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Original poster

Desperate for another DC

69 replies

AlohaMolly · 22/12/2020 23:36

DS is 4 and I adore him. I’m desperate for another, have been for around a year, but DP is adamant he doesn’t want one.

I cry most days about it. I know I’m lucky to have a happy, healthy son but I feel devastated. My heart breaks and I can’t stop feeling like this.

I don’t know what to do with this feeling, honestly. It makes me hate DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlohaMolly · 23/12/2020 18:05

DP is also self employed btw and until this year basically worked 3 months of the year but will always call himself the breadwinner as he earns more than I do, twice as much, this year 4 times as much.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlohaMolly · 23/12/2020 18:08

@SomethingOnce

What does your DP think about your DS wanting a sibling? It’s not only about you and your DP, is it?
DP ignores it and gets annoyed by it now, because he feels like we are getting at him. I genuinely have never talked about it to DS because he’s 4. He was upset walking home from school because x was playing with her younger sister and I said ‘you know not everyone has a brother or sister don’t you? Daddy doesn’t and that’s ok isn’t it?’ And DS just said that he’s really lonely mummy and wants someone to share his toys with and to play with on the playground.

DS is a very sociable little boy that, although is a bit of a watcher in the beginning, happily joins in and isn’t backward in coming forward, will chat to everyone and has lots of friends at school... he just wants (currently) a sibling.

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Ohalrightthen · 23/12/2020 18:18

I also feel like if one of us is going to be unhappy with a decision, why does it have to be me? Why does it have to be the decision that means everyone is worse off instead of the decision where everyone has more fun and more love?

...because every child deserves to be wanted by both parents. You and DS get more fun and more love. Your DP gets a kid he didn't want, and your second child gets the joy of growing up with a father who doesn't want them, which destroys people.

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Kpo58 · 23/12/2020 18:29

I would consider leaving if continues to refuse to even talk about it, especially if he doesn't really like engaging with your DC that much.

I am an only child and have always felt lonely as I didn't have anyone to play with and my parents would never play with me. That feeling does never go away. I have a DH and 2 DC and I still wish to have someone who had a shared history with me from a early age. I know that once my parents die, no one is ever going to care about my past and that does make me sad.

SomethingOnce · 23/12/2020 18:31

So you pay more of day-to-day than your DP, and he gets to pay off a mortgage? Is the property owned jointly? If not, that doesn’t seem quite fair, as he’s effectively saving money in property at your expense.

Sorry, not my business and a bit off-topic.

Original poster
AlohaMolly · 23/12/2020 18:33

@Kpo58the shared history thing is such a big deal to me too, since DF passed away. When I hear a song I can message DB and be like x song came on, do you remember? And he gets it instantly.

The other thing is, although I have excellent friends, I’ve named my brother as guardian if me and DP die together. I asked DP who he would nominate and he couldn’t come up with anyone. I love my niece very much and my brother loves Oli, I want DS to have someone to have family like that with.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlohaMolly · 23/12/2020 18:34

@SomethingOnce

So you pay more of day-to-day than your DP, and he gets to pay off a mortgage? Is the property owned jointly? If not, that doesn’t seem quite fair, as he’s effectively saving money in property at your expense.

Sorry, not my business and a bit off-topic.

Yes, you’re right, and it’s also a topic of conversation...
OP posts:
Original poster
AlohaMolly · 23/12/2020 18:37

@Ohalrightthen I do get what you’re saying, but I don’t believe DP would feel any differently about the second child than he does about DS. His main reason is he doesn’t want the hassle, by which he means me being pregnant and the newborn year, which again is his prerogative and why I have stopped talking about it at home.

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Ohalrightthen · 23/12/2020 18:40

[quote AlohaMolly]@Ohalrightthen I do get what you’re saying, but I don’t believe DP would feel any differently about the second child than he does about DS. His main reason is he doesn’t want the hassle, by which he means me being pregnant and the newborn year, which again is his prerogative and why I have stopped talking about it at home.[/quote]
I think that's very naive tbh.

Original poster
AlohaMolly · 23/12/2020 18:44

That’s fine for you to think that, just as it’s fine for me think otherwise. As I said, I have stopped talking to DP about it out of respect for his feelings.

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 23/12/2020 18:55

Yes, you’re right, and it’s also a topic of conversation...

It’s not an acceptable state of affairs for you or, in the worst case scenario, your DS.

Original poster
AlohaMolly · 23/12/2020 19:03

Something originally it was an agreement that worked for me because I was able to quit teaching and stay at home with DS. This was a joint decision to begin with and my work set up now would mean that this wouldn’t be necessary. I’d happily continue with it if I could have another baby, but it doesn’t appear to be happening that way.

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Ginger1982 · 23/12/2020 19:43

The idea of leaving seems bonkers to me. How do you know you'll meet someone else who will a) want to take on your child or b) that will want other kids and what if c) you find you can't actually have any more? Personally, I think breaking up a family for your DS over this issue is crazy.

I have 1 child, desperately wanted more but after 4 rounds of IVF have to accept it's not going to happen. I wouldn't dream of leaving DH over it, though the fertility issue is his. Think of all the positives of having 1 child such as time and money. Join a few FB groups for parents of only children. There are groups for those one and done by choice and those one and done not by choice, many of whom are in your situation.

specialoffer121 · 23/12/2020 19:51

How old are you?

Original poster
AlohaMolly · 23/12/2020 20:11

I’ve just turned 33.

I think that if I left I wouldn’t be leaving to have another, I’d be leaving because I couldn’t get past how unhappy I was if that makes sense? If DP couldn’t have children it would be different, or if we tried and it didn’t work out. Rightly or wrongly, it feels a bit like some sort of punishment, given that he won’t discuss his no beyond it being a hassle.

I’m not saying it’s logical or that it’s a decision I’ll make overnight, but I am desperately unhappy asadirect result of something DP has decided.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlohaMolly · 23/12/2020 20:13

I think the problem is that I just can’t see how to get past how sad I am. Neither of us is right or wrong.

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 23/12/2020 20:51

originally it was an agreement that worked for me because I was able to quit teaching and stay at home with DS.

If you’re now subsidising him paying off his mortgage, without being entitled to a share of any equity, I don’t think that’s good for you and it needs some renegotiation.

Ginger1982 · 23/12/2020 20:52

We had counselling after our last attempt and it was helpful. The counsellor said it was ok to grieve for the life you thought you would have, which was a good way to look at it. I get that my situation is different because DH and I are 'in it together' so to speak as neither of us can change what has happened or, rather, neither of us wants to because there's no way we would separate.

Your issue seems to be that your DH has gone back on what you thought he had agreed to and I suppose that's different to accepting having an only child. I suppose only you can decide if your family is worth fight for.

JanewaysBun · 23/12/2020 21:22

I know this isn't the consensus but I would leave. I always wanted 2 dc

FippertyGibbett · 23/12/2020 22:03

You are free to do whatever you want.
You have one short life - your only loyalty is to yourself and your child.

GQKP · 23/12/2020 22:23

Tbh he sounds like a shit father who is lazy to boot!

..and why do you pay so much more than him into the house/bills etc.

ketchuponpizza · 23/12/2020 22:55

I know exactly how you feel. It was like a physical ache in my arms and chest, amongst other feelings.

I told DH that he had to take over responsibility for contraception, because it was cruel to place me actively in charge of preventing something that I really wanted. As an adult man, he should share the load.

isawthatt · 23/12/2020 23:01

I would leave him, not just because you want another child but he sounds like an arse. Is there a reason that he doesn’t do much with your DS?

TDMN · 23/12/2020 23:01

Not being funny but he doesnt sound like a good father to the DC he already has.
Just remember that you're not just giving yourself a child, you're also giving another child him as a father when he's already not up to scratch.

Ohalrightthen · 23/12/2020 23:04

@AlohaMolly

That’s fine for you to think that, just as it’s fine for me think otherwise. As I said, I have stopped talking to DP about it out of respect for his feelings.
But he's already a massively disengaged father to your DS! Why saddle another kid with a father who doesn't give a fuck?