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Original poster

So my mum just died. What a bastard of a year.

158 replies

Changeofname1949 · 20/12/2020 16:41

Yesterday. She was only 72. She was in hospital so I hadn't seen her for 6 weeks. In the run up she was in a lot of pain and I had her sobbing on the phone to me whilst I tried to completely ineffectually make it better. I got to see her for 10 minutes and hold her hand while she passed away and when I try to go to sleep my brain helpfully puts me back in ICU to re-live that. I am so sad and I don't know what to do with myself (although I still have to sort out Christmas for the kids). Lockdown isn't helping as you can imagine. It's quite frankly, pants.

OP posts:
Belepheron · 20/12/2020 17:00

That's just awful. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

Original poster
Changeofname1949 · 20/12/2020 17:01

Thank you. I already miss just picking up the phone to her for a chat.

I am relieved she is no longer in any pain. She was on a ventilator, but before they intubated her they asked me if I wanted to pass on a message whilst she was still conscious. I was at work and you know what, it is so hard to think of something to say if it might be the last message you ever pass on. I said tell her 'I love her and it will all be okay' which is hardly profound but I guess does the trick.

Then I had a minute with her before they turned her oxygen down (and she died) and had to think of what the last words I ever say to her would be. I realise there are people far worse off than me, but my goodness, it's been a heck of a time.

Now I've had to phone everyone and their grief is hard to cope with, so am finding myself trying to comfort them! Can't even see people as they are all in Tier 4.

My kids are brilliant. Their dad (my ex) seems to be going out of his way to make it all about him Hmm but that's par for the course.

Cup of tea helps!

OP posts:
Original poster
Changeofname1949 · 20/12/2020 17:02

I've just realised. she was 71 not 72. She wouldn't be best pleased with me aging her!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 20/12/2020 17:05

I’m so sorry. 😢 That is very hard to bear.

TomHanksintheMoneyPit · 20/12/2020 17:05

I'm so, so sorry.

I lost my mum recently-ish, and she was around the same age as your mum.

All I can say is that grief is a huge and ever-changing process. Right now you're probably in shock. Focus on taking care of your physical needs, and with whatever practical stuff unfortunately needs to be done.

I personally found great comfort in organising and delivering my mum's funeral myself, though I appreciate that not everyone would.

When you're ready, things like bereavement counselling and death peer support groups like Death Dinner Party can be a wonderful source of support, but only when you're ready. I started bereavement counselling only a couple of months after and for me that was much too soon.

Message me if you ever need someone to talk to. x

mbosnz · 20/12/2020 17:07

I'm so sorry your Mum has died. And at this time, and in this way.

I'm glad your kids are being brilliant (they really can amaze us, can't they?!), and I'm sorry your ex is being his typical arsey self.

LadyAcony · 20/12/2020 17:07

I'm so sorry to hear this. She's about the same age as my mother. I agree with PPs that it's not really that old.

Flowers
SpiderGwen · 20/12/2020 17:08

Oh @Changeofname1949, I’m so sorry. I lost my mum recently and it blew the heart out of me.

Take your time and be as generous to yourself as you can. Oh, and if you get Grief Tourette’s, don’t worry. It happens
“Can I take your order?”
“My Mum died.”
It just falls out at crazy times.

Marvelle · 20/12/2020 17:09

So sorry for your loss Flowers your mum sounds like she was very loved

Threelionsandalioness · 20/12/2020 17:11

So sorry for your loss Flowersx

grool · 20/12/2020 17:12

Sending you lots of love OP, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

SonjaMorgan · 20/12/2020 17:13

How utterly shit. What good memories do you have of your mum?

Yorensnow · 20/12/2020 17:13

Im so very sorry SadThanks

DonLewis · 20/12/2020 17:15

Ah, the reliving the last moments were the worst part of the initial grief for me.

I had to train myself to think of something, anything, else. I tried sleeping tablets and that did not help.

I know exactly how you feel.

I'm so sorry that your mum isn't here. It truly sucks. May your memories provide comfort. Flowers

SilverOtter · 20/12/2020 17:16

I'm so sorry your lovely mum has diedThanks I can't imagine what you're feeling, but I'm sending thoughts and prayers your way xx

goose1964 · 20/12/2020 17:16

Rest in the knowledge that you were there to say goodbye. It's an awful thing to lose your mum especially if you were close. I still see mine in dreams.

moglovesmincepies · 20/12/2020 17:16

Flowers I'm really sorry

LizzieVereker · 20/12/2020 17:18

I’m so very sorry Flowers

Kaliorphic · 20/12/2020 17:18

I'm sorry Flowers

DougRossIsTheBoss · 20/12/2020 17:20

Thanksso sorry for your loss

I lost my mum recently too at a similar age to cancer.

I was with her when she died but she was unconscious then and it has bugged me a bit that I can't remember the last words we said to one another. She was a bit confused and distressed right at the end and I have to push that bit out of my mind. I know it doesn't matter really.
I hope PP are right that it fades.

I got comfort from choosing readings etc that she'd like at her funeral and sharing memories with other people who loved her.

It's still bloody hard though.
I still keep thinking I'll ring her to share some news and in my head I've chosen her loads of Christmas presents that I can't actually buy.

RhubarbTea · 20/12/2020 17:22

I'm so sorry OP. Flowers

CeeceeBloomingdale · 20/12/2020 17:23

So sorry for your loss

Wineinthegarden · 20/12/2020 17:23

So sorry for your loss. This year has been dreadful. Take time for yourself, cups of tea are definitely a good thing. Rest and eat and take care of you.

bearlyactive · 20/12/2020 17:24

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

LittleWhiteFeather · 20/12/2020 17:25

Ah yes, reliving the final moments, I've been there. I am so so sorry you've lost your lovely mum.

Losing a beloved parent is its own special pain.

It does get easier though. Life will never be quite the same, but it does get easier to bear.

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