If your kids are 'grown up' do you remember how hard the toddler years are?

[MaizeBlouse]

This isn't meant as a goady post at all. I am yet to have teens and don't expect it to be a walk in the park by any stretch. I'm expecting it to be very challenging and stressful, but in a very different way to how stressful and challenging having toddlers is.

The wider context is basically this: I have a DS3yo and DS1yo. Both lovely, excitable, happy, creative, healthy kids. Sometimes they scream and cry if they don't get thier way (the 3yo more than the baby) and my 3yo is also a very picky eater, despite us trying all the techniques. My life, as expected, is pretty much non stop. No more than anyone else I'm sure but I feel like I'm either bfeeding, carrying a baby, cooking, cleaning, dressing someone, sorting out a lunch bag and so on. Oh and also trying to run my business too (I am self employed). Someone always seems to be crying or moaning despite me and DPs best efforts to meet all the needs.

I know this makes it sound like we're out of our depth perhaps, but I feel like it's a true reflection of having 2 kids 2 yrs apart and I'm sure in probably just 6 months time things will be easier.

The reason I ask the question in my title is that my DM seems to think that me and my siblings (I am one of 5) always sat and ate whatever we were served, we never moaned or cried, we always said please and thank you and she never had to discipline or bribe us as we always did as we were told. She doesn't understand why my boys sometimes defy my requests to share nicely etc, or tantrum. In my eyes they are behaving just like toddlers do and I discipline them accordingly (not the baby obvs). Me and DM have a good relationship but she is quite a matyr and is very bitter if anyone else has any success. I think maybe she's just forgotten how hard it is to look after very young children. How physically demanding it is and how little time you have to do.. well anything!

So, if your children are older or grown ups now, do you remember what these very early years are like with more than one child? Did you find it full on? Or do you feel like your children were better behaved than the young children of today?

I remember very well and I don't think I will ever forget.

I remember. I had 6 in 8 years.
The oldest is now 22 and 4 of them are still teens.
I think having so many young children/toddlers/ babies at the same time meant I just got into the zone and was less tolerant of tantrums because I didn’t have the time to pay them much attention.
I kept detailed dairies/ books on all of their development from birth to even now, which has helped me remember.
For me though the teen years have been far more demanding just in a different way.

@spaceghetto

My mil will often tell me her children never had tantrums, would play nicely together and always behaved when out. Hilarious the talking to dh and his memories of growing up!

My DM tells me often how people would come up to her and congratulate her on how well behaved and pristine we all were Both my DBros were very very badly behaved as teens and I got up to all sorts without her knowing as did my Dsis'. I'm sure if asked she would say we were angels!

So I have 9dc ranging from 19.5yrs down to 5 weeks. There's a 4 yr gap between the baby and the next one up and I think each time I forget how much time a young baby takes up. Tbf she's a great sleeper despite being breastfed and only up twice in the night. One thing I've noticed with my last 3 babies is really appreciating and trying to really take time with the baby in a way I didn't with my older ones when (looking back) I tended to rush everything & felt the need to "keep up". I do however look back and wonder how I managed 3 under 3 and a DH who went back to work when dc number 3 was 4 days old! I do remember the different personalities of each child as a toddler and often think how similar they are in teenage to that stage...only with much more language!! Dc number 4 was a very easy laid back toddler and is the easiest teenager too. Where as dc number 2 was HIGH maintenance and still is age 18!! I'm bracing myself for a teenage dc number 8 🤣

@BigButtons

I remember. I had 6 in 8 years. The oldest is now 22 and 4 of them are still teens. I think having so many young children/toddlers/ babies at the same time meant I just got into the zone and was less tolerant of tantrums because I didn’t have the time to pay them much attention. I kept detailed dairies/ books on all of their development from birth to even now, which has helped me remember. For me though the teen years have been far more demanding just in a different way.

Wow that is hard-core! 6 in 8 years I'm keeping my legs shut forever now and I've only got two! I also feel like I'm in the zone too, though obviously it must have been much harder with so many little ones.

I'm used to the sound of shouting and crying and am amazed at the amount of things I can get done with a baby glued to my hip. But I can't wait to be able to do my hair and make up in the morning or wear nice clothes that won't have mud/squashed banana/snot/breastmilk/child goo on them.

Mine are still 6 and 7, but I found it easier up to 4, contrary to what most people seem to feel (easier from age 4). Because they were more "controllable", didnt talk back or debate or question every rule and I'm not very good at dealing with managing emo irrational people but I was pretty efficient at the physical stuff. I was very structured and routine, baths and bedtime like clockwork. Now they are spirited little feral PITAs who conspire to wreck havoc and I dread what teenage years bring.

@Llamapolice

Ha this has reminded me of my mum telling me the other day that she can't understand our occasional runs of disturbed nights when our toddler is teething. Apparently me and my sib didn't fuss at all when ours came through!

To be fair teething didn’t bother my DS in the slightest so she might be right!

Mine are adults. I remember the early years as being very tough physically - lack of sleep, carrying them round, no time off, etc. But I didn't find it mentally tough. Adults DC are the opposite - no longer have to be pushed round in a pram, but they put you through the ringer mentally. Sleepless nights are now caused by worry. Especially if they are hundreds of miles away.

@MaizeBlouse, I don't see them as often as I would.like as 150 miles away but I go once a month as dd has only recently home back to work after maternity leave. I also pay for one day a month each nursery as when my DC were small my Mum looked after my DC do I could work. I feel guilty I can't help dd more. I do look after them a lot on summer holidays do dd and dsil.can go out and relax in evenings and I love to play with them on the beach and they walk my dog with me so my dd can read her book on the beach.

@Christmashottubintheshed

We’ve got friends struggling with a baby and a toddler and dh seems mystified that mum isn’t coping. He actually said to me the other night something along the lines of well we had a much smaller age gap and I worked seven days a week and you were fine! I just looked at him and said DH I was quite mad for several years, how can you not remember those times!

your comment made my day :)

Yes!! I look back and don’t know how I functioned tbh . None slept - as soon as one slept through onenof the other two would start waking again. At one point I wasn’t having more than an hour of uninterrupted sleep at a time and this went on for 9 years as youngest couldn’t get night toilet trained x now in their early 20s they are all awesome humans and I’m so proud of them x but god yes I still remember how hard the early years were and i had a fab DH and wonderful parents as support! X

Mine are 20 and 22 and none of it was easy.Only now for the first time in all those years I feel I can breathe out .There was always something and I had to deal with it all by myself.No back up from anyone.But they have turned out wonderful young men( even if I do say it myself).I am so glad that I never gave up.

@MaizeBlouse- it is amazing what you can do with a baby glued to you.
I could breast feed whilst cooking dinner for example.
I remember one of mine had the most massive tantrum in our local boots because he was prevented from randomnly adding loads of stuff into my shopping basket. It was a humdinger of a screaming fit. I just put the basket down, put him horizontally under one arm and marched out of the shop.
I do remember the relief I felt when the youngest finally attended preschool in the mornings and I had the luxury of 2 hours a day to myself.
I also had a useless and abusive ex ( their dad)who never once changed a nappy or helped out much.

Haha, I remember the toddler years. It took a bit of effort, mine are 10 and 11 now, but a Covid thread forced me to.

There's less than a year and a half between mine and they very much kept me on my toes!

0-3 were the years when they both went in opposite directions (youngest crawled at six months), ran rings around me and I had to get out to a group every day for my sanity. All sympathy there for the parents of toddlers right now!

They were mischievous wee beggars, who could scale anything, open anything and trash a room in under 10 seconds.

There was the smashed wine bottle, spreading ash over the carpet and walls, plastered bum cream incident and one got hold of a lipstick and covered her entire face in it (very pleased she was too about that.) We had building work going on so everything was topsy turvy for months. Those are the main ones I remember, but there are more.

Eldest got a ride on toy for her first birthday, she unwrapped it, wheeled it over to a bookcase and stood on it to reach some ornament that had been put out of reach. Youngest could bypass the stair gate at 8 months. Under the stairs and climb through, and the eldest could get out of her cot by 14 months, and over the bedroom gate at 15 months.

They were adorable, hilarious, exhausting, and much more ingenious than I'd have previously given children credit for at those ages. And they frequently outwitted me!

My grandma, who is 90, told me she had climbers too, so put a lid on my aunt's cot! This same aunt had escaped out of an upstairs window and crawled along a ledge. I know my dad also crawled into a field of cattle who sidled up for a look and he had to be rescued by the dog. Dad also burnt down the barn aged 8. I think my children are very much like my dad's family.

My mum spent all my DCs younger years just saying, 'but I'd have never let you get up to anything like that!'...

Some people forget, some don't!

I found the toddler years physically exhausting but there were so many lovely parts it’s easy to look back fondly and forget how hard it was.

Teens, mentally draining and painful at times. It’s a complete shift of mindset and happens so suddenly. One minute you are their world and the next just an obstacle to get around.

Yes, I found it really hard. Mine are 13 and 16 now, so not grown up, but im enjoying this stage. I found one baby ok as she was fairly easy, but dd2 was really hard work and I found a baby and toddler incredibly hard. Especially due to dd2 being a bad sleeper. Both nice now.

I think people do forget as there are so many lovely moments too. What irritates me beyond belief though is people comparing their non pandemic experience to now and being critical about people finding it hard. If you haven’t tried working with a baby and a toddler during lockdown then no you’re experience as a sahm in the 80s is not comparable.

Time definitely fades the bad bits from memory. I had a similar conversation with my nan about her “perfect” children but equally at another time she told me she used to strap them in the pram, leave them in the garden for a “nap” and close the door and then switch the hoover on so she didn’t have to listen to the screaming 😮

I have teens and looking back pre school years were far easier.

I think little children are physically demanding, older ones mentally so.
I had 2 very full on toddlers, didn’t sleep very well, potty trained quite late, constant attention! Melt downs, demands, didn’t eat well.
The break now as they’ll entertain themselves is lovely. And I don’t have to wipe their arse anymore, bliss.

RoseMartha What I’m intrigued about though is how teens can be harder? I can get there is probably a degree of mental exhaustion and worry but I’m genuinely curious. My sister and I have a large age gap so hers are teens but a day with them is quite relaxing and she’s knackered after a day with my little ones. She has different stresses (relationships, GCSEs etc) but on a day to day basis she has to do far less, doesn’t have sleepless nights, can leave them, doesn’t need to worry that one will write on the walls etc.

My now teens never tantrummed, some children don’t, so don’t assume that she’s misremembering. I do remember being quite shocked when friends’ children would go into full toddler meltdown, mine genuinely never did.

I'm 58, have three adult children and 4 grandchildren. I do remember it as being hard work - mentally and physically, although time does of course smooth off the roughest edges (otherwise having given birth once nobody would ever do it again!) things and society was very different when I had my first child in 1983. But I can remember my children not wanting to eat their dinner and there being drama when I refused to give them an alternative, acting up (frequently) and being ignored until they stopped. I also remember it being true that when they became teens the toddler years seemed a breeze.

Lolz @ worrying about writing on walls

Tiquismiquis My experience (I have teenagers) is more like you are describing. ie I found toddlers far harder work