If your kids are 'grown up' do you remember how hard the toddler years are?

[MaizeBlouse]

This isn't meant as a goady post at all. I am yet to have teens and don't expect it to be a walk in the park by any stretch. I'm expecting it to be very challenging and stressful, but in a very different way to how stressful and challenging having toddlers is.

The wider context is basically this: I have a DS3yo and DS1yo. Both lovely, excitable, happy, creative, healthy kids. Sometimes they scream and cry if they don't get thier way (the 3yo more than the baby) and my 3yo is also a very picky eater, despite us trying all the techniques. My life, as expected, is pretty much non stop. No more than anyone else I'm sure but I feel like I'm either bfeeding, carrying a baby, cooking, cleaning, dressing someone, sorting out a lunch bag and so on. Oh and also trying to run my business too (I am self employed). Someone always seems to be crying or moaning despite me and DPs best efforts to meet all the needs.

I know this makes it sound like we're out of our depth perhaps, but I feel like it's a true reflection of having 2 kids 2 yrs apart and I'm sure in probably just 6 months time things will be easier.

The reason I ask the question in my title is that my DM seems to think that me and my siblings (I am one of 5) always sat and ate whatever we were served, we never moaned or cried, we always said please and thank you and she never had to discipline or bribe us as we always did as we were told. She doesn't understand why my boys sometimes defy my requests to share nicely etc, or tantrum. In my eyes they are behaving just like toddlers do and I discipline them accordingly (not the baby obvs). Me and DM have a good relationship but she is quite a matyr and is very bitter if anyone else has any success. I think maybe she's just forgotten how hard it is to look after very young children. How physically demanding it is and how little time you have to do.. well anything!

So, if your children are older or grown ups now, do you remember what these very early years are like with more than one child? Did you find it full on? Or do you feel like your children were better behaved than the young children of today?

I totally believe that the teen years can be harder than toddler/baby days. I do struggle to believe that the sleepless nights are comparable, though. It's horrible lying awake worrying but I don't see parents of teens wrecked with exhaustion, putting their car keys in the fridge and the milk in the hallway etc...

I miss my cuddly little people for all that it was a pretty relentless time. I remember the nice bits mainly. It’s such a quick stage, over in a flash. Once you are through it it will fade from memory and just be a little stage, a very precious stage - try to enjoy it.

I have quite clear memories, not just of bringing up my own two and spending a lot of time with their cousins, but also of growing up with several siblings myself. And we're a family where memories are shared, so I also know a fair bit about what I was like as a child, and what my mother and even grandmother were like. Also what my dh and his brother got up too.

Hard for my mother to claim children were never like this when I know what my gran said when she had been naughty c. 1900.

I don’t see parents of teens wrecked with exhaustion
Really? Well I can assure you plenty of them are. Wait till you’ve laid awake all night worrying about their behaviour/ friendship groups/ school work/exam results. Or waiting to hear their key in the door. Middle of the night phone calls to come and pick them up.
Stress is exhausting and teenagers can cause a lot of stress. Oh and couple that with the fact that your kids teenage years often coincide with your menopause- nuff said!!

With teens you have sleepless nights with worry about them, whether you’re getting your parenting right (you’re almost certainly not) and whether they will be alright.

Also after having DC that woke up before 6am every morning for about 10 years combined I now can’t sleep past 7am - I’ve lost the ability!!

I now have an early riser and a late to bed - which means NO child free time.

I agree with PP. When I was a kid you just had kids and then got on with your life. I spent a lot less time with my parents than I do with my kids. So a lot more memories!

X-posted @missyB1!

I think I’ve forgotten how not to be tired...

I do. I will never forget. The baby years were the worst of my life. I adored DC but DS2 had undiagnosed autism. He never slept, never ate, threw up what little food was forced down him, cried all the time, was rigid in my arms. Poor DS1 was left to his own devices. They have grown up into the sweetest-natured, easy going, loving, thoughtful, funny, well-behaved teens. But those early years are branded on my memory.

@corythatwas

I have quite clear memories, not just of bringing up my own two and spending a lot of time with their cousins, but also of growing up with several siblings myself. And we're a family where memories are shared, so I also know a fair bit about what I was like as a child, and what my mother and even grandmother were like. Also what my dh and his brother got up too.

Hard for my mother to claim children were never like this when I know what my gran said when she had been naughty c. 1900.

Well now I need to know more about naughty granny!

My ds is nearly 13 and its tough in different ways.

I miss having control over him which isn't as sinister as it sounds but for example, when they're little you just get them dressed and hey presto they're dressed. Now he's older, I have to nag and nag. It's lockdown and I know he needs exercise and fresh air...if he was little I'd take him to the park or pop him in the car and we'd just do it...again, now I have to nag and nag. He's bored at home...I have plenty of things for him to do that he refuses to.

I remember it well, it's relentless hard work, even if they're not especially tricky.

But, for us at least, a walk in the park compared to the teenage years

@missyB1

I don’t see parents of teens wrecked with exhaustion Really? Well I can assure you plenty of them are. Wait till you’ve laid awake all night worrying about their behaviour/ friendship groups/ school work/exam results. Or waiting to hear their key in the door. Middle of the night phone calls to come and pick them up. Stress is exhausting and teenagers can cause a lot of stress. Oh and couple that with the fact that your kids teenage years often coincide with your menopause- nuff said!!

Whilst I've not experienced this I can see that is must be exhausting in a different way, especially when each child presents something different to worry or stress about.

And, whilst I know this makes it sound like it's a competition which isn't my intention at all, it just does sound easier . You can shower everyday! Go out without having to take anyone or anything else with you, and no bloody buggy. You can take time for yourself if you want to; Exercise, read a book, brush your teeth twice a day, drink a hot cup of tea. I know teens will also make a mess but surely not to the same level of a toddler? Maybe I really am just spouting rubbish and the things listed above aren't as simply done as i think they are.

I feel like at the moment I don't live for myself but totally 100% for my children. And that's fine because it is necessary for thier wellbeing. Every decision I make is purely to do with them and any minute wasted whilst they're asleep is sacrilege when there's just so much to do! It's a good day when i manage to out deodorant on.

My DM seems to think that it's as simple as popping them down on the floor to make dinner or hoover. Maybe my kids need more engagement than usual... I've always tbiught those children who sit and colour in sound like magical unicorn kids!

And I hope it doesn't sound like I'm hating this stage. I really am making the most of the cuddles and silliness of babies and toddlers because I am aware of how fast it whizzes by and that I will miss it a lot. But I am run ragged 85% of the time.

And yes lockdown hasn't helped either! I never thought I'd see the day that I missed soft play and play groups! But jeeez what I'd give to take the our first the morning to playgroup or meeting uo with a friend. Poor DS1 is bored stiff of our local playgrounds and keeps asking if he can go and play at his friend's houses the terrible weather doesn't help either, it was easier in summer and also the baby didn't move so much then. He was also a 6mo crawler much to my dismay

Yes I remember. I miss those days when you are out of the phase you realise it's over in a flash but I also remember how hard it was.

The teenage years are difficult but a walk in the park compared to the younger years.

That said I know for a fact my parents didn't play with me much, they weren't being neglectful it's just how it was in the 70s! I played on my own with my toys and did arty stuff. As an adult I'm very independent and creative. I know my sister was harder work for them just down to her nature but likely she was left a lot to get own devices too.

I don't remember constantly interacting and playing with my dcs when little, and hold my hands up that I did use the TV as a babysitter so I could shower, eat, put make up on and feel like a human. There has been a shift in the culture of parenting most definitely, from what would these days be perceived likely as neglect to this hyper vigilant very intense stimulation orientated parenting. Some of it good no doubt but also with its drawbacks.

My dc are 9 and 12. I still remember the unrelenting exhaustion of the toddler years. I worked 3 days a week after my second maternity leave. DH worked away a lot. The physical demands of changing nappies, bring up in the night, children with very short fuses /rationality, emotional wobbles, chicken pox, chicken pox, bronchitis, bronchitis. I felt like I was losing my mind for about 2 years. I was permanently exhausted. My younger child didn’t sleep through the night until she was 3. I got to work one day and my boss drove me home. Elder child ridiculously picky eater.

I also remember my younger sister bring a terrible water, my older brothers fighting, me having a short temper as a child, DSis crying to get her own way, DM losing her rag with us more than once!!

Beautifully behaved , compliant children are a myth - aren’t they?

OMG also, the tedium of playing with preschoolers. I am not good at make believe!

My Nana says this all the time. Raising kids is hard I had two 18months apart then had a 3rd last year.
He's 1 in a few days and I actually forgot how hard it is, the sleepless nights etc.

Now my oldest is nearly 6 and I'm finding her easier to manage so I guess it does get easier but haven't got that far with the 4 year old yet, he calls me a disgusting woman if I don't chop grapes the right way, very rude, and I know for certain I didn't have that much attitude as a child .

@BikeRunSki when mine were that age I rarely played make believe games because I didn't enjoy them! It's also good for children's imagination for them to learn to play on their own.

I read to them, baked with them, did puzzles and played board games with them.

@GreekOddess, yes, I did that. I think my low point was sitting in a play tent wearing a crown trying to remember fairy tales.

A lot obviously depends on the child and which stages you find easier/harder. I think I’ll be good at teens. At the moment I’ve got one very active/emotional 4yo and a 1yo. I think my older one will be hard work at whatever age she is and the younger one will get easier over time as she’s just much more chilled.

I’ve been moaning all week but had a bit of a wake up call yesterday. I was in a bookshop and there was a young adult enjoying the toddler books with her carers and developmentally seemed like a 3 year old in an adult’s body. It made me realise that mine are hard work now but will grow and become independent in a way that some people will never be able to.

Compared to my job I always found looking after kids, of what ever age, a piece of piss. Perhaps I was luckily with my three, who knows.

Toddler and teenager are the hardest years. I have three beautiful grown up children now and can easily remember how difficult and frustrating they were at times. Chasing them around the supermarket, pulling things off the shelves, GP and dentist appointments for me and trying to keep them sitting still. I couldn’t wait for the day when I could sit down with a book for 5 mins by myself - which is exactly what I can do now. BUT I really wish I could go back in time to the early years when they were all safe at home with me. Kids are kids whatever era just parenting styles change I suppose.

"I see parents who are exhausted and struggling but also parents who are clearly loving the toddler years. It depends a lot on their child!"

Definitely this. My eldest was quite hard work, especially for the first year, but my second was the dream baby, rarely cried, just had an easy going, relaxed personality. She still does, only it's bloody irritating now!

But both mine slept through early. Six hours at six weeks, seven hours at seven and so on. I did the EASY routine with my two, so by twelve weeks, both slept 7-7 with a dream feed at 10pm. I got more sleep then than I do now. I even managed to work and complete my masters degree with a toddler.

Although the days were full on, I worked mornings, they went to nursery. I did a fun activity with them in the afternoon, tea, bath and bed by 7. I had the evenings to myself.

Nowadays, I often work until 6pm, collect children from hobbies between 7 and 8, come home, do tea, then try and get my marking done. Often I don't start until 9 or 10pm. I do feel it's more relentless now than when they were little.

I always wonder where all the teenagers are! I live in a city and I never see them anywhere, pre covid obvs. Where do they all migrate?!