Desperate for another DC

[AlohaMolly]

DS is 4 and I adore him. I’m desperate for another, have been for around a year, but DP is adamant he doesn’t want one.

I cry most days about it. I know I’m lucky to have a happy, healthy son but I feel devastated. My heart breaks and I can’t stop feeling like this.

I don’t know what to do with this feeling, honestly. It makes me hate DP.

Hi,
Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I am in the same position unfortunately.
I have one son who is now 11 yrs old, I have also found out this year that I'm starting the menopause at 42. This has hit me very hard indeed.
I always wanted 2 kids at least, but my husband always refused. I got very angry in 2013 and probably bullied him into trying again, I got pregnant straight away, but had an ectopic. He was not interested and has barely mentioned it. He then told me a year later it made him realise he didn't want anymore. Heartbroken doesnt cover it.
I'll be blunt, if someone doesn't want to have another baby, you cant and shouldn't try and make someone do it. By all means try and talk to your DP and express your feelings, but going on about it will make him defensive.
You have to come to terms with it and decide what you want to do in terms of your relationship. If having another baby trumps what you have now. Maybe talk to your DP in a year and see if he has reconsidered.
But you must respect his decision if he doesn't want anymore.
It's very hard and I have never forgiven my husband and never will. I accepted it and made the best of it.
I still get upset about it and sad for my son. Who is a well adjusted, happy and popular boy, by the way.
Try to make sure your sadness doesn't affect him.
You have the right to grieve and be upset. But your husband has rights as well. Maybe speaking to someone might help? I actually saw a psychologist to try and come to terms with it, it really helped to have someone to listen to me and respect my feelings.
Try and find piece with this for your sake mainly.

Hi @Sausages100 thank you so much for replying! I’m so sorry for your experience, can I ask what made you stay with your husband?

That’s part of the bit I’m struggling with -DP gets really cross and defensive when I try to talk about it, so I have no support through it. Even if I want to say something like oh, can we think of ways to support DS socially/emotionally through this period of lockdown (in wales - our version of English tier 4 so basically lockdown) he just gets so angry because he thinks I’m trying to say that he’s ruining DS’life...

Which, if I’m honest, I feel like he is. I have a sibling and we aren’t super close, but we are friendly. Our DF died last year and it was horrific - lots of traveling etc lots of financial worry, lots of grief - and we both agreed that the only person that ‘got it’ was each other. When my dad died, the only person that had been able to visit him consistently was his sister. It was his sister that was with him when he died. I feel like DP is depriving DS of the best gift we can give him.

I’m going to caveat by saying I know that only children are fine and happy and it’s a perfectly legitimate decision and that’s great etc.

I think I will have to go to therapy about it, because you’re right, I can’t force DP into it and it’s his right to not want another. My choices are put up and shut up or leave aren’t they?

If you leave, you have to think of what message that sends to your 4yo.

I know.

And realistically, if I leave, I’m unhappy because DP will take 50/50 custody. If I stay, I’m unhappy. Two different unhappinesses.

How do people just accept it?

You have a choice, hubby or another child.
You don’t just accept it, you live with it and quietly seethe inside. Then the menopause kicks in, you hate him more and wish that you had left him and had another child.
💐

What are his reasons for not wanting another child?

Don't rush anything. But by the same token dont stay with him if you're going to resent him. That will make for 3 very unhappy people in your family. The heart wants what the heart wants so if it is a deal breaker for you then you need to be honest with yourself, however you also have to accept having another child might not happen for you even if you do leave him. That doesnt mean you shouldn't try though, either through dating or sperm donation. It sounds tough for you at the moment but trust your instincts and believe in yourself

@Dinosaur765876

What are his reasons for not wanting another child?

Does it matter? If he doesn't want one, he doesn't want one, and that should be respected.

@FippertyGibbett that’s what I’m worried about. I wasted so much of my twenties being scared and miserable in a DV relationship and I promised myself I’d never let myself be that miserable again. Obviously DP isn’t abusive and he’s entitled to feel how he feels, but so am I.

@Dinosaur765876 his reasons are solely ‘because I just don’t’ and ‘I don’t want the hassle.’

I work very part time And from home, largely, and do the vast, vast majority of child care. Of the 10% that I don’t do, MIL does 5% so DP mostly does 5%. We only sent DS to childcare 2 mornings a week for 1.5 years, which I paid for. I pay 2/3 of the bills, all groceries, take on the lions share of cleaning/Christmas/birthdays all the cooking etc. All that would change for DP is actually having two children to come home to, that he would love, and a happier family (me, DS, extended family.)

@thecognoscenti this is very true and why we’ve stopped talking about it in the house because it feels like I’m trying to persuade him and he hates it.

Does it matter? If he doesn't want one, he doesn't want one, and that should be respected.

This. Sorry OP. As a PP said, you will have to make a choice.

I assume you’re not married, so there’s no messy divorce to go through.
So, let’s imagine you split up over it, could you afford a home etc for these two (let’s hope it’s not twins 😱) children, and could you juggle work and childcare ?

All that would change for DP is actually having two children to come home to, that he would love, and a happier family (me, DS, extended family.)

Yes. You would be happy but he wouldn't.

By the way, I still remember the physical pain i got in my chest when I thought about the baby/child I was never going to have. And I cried too.

Flipperty yes I could afford it, I am employed 2.5 days a week but have a self employed job too that is 99% from home.

The pain is unreal. It feels like grief, it feels as consuming as when DF died, but longer lasting. DS asks for ‘mine own brother and sister’ regularly, and I’ve never mentioned anything about it to him. His friends at school all have siblings, he asks why x has got a brother and he hasn’t. My personal feeling about my DS is that he is missing out on more than I am by not having a sibling and that makes it worse.

@kazzer2867 I do get that, except he adores DS. He knows he would adore another baby too. I also feel like if one of us is going to be unhappy with a decision, why does it have to be me? Why does it have to be the decision that means everyone is worse off instead of the decision where everyone has more fun and more love?

I understand that’s a selfish way to feel and is not one I have voiced to DP.

I stay with him because he's a good man and most importantly a good father. He knows it's a sore point with me and sometimes I snap at him about it. But I wasnt willing to split up my family, my son was more important than a mythical second child.
I'm not going to dismiss your feelings, most of the people who told me to get over it, were usually people who had one child by choice, or people who had their desired number of kids.
I understand your very real sadness about not having a second child. I actually left my husband and went to my parents for a couple of months. That's how upset I was. But I realised what I had was pretty good, my son had friends and cousins, he had an extended family who loved him.
I've just got back from shopping and felt the odd pang seeing small babies and siblings together.
I will never get over it, because it is a valid and real grief.
I'll be honest, I dont love my husband as much as I did, it has left a scar on the marriage that will always be there.
You have to look at it from his point of view. If you didnt want anymore kids and he was going on at you to have more, how would you feel?
Is it worth upsetting your son, leaving your marriage etc all for a second child that may never exist.
I know it's hard with Covid 19, but I really think talking to someone may help in the future. Maybe people are doing phone counselling, I'm not sure.
I really wish you well, it's very hard to make me people understand the emotions you are feeling.
Maybe in a few years he will change his mind, you never know.

I have had all the feelings of my son being on his own. Christmas this year worries me, I wish he had siblings to open presents with. We go on holidays with family and cousins. I want my own kids to go on holiday with. What happens when we die. If he will lose touch with cousins etc. Believe me I've been there, it never goes away. My husband is the same, says our son is fine etc.
He needs to give you an explanation though,he owes you that. My husband just couldn't cope with our son for a long time. It took him a long time to develop a really good relationship with him, but he has and has a very loving dad. He has never really given me an explanation, but I suspect that's the reason, he couldn't cope with two kids.
Maybe couples counselling would help, I the future?
Best wishes and have a great Christmas with your son and husband

Like now for example, the weather is appalling and DP isn’t working this week. He got up at 11, I got up with DS at 8, did breakfast, tidied round etc then took DS with me to pick up some presents, got home, made lunch, put a wash on, did some crafting with DS. DP started some DIY and agreed to do a jigsaw with DS afterwards... but then didn’t want to do it because he can’t be bothered. Fine. But because I’m in the mindset I am, I can’t help but thinking, but if DS Had someone to play with, he wouldn’t be so reliant on adult/parent interaction.

As it stands, DS is very good at independent play but, understandably, wants social interaction.

I think sausages is right - this has really tainted my relationship with DP and both my feelings and his reaction to my feelings has changed how I view him. Like he said he didn’t want another, I tried having a calm conversation because it’s important, laid out my reasons etc and then said ok I understand when he still said no. If I’m visibly upset by it or even mention someone else is pregnant etc, he just gets cross and defensive.

What does your DP think about your DS wanting a sibling? It’s not only about you and your DP, is it?

Did you not discuss this with him in the early days of the relationship? DH and I talked about it - I always wanted at least 3 (or more - I'd happily have 5!) - but then again im the main earner and pay the majority of what having kids costs. He was adamant no more than 2 - I agreed to 2 being a bit disappointed and feeling like it was me doing the compromising as always wanted a large family but I understood where he was coming from (he's also 5 years older than me)

Leaving him because he exerts a choice over his body would be totally shallow and selfish and doesn't set a great example to your child - that you can just break up a family because you haven't got what you wanted?

Working "very part time" and also being self employed doesn't suggest that you contribute equally to the finance? You can't underestimate the pressure and responsibility that falls on the main earner to provide for the family

@AlohaMolly

Having another child doesn't automatically mean they'll love each other and get on. I have disliked my brother my whole life (the feeling is mutual) - we are polar opposites and have never been friends.

All I can say is that the resentment will never go away.
And that you are not alone 💐

Having another child doesn't automatically mean they'll love each other and get on.

No, but there is a chance of a good sibling relationship if you have a sibling. If you have no sibling, the chance is absolutely zero.

@ivfbeenbusy I’ve always been very clear that i want more than one, right from the beginning. Back in September 2019, DP and I discussed it and I said ideally we would start trying in February 2020 to have another after DS went full time. At the time, DP appeared to agree and then obviously lockdown happened and he said let’s postpone a bit. In April that turned into a hard no.

Yes, I work very part time but I contribute much more financially than DP does in practice. Not exact figures, but assume household bills are 300, I pay 275. I pay for all groceries, which amounts to roughly 300/350 a month. When DS used paid childcare, I paid for that. I pay for all DS’ associated costs - clothing (unless DP sees a top he thinks he would like, for example) school uniform/school related costs, after school activities, when there were such things as birthday parties it was me that bought the presents etc. I buy the bulk of Christmas presents and birthday presents. DP pays his mortgage (roughly £400 a month) and his own costs like phone, car, as do I.