If your kids are 'grown up' do you remember how hard the toddler years are?

[MaizeBlouse]

This isn't meant as a goady post at all. I am yet to have teens and don't expect it to be a walk in the park by any stretch. I'm expecting it to be very challenging and stressful, but in a very different way to how stressful and challenging having toddlers is.

The wider context is basically this: I have a DS3yo and DS1yo. Both lovely, excitable, happy, creative, healthy kids. Sometimes they scream and cry if they don't get thier way (the 3yo more than the baby) and my 3yo is also a very picky eater, despite us trying all the techniques. My life, as expected, is pretty much non stop. No more than anyone else I'm sure but I feel like I'm either bfeeding, carrying a baby, cooking, cleaning, dressing someone, sorting out a lunch bag and so on. Oh and also trying to run my business too (I am self employed). Someone always seems to be crying or moaning despite me and DPs best efforts to meet all the needs.

I know this makes it sound like we're out of our depth perhaps, but I feel like it's a true reflection of having 2 kids 2 yrs apart and I'm sure in probably just 6 months time things will be easier.

The reason I ask the question in my title is that my DM seems to think that me and my siblings (I am one of 5) always sat and ate whatever we were served, we never moaned or cried, we always said please and thank you and she never had to discipline or bribe us as we always did as we were told. She doesn't understand why my boys sometimes defy my requests to share nicely etc, or tantrum. In my eyes they are behaving just like toddlers do and I discipline them accordingly (not the baby obvs). Me and DM have a good relationship but she is quite a matyr and is very bitter if anyone else has any success. I think maybe she's just forgotten how hard it is to look after very young children. How physically demanding it is and how little time you have to do.. well anything!

So, if your children are older or grown ups now, do you remember what these very early years are like with more than one child? Did you find it full on? Or do you feel like your children were better behaved than the young children of today?

@FTEngineerM

Me and DP had this actual conversation tonight. We’re finding it increasingly frustrating to get unwarranted advice from our parents because they clearly can’t remember what it’s like, or at least are remembering with rose tinted glasses.

A few quotes from various parents of ours (4 sets as all divorced):

“You didn’t nap when you were a baby, I just kept you awake”

“You didn’t cry, ever, I wouldn’t let you”

“You cried all night long when you had colic, I ended up giving you to your father because you just wouldn’t let me relax for two minutes” (contradicts the second point above from same parent but ok..)

“I never had to rock, soothe, shhush, drive, with you because you just fell asleep as soon as I’d put you down”

“You turned out alright”

Re the last one, there's a great Chrissy Teigen quote along the lines of "do you ever look at your parents interacting with your children and wonder how the fuck you're still alive?"

cactusisblooming
and we had our DC around the same time, I didn't do the internet either and had never what gentle parents was.

DC are all different some can be easier then others if I'd had DC2 as an only child I'd probably have been the proud parent of perfect toddler and congratulated myself and scoffed at other people struggling.

But a close age gab and 2 different DC meant for me Toddlers = exhaustion.

yeswell I totally agree! I adore toddlers. I have a 2yo now and I wish I could bottle this age. Even though he did scream and kick the floor today when I wouldn't let him climb on the table!

YY too much advice can be complicated/contradictory. I think the gentle parenting movement also has a fundamental flaw, in that if you are a person who struggles with conflict (conflict avoidant, aka people pleasing), you will be drawn to the promises of gentle parenting, in that it is non-violent and non-coercive. Some sources even explicitly promise non conflict, however, this is not possible - conflict is simply a part of life and a huge part of parenting is involved in conflict, in that your boundaries and/or the boundaries of the world will conflict with children's desires, and it's up to us to uphold the boundary anyway, in whichever way is appropriate whether it's actually explicitly saying no, I'm not going to let you kick the dog, or whether it's avoiding the situation in the first place by not letting them have access to pens to draw on the furniture, or whatever. It is possible for conflict to be non-violent and non-coercive. But if you try to eliminate all conflict, then you do not have a functioning role as a leader any more and it all falls apart.

More modern sources address this, actually, though they don't tend to call themselves "gentle", but there is still a huge amount of info out there which suggests all conflict is bad and this is unhelpful. OTOH if you're not a conflict-avoidant person then gentle parenting techniques tend to work well because you have that inbuilt sense of when it's correct to say no, anyway.

I remember the toddler years. The high highs and the low lows! Toddlers are completely and utterly bonkers and I love that characteristic, seeing the world through their eyes. But my god, the utter exhaustion of being the person who carried the entire mental and physical load of looking after them was crippling.
I remember crying to my cousin that it was the mental load that was killing me, I had to think about them ALL the time, I was permanently planning and working backwards from where we needed to be, at what time, what did we need to do to get there, take with us, how we would get there, what time we would leave, would eat, would wear, would wake up, or nap, or... you know what I mean! It seemed to me that DH just picked up his car keys and walked out the door.

Mine are now 13 and 16 and it can be hard but as toddler they pushed me to the edge of my patience and it is not hard in that way now they are teens (now it's more worry than anything else). My mum was never so patronising as to say we were perfectly well behaved as kids (although I was a nightmare teen in comparison to my kids so I got off lightly there!) - she was supportive and told me how awful my brother was as a toddler. My MIL was more the type to say things like "my kids would never have done that" but DH always removed her rose tinted glasses and reminded her of reality if she did that!

Yes I had two pairs with eighteen months between each pair and had forgotten how difficult it was at times. That is, until I started looking after dgs 18 months. I honestly don't know how I did it. I'm exhausted after a full day with dgs and I don't have any of the broken nights or early mornings either.

Well, I am 38 and started my family young. Eldest is 20, youngest 15.

There were definite hard days I remember, but looking back as a young mum I had what I think was an endless source of energy (More than now!) so that helped.

There were a few yrs where their dad was working away Mon-Friday so that was tough in some ways, but positive in others. I had a routine and it helped. It was overwhelming at times as LO's can generally be mini terrorists, but we made sure at least once per week when they were in bed, we would have a nice dinner and wine and time to ourselves.

Wait till they are teens OP! Jeez. Honestly every age in their development can bring unique challenges to the family dynamic.

I have 20 month old twins and quite honestly the exhaustion is epic. They eat well and sleep well, it’s just the bits in between where they are climbing up my curtains, screaming over the same toy, clinging to my legs screaming as I’m trying to cook dinner, having meltdowns as I try to dress them or brush their hair. It’s a bloody difficult age.

My mum is very similar to your OP but she looks after the girls 2 afternoons a week and soon alters her attitude after 3 hours with them 😂

I loved the toddler years. Would go back in a heartbeat! My two were both horrendously hard work as babies, but just delicious toddlers. They had tantrums etc but a breeze compared to the baby years. They're now 11 and 13.

I only had one and oh my christ he was "challenging"! He was so intelligent, easily bored, constantly up to something, faddy, obsessive and possessive. I dont think I could have managed two! He is now delightful!

Mine are still young but a few stories I've heard about angelic babies/toddlers are from people where the children are at least 20 years old; like potty trained at 6 months, a house full of ornaments at toddler-eye-level that the children apparently never touched, talking in sentences at 15 months and so on!

DH has already blocked out so many stressful moments so I can see how easily people forget.

I've found newborn and toddlers stages very challenging but primary age to be a lot easier!

Gosh I found those days with toddlers hard! And then when you add in school runs on top! My youngest is now 14 and I absolutely love having teens / young adults. I look after my friend’s pre schooler, and my gosh I’m exhausted after a couple of hours. I love babies, and they still do funny things to my uterus, but no way could I do the toddler days again.

My mom spent years saying the same thing. She was a childminder and seemed like us and the kids had impeccable manners, never misbehaved and she was always able to control us. I have a 2 year old and a 6 week old, and my 2 year old is stubborn, stroppy and strong minded..... basically she throws lots of tantrums. Now, my mom is starting to remember I did the same. Maybe your mom either chose not to remember or is lying to you. Every kid throws strops and tries their luck. I spend my life dealing with one kid while the other screams. My life is chaos. You arent unusual OP

@jacobReesMogadishu I hope your DD comes round, that sounds tough.

I don't think I will ever forget this age with DD (4) - the constant talking will be etched in my brain forever. I hope the next one is easier

My parents don't remember a single thing about me, I don't know if that means I was a boring child or just easier than my older siblings

The toddler years are grim I had 3 under 5 at one point.
I have to say the teen years have left their mark on me more though and they were reasonable teens, not particularly troublesome but it was the ternsvthat put grey hairs on my head and left me exhausted with lack of sleep through worry.

It's not a contest though and we are all different with different kids. Someone else may say having a 7yo was a from stage. I'd never argue with them just because it was an easier phase for me and my family.

I think most parents/mum's have periods of parenthood that they find bloody grim and tough. Not a reflection of the love they have for those kids by any measure. I always doubt those that claim to sail through and love wvwey stage.

Mine are teenagers and I am a much better parent to them now. They are reasonable and we laugh a lot.

The early years were just full of tears and disappointments.

I thought I'd be a baking type earth mother. I was actually a depressed fish wife. Thank fuck my kids don't remember.

It frightens me just how little I remember of my children's childhoods. I really don't have a catalogue of precious memories, it's all a bit of a blur, but yes I do still know that having preschoolers is hard.

I do remember that it was much easier to be out than in and I planned at least one outing everyday, so it must be particularly difficult at present.

God I've got a 6yo and a 16mo and I've already forgotten most of the shit from the first one.
We're just getting into 'toddler fun' with the second and I just keep telling myself it'll all be over in a year or two!

As I recall It's just non stop demands with young ones until they are in bed.

With teenagers the worries mostly occur when they are away from you. And you have little to no control.

There was a sweet spot at about age 8 to 12!

@cheesecrackersandcorona

Mine are teenagers and I am a much better parent to them now. They are reasonable and we laugh a lot.

The early years were just full of tears and disappointments.

I thought I'd be a baking type earth mother. I was actually a depressed fish wife. Thank fuck my kids don't remember.

That's made me laugh. I could be a brilliant earth mother... I just gave birth to the wrong kids for that.

Back in the spring we were walking through a village festooned with children's paintings of rainbows... meanwhile DS1 is telling me the specification of the military aircraft flying overhead.

The CMPA comment upthread has brought back flashbacks of when DS1 filled his nappy and clothes in a public place. At home I just dealt with it in the bath for damage limitation. In public that was a baby changing room out for the next 15 mins and a pack of wet wipes gone.

DS2 can be simmed up by the fact that he took his first steps in order to gleefully hurl himself headfirst into a swimming pool

We were in your shoes bit long ago, andbthen we had another one!

Three under 3.

It was absolute bloody hell. It feels like you're always bf/ getting screamed at/ changing butts/ getting climbed on/ running baths all the time... because you are! And at that age there is not alot of thanks, in fact they are fighting you every step of the way. It is bleak, even though they are stupid adorable (some of the time).

Ours are now 3, 5 and 6 and it is ALOT easier. Alot. Please hang in there and try not to stress too much. It didn't help older mums non stop saying make the most of it, it goes so quickly all the time. It made me sad even though I couldn't have made any more of them, and it was hard!

My hubby has a very plausible theory that older parents block out what it was actually like pre 3. You'd be mad if you wanted it to go on forever like that!

Once theyve turned 4 I've loved nearly every minute and I'm sure you will too.

Keep going aand hang in there!

DM always says to DB if he's complaining about my nephews, 'this is karma, you didn't sleep through the night until you were nearly 3 and you used to strip and run off in public' 😁

Mine are in their 20s now. Two boys two years apart.
Without a doubt that year with a baby and a toddler was the hardest year of parenting. Physically anyway.

The other stages and ages just got easier and the teens were a joy.

My mil will often tell me her children never had tantrums, would play nicely together and always behaved when out. Hilarious the talking to dh and his memories of growing up!