways. She's scared, ashamed and embarrassed. I hate that she's taking those emotions out of this but it's totally understandable. She doesn't want to speak to anyone about it yet, as she can't manage to retell it without ending up in tears. I have discussed various options with her and shown her a few of the links. But mainly she needs to be my wee girl today, looked after and loved rather than dealing with the trauma of this violent sexual assault. Her skin isn't broken but she has a sore neck. I've told her that we need to see the GP but again, she doesn't want to. She has agreed to keeping her clothes and writing a full account of what happened that I'll date and photograph. We'll keep it if she changes her mind. Several of her friends brought her home last night so there are people who are aware of what happened. Her ex boyfriend has been on to her saying that he's heard, and asking if there is anything he can do (I think he wants to beat the guy up but I've told her that's not the answer). She's very tearful but she'll be ok.

You are doing all the right things. Right now she is in shock. She just needs to know she is safe and loved. In time she may want to reach out for support. I really recommend the sexual violence helpline www.rasasc.org.uk/. It is a national helpline. It is open every day of the year. It's anonymous. You don't always get through but when you do you get 40 minutes with someone who really understands. I always felt better after speaking to them. In the meantime if you need to talk, contact Respond they can support you if you xxx sending big hugs xxx

[BlueJag]

I'll call the police and report it. That cunt should not be allowed to assault women and get away with it. Also he could have infected her with Covid.
It doesn't matter if she had a drink or if she was out. Next time hopefully she'll be more aware of the dangers.
She may not want to talk to the police but I'll wanted on record because he is going to do it again.

[surlycurly]

Totally understand your point of view @BlueJag but it's not my decision to make. We're in Scotland and she's an adult; I can't just call the police. Trust me, I'd like to unleash all kids of hell upon him but I can't.

[toothfairy73]

@BlueJag

Next time hopefully she will be more Aware of the dangers

Whether you meant it to or not this sounds suspiciously like victim blaming. No one would ever suspect that they would be subjected to what she was put through. She should be able to go where she wants and do what she wants without being subjected to sexual violence.

There is a really good book that explains the different ways survivors are blamed when they are subjected to sexual violence. I really recommend it.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1472135482/ref=cmswwrcppawdbimmmt1xyf9FbNBEWGXEEnodl?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Your poor wee girl @surlycurly, my heart bleeds for you both. Rape Crisis Scotland are very good and would be a great first port of call when she's ready to talk to someone.

[Norwayreally]

Sadly it’s always a case of your story against theirs. She has physical evidence of assault but no real evidence that he did it. The police usually downplay assault if they don’t deem it ‘too serious’ as well. They don’t tend to take women seriously until they have been beaten so badly they’re hospitalised.

I know because I have experience. My ex assaulted me in broad daylight with many witnesses. This was after months of stalking me too, I had lots of evidence which I gave to the police. They questioned him and because he admitted it, they basically gave him a slap on the wrists and let him walk. That was the end of it for me, the police questioning was enough to make him stop but many men don’t. It’s a sad state of affairs but I don’t blame people for not trusting the police. There isn’t much they can do, it’s usually down to lack of evidence. Same with rape, not many are convicted so men can basically rape and assault women as often as they wish. Feels like we’re on our own until they murder us.

[Seatime]

To surlycurly, you are being the Mum that your daughter needs right now.

[happymummy12345]

Op I'm so sorry that your daughter has been through this. But she is lucky to have a mum like you, being so supportive and understanding which will mean a lot to her I'm sure.

I say this from personal experience. I was raped when I was 16, by 3 boys at school, 1 of who was in my class. I was walking home from my friends house, we'd been shopping for her prom dress. Of course some people at school didn't believe me, I was called all the names under the sun and they said I wanted to and was asking for it.

I reported it to the police. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I still remember how I felt sitting there explaining it all, and after at the clinic having the swabs taken to collect evidence and all the tests. (It was 2009 and the first time I saw the COVID mouth swab test it took me back to that room and all that being done). Nothing came of it though. I only wish my mum was more supportive. My friend came with me to the clinic, my mum wasn't really interested at all. She reluctantly came to the police station with me.

Once again I'm so sorry.

[FAQs]

Why are people putting their own experiences on here, it’s irrelevant to the Ops daughter, each situation, perpetrator, parent, Assessment is different, all you are doing is adding your own pressure on to the OP from your personal perspective it’s unhelpful and some of you are borderline aggressive I’ve trying to push the OP. Sorry you’ve experienced what you have but it’s exactly that, your experience.

[FAQs]

Pressed too soon, those who report negative experiences with support from those organisations who are there to assist.

[surlycurly]

Thank you for sharing your stories- I do find it all a bit tragic and overwhelming that so many of us have experienced this. I've really tried to think about what's best for her in this situation, which obviously may be different to what someone else may do. My big concern is that it triggers a spiral of negative behaviour. She self harmed for several years but hasn't recently. I just hope that she feels strong enough to not internalise it. I think I've checked her about 100 times today.

[Cherrysoup]

Please get photos of her injuries. Poor girl. Poor you! I can imagine you’re very stressed.

[toothfairy73]

@surlycurly sending you a huge amount of love. Make sure you take good care of you in all of this as you need to be ok to support your daughter.

[happymummy12345]

@FAQs it's not irrelevant. People who have been through the same or similar are able to understand and relate to the situation in a different way, it's not about making it about us. We understand because we have been where op and her daughter are right now, and that's not a good place to be. I assure you that for me personally it was incredibly difficult for me to type that, as I'm sure was the case for many others in the same or similar position. However the fact that we have been able to do so, to share what happened to us, shows that even though it's incredibly difficult, we have come out the other side stronger and we carry on every day, which I'm sure in time both the op and her daughter will do also.