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Original poster

Zoom call that has made me feel shit

253 replies

Ahallly · 30/12/2020 11:02

NC as very outing. Had a zoom call last night with five friends. All relatively close but some closer than others. Subject turns to money and this one woman who tends to dominate decided to ask if we were all being sensible and keeping up with savings each month Hmm she then said to us to ‘go round the zoom’ and let’s say what we are all saving to keep us all on track. They all said a figure between 800-1,200 and mine was 200. Then they started talking about what was left on mortgages with them all having 10 years to go!! I have 20!! It was really uncomfortable. After the call my closest friend called me and asked if I was ok as she must have sensed I was upset. I live alone and it’s hard to save. She said this woman might have been worried about her finances and that she wasn’t saving 1,000 a month in reality and had just copied the others.

I know it’s silly but I never thought about friends savings before and now I’m so worried I’m really unusual or not going to be able to pay off a mortgage as fast and so on. Just wanted a sense check really. We are all in mid/late 30s. Feel a bit shit about it.

OP posts:
TillyTopper · 30/12/2020 14:53

If anyone asked me what I saved or what I had left on my mortgage I'd tell them to mind their own fucking business! I seriously think you should do the same. Had you considered that people may not be truthful? Some of those amounts sounds very high for savings / month.

sherrystrull · 30/12/2020 14:57

Op, it's very odd. I have friends like this and they are deeply insecure. The only way they can feel better is by making others feel bad.

In addition, having read the whole thread @Apollo3 you have come across so badly. You've been rude and snooty to many posters accusing them of being hard of understanding. Try having some empathy.

You state that it's obvious people will have more money in a pandemic but show breathtakingly no understanding that many people are struggling for money at the moment.

And of course people assume you're talking about pounds, the majority of posters are in the UK. Don't be deceptive and Lord it over others who misunderstood. Clearly says more about you than them.

Woahisme · 30/12/2020 15:03

@sherrystrull

Op, it's very odd. I have friends like this and they are deeply insecure. The only way they can feel better is by making others feel bad.

In addition, having read the whole thread @Apollo3 you have come across so badly. You've been rude and snooty to many posters accusing them of being hard of understanding. Try having some empathy.

You state that it's obvious people will have more money in a pandemic but show breathtakingly no understanding that many people are struggling for money at the moment.

And of course people assume you're talking about pounds, the majority of posters are in the UK. Don't be deceptive and Lord it over others who misunderstood. Clearly says more about you than them.

Agree with all of this.
Lollyneenah · 30/12/2020 15:08

If it ever comes up again perhaps say you dont feel the need to save so much because the interest on your trust is plenty Wink

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2020 15:12

What a fucking weirdo thing to do!! Shock
SO smug, and "look how good I'm being" - fuck off!

I'm glad a nice friend called you back after, but she actually added to the problem by lying about it - it would have been far better if she'd been truthful in the first place so that you didn't stand out as much.

I don't honestly believe anyone has any right to have that sort of information about their friends - next time, just say "that's not something I'm happy to talk about, so let's just move on, shall we?"

I hate discussing finances with people! Nor politics. I NEVER talk politics with one of my oldest friends, because she is the opposite end of the political spectrum to me, so we'd fall out pretty fecking fast if we did.
I do sometimes have religion discussions with people because I don't have a fixed belief, so it's not something that I'm likely to get mortally offended by - but it's a tough subject as well and best avoided!

Beachcomber74 · 30/12/2020 15:12

Wow if you’re managing to save £200pcm you’re doing really well. Comparison is the thief of joy.

goldielockdown2 · 30/12/2020 15:19

I'd have just said it was crass to talk about money. I wouldn't talk finances with anyone as part of a normal conversation with friends.

Lindy2 · 30/12/2020 15:21

Generally I'd say there are 2 topics to avoid to keep good friendships.

  1. Finances
  2. How you vote

I'd think your friends very rude for discussing such details.

Eckhart · 30/12/2020 15:23

[quote Ahallly]@AcornAutumn I don’t know what you’re trying to get at here but I was taken by surprise. I know it was weird for her to start the chat, but I’m on a call with friends I’ve not seen in weeks. Give me a bit of a break here.[/quote]
I'm going to be blunt

You are in your 30s. You should not be taking on peer pressure like this

How can you not know what this person is trying to get at? You were uncomfortable because your boundaries were breached and you allowed them to be.

You need to be giving yourself a break, from feeling that this sort of conversation is pressure to lower your boundaries, by telling people to mind their own business. Just because somebody asks you about something, it doesn't mean you have to tell them. 'Why do you ask?' is a good one to turn the spotlight back onto them. Then, if they can't give you a satisfactory reason, or just say they're 'interested', you can calmly say 'That's not something I'm interested in talking about, myself. Nice weather we've been having...'

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2020 15:28

Zoom calls can be quite confrontational where a face to face meet up wouldn't be.
In Australia, we've had to do our P&C (PTA equivalent) meetings via Zoom most of this year, and our Principal in particular has found them pretty hard going, as she likes to "feel the room", and has felt somewhat attacked by some parents in some of the meetings.

So I understand the OP's feelings of being caught offguard and feeling unable to respond with boundaries in the same way that she might have done in a face to face situation.

Sorka · 30/12/2020 15:31

I have a friend like this. She has asked our friendship group as a whole and me individually. It comes from a place of insecurity as she wants to check she’s not being left behind/is doing what she should, but that doesn’t make it any less intrusive or annoying.

I think I bear the brunt of it because we’re both single without kids so I’m in the closest position to her. I always refuse to answer her questions and I think she’s finally learnt that I won’t be answering. She still tries from time to time.

Mamanyt · 30/12/2020 15:32

If anything like this comes up again, tell them that you are sorry, but prefer not to discuss financial matters outside of immediate, involved family. I cannot imagine anyone in my group of friends suggesting a round-robin of "How Much I Save." They would get VERY short shrift in a rush. We've all discussed such things before, but participation and amount of details was entirely voluntary.

Neenan · 30/12/2020 15:33

my friends and I have talked about length of mortgage left and whether pension was on track but never actual numbers and certainly not savings, that is hideous. And when we have discussed it has been in person over a glad or six of wine, not on a bloody Zoom call.

She sounds bonkers. And boasty.

SmileyClare · 30/12/2020 15:41

I don't like the sound of the "woman who always tends to dominate". It was a breathtakingly crass game to suggest and demonstrates a real lack of empathy or understanding of other people's situations.

As already pointed out, some people are facing huge financial difficulties at the moment and might not want to air those in a public showdown.

It's a friendly meet up not a trial by jury! The dynamic between you seems really off.
What next? How often do you wank, let's go round the group. Confused

ProfessionalWeirdo · 30/12/2020 15:43

I was always told that you should never discuss finances with other people, and to ask anyone about theirs was considered highly impertinent.

TuxedoPantherSheHer · 30/12/2020 15:43

@Apollo3

Zoom can be a bit of a minefield. It creates a false intimacy

Not with friends who you talk to in real life, it does nothing of the sort, if anything its the opposite.

Well, I’m glad to hear you have friends to talk to in real life. Surprised mind, but also glad.
Apollo3 · 30/12/2020 15:44

I imagine you are surprised, the average MN'ers view of friendship is bizarre at best. Surprised half of you even understand the word, let alone have any.

Friendswithwhenifits · 30/12/2020 15:52

You are doing the best in your situation! Don’t feel bad for not achieving the impossible. They say comparison is the thief of joy. The secret to life is liking what you do and feeling good about it.

Chumleymouse · 30/12/2020 15:53

I’ve have said I don’t save anything, I spend half on drugs and a hooker once a month and the rest I just blow it ............with a dead pan face. 😐

Lindy2 · 30/12/2020 16:02

I’ve have said I don’t save anything, I spend half on drugs and a hooker once a month and the rest I just blow it ............with a dead pan face

The best answer Grin

earthyfire · 30/12/2020 16:02

I wouldn't have participated and I wouldn't have cared if they all looked at me!

mistletoeandsigh · 30/12/2020 16:08

Aww... I can't afford to save anything at the moment. I also cannot afford a mortgage. I have a decent job too, have just been a single parent for a long time Sad

Mydogmylife · 30/12/2020 16:08

@katy1213

And of five grown women not one of you said, 'Mind your own bloody business?' Are you sheep? People can only dominate in this unpleasant way if you let them.
Absolutely ! What on earth were all of you thinking ? This is no friend and I have my doubts that everyone was telling the truth anyway . Ignore, ignore ignore, and if anything like this comes up again refuse to participate
SmileyClare · 30/12/2020 16:10

Love it ChumleyMouse that would lighten the mood. Grin
Humour is always the best get out of jail card for awkward situations.

ivfbabymomma1 · 30/12/2020 16:32

Is have said £3000 a month to take the p**s
Who talks about money like that?! My best friend could be a millionaire and I wouldn't know?! The only person who's finances I know are my husbands because our wages go to one account. Madness!