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Original poster

Zoom call that has made me feel shit

253 replies

Ahallly · 30/12/2020 11:02

NC as very outing. Had a zoom call last night with five friends. All relatively close but some closer than others. Subject turns to money and this one woman who tends to dominate decided to ask if we were all being sensible and keeping up with savings each month Hmm she then said to us to ‘go round the zoom’ and let’s say what we are all saving to keep us all on track. They all said a figure between 800-1,200 and mine was 200. Then they started talking about what was left on mortgages with them all having 10 years to go!! I have 20!! It was really uncomfortable. After the call my closest friend called me and asked if I was ok as she must have sensed I was upset. I live alone and it’s hard to save. She said this woman might have been worried about her finances and that she wasn’t saving 1,000 a month in reality and had just copied the others.

I know it’s silly but I never thought about friends savings before and now I’m so worried I’m really unusual or not going to be able to pay off a mortgage as fast and so on. Just wanted a sense check really. We are all in mid/late 30s. Feel a bit shit about it.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 30/12/2020 13:23

I think it's good to talk about savings and do chat about money/relationships/work with close friends but not in a group situation or like this boasting zoom. To me, if you can't talk about money you're not close friends at all you're acquaintances.

Apollo3 · 30/12/2020 13:26

What, with anyone? confused

No, with a friend for merely starting a conversation on a topic you don;t like (fairly obviously). Do you always struggle this much with understanding?

TonkinLenkicks · 30/12/2020 13:26

Eurgh it's not polite to talk about money. Sounds like she wanted an ego boost. Next time tell her she's being uncouth!

Apollo3 · 30/12/2020 13:26

The mentality of "if you can't save during this lockdown then you're wasting your money and I have no sympathy for you" is pretty unkind

It might be if that what was said, which it was not.

covidaintacrime · 30/12/2020 13:27

No, with a friend for merely starting a conversation on a topic you don;t like (fairly obviously). Do you always struggle this much with understanding?

You stated: "Going no contact", what an arse you have to be to even say that, let alone do it!. Forgive me for asking the question. Thanks for being really horribly condescending though Smile

stayathomer · 30/12/2020 13:28

We have 4 kids, zero savings. Once chatted to a number of friends and 2 of them that had 2 kids each divulged they put away 800 and 900 euro a month for savings. The girl with no children was putting away 50euro a month and then there was me. We were all drunk and are good friends and the other 2 started quizzing me and the other girl- me: did I ever worry that I'd had too many children, other girl, did she wish she'd done anything differently. They then apologised because neither of us could even speak but I know it stuck with both of us. Money should never ever ever be discussed!!!

Apollo3 · 30/12/2020 13:29

You stated: "Going no contact", what an arse you have to be to even say that, let alone do it!. Forgive me for asking the question

Actually I said more than that, you just took a snippet out and misunderstood it. Context is helpful, so maybe look at all the words before deciding what you think they mean?

covidaintacrime · 30/12/2020 13:32

Actually I said more than that, you just took a snippet out and misunderstood it. Context is helpful, so maybe look at all the words before deciding what you think they mean?

You're right, here you go. you know all those many many threads where people complain they have no friends This shit is why. "Going no contact", what an arse you have to be to even say that, let alone do it!.

You have to be an arse to go NC with a friend? You didn't say "in this situation" you just called someone an arse for mentioning going NC.
IMO you can go NC with anyone if you feel like it, you don't have any obligation to keep in touch with people (especially those who ask about your financial situations on a Zoom call).

Apollo3 · 30/12/2020 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

covidaintacrime · 30/12/2020 13:37

whatever. Enjoy having no friends, while holding on to your stupid MN buzzwords like "no contact" which people don't actually say in the real world.

That's me, no experience of the real world. I'm just a little person trapped on the internet, send help!

By the way, its perfectly normal in lots of countries and cultures for friends to talk about money. Your British way is not the only way.

Yep and that's fine, but OP has found it odd and uncomfortable which is not a good sign of friendship ( also suggests she is not living in a country where this is normal).

HerselfIndoors · 30/12/2020 13:38

There's talking about money and there's getting everyone on a zoom call to compare their savings and everyone staring at them waiting for their answer!

Of course people talk about money - it's just nicer to do it more sensitively and as a PP said, generally 1:1 in case you don't want to reveal all to the assembled company.

Cam77 · 30/12/2020 13:42

Weird AF.

Apollo3 · 30/12/2020 13:44

Yep and that's fine, but OP has found it odd and uncomfortable which is not a good sign of friendship ( also suggests she is not living in a country where this is normal)

And yet the multiple other people were fine with it, indicating OP was the odd one out. Doesn't meant the others are "bad friends" just ebcause she didn't like their topic of conversation.

covidaintacrime · 30/12/2020 13:45

And yet the multiple other people were fine with it, indicating OP was the odd one out. Doesn't meant the others are "bad friends" just ebcause she didn't like their topic of conversation.

Or they went along with it as OP did out of peer pressure / expectation. It doesn't necessarily mean they're fine with it just because they responded to the question.

nosswith · 30/12/2020 13:47

Finances are not your friends' business.

TheScapegoatNoMore · 30/12/2020 13:48

I wonder was it some sort of intervention?

I remember years ago a wealthy friend of mine was worried that another friend of ours hadn't got on to the property ladder. we were about 40 at the time. I said to the wealthier friend unless she was going to be able to give our friend a 10% deposit or offer her a place to stay while she saved for a 10% deposit she should assume that our friend was well aware of the fact that she was still renting at forty. But if we'd both been on the same page, I can see visions of a very clumsy intervention having been stage. (oh cringe!)

Apollo3 · 30/12/2020 13:50

Or they went along with it as OP did out of peer pressure / expectation. It doesn't necessarily mean they're fine with it just because they responded to the question

Then they should be looking at their own boundaries and spines before complaining about others! They are grown women, fgs.

dottiedaisee · 30/12/2020 13:56

TBH I cannot understand why a group of friends would discuss their savings unless it’s to Bragg and show off . A very weird conversation and actually quite sad !!! PP £200 a month savings a month is a lot more than what the average 30 year old can afford. Definitely do not compare!!

again2020 · 30/12/2020 13:57

God what a twat! Seriously, that is ridiculously nosey! 🙄

For what it's worth, I've been lucky to save £100 a month lately, and 22 years left on mortgage.
I do have friends who like to brag about how much money they have, most have not much more than me.

It tends to be that those with more money don't shout about it. My dad taught me that talking about how much money you have was vulgar.

VodselForDinner · 30/12/2020 13:58

OP, when I was 10 a friend came up with this idea where we’d all sit in a circle, pull up our tops, and compare developing breasts.

When it got to my turn, a switch flipped and I walked away saying it was silly and some things are private and it was weird that she wanted people to do that.

I’ve handled all such intrusions into my life in the same way since.

Thismustbelove · 30/12/2020 13:58

I can't imagine EVER having a conversation with friends about the level of savings we have nor can I imagine ever contributing to such a conversation.

That would make me so uncomfortable.

Savings depend entirely on personal circumstances so what one person saves is completely irrelevant to anybody else.

ddl1 · 30/12/2020 13:59

Wow. What a bizarre Zoom call. What happened to the idea that it's rude to talk in public about the details of people's finances? Anyway I expect she's just boasting.

2bazookas · 30/12/2020 13:59

I just cannot envisage EVER taking part in that kind of group conversatio. Hell mend those who do.

NoParticularPattern · 30/12/2020 14:00

Jesus what a twat she is. We don’t even EARN £1000 a month much less bloody save it. I’ll never have a hope in hell of having my own mortgage unless I inherit somewhere or some money that I don’t know about! If you’re saving anything then you are 100% better than I am. Find better friends who don’t measure your worth on how much you are saving or how long until your mortgage is paid off.

TuxedoPantherSheHer · 30/12/2020 14:01

Zoom can be a bit of a minefield. It creates a false intimacy. That kind of conversation sounds pretty guaranteed to be a sensitive subject for at least one person in any group. Really only for people you can really trust.

I’m just off a Zoom call myself, where a “dominant’ personality in the group decided to use chat in a humiliating way towards others . I just detached right away as it’s not worth giving that type of person the satisfaction.

Her comments said a lot more about her than they did about anyone else though. People who like to put other people down or delight in making others uncomfortable generally fel a lot of shame about themselves and try to avoid dealing with it by shaming others.