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Original poster

So my mum just died. What a bastard of a year.

158 replies

Changeofname1949 · 20/12/2020 16:41

Yesterday. She was only 72. She was in hospital so I hadn't seen her for 6 weeks. In the run up she was in a lot of pain and I had her sobbing on the phone to me whilst I tried to completely ineffectually make it better. I got to see her for 10 minutes and hold her hand while she passed away and when I try to go to sleep my brain helpfully puts me back in ICU to re-live that. I am so sad and I don't know what to do with myself (although I still have to sort out Christmas for the kids). Lockdown isn't helping as you can imagine. It's quite frankly, pants.

OP posts:
Gonkytonk · 20/12/2020 18:21

So sorry for your loss @Changeofname1949

This time last year I lost my DM. No last words as she had an accident and never woke up. She was 73. I’ve saved our last texts and take comfort from the fact that we always ended them “luv u”.

Time does help but it’ll be raw and strange for a while. Try not to comfort others and let the pain out when you can.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 20/12/2020 18:22

Oh lovely, what a horrible way to end this shit show of a year. Sending you love. Flowers

Floralnomad · 20/12/2020 18:22

Sorry for your loss 💐

polkadotpjs · 20/12/2020 18:23

I'm so so sorry. I was there when my dad died at 56 and I was 20. It was very hard and the last minutes did fade very quickly snd I was comforted by having been there.
Lots of love

Gonkytonk · 20/12/2020 18:24

Sorry for your loss @Giggorata

itsoffical · 20/12/2020 18:24

Sorry for your loss, I lost my Mum - she was a similar age.
I know what you are going though, take care and sending virtual hugs xxx

Gonkytonk · 20/12/2020 18:25

Sorry for your loss @newidentiy
You’ll get through it I promise

DonkeyMcFluff · 20/12/2020 18:28

Sorry for your loss. From your description I presume it was Covid related. So many people have lost so much because of this bloody virus Flowers

Hailtomyteeth · 20/12/2020 18:29

I am very sorry for your loss.

I was numb for ages after my mum died. I could do the things that were necessary but I didn't have any feelings about it. I visited my dad for two hours a night, most nights for the following five years. For the first two years, we didn't speak. Just sat, watching his television. Eventually, we began to talk a little. It takes time. Don't rush.

Skipsurvey · 20/12/2020 18:31

I am so sorry Thanks

Original poster
Changeofname1949 · 20/12/2020 18:34

I'm sorry @newidentiy. I left the ICU and said to the nurse, 'I don't know what I'm supposed to do'. It seemed to me that I had missed out on some sort of talk where everyone else was told how to sort out things after death. They have given me a booklet and I think I start by phoning up the hospital 'Bereavement office' on Monday morning.

So far today has been full of unexpected triggers. For example I'll see a picture of her on my phone and smile and think 'Ahhh, she looks happy' and be proud of myself for coping, then I'll open the cupboard and sob because there's marmalade there and she loved toast! Confused

OP posts:
S111n20 · 20/12/2020 18:35

Sorry for your loss. Big hug xx

Original poster
Changeofname1949 · 20/12/2020 18:37

Yes, it was Covid. She went into hospital for an infection and she caught it on the ward just when she was getting better.

She had a lot of underlying health conditions that would make Covid particularly risky for her.

OP posts:
Inthisinstance · 20/12/2020 18:38

I am so sorry for your loss.... sending you virtual cuddles and a lot of strength 💐

Pinkiii · 20/12/2020 18:38

So incredibly sorry for your loss.

Can’t imagine what you’re going though. Please look after yourself

Unsure33 · 20/12/2020 18:40

@Changeofname1949

So sorry.

TheABC · 20/12/2020 18:43

Big hugs and Flowers
Look after yourself.

icebearforpresident · 20/12/2020 18:43

I’m with you @Changeofname1949, my mum died just over 2 weeks ago, one week after her mum died and one week to the day after we were told the cancer had spread. We knew it was coming but Jesus, it happened so fast. She was 63 and in hospital so I couldn’t be with her, she died about 10 minutes before I arrived.

I think I’m doing ok. I have my husband & kids (who have taken it remarkably well) to distract me and having to deal with the estate side of things is giving me something to focus on. Christmas is also a good distraction although I forgot my pin in M&S the other day while trying to pay for Xmas ‘essentials’ and had to run out of the store before I burst into tears in front of the bewildered checkout assistant. It’s possible I’m more stressed out than I realise.

It’s truly shit, theirs no other way to put it, but I hope you are doing ok OP.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2020 18:45

So very sorry Change, newidentity and all the other posters here who have lost their mums Flowers

I found being a mum to my children ridiculously hard whilst grieving my own mum. Having to deal with their grief too, having to keep going, all the mundane everyday shit that shouldn’t still need to happen. I had a profound sense of “Well, who will look after me now?” Take care of yourself. Don’t put pressure to make Christmas ‘normal’, just try to accept it will be what it is. Sending strength - we all need some.

AdaColeman · 20/12/2020 18:47

@Changeofname1949
When you feel up to it in the next few days, chose a Funeral Firm, I'd say go for a reputable local firm rather than a huge national chain. You'll find that the Funeral Director will guide you through what paperwork you will need, where the various local offices and departments are etc.
Did your Mum have a prepaid Funeral plan perhaps?

Though I know these practical things will be very very far from your mind at the moment.

Try to eat, if only snacks, and drink plenty of fluids, all to keep your energy up. Take care.

Monstermuncher · 20/12/2020 18:49

So sorry OP x

dottiedaisee · 20/12/2020 19:09

Oh bless you . I am so so sorry. Mums are irreplaceable and I cannot imagine how sad and upset you must be . 💐😢Xx

Gson · 20/12/2020 19:10

I am so so sorry Flowers xxx

ktp100 · 20/12/2020 19:11

I am so, so sorry for your loss.x.

I really hope your kids can bring you some comfort at this awful time.x.

Henio · 20/12/2020 19:12

Im so sorry op 😞 x