My daughter's been assaulted. What do I do?

[surlycurly]

She nearly 17. She went out tonight to have a last meet up with friends before lockdown. Clearly she has had a lot to drink. She's been flirting with a boy, gone down an alleyway with him and then he's gotten her by the throat and made her do several things she didn't want to. She told him not to but then gave up and went with it after her bit her neck. She was afraid. She's had experience with boys and so isn't over reacting out of guilt. She has two bite marks and a swollen lip. Despite my attempts to convince her She's adamant that she will NOT press charges as she says she'll be made to look like a slut, only for it to drag on for two years and eventually go nowhere as it would be her word against his. She's Not capable of dealing with that (she's ASD). But I hate the idea of him behaving like that and not being punished for it. She was hysterical when she came home. She's ok now and has gone to bed but I'm lying here feeling like I've done the wrong thing and should have called the police. I may still do so in the morning. I've never felt so helpless or frustrated in my life.

My goodness, the number of people on here who are advocating taking a position of power over a young teenager who has already been subjected to a terrible abuse of power is shocking. She will need to feel in control of something Of course you should not call the police until you have talked to your daughter some more. It would be a terrible violation of her trust to just call the police tonight when she is so clear she does not want you to do that.

I am not saying you should never call the police just that if you do so against her wishes , you need to prepare your daughter and do it in a gentle and calm a way as possible
But even if you do call, what if she refuses to speak to the police or the stress of having to talk to them causes her more distress than she can handle ( given her ASD a real possibility). You absolutely need to be led by her wishes but at the same time get her help to understand what has happened and how she wants to deal with this .

No advice OP, just a massive handhold in case it's at all useful, this must be awful for you too. Hope you and DD manage to get some sleep and the way forward seems clearer in the morning

@EverythingsComingUpRoses you're exactly right. Pushing her to do this tonight is a million percent not going to work. She will simply clam up or deny everything or have a huge meltdown and end up hysterical. I could no more have made her go to the police station than I could have made her shave her head. The idea of anyone else touching her or making her do what they want (eg photographs etc) had her hyperventilating just talking about it. Maybe tomorrow she'll feel differently when she's processed it but doing it tonight would simply have been a waste of time.

@surlycurly it is amazing she has a mum like you. I didn't ever think I would ever report. EVER. I put some many barriers in the way (see my first blog warriorwoman.blog/2019/03/07/to-report-or-not-to-report-that-is-the-question-febuary-2/). I just got to a point where I had to try. But it is a very personal decision and no one else can make it for you. People sometimes put pressure on saying you have a responsibility to protect others, but that is simply not true. The only person responsible is the person who chooses to use sexual violence against others. It's HIS responsibility not yours. Not your daughters. The only responsibility you have is to support her (which is what you are doing). I'm sending so much love right now. Happy for you to DM it you want to talk about it.

Does she have regular contact with this piece of shit? Do you know his parents?

So sorry this has happened OP. What a nasty piece of work. The biting doesn’t concern me as much as the hands round the throat but obviously it’s all awful to think about.

The idea of going to/speaking to a local SARC in the first instance is a very good one. As far as I understand it they are able to listen in confidence, document what has happened and collect evidence if she allows them to. The sooner the better from the point of view of physical evidence but I understand if she is now asleep that you may wish to leave it til morning. Ideally keep her clothes bagged up in a plastic bag and don’t let her have a shower etc. until she is examined for evidence if she will allow this.

They will likely try to persuade her to talk to police but I don’t believe they insist on it being reported to police if she doesn’t want it to be. They deal with such situations all the time sadly so have seen it all before and know exactly what to do and say.

I would definitely try to persuade her to speak to a SARC in the first instance rather than call police if she doesn’t want to right now. I think it is really important that she doesn’t feel her trust has been broken. If she speaks to the people at the SARC then they can take on the role of trying to persuade her to report and the burden doesn’t only fall on you.

No you need to do it tonight so they can take the samples off her skin and under the fingernails. By morning most of it will be washed away. If she doesn’t want to do it for herself tell her to think of the other girls she’s saving.

Oh and to add to my post she needs to go to a SARC if he’s bitten her and it drew blood she may need a hepatitis jab. I got bitten by a scumbag on my chest like that and I needed 3 jabs as they weren’t to know if he had hepatitis or not.

Nothing to add to previous suggestions of rape crisis, but just to say you sound like a wonderful parent and have a really lovely relationship with your daughter and that will help and protect her for whatever comes/she decides.

The SARC option sounds exactly right. I'll give her the information tomorrow too. I don't know how I'm ever going to sleep tonight. Thank you all for the practical information and the support. I understand both points of view here, I really do. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make as a parent.

Just re the photos, they ought to be taken by a third party, a SARC centre, A&E, possibly GP otherwise if she did want to seek a prosecution, the photos you have might not be accepted, if you take them on a phone be prepared to hand over your phone so the images can be authenticated and dated.

At least ensure she speaks with speaks with someone so she can determine where she wants to go and seek some assistance. Otherwise even at the risk she might be pissed off with you, later down the road she’ll know you didn’t make her do anything she didn’t want to do whilst also acknowledging you armed her with the knowledge of what she can do.

@OTannenbaum my experience of an ISVA (not through a SARC but through rape crisis) is that they never put any pressure on me to report. It was entirely my decision and they would support me to do whatever was right for me. I didn't go to a SARC as it was historic so I don't know whether it would be different there.

@NetofLemons

Just in case helpful to you both:

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-information/sexual-assault-referral-centres-sarcs/what-is-a-sarc/

What is a SARC?

If you're not sure whether you want to report to the police yet, you might choose to go directly to a Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC), if there is one in your area. It's good to take a friend or trusted person with you if you can.

At the SARC, you can have a forensic medical examination, as well as tests for Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) and pregnancy.

The SARC shouldn't pressure you into reporting to the police and they can store the results of the forensic examination (or evidence) until you make up your mind whether to report to the police or not.

SARCs have specially trained professionals who can give you medical help and advice. They can also help and support you through your immediate trauma.

Thank you for that link. That's useful information to know for anyone with daughters, frankly.

@surlycurly I think this is probably the best info you've been given.

oops, cross posted.

I've reflected on what I said and think it was wrong, sorry. I was violently assaulted by my XH in front of my mum, and she did nothing to support me to report it. I think that clouded my judgement reading your post, and you should do whatever your daughter feels is right for her, supported by those who know lots about this subject as has been suggested for both of you

I think I would be going to A&E with the bite or at least contact 111. She should really have a tetanus injection and ?prophylactic meds for blood borne diseases. Think they sometimes give prophylactic antibiotics for a human bite too for high risk of infection.

@WanderingHopefully

You're in a difficult situation but she's only 16, and I think you need to take responsibility for what happens next and call the police regardless of what she wants. I would normally agree with more autonomy for a16 year old, but he put his hands round her throat and then sexually assaulted her. That's too serious to be ignored.

Definitely this!!!

@saraclara I totally agree. She needs someone's voice in her ear that is neutral and informative. Not just me dictating what I think is best.

I'm sorry to read this OP. My daughter is PDA too. Very difficult. If it was me, I'd lodge it with the police and tell them about her. Once she's calmed down sufficiently, she may change her mind. Of course the police may say they can't do anything without your daughter but you've got nothing to lose. Big hugs to you in such difficult circumstances

@WanderingHopefully you poor thing. I'm so sorry that happened to you. And I appreciate you coming back to me. It's speaks volumes for the person that you are.

@surlycurly I know some people said you need to go to a SARC now. You don't; I've just looked at this (it is from USA). It tells you what you should/shouldn't do with regards to dna evidence. You can collect dna up to 72 hours www.rainn.org/articles/rape-kit

@surlycurly you sound like a brilliant mum. I would also say call the police, this person sounds dangerous and it isn’t fair what happened to her, but I understand you want to respect your daughters wishes. She WILL be taken seriously, especially with the injuries.
I’m so sorry you’re both going through this. Xx

Yes I’m pretty sure they won’t make her report if she doesn’t want to. That’s my understanding of what happens at a SARC anyway. Sorry to hear of others horrible experiences too including toothfairy and OP herself.

The people who deal with these things day in and day out are amazing and really experienced in handling these situations, and I know at a SARC they are super sensitive to the fact that people will likely find the whole process potentially violating and are very much aware of that and make it as easy and gentle as possible.

OP, I found this leaflet that you and your DD might want to look through together to help decide what to do next. It goes into the role of a SARc a little bit and talks about other options like someone mentioned earlier ilthread of reporting anonymously etc.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Your-rights-your-body-your-life-a-young-personss-guide-to-sexual-violence-and-the-law.pdf

@OTannenbaum that guide is the most helpful and depressing thing ever. Thank you for sharing it. I can't believe this has happened.

She is right. Women get slut shamed. Not believed. Nothing will happen to him.

However. Keep clothing as evidence and take photos of evidence. Write down exactly what happened and when/where. At a later date then she can decide.

It’s a shit deal for women and girls. Men get away with so much.