My daughter's been assaulted. What do I do?

[surlycurly]

She nearly 17. She went out tonight to have a last meet up with friends before lockdown. Clearly she has had a lot to drink. She's been flirting with a boy, gone down an alleyway with him and then he's gotten her by the throat and made her do several things she didn't want to. She told him not to but then gave up and went with it after her bit her neck. She was afraid. She's had experience with boys and so isn't over reacting out of guilt. She has two bite marks and a swollen lip. Despite my attempts to convince her She's adamant that she will NOT press charges as she says she'll be made to look like a slut, only for it to drag on for two years and eventually go nowhere as it would be her word against his. She's Not capable of dealing with that (she's ASD). But I hate the idea of him behaving like that and not being punished for it. She was hysterical when she came home. She's ok now and has gone to bed but I'm lying here feeling like I've done the wrong thing and should have called the police. I may still do so in the morning. I've never felt so helpless or frustrated in my life.

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry for you both. For now, rather than focus on whether you're doing the right thing by calling the police or not, could you focus on that fact that you HAVE done the right thing by bringing up a child who is confident enough to recognise when something is wrong and to tell you about it? That is HUGE and deserves a massive pat on the back

@surlycurly Respond also will support you as well as your daughter.

Thank you for posting that really helpful leaflet link OTannenbaum. OP wishing you both all the very best.

@Viviennemary

He sounds dangerous if he grabbed her by the throat. I think the police should be informed about it even if she doesn't want to press charges. He may have form for this.

Agreed.

Sounds like a nasty and dangerous thing to do.

Poor girl.

This is not for now. This is far too early, but here is a link to a free course for survivors www.victimfocus.org.uk/free-caring-for-yourself-after-sexual-violence

Sorry no advice but I am just so sorry.

Op, similar happened to me when I was 18. On a girls holiday to Magaluf. I was raped, after my friends helped a boy spike me. I had a thread about it. I’m not sure if it’s still up.

Can I just say you must be a great mum for her to tell you! I told no one except the stranger that helped me in Spain and they called the police but I refused to speak to them. I do regret it a little now.. but i get so panicky thinking about my MSK knowing.

Only my boyfriend knows. I spoke to rape cross and they didn’t help. It still gets to me 3 years later and I still have thick scar tissue that sometimes bleeds I bled for over a week after the event

*mam knowing.

I am also suspected ASD but not diagnosed.
I’d respect her wishes but make clear to her how vital it is to consider talking to the police, even if she doesn’t press charges she can report it. They can look for evidence on her clothes incase someone else comes forward (god forbid) and her evidence may help their prosecution.

But don’t pressure her. This is her trauma to deal with and she shouldn’t be guilted but the idea that it may happen to someone else. Someone told me I was as bad as my rapist as by not reporting I let them get away with it. I’m not. Only rapists cause rape.

@CantRememberHoliday I'm so sorry for what you were out through.

"Someone told me I was as bad as my rapist as by not reporting I let them get away with it. I’m not. Only rapists cause rape."

I'm so glad you were able to not take on that responsibility It's not your responsibility it is his. I'm sorry rape crisis weren't able to help you at the time. I really recommend their support line for those really difficult days. I wouldn't be here without it. Here are some useful resources; it had the helpline number listed here too along with opening times

warriorwoman.blog/useful-resources/

I'd call the police anyway. ASD aside.

So sorry to hear what happened OP. The one thing that might persuade your daughter to at least report to the police is that 'hands around the neck' is a known pre-cursor for men who murder their girlfriends/wives. I'm not scare-mongering here. If you google Laura Richards you will find links to all kinds of articles - she set up the Paladin stalking service here in the UK when she was with Scotland Yard, and has done a lot of work around teaching police about lead -ups to these horrific murders that start as 'domestic abuse' and escalate. If you r daughter was willing to look at the research, it might stop another young woman being assaulted if this man is shown up for who/what he is and what he has done. I understand her reulctance though, hugs to you both Xxx

Another thought. If you know his name you could always report him anonymously through crimestoppers crimestoppers-uk.org/

I'm so sorry, what a horrific experience for such a young girl.

It's good you've photographed and bagged all the evidence you can. Ideally if she could avoid showering tonight that means something could still be collected tomorrow.

I know she's against talking to the police. But it can be be very empowering for victims to tell their story, have someone believe them and see the wheels of justice turning. Even if no conviction, seeing people listen to you, and work with you is powerful. If she doesn't, she will try her hardest to repress it and it will impact her relationships and her life in unknown ways. She's too young and too scared to fully grasp the enormity of letting him walk without saying anything - he will take her power away forever.

Obviously you can't force her but she is very young, and hopefully you can convince her tomorrow to go to the police or SARC. Certainly though have her speak to a counsellor specialising in sexual assault though.

What an absolute animal that boy is. He's definitely done it before, the brazen cheek to do it so publically. You might find if you do go to the police, he already has a caution or a record.

I have been assaulted and also have a 16 year old daughter. I genuinely do not know what I would do in your situation. I never felt strong enough to go through a court case, even though the CPS brought it to court, but I had no support and felt utterly alone. Just believe her - which you obviously are doing. Not many people believed me bar the police to be honest. I just felt that nobody else would. I felt that a jury wouldn't believe me (I too had been drinking when assaulted).

She actually is old enough to make a decision about this in time, but she can make the complaint to the police and they can gather evidence now (in the morning even) without him ever having to know and without her ever having to proceed further with it. (I think - double check that - as at 16 I'm not sure whether laws are same as for an adult).

I hope never to be in your shoes lady. I wish you all the wisdom in the world to know what's best.

I regret not going to court, but I know (with a wise old head on me) that I just wasn't able to at the time, so I've accepted that. At her age, you might have to take on a bit of the blame for whatever decision she takes - it comes with the territory of being a Mum unfortunately sometimes. When Mums of boys insist on rearing animals!!!

How awful, OP, thoughts with both of you. In your shoes I would want the police involved and I'd be honest about that, but at 17 she's entitled to make her own decision and to have it respected. If she was posting on here on her own account, I think most responses would be saying just that. I agree with pp he sounds dangerous though, and at the very least I'd be trying to persuade her of the wisdom of photographs etc, just in case there's another incident and she changes her mind.

If you speak to the police yourself tomorrow and explain that she's reluctant etc., they may speak to her and persuade her to just get photos and things taken - evidence that is time critical.

Maybe then in a couple of weeks time, after she discusses the case with the police after they've sent it to the CPS, then you can look at all the rest. They'll want a recorded interview with her at the police station as evidence.

I think I'd play this one by ear. You know what she can handle.

I couldn't make the decision for myself, so I really don't know what decision I would try to make for my dd. I'd probably shoot the cunt tbh. But that's neither here nor there.

When you are in danger, you just want to be safe. Lots of people don’t want a stressful visit to the police station, they want to recover from their ordeal. However as time goes by and she has to relive the incident and feel pain the injustice of what happened may start to burn inside her. Realistically however if it’s her word against his with no CCTV etc to back her up there might be a low chance of conviction. She will put herself through stress for no reason. I don’t have a good answer. For the moment hold her and tell her she is safe. If she doesn’t want to report, don’t force her. For me, after numerous assaults and freezing/not fighting back what made the difference was when someone went to assault me and I hurt them before they hurt me. That one moment healed so many years of pain, especially as I had been blamed for what happened to me. If she feels powerful and able to defend herself she will overcome some of the fear that she will experience in the next few months. Teach her confidence, empowerment and boundaries. You will never regret it.

How are you doing this morning @surlycurly ? Did you manage to get any sleep?

Did the bastard break her skin when he bit her? If so, she’ll probably need a tetanus jab.
God love her.

I know you need to respect her decisions but taling evidence and reporting it is right i think, as biting and grabbing throats while forcing girls to perform acts they dont want sounds like it could escalate

Just chiming in to say I wouldn't ring the police without her consent either. She has told you in confidence and she is old enough to know her own mind. I was sexually abused as a child and wish it had never gone to the police and through court. It nearly killed me. I had no say when people found out (I was 16). Even now, I always hold a piece of the puzzle back whenever I share anything with anyone. I just don't trust people. Sometimes the overriding sense of what is morally 'right' isn't 'right' for the individual at the centre of it. It's not up to victims to stop perpetrators. It's great if they feel that they can, but from my perspective your daughter comes first and you do whatever you have to in order to support her right now.

Thinking of you both x

How awful for her! I would report him too. At least it will be on record. What if he does it to her again or someone else .. or, god, forbid, his behaviour worsens as he (in his mind) got away with it. What he did is not normal .. doesn’t matter how much she’d had to drink. Any decent young man would have made sure she got home safely!

Ffs do not call the police. She doesn’t want to and it would in all truth be pointless but you would have removed her control over the situation to make yourself feel better. My DD had a similar situation and she would have been in pieces if I’d tried to take it further. What she wanted was to be told that it absolutely wasn’t something she’d brought on herself and it made no difference at all to how we felt about her. Lots of hugs, lots of talking it through so she could resolve it in her own mind and acknowledge that it happened, it was a bad thing but she was in no way responsible and it doesn’t have to continue to affect her life negatively.