Zoom call that has made me feel shit

[Ahallly]

NC as very outing. Had a zoom call last night with five friends. All relatively close but some closer than others. Subject turns to money and this one woman who tends to dominate decided to ask if we were all being sensible and keeping up with savings each month she then said to us to ‘go round the zoom’ and let’s say what we are all saving to keep us all on track. They all said a figure between 800-1,200 and mine was 200. Then they started talking about what was left on mortgages with them all having 10 years to go!! I have 20!! It was really uncomfortable. After the call my closest friend called me and asked if I was ok as she must have sensed I was upset. I live alone and it’s hard to save. She said this woman might have been worried about her finances and that she wasn’t saving 1,000 a month in reality and had just copied the others.

I know it’s silly but I never thought about friends savings before and now I’m so worried I’m really unusual or not going to be able to pay off a mortgage as fast and so on. Just wanted a sense check really. We are all in mid/late 30s. Feel a bit shit about it.

Practice saying buzz off with a smile on your face.

Paying your mortgage is saving. Forget it.

Nobody's business, OP, except your own.

Your options, should something like that happen, in future, are, to make something up. Say something ridiculous like one million a week, or whatever you feel like saying.

Or, click out of the zoom call, technology let you down .

Don't give it any further thought.

I feel a touch of the Dowager coming on.
"Oh good, let's talk about money!".
If you're ever again in conversation with such rude people just smile and say that you never discuss the vulgar penny.

She is weird for asking, the rest of you are weird for answering.

Bunch of oddballs

Zoom can be a bit of a minefield. It creates a false intimacy

Not with friends who you talk to in real life, it does nothing of the sort, if anything its the opposite.

I'm sorry to be blunt OP but you should have told her to jog on when asked a question like that.

The only person apart from me who knows my financial status is my DH.

I'm very close to my 2 D'Sis's but even if they asked me they would be told not their business.

Oh and this "Friend" is not a friend.

Trust me if you have savings which people find out about, odds are you will be asked to “lend” some or forever be paying for them on group meals.

Best to say nothing!

If that were my friends I’d have laughed in their faces and told them to bog off and stop being nosey! Luckily I don’t actually have any friends who would be wanky enough to instigate such a demeaning conversation.

My partner of four years doesn't know exactly how much I earn, I'd not be discussing it with friends in a million years. I think you were put on the spot (and it was rude of your friend to bring it up as a topic)

You're doing fine. Im in my forties perfectly comfortable enough and never put that much away. Yes I'll be paying the mortgage for a while yet, working until the government let me stop, but with interest rates low and a happy enough life, who cares!

Just resolve to keep schtoom next time. They were bragging by the sound of it, very odd topic to bring up.

@JazzyGeoff

She is weird for asking, the rest of you are weird for answering.

Bunch of oddballs

This made me laugh! And is also true! What a weird conversation.

Sounds like she was looking for a way to boast about what she's saving, and I bet she knew well that some of you wouldn't be able to save as much. I'd be very surprised if they were all telling the truth anyway! I've never discussed finances with my friends and they have no idea how much I save, just as I have no idea how much they're saving.

£200 a month is more than many people are able to save these days so I wouldn't worry about it, you're doing great.

Thank you @JazzyGeoff

She is weird for asking, the rest of you are weird for answering.

Bunch of oddballs

100% agree.

OP, have you heard the phrase, “Comparison is the thief of joy?”:I think you are doing very well financially but by comparing yourself to your friends all that you have achieved seems negated.

I would now make sure you don’t ever get into a conversation with these ‘friends’ again about finances or anything else which could make you uncomfortable. In your situation I would have said I never discuss money as it is done so only by common and vulgar people. In fact, the people who open up to me about their money situations are always the ones who have the “champagne lifestyle but lemonade budget” and they are trying to justify their new house, car, holiday etc. I have no interest though.

Don’t feel bad about life, OP. I think that is you are managing to save and you live alone you are doing brilliantly. I never could!

This is so odd! Whatever you save and whatever you have left on your mortgage is no one else's concern!

Whatever you manage to save, how small it is you are doing very well because you are doing it when alot of people do not have enough money to live off and you are doing it in a pandemic!

A mortgage is a mortgage. You will pay it off when you can.

I also wouldn't believe half of it and I wouldn't engage in anything like this again.

@covidaintacrime

Lots of people are able to save a lot more now than they did before. I'm amazed this comes as news to anyone, its perfectly bloody obvious!

Some people can, and they are fortunate. The mentality of "if you can't save during this lockdown then you're wasting your money and I have no sympathy for you" is pretty unkind. It's great you can save twice as much, but half of my money has gone out the door in heating bills, ordering takeaway to try and help the economy, PPE & a lot more cleaning gear etc, needing to fix the car as DH is a key worker etc.

Oh don't try to say you're ordering takeaways to save the economy, ffs!

Comparing to others always ends in misery. In all aspects of life. You could have ‘everything’ and still compare to others and find something you fall short on.

Don’t worry about others (especially people like that woman!) Just do you and be happy with what you do have! trying to take own advice 😅

VodselForDinner
Every child should hear this. I wish I'd had this strength over the years, fair dues and well done!

When I read this, I just felt she was going to announce next meet-up that she is a a trainee financial advisor now and she'd be happy to give you advice on how to make your savings grow!

If she were single, I'd be suspecting that she had a new man who was an investment consultant, or maybe it's her brother.

You shouldve just told them it was none of their business or that you didn't want to answer a personal question. If an individual can afford to save £1000 a month, they're in a very blessed position and should not brag about it, knowing that the average UK citizen is not in that position.

Your saving £200, your friend is saving nothing and feels shot about it so hoped the rest of her friendship group was also managing not to save.

You have got 20 years on your mirage and save 200 month and you live on your own. Well done you should feel proud of yourself.you sound like a lovely person. There is more to life than money. Your friend sounds awful.I think you are doing great.if it makes you feel better I save 50 per month and have 20 years left on my mirage and I’m early 40

Mortgage

It’s crass to talk about money with friends. It’s really nosey.
I’ve known my best friend for 40 years and we never talk about money. Ever.