Desperate for another DC

[AlohaMolly]

DS is 4 and I adore him. I’m desperate for another, have been for around a year, but DP is adamant he doesn’t want one.

I cry most days about it. I know I’m lucky to have a happy, healthy son but I feel devastated. My heart breaks and I can’t stop feeling like this.

I don’t know what to do with this feeling, honestly. It makes me hate DP.

[Theotherrudolph]

I have more than one child, but the youngest would like me to have another baby (we won’t be). But when they ask about it they envisage an instant playmate, without any of the reality or downsides of my attention being elsewhere, the noise and mess of a baby, the huge constrictions to their life that a newborn that naps etc would bring.... Realistically even if you get pregnant now you’re a minimum of 3 years away from a child that can play with a sibling (beyond peekaboo etc), by which time your son will be at least 7. Not that they wouldn’t necessarily have a good relationship in the longer term, but I don’t think it’s any kind of solution to your son wanting to share toys or play with someone on the playground now.

[AlohaMolly]

I’m not sure if getting married right now is the answer, given that I feel like I may well leave over the second baby issue.

Aside from being on the deeds, my finances are relatively sorted. I have a will, life insurance, critical illness cover, paid off all debts, have a long term savings account and, after Christmas, will be looking into a funeral plan and a private pension. My DF had none of the above and it meant, in all our grief, we had to plan and figure out how to find a funeral. I don’t want that for DS.

[FippertyGibbett]

You really need to get your name on the deeds and then make a will.
Then decide about your baby.

[Ohalrightthen]

You need to get married, OP, you and your child are incredibly vulnerable right now.

[AlohaMolly]

I hope that didn’t come across as defensive, I didn’t mean it too!!

[AlohaMolly]

I’m not posting and running, it’s quite difficult to read things that you suspect are the truth but don’t want them to be, so I’ve got a lot to think about!

In the interests of context, I’ll try to explain a few things that have come up from different posters.

Finances - I know I’m not in a secure position. DP and I were only together a short while before DS came along and DP owned his own house for well before I was on the scene. Originally, when I moved in, the agreement was that I would pay half the bills and not contribute towards the house because I would very soon be on mat leave. Then a few months more down the line, when we decided that I’d quit my job, it dropped to a nominal amount towards the bills and we did the grocery shop every other week each. When I took up a part time job it changed again and has sort of evolved to this. I know I should be on the deeds for the house now, after five years living together. Last year, DP’s business really struggled so I ended up paying the lions share of stuff as he was unable and at the time it seemed fair, especially given the agreement in previous years. Since the pandemic, it’s become clear that it needs looking at again as...

Self employed - DP is one of the ‘lucky’ ones over the last few months. His business is in one of the industries that has been absolutely decimated due to covid. All his contracts cancelled over night. He has since started an entirely new business, working harder and more than he’s ever done before doing something that he’s had to learn from scratch and has actually brought more money in than he ever did with his original business. He’s tired and dirty a lot of the time and that could absolutely be playing in to it. Also why we need to look at the finances again.

As a dad - the older DS gets, the more DP idolises him. He was a sub par newborn baby dad, while I was a really good newborn mum so didn’t care. We are now equals in terms of how much we enjoy parenting, but I do the lions share of logistics. To confirm - I enjoy this and wouldn’t have it any other way, it’s not that he refuses. I’ve worked my job so I’m able to work from home and do 9/10 school runs with MIL doing the one pick up I can’t. DP has been working 10-12 hour days up until recently so couldn’t do the school run.

Finally, I know I still have a lot to think about. I know DS might hate the reality of being a big brother and I would never just have one because my four year old asked, in the same way he won’t be having a cat just because he asked etc.

[Littleyell]

I can fully relate to this OP. If you made it clear you wanted more than one from the start I don’t think he choice should trumps yours. It’s hard because you can’t meet in the middle.

DS dad was like this as soon as DS was born and didn’t even discuss it with me. He did agree at one point... (we didn’t go ahead in the end). We are no longer together now (he was useless from the start).

DS is almost 6. I don’t think I will ever shake the feeling of not having another child at the start. I still hope one day DS will have a sibling.

[goldenharvest]

Maybe when life returns to normal he will soften up on this. Being self employed during a pandemic with all the lockdowns is very stressful, so I suspect this has something to do with it

[Tiquismiquis]

I think you need to separate out your relationship issues from the issue of having a second. You are financially very vulnerable. How on earth have you got into the position where you pay for everything else and he just plugs away at the mortgage without you being a joint owner? That is a risky position for you and your son. By the sounds of things I doubt he’d go for 50:50 if he is so disengaged.

On the sibling issue, I think you are romanticising it. We personally found it more than double the work early on. The early days can be pretty rubbish for the older one too. We’ve certainly had times where our 4yo has said she wishes her sister hadn’t been born. You haven’t ruined your 4yos life by him being an only- he’s probably benefited from your attention but you could ruin it by staying in any happy relationship.

[Debradoyourecall]

Sorry you’re going through this.

Just to give another perspective, although your son says he wants a brother or sister the reality of a baby might be different and not so appealing. My four year old spends most of his time trying to get away from his baby sister’s clutches and tells me he doesn’t like her! I’m hoping this changes as they get older, but try not to build the perfect relationship he might have with another sibling up in your head too much, there is likely to be fighting just as much as the lovely moments.

[FippertyGibbett]

OP - are you saying that your name is not in the deeds of the house you live in with him ?
Are you paying the bills and he’s paying the mortgage ?

[MessAllOver]

because DP will take 50/50 custody.

With what you've said about his lack of involvement with your DS, he's very unlikely to want 50/50 care arrangements. He may say so to start with to get out of paying child maintenance but it will soon fizzle out.

[MessAllOver]

I would leave. Not because of the second child (although I also want more than one, so I understand) but because it doesn't sound like he has much respect for you and you will be massively resentful if you stay with him. It doesn't sound as if you get enough out of your relationship with him for it to be "worth" getting over your sense of loss at having to accept you will never have a second child.

[harrietm1987]

He sounds like a shit father and he’s taken you for a ride. You’ve quit your job and pay for all the household expenses, and do the vast majority of childcare on top, while he sits back and pays off his mortgage leaving you to deal with everything else. Why aren’t you married? That would at least give you some more financial protection.

He doesn’t sound like he will be a good father to a second child and it’s worrying that you are essentially justifying it by saying that it’s fine because he won’t have anything to do with the second child.

If I were you I’d leave him and have another baby via sperm donation.

[Yummymummy2020]

I’m an only child and am envious of those with siblings. I also want at least three (I am the main earner) we had discussed it many a time but people change their mind too. My partner now only wants two. I’m pregnant with our second but I know I will want more and he might not. I too will feel torn about it and I’m not sure I’ll be content either. It’s so crap for you! He does have a say of course but when you shoulder most of the work and do the growing and giving birth I can see your side completely. It’s perfectly ok to be sad and disappointed by this op!

[specialoffer121]

I will leave. I couldn’t live with a man who changed his mind on something so important. You are still young and there are other options for you out there if you want more children.

[Taikoo]

Your DP sounds utterly shit, to be honest.
It sounds like he does not love you or your son.
I'd have given him a hard boot up the ass and out of the house for that alone.
I would leave, take the child with me and leave that fucker to it.
Bet he doesn't want to get married either.
He really sounds like a complete turd.

[SomethingOnce]

I think some pp could be a littler gentler, but I tend to agree and wonder if you’re putting up with ‘not good’ because it feels better than the very bad relationship you had in your twenties?

[Hairyfairy01]

He sounds like a bit of a shit husband and shit dad to be honest. Why would you want another kid by him? Have another child by all means, but I think you need to rethink your relationship with your dh first.

[Ohalrightthen]

@AlohaMolly

That’s fine for you to think that, just as it’s fine for me think otherwise. As I said, I have stopped talking to DP about it out of respect for his feelings.

But he's already a massively disengaged father to your DS! Why saddle another kid with a father who doesn't give a fuck?

[TDMN]

Not being funny but he doesnt sound like a good father to the DC he already has.
Just remember that you're not just giving yourself a child, you're also giving another child him as a father when he's already not up to scratch.

[isawthatt]

I would leave him, not just because you want another child but he sounds like an arse. Is there a reason that he doesn’t do much with your DS?

[ketchuponpizza]

I know exactly how you feel. It was like a physical ache in my arms and chest, amongst other feelings.

I told DH that he had to take over responsibility for contraception, because it was cruel to place me actively in charge of preventing something that I really wanted. As an adult man, he should share the load.

[GQKP]

Tbh he sounds like a shit father who is lazy to boot!

..and why do you pay so much more than him into the house/bills etc.

[FippertyGibbett]

You are free to do whatever you want.
You have one short life - your only loyalty is to yourself and your child.