If your kids are 'grown up' do you remember how hard the toddler years are?

[MaizeBlouse]

This isn't meant as a goady post at all. I am yet to have teens and don't expect it to be a walk in the park by any stretch. I'm expecting it to be very challenging and stressful, but in a very different way to how stressful and challenging having toddlers is.

The wider context is basically this: I have a DS3yo and DS1yo. Both lovely, excitable, happy, creative, healthy kids. Sometimes they scream and cry if they don't get thier way (the 3yo more than the baby) and my 3yo is also a very picky eater, despite us trying all the techniques. My life, as expected, is pretty much non stop. No more than anyone else I'm sure but I feel like I'm either bfeeding, carrying a baby, cooking, cleaning, dressing someone, sorting out a lunch bag and so on. Oh and also trying to run my business too (I am self employed). Someone always seems to be crying or moaning despite me and DPs best efforts to meet all the needs.

I know this makes it sound like we're out of our depth perhaps, but I feel like it's a true reflection of having 2 kids 2 yrs apart and I'm sure in probably just 6 months time things will be easier.

The reason I ask the question in my title is that my DM seems to think that me and my siblings (I am one of 5) always sat and ate whatever we were served, we never moaned or cried, we always said please and thank you and she never had to discipline or bribe us as we always did as we were told. She doesn't understand why my boys sometimes defy my requests to share nicely etc, or tantrum. In my eyes they are behaving just like toddlers do and I discipline them accordingly (not the baby obvs). Me and DM have a good relationship but she is quite a matyr and is very bitter if anyone else has any success. I think maybe she's just forgotten how hard it is to look after very young children. How physically demanding it is and how little time you have to do.. well anything!

So, if your children are older or grown ups now, do you remember what these very early years are like with more than one child? Did you find it full on? Or do you feel like your children were better behaved than the young children of today?

I have lost all those memories :).

I have a 10 year gap between my kids and I had forgotten by the time DS2 got to a stage what it was like.

I didn't have a perfect rose tinted memory - I remembered that I found certain ages or days or stages hard or whatever, but I didn't remember what it was like until I was back there again.

No regrets BTW! But I can see how the memories would fade.

However, I think there is some generational difference as well as the selective memory. We tend to be more accepting of certain behaviours these days as normal developmental stages (which I think is a good thing) and it probably does mean that to someone looking with the experience of having parented in the 70s/80s/90s, children are more badly behaved today than they were in the past simply because we're not fighting them on as many things.

It just went on and on.
He eventually slept the night through at age 5,he was full time at school but then I was being called in by his teachers for “a word”, again wild behaviour.
Never invited to friends houses (thank Christ).
Never getting a break because people couldn’t cope with him.

I had a second child 10 years after. (Loads of reasons) but mostly because I knew I couldn’t cope or go through it all again.
My second child...an absolute dream.
I now know that parenting my second child is how it must be for all those parents who claim that parenting is easy. It was, truly was.

@mrsm43s

I have 2 teens a year apart. I found the newborn/ baby stage surprisingly easy, the toddler stage more challenging, and then it was really easy, and a huge amount of fun from about 4 til about 12/13. Then teenagers, who are not as exhausting physically, but much harder mentally and emotionally.

I don't remember my toddlers whinging or crying a lot, but I do remember never, ever being able to take my eye off of them and never being able to switch off.

I agree, the early years were physically exhausting and just so relentless, but the teenage years were mentally draining, with smaller return on your efforts.

I'd trade my right arm to be able to have them back little again in all honesty, even if only for the cuddles and the smell of them.

My eldest is 19 and both mine were hard work but lovely as toddlers.

The older generation were different though. Very different way of raising children in the 1950s, 60s and 70s. For a start corporal punishment was practically mandatory. This made children fearful and obedient (as they were in abusive situations). Very early potty training, children out to play all day. Children mainly reared by slightly older children. 3yo looked after all day by 6yo, while out to play. My ex was born in 1960s. He took his brother to nursery daily when he was 5. And washed up daily. 8/9 yos were considered very old and responsible and 14yos were adults.

@Saltn

The golden years are between 8 and 11.

You see, I disagree.

Between 8 and 11 was "fine". But not memorable.

Toddlers were brilliant. I fucking love toddlers. I love their completely bananas view of things, and their batshit non-compliance.

Post-toddlers are fine, but not in the same way. Teenagers are toddlers all over again, but you can't pick them up.

I'd have ten thousand toddlers over any other age.

I do think parents of teens forget about it. I used to go to slimming world when DS was a baby. My MIL would come round to look after him for an hour. I remember talking to a couple with teenagers and they were saying how hard they were. I was like ' you're both here, presumably the kids are both at home alone'. Yes, they the teens had let themselves in and would cook themselves dinner. Well, that 1 hour was the only hour a week I didn't have DS physically attached to me (he was a clingy baby).

Honestly, why does the human race still exist? We forget and go back for another child...

I can remember an awful lot and pretty clearly. DH has a much more vague memory apart from specific situations.

That said, I seem to be one of those people that just has a very good memory (sometimes a blessing, sometimes not!).

We have 3 kids and 3 years 3 months between them. It was hard work, monotonous and frustrating at times. It was also wonderful, exciting and feeling proud at others.

I do think that, at times, it’s because people aren’t truly honest with themselves. I accept who I am, flaws and all. I know I made some monumental mistakes with my children, their behaviour wasn’t perfect (or even acceptable) on occasion but they’ve also had some amazing experiences and we have 3 well adjusted members of society to be proud of.

I see how active my 2 dgs's are and how my dd is always exhausted and i.can well remember those days. When I see them I try to tire them out for her so they do at least sleep well.

I had 3 under 3 and I can honestly say their early years were the best days of my life. I was a SAHM so no pressures for bedtimes, waking up etc and I think that made a difference. The teen years come with crippling pressures, even if they are good kids.
I'm genuinely shocked how much children are pandered to now and think that is the cause of so many behavioural issues now.

For context my eldest was born in 2000.

I think people forget. I actually wrote a diary about the newborn phase. So glad I did. I think the toddler phase is harder but I looked back recently and went holy shit 🤣.

I think it’s a big family selection effect. I’ve noticed quite a few posters saying their dm had lots of kids and said it was easy. I’m the same.

If you have relatively easy, compliant kids for the first two, you go on to have more. Until you get one with a more defiant character, or just choose to stop. And possibly you credit your excellent parenting skills rather than luck (or a mix).

If your first one was a nightmare then you stop or only have one more. And maybe feel like a failure.

I’ve had a lot more empathy from older parents of 1 or 2 than those with lots of kids.

I think it is very easy to forget when you have older DC .My friends DD has 2 youngsters who keep her on her toes! Unless your DM has selective memory ,most children will have meltdowns ,refuse to eat certain foods and so on.She is probably looking back with her rose tinted Specsavers!

@cactusisblooming

I had 3 under 3 and I can honestly say their early years were the best days of my life. I was a SAHM so no pressures for bedtimes, waking up etc and I think that made a difference. The teen years come with crippling pressures, even if they are good kids. I'm genuinely shocked how much children are pandered to now and think that is the cause of so many behavioural issues now.

My toddlers didn’t/don’t have any ‘behavioural issues’. I still found it hard.

@cactusisblooming

I had 3 under 3 and I can honestly say their early years were the best days of my life. I was a SAHM so no pressures for bedtimes, waking up etc and I think that made a difference. The teen years come with crippling pressures, even if they are good kids. I'm genuinely shocked how much children are pandered to now and think that is the cause of so many behavioural issues now.

There is a lot of advice and a lot of guilt. You're constantly worried about messing them up about getting it wrong. I just spent 2 hours putting mine to bed. Dh and I both in tears and still feel like we failed!

Me and DP had this actual conversation tonight. We’re finding it increasingly frustrating to get unwarranted advice from our parents because they clearly can’t remember what it’s like, or at least are remembering with rose tinted glasses.

A few quotes from various parents of ours (4 sets as all divorced):

“You didn’t nap when you were a baby, I just kept you awake”

“You didn’t cry, ever, I wouldn’t let you”

“You cried all night long when you had colic, I ended up giving you to your father because you just wouldn’t let me relax for two minutes” (contradicts the second point above from same parent but ok..)

“I never had to rock, soothe, shhush, drive, with you because you just fell asleep as soon as I’d put you down”

“You turned out alright”

@peapotter

I think it’s a big family selection effect. I’ve noticed quite a few posters saying their dm had lots of kids and said it was easy. I’m the same.

If you have relatively easy, compliant kids for the first two, you go on to have more. Until you get one with a more defiant character, or just choose to stop. And possibly you credit your excellent parenting skills rather than luck (or a mix).

If your first one was a nightmare then you stop or only have one more. And maybe feel like a failure.

I’ve had a lot more empathy from older parents of 1 or 2 than those with lots of kids.

I also think it's expectations. Do you expect a clean house and to still look yourself and have the identity of before and a career and all the rest. Also, do you actually enjoy playing 24/7. If not, you're exhausted very early on every day.

@caringcarer will you be my mum please?!

A PP makes a valid point about our parents potentially having more help. My DM paints out like she did it all herself but we had a nanny, a cleaner and then went nursery too. We were also shipped off to my grandparents every few months also. And like @Crystal90567 says, I wonder how much caring my eldest sister did for me.

At the risk of sounding like my mum.. me and DP get no help! We do live near his parents but, whilst we have a great relationship with them, it's not a 'let me take them for the afternoon dear" situation. Theyve looked after DS1 once, and that's cos I was giving birth to DS2! My parents live about 300 miles away so no help from them either. Of course I'd love a bit of free childcare and am green with envy for those who have lots of it (please be grateful if that's you!!!!), I donrelish the time when DS1 is at nursery and I only have one child to look after.

The thing I found hard about toddlers is you are effectively a hostage in the sense you cannot turn your back on them for leave them alone in a room for longer than ten seconds. My life felt so restricted. At least when they're older you can sit in another room and watch tv, eat, read a book without worrying they'll stick their fingers in a plug socket

BabyLama I was very late to get Internet in the house and I think that was a blessing in disguise. I wasn't bombarded with advice and just did what felt right. I'm not saying it was right, but I could have taken mine anywhere. I see so much negotiation now going on between frazzled parents and very young children, almost as if they are afraid to actually be the parent. I briefly dabbled in 'gentle parenting' circles when it was a fairly new thing and although in principle I agree with it, I had never seen so many badly behaved kids in one place.

And thank you for everyone who had replied, I'm reading them all and finding it really interesting.

A PP said about how the parents of "easy" kids must feel so sure its down to thier amaxing parenting rather than just the nature of the child.. and I have had exactly the same thought too! E.g "we always offered Jonty lots of veggies early on and now he eats then like they're lollipops and actively requests spinach for dinner!" Good for Jonty but I did the same with DS1 and I would have to literally force feed him to get him to eat certain things. I'll be interested to see how the babys palate changes.

One of mine was easy and well behaved and hardly ever had a tantrum. The other.......

I very much doubt that I misbehaved much for DM as she was very free with the slaps/slipper etc. A different world tbh.

cactusisblooming
no behavioural issues here thanks, and as for no pressure to get up and be anywhere? you should have told my 1st child, as from newborn to around 10 years old he woke any where from 4.30am to 5.30am. No amount of black out blinds, Shhushing, no eye contact it sleep time, sunlight clocks, later nights, long tiring days out, could stop him from pinging awake with all the energy and enthusiasm of spring lamb.

Mine were easier than most i think - well, the oldest didn’t sleep much, but the youngest was the most biddable toddler and little ‘un ever.

And they were rarely cheeky to me (though squabbled with each other as much as any kids). They say I ran a very strict house though!

I have found their young adulthood harder.