My daughter's been assaulted. What do I do?

[surlycurly]

She nearly 17. She went out tonight to have a last meet up with friends before lockdown. Clearly she has had a lot to drink. She's been flirting with a boy, gone down an alleyway with him and then he's gotten her by the throat and made her do several things she didn't want to. She told him not to but then gave up and went with it after her bit her neck. She was afraid. She's had experience with boys and so isn't over reacting out of guilt. She has two bite marks and a swollen lip. Despite my attempts to convince her She's adamant that she will NOT press charges as she says she'll be made to look like a slut, only for it to drag on for two years and eventually go nowhere as it would be her word against his. She's Not capable of dealing with that (she's ASD). But I hate the idea of him behaving like that and not being punished for it. She was hysterical when she came home. She's ok now and has gone to bed but I'm lying here feeling like I've done the wrong thing and should have called the police. I may still do so in the morning. I've never felt so helpless or frustrated in my life.

[WanderingHopefully]

You're in a difficult situation but she's only 16, and I think you need to take responsibility for what happens next and call the police regardless of what she wants. I would normally agree with more autonomy for a16 year old, but he put his hands round her throat and then sexually assaulted her. That's too serious to be ignored.

[toothfairy73]

I am so sorry she was put through this. I am sending you both massive hugs. I understand how difficult it is to go through the process as a survivor of sexual violence. If you go to the police behind her back you will be taking what little control and power she has left away. I really recommend talking to rape crisis. They can put her in touch with an independent sexual violence advocate and they can support her to decide what she wants to do. They can also support her with counselling. Respond are also an amazing organisation and maybe able to offer the more specialised support she needs respond.org.uk/independent-sexual-violence-advocacy-isva-service/

I also think if you can get an appointment with the GP they can record it in her notes so that if she should decide to go to the police at a later date it is there as evidence.

[surlycurly]

Thank you all for the links. That's definitely a call I will make In the morning. I think will will call the police in the morning and explain to them the situation, to log it if nothing else.

[NetofLemons]

Just in case helpful to you both:

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-information/sexual-assault-referral-centres-sarcs/what-is-a-sarc/

What is a SARC?

If you're not sure whether you want to report to the police yet, you might choose to go directly to a Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC), if there is one in your area. It's good to take a friend or trusted person with you if you can.

At the SARC, you can have a forensic medical examination, as well as tests for Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) and pregnancy.

The SARC shouldn't pressure you into reporting to the police and they can store the results of the forensic examination (or evidence) until you make up your mind whether to report to the police or not.

SARCs have specially trained professionals who can give you medical help and advice. They can also help and support you through your immediate trauma.

[partyatthepalace]

@Denny53

You are a disgrace. OP’s daughter is a young adult. The problem here is the young man who attacked her not OP or her daughter. Tomorrow AM suggest you do some reading around internalised misogyny.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

Oh poor kid. I'm so sorry this happened to her. Utter wanker.

I wouldn't call the police, she's probably not wrong when she says it would be pointless but more importantly she needs to be able to trust you and you need to have her trust. That's FAR more important than reporting something she doesn't want to.

(I'd send my 'built like brick outhouse' mate to 'have a chat' with the little bastard though. And chat IS all he'd do, but he'd give him fair warning that if he gets even a whisper of him treating any girl like that ever again, he'd be a sorry little fuck).

[Zlistceleb]

Huge hugs to you both. I cannot imagine what you're going through. I'm glad that you have her clothes and photos. Is it worth writing down everything she told you whilst it's all fresh in your mind (not sure if it would help at all at a later date)?

[surlycurly]

@toothfairy73 that's incredibly good advice. Thank you. I may have another cry. I've had several awful events in my own past (dd has no idea) and for her to go through something remotely similar makes me furious.

[toothfairy73]

@surlycurly I really recommend Respond;

This is what they do (taken from website)
"Founded in 1991, Respond is a national charity providing therapy and specialist support services to people with learning disabilities, autism or both who have experienced abuse, violence or trauma."

[JaniceBattersby]

But she can’t think clearly and she doesn’t really know what will happen when she calls the police because she’s just a child.

I would absolutely impress on her the fact that you wil back her 100% even if she changes her mind at a later date about going through with a court case but that’s a long way off - for now it’s about preserving the evidence to give her the option of going to court if she ever feels she wants to.

Honestly, I sit through sexual assault cases in court day after day and this is a very, very nasty one, in particular because of his age. The SARC will believe her and be very kind. I’d do everything I could to persuade her to report.

[sazza76]

What an awful situation, I really feel for both of you. If she isn’t wanting the police to be called I doubt she will speak to them and it will cause issues between the 2 of you when she really needs you. I think all you can do is talk to her and hope she changes her mind. Like others have suggested, some photos incase she does change her mind in the future.
I was assaulted when I was 20, nothing would have persuaded me to go to the police at the time, but I would have given anything to have a parent like you that I could confide in.

[Blacktothepink]

Please call the police...my dd was assaulted at 14...it needs to be reported. She’s glad I did now she’s an adult.
I also have twin dds who are autistic and I know how distressingly this can be, but these fuckers mustn’t get away with it

[GlowingOrb]

Honestly, if you are going to encourage her to report, I wouldn’t wait until morning. The best chance of an actual conviction is physical evidence and every minute that passes so
does that chance.

[surlycurly]

@JaniceBattersby I appreciate that. She knows I'll be beside her whatever happens. But I just can't force it to happen tonight. It's the biting that truly horrified me though.

[toothfairy73]

@surlycurly i eventually reported, went through 2 trials and got a conviction but it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to be ready to do it. My sister reported on my behalf a number of years before and I was furious that she has done so. It wasn't her story to tell. It hasn't happened to her. I can under why she did it, and when it came to court they found the record of report and it was all evidence but tread really carefully. It can be logged at the GP and that is still evidence.

[FAQs]

@surlycurly the fact that you are so close might also mean sadly that she is withholding some information on what has happened, by giving her the chance to talk to a professional without you there is actually a good thing to do.

I’d be fighting not to follow what @Dragongirl10 posted as I’d be fecking off the scale right now.

But I’m my experience allowing her to discuss it without you as hard as that is for you, and knowing her options will help her later down the road as part of her way or processing this. It’s hard to go back to this at a later date if it’s not reported in the next day or so.

[YerWanSaid]

The same thing happened to my 16 year old DD also ASD, she refused to report it.

I explained I had to contact the police as she was under 18 and I had a duty to report the details in case the person had done it before to someone else or would do it again to someone else.

I emailed our local station and gave all the details but did not give my DD's name or address. I told them she would be happy to report if it happened again to anyone else but she would not do it alone.

They were very helpful, urged me to get her to make an official report but understood why she might not want to.

I feel this was the best decision for my family at the time.

[Namechangedforthisoct2]

As a rape victim at aged 18 and again aged 35 ish and now a mother to a 17 yr old, I would 100% say you’ve done the right thing.

Rape and is sexual assault is about power and control. She just lost all her power and control, and trust - she can’t now lose that with her own mum too.
She needs to trust you absolutely and know you’ve got her back, and are being honest with her.

Sadly, given the details I’d also agree that a police case is a waste of time. Which is appalling as I didn’t used to feel this way. Until I went through a rape trial myself, it was horrific. Just look at rape and sexual assault conviction rates :(

[CthulhuInDisguise]

I know what I would be tempted to do and it involves a bunch of burly bouncers and the same dark alley. But clearly that isn't realistic. It's difficult and while my instincts would be to accept her decision not to involve the police, I would probably still call them and at least that way, even if she doesn't cooperate fully, they have a crime log so if it happens again to her or another girl, there is a record of this attack to show a pattern of behaviour.

I was recently a juror in a murder trial where the murderer had raped a girl repeatedly when they were teens, and the rape allegations were not reported at the time because the girl didn't believe that she would be taken seriously because she was sexually active at 15. She got justice 12 years later but only after a horrific murder (no sexual motive, but the rape victim went to the police to suggest where she thought he might have hidden the body and then told the police about the rape). The police are getting better at dealing with young victims.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

I'm so sorry this happened to her

I echo the advice to take photos, get everything written down and keep her clothes. She may change her mind in the coming days or weeks and this will give her options.

She has already been violated by this person, she had no control and all the control she has left is who she tells and when. Calling the police against her wishes would make her feel violated and out of control again. She sounds like she has thought through her reasons, and, sadly, she is probably correct.

Your focus should be on what she wants you to do to help her through this, and I really hope you have some good rl support to help you through supporting her too

[toothfairy73]

@surlycurly I'm so sorry this must be so triggering for you too.

Here is a website I (and the other survivors) set up to help people going through the criminal justice system. It includes a blog describing what it felt like. There are pages on self care and useful information. It has to be an informed decision and it's hard to make that decision when there is nothing anywhere else about what it felt like.

Here is the link warriorwoman.blog/

[MrsJasonIsbell]

You are doing right by her by supporting her decision. A similar thing happened to my (non ASD if that's relevant although I do work in the field of ASD and understand how difficult communication can be for parents in your situation) daughter at a similar age and she is now in her 20s. We still talk about it and she is still glad I didn't make her go through the ordeal of police and potential court case although she wishes there had been some justice done. If we knew justice would be served it would be entirely different but her trusting you to be there for her and heal is more important just now. We all know the justice system is not sufficiently robust in rape/sexual assault cases and we don't want to make our own daughters be the ones who take on the system when they have already experienced trauma. I feel your pain OP, I really do. Massive hugs xx

[surlycurly]

@toothfairy73 I'm so sorry to hear that. And I'm incredibly in awe of your for pursuing it. I was sexually assaulted at 14 and I'd no more have reported it or told my parents than flown in the air. I then had a string of situations that I didn't pursue because of the whole my word against theirs thing. I'm also Asd and have been quite vulnerable in the past. That's why I'll fight her corner all day if I have to, but I also know that burning shame that you live with and the dread of anyone knowing. If she's feeling like that just now then I can't force her into anything. I just need to support her. I think I'll also contact the gp too.

[EverythingsComingUpRoses]

With PDA she will have an anxiety driven need to control things

Her attacker has taken away her control -if you report this without her consent then her control diminishes even further and you know she will fight in every way possible to get that back

You have a good relationship, you know how to talk to her and your gut instinct was to listen to her and follow what she wanted you to do or not do in this case

She's likely in that initial 'must panic' moment that lots of people with PDA experience that leads to shut down and refusal
Time can change this response but if you push it she will dig her heels in further -she will come to the right choice, for her, in time and you just need to support her as best you can

@surlycurly I'm not trying to teach you about PDA, you clearly know it and your daughter very well, but there are a lot of people offering up advice that clearly don't understand

[Yohoheaveho]

I'm so sorry this is awful so awful for you both💐
I agree with others who have said it's very important that she is able to trust you and you clearly have a really brilliant supportive trusting relationship with her
Do you think she would be amenable to any kind of professional help?